I don't understand if she is a great mother, why she would want her kids around a sex offender. Does she think he wouldn't do anything to her kids because he is with her? They will manipulate who ever they have to, to get close to their next victim. Don't let that be your children. Leave her ass is she continues to see this dude. You will figure it out on how to take care of the kids. Your family will most likely step up to lessen the hardship at first until you get things situated. It has to be scary to think of it, but it could always be worse. Best of luck man, I really hope you do the right thing for you and your children.

 

^She thinks he’s innocent.



The way I see it, OP has a better chance keeping his kids away from the dude if he stays with his wife. If he’s not around, she’s going to go to the pedo, and I don’t see OP getting full custody. How could he stop her from taking the kids there after a divorce?

 

IMO I would consult with a lawyer asap. You may feel empathy for your wife but it can get very ugly in family court.

You and your kids best interests are to get away from that dude. I do not see your wife or the other guy prioritizing your kids.

Nothing will substitute a cohesive family unit but you guys are well past that. At least if you can secure child support rights (not sure how it works in your area) it will at least ease the financial burden.

Completely understand your concern for your wife but who knows what this guy is really like. How would you feel it something happened to your kids?

 

The fuck.
The @ tag didn't ping me.. I was just looking for the locked thread Mike mentioned. This board hasn't seen much traffic, but when it does, its always interesting.

First of all, before considering any action, I consider what drives people to do the things they do. That's not always obvious, but this seems obvious. Your wife is a classic attention seeker. Maybe also some PPD going on since just having a baby. Your shouldn't trust her.

That guy on the other hand is using your wife to exploit your kids. He has no interest in a married woman with 6 kids. He's baiting your wife to earn her trust and get access to your kids. She'll deny this because she's drunk in her own self-interests at the moment.

My focus wouldn't be about where the relationship is going. My interest would be centered on the kids and protecting them. You need to sacrifice your time and energy for them. Cut your wife loose, tell her to go to that guy and leave the kids with you. Shame her for endangering their lives. If you do the opposite and deny her access to him, she'll find a way.. it may only increase her attraction to him.

In regards to airing this guy's dirty laundry, it's already out there. The best thing to do now is to put him in jeopardy. This guy isn't clean. He's an addict and exploitation of kids is his drug. If the law could bait him, he'd be right back in jail.

 

I reread the OP.. is the guy on parole? If so, he may be violating parole being around your kids. You should talk to local laws enforcement about your situation to see if it indeed violates the terms of his parole.

 

This may or may not be something you already know, but I am throwing it out there just in case:

There is a difference between "custody" and "possession."

Generally speaking, absent some serious questions about the well-being of the children, both parents have equal rights to the children. There's a whole laundry list of rights parents either hold exclusively or hold jointly such as consenting to medical treatment, consenting to military service, etc. In the vast majority of cases, both parents retain these rights. So both parents retain joint custody.

As a matter of course, the children usually have to live with one parent more than the other. For example one address has to be the designated address of the child for school purposes. This is a question of possession, and is not necessarily related to issues of full or partial custody. In the vast majority of cases, both parents have "full custody" but unequal possession periods.

In my experience, attorneys salivate when they hear about parents trying to get "full custody" which the parent really means to be exclusive custody. It allows them to run up big bills in a long drawn out fight. But ultimately, I'd have to say 99% of divorce cases end up in joint custody unless you can prove a compelling drug habit, record of child neglect, or history of violence.

 

Very sorry to hear this, I don't think a relationship/marriage can restart after something like this. If it were me, divorce is the only option. You don't get over something like this and act like nothing happened. Like others have said, you have the leverage with the custody, and I wouldn't want that pos anywhere near my kids if I were you. I know that no decision you make will be easy, but you have to do what's best for you and your kids. Your wife is selfish and has chosen her path, now it's time to choose yours.

 

What are you some internet lawyer?

But seriously, how about the co-habitation with a registered sex offender?

 

In Texas anyway, that in of itself is not sufficient to deny possession or custody. A semi-standard provision in possession orders around here is a duty to notify the other party if one party resides with a registered sex-offender. But aside from notice, that's all that can be done until evidence surfaces of an actual threat to the child.

 

What in the fuck.

 

Wow, surprising. Thanks for the info.

 

That is some suckage right there that it isn't enough for full custody. Sickening to know your kids could have to split time living with a registered sex offender.

 

My BIL got full possession of his kids from his drug using wife, but only after CPS tested the house and found drug residue on the walls, etc. from smoking crack or meth in the house. Even then she had supervised visