Wife is cheating
Senior Moderator
Joined: Apr 2010
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From: SoCal, CA
losi, i know we're all being extra hard on you but you gotta understand that we're taking off the rose-colored glasses and looking at this externally and see the picture holistically. We're watching out for you and your kids' safety. You might be in the "can't see the forest for the trees" type of situation
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 78,247
Likes: 20,201
curious, does your family...(mom, dad etc...) know the full story of what's going on?
What's at steak?
The dangers to the children.
I can't believe anyone close to you is not stepping in forcefully here.
What's at steak?
The dangers to the children.
I can't believe anyone close to you is not stepping in forcefully here.
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 16,973
Likes: 7,362
From: Seattle, WA
I'm listening to what you all are saying. And there's a chance you're all right. But there's a chance you're not. And if you're not, the damage I'd do by going forward with a divorce would all be for naught.
Buuuuuut....it was already my plan but I'll step up my covert operations. Right now the little lady and ducklings are on a camp/vacation with her parents in Southern Utah. They get back tomorrow. I'll be planting some recorders and dropping in unexpectedly from time to time. I'm open to other ideas on how to catch her with her hand in the cookie jar.
If there's even an inkling of her fooling around, that's it. I'm on the fence as it is. But I'm not going to pull that trigger until I can prove to myself that her heart hasn't changed. Again, any suggestions are welcome.
So - maybe I'm in denial. But at this point, I'd just appreciate some constructive ideas on how to prove this is still going down so I can move forward.
Buuuuuut....it was already my plan but I'll step up my covert operations. Right now the little lady and ducklings are on a camp/vacation with her parents in Southern Utah. They get back tomorrow. I'll be planting some recorders and dropping in unexpectedly from time to time. I'm open to other ideas on how to catch her with her hand in the cookie jar.
If there's even an inkling of her fooling around, that's it. I'm on the fence as it is. But I'm not going to pull that trigger until I can prove to myself that her heart hasn't changed. Again, any suggestions are welcome.
So - maybe I'm in denial. But at this point, I'd just appreciate some constructive ideas on how to prove this is still going down so I can move forward.
IMHO, if you are determined to stay call off the surveillance and just go get marriage counseling. Sit and be forced to talk about how things are going face to face. Don't engage in behaviors that will generate mistrust or you will build nothing to proceed from. You'll never achieve a state of trust if either of you engage is mistrust. Whatever you do will never stay hidden. She will eventually find out, and if you've managed to move past this it will bring you right back.
Regular counseling is your best move if you are going to dig in and stick this out.
Last edited by 1Louder; Jun 13, 2019 at 12:37 PM.
Your Friendly Canadian
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 17,447
Likes: 1,506
From: Toronto, Ontario
Your kids have spent at least one night with a convicted sexual predator (that you know of)
You have evidence your wife is cheating (again)
You're confident in retaining your kids' custody and your financial security in a divorce
You have (at least) your parents who are able and willing to take you in during this transition period
You have a stable, high-income job that will allow you (financially) to continue raising your kids
Leaving affords your kids security, shelter, and stability.
Staying in this marriage and continuing to trust this woman strips your kids of security and stability.
You have evidence your wife is cheating (again)
You're confident in retaining your kids' custody and your financial security in a divorce
You have (at least) your parents who are able and willing to take you in during this transition period
You have a stable, high-income job that will allow you (financially) to continue raising your kids
Leaving affords your kids security, shelter, and stability.
Staying in this marriage and continuing to trust this woman strips your kids of security and stability.
Chapter Leader (Southern Region)
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 88,888
Likes: 11,846
From: Waffles, BU
He doesn't trust her because she's not trustworthy, It's all a shit show
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Regional Coordinator (Southeast)
Regional Coordinator (Southeast)
Joined: Dec 2003
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From: Mooresville, NC
Senior Moderator
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 31,897
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From: Austin, TX
Joe is right. The relationship (b/c of the actions of BOTH partners) is toxic. That’s why I said OP should not expect ANY kind of relationship if he is to stick around. He can stick around and Dad, but there won’t be any healthy marriage under these circumstances. WAY too much distrust.
At this point I start to see the merits of the suggestions to cut her off.
At this point I start to see the merits of the suggestions to cut her off.
Three Wheelin'
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,389
Likes: 223
OP your acting like your playing detective....doesn't make sense to me.
I understand your point of wanting to give her a chance and seeing if her "heart has changed", but what your failing to understand is that a person who has even a decent heart would never subject their children to such a risk.
Most of us who have chimed in are fathers and we all agree that you taking this risk of allowing her additional chances is a major fuck up.
I understand the task ahead is daunting as fuck. Rockstar made some super valid points all of which will be relevant should you choose to make the correct decision (IMO).
However, what is the alternative? Let your children wide open to this risk?! Your crazy if you think that is even a viable option.
You said it yourself, you work full time and a half (IIRC you drive on the side), so your not really present at home much. Let alone being present enough to ensure the safety of your kids at all times.
Your walking yourself into a mistake that cannot be undone man. I hope you wake up from this
I understand your point of wanting to give her a chance and seeing if her "heart has changed", but what your failing to understand is that a person who has even a decent heart would never subject their children to such a risk.
Most of us who have chimed in are fathers and we all agree that you taking this risk of allowing her additional chances is a major fuck up.
I understand the task ahead is daunting as fuck. Rockstar made some super valid points all of which will be relevant should you choose to make the correct decision (IMO).
However, what is the alternative? Let your children wide open to this risk?! Your crazy if you think that is even a viable option.
You said it yourself, you work full time and a half (IIRC you drive on the side), so your not really present at home much. Let alone being present enough to ensure the safety of your kids at all times.
Your walking yourself into a mistake that cannot be undone man. I hope you wake up from this
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 92,765
Likes: 4,682
From: ShitsBurgh
By being around, I can keep a much closer eye on the situation. That's going to keep the kids far safer than me being out of the house. There's the possibility of me taking them but then there's the issue of separating them from their friends/school/neighborhood not to mention that I don't have a place for them to stay, unless I somehow kicked her out of the house. And then there's all the legal stuff to consider. How I'd accomplish kicking her out of the house in the first place. Oh, and I work full time (and a half...) so who would watch them? You have to consider all the variables. It's not that simple.
I'm listening to what you all are saying. And there's a chance you're all right. But there's a chance you're not. And if you're not, the damage I'd do by going forward with a divorce would all be for naught.
Buuuuuut....it was already my plan but I'll step up my covert operations. Right now the little lady and ducklings are on a camp/vacation with her parents in Southern Utah. They get back tomorrow. I'll be planting some recorders and dropping in unexpectedly from time to time. I'm open to other ideas on how to catch her with her hand in the cookie jar.
If there's even an inkling of her fooling around, that's it. I'm on the fence as it is. But I'm not going to pull that trigger until I can prove to myself that her heart hasn't changed. Again, any suggestions are welcome.
So - maybe I'm in denial. But at this point, I'd just appreciate some constructive ideas on how to prove this is still going down so I can move forward.
Buuuuuut....it was already my plan but I'll step up my covert operations. Right now the little lady and ducklings are on a camp/vacation with her parents in Southern Utah. They get back tomorrow. I'll be planting some recorders and dropping in unexpectedly from time to time. I'm open to other ideas on how to catch her with her hand in the cookie jar.
If there's even an inkling of her fooling around, that's it. I'm on the fence as it is. But I'm not going to pull that trigger until I can prove to myself that her heart hasn't changed. Again, any suggestions are welcome.
So - maybe I'm in denial. But at this point, I'd just appreciate some constructive ideas on how to prove this is still going down so I can move forward.
Thread Starter
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 3,489
Likes: 859
From: Salt Lake City, UT
Alright, alright. So I took some action. I called up the creeps parole officer and informed him of the situation. I just told him that know for absolute certain that he's seen my kids. The muddy part is whether or not I'd want to get the kids involved as far as testifying or even talking to a cop or parole officer. I may have neglected to mention that the wifey and I sat down with them a few weeks back and explained why they can't visit him anymore. It was actually the wife's idea. I didn't divulge to them anything about the wife. We only talked about how it was dishonest to have hidden it from me and how much trouble he could get into if someone were to find out. Naturally, the wife and two older boys think he's completely innocent. I have no proof he's guilty so there's no way I'm going to be able to convince them otherwise. I don't even know for myself. I'd bet money he is, but I have no proof. Anyway, that's another matter. He's convicted and that's enough.
The parole officer told me he'd investigate. I didn't push the matter further. I'll call him in a week or two and follow up. If the wifey is keeping in touch with him, she'll know right away that he was reported. She'll likely suspect me and will very likely show that in some way. Whether she brings it up or just acts pissed off at me. I'd be surprised if she brings it up, since she promised she wouldn't have any further contact with him - even via phone or text. We'll see.
Yes, my parents are fully aware of the situation. They're divided on the matter because they don't want to see the family broke up, but they also think the guy is a total creep. Not too dissimilar to my own feelings really. I haven't done any other surveillance. I agree that it violates trust and may not really accomplish much. I have changed my schedule on a whim several times where I come home without letting her know. So far, she's been home every time. I've also followed (stalked?) her during her evening walks where she usually takes one or two of the kids. No funny business so far. So I have no reason to believe that the wife and kids are seeing the creep. There were lots of signs the first time, which is why I investigated. It's not as if I started monitoring just for kicks and giggles. But there's no longer any suspicious activity. If they're seeing him, they're doing an excellent job of hiding it. I've also asked my neighbors to keep an eye on the house. Several of them are aware of the situation and have similar feelings about the guy. But I highly doubt he'd come to the house or even anywhere in the neighboorhood since if anyone saw him, it'd be game over.
Did I ever share this article? This got him quite the reputation in the community:
https://www.ksl.com/article/45170267...ographing-them
The parole officer told me he'd investigate. I didn't push the matter further. I'll call him in a week or two and follow up. If the wifey is keeping in touch with him, she'll know right away that he was reported. She'll likely suspect me and will very likely show that in some way. Whether she brings it up or just acts pissed off at me. I'd be surprised if she brings it up, since she promised she wouldn't have any further contact with him - even via phone or text. We'll see.
Yes, my parents are fully aware of the situation. They're divided on the matter because they don't want to see the family broke up, but they also think the guy is a total creep. Not too dissimilar to my own feelings really. I haven't done any other surveillance. I agree that it violates trust and may not really accomplish much. I have changed my schedule on a whim several times where I come home without letting her know. So far, she's been home every time. I've also followed (stalked?) her during her evening walks where she usually takes one or two of the kids. No funny business so far. So I have no reason to believe that the wife and kids are seeing the creep. There were lots of signs the first time, which is why I investigated. It's not as if I started monitoring just for kicks and giggles. But there's no longer any suspicious activity. If they're seeing him, they're doing an excellent job of hiding it. I've also asked my neighbors to keep an eye on the house. Several of them are aware of the situation and have similar feelings about the guy. But I highly doubt he'd come to the house or even anywhere in the neighboorhood since if anyone saw him, it'd be game over.
Did I ever share this article? This got him quite the reputation in the community:
https://www.ksl.com/article/45170267...ographing-them
Chapter Leader (Southern Region)
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 88,888
Likes: 11,846
From: Waffles, BU
Chapter Leader (Southern Region)
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 88,888
Likes: 11,846
From: Waffles, BU
I'm skeptical you made a report
If a parolee violates parole, you report it to the police
It's a crime, not the discretion of a parole officer to administer punishment
And even if you did..
It's like 1 step forward, 1 step back.
You should be frank about your actions
Stop the following, shadowing, spying, traps, etc
Seems disingenuous that you don't include her in the conversation
It's like, she doesn't need to know b/c she said she'd stop talking to him
But also, using that as a pawn to see if she is.. that's out of your control.
She's either going to be honest with you or not.
Does your wife know you told your parents everything?
Another violation of trust if she doesn't know
Honesty will set you free
If a parolee violates parole, you report it to the police
It's a crime, not the discretion of a parole officer to administer punishment
And even if you did..
It's like 1 step forward, 1 step back.
You should be frank about your actions
Stop the following, shadowing, spying, traps, etc
Seems disingenuous that you don't include her in the conversation
It's like, she doesn't need to know b/c she said she'd stop talking to him
But also, using that as a pawn to see if she is.. that's out of your control.
She's either going to be honest with you or not.
Does your wife know you told your parents everything?
Another violation of trust if she doesn't know
Honesty will set you free
Senior Moderator
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 48,309
Likes: 9,175
From: SoCal, CA
I'm skeptical you made a report
If a parolee violates parole, you report it to the police
It's a crime, not the discretion of a parole officer to administer punishment
And even if you did..
It's like 1 step forward, 1 step back.
You should be frank about your actions
Stop the following, shadowing, spying, traps, etc
Seems disingenuous that you don't include her in the conversation
It's like, she doesn't need to know b/c she said she'd stop talking to him
But also, using that as a pawn to see if she is.. that's out of your control.
She's either going to be honest with you or not.
Does your wife know you told your parents everything?
Another violation of trust if she doesn't know
Honesty will set you free
If a parolee violates parole, you report it to the police
It's a crime, not the discretion of a parole officer to administer punishment
And even if you did..
It's like 1 step forward, 1 step back.
You should be frank about your actions
Stop the following, shadowing, spying, traps, etc
Seems disingenuous that you don't include her in the conversation
It's like, she doesn't need to know b/c she said she'd stop talking to him
But also, using that as a pawn to see if she is.. that's out of your control.
She's either going to be honest with you or not.
Does your wife know you told your parents everything?
Another violation of trust if she doesn't know
Honesty will set you free
If your intent is truly to 'keep the family together' and make this relationship work, you're off to a SHITTY start with all of this continuing spying. Marriages are based on the entire foundation of trust and your sneaking around is just making everything worse.
Chapter Leader (Southern Region)
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 88,888
Likes: 11,846
From: Waffles, BU
OP truly doesn't see that what he's doing is guaranteeing failure
He thinks he's trying to keep it together, but in reality, he's just setting himself up
Even if his wife is honest and dedicated toward the family, he'll never trust her again
And when she finds out he violated her trust as a confidant partner
She'll never trust him again, etc
He thinks he's trying to keep it together, but in reality, he's just setting himself up
Even if his wife is honest and dedicated toward the family, he'll never trust her again
And when she finds out he violated her trust as a confidant partner
She'll never trust him again, etc
Last edited by Majofo; Jun 19, 2019 at 02:14 PM.
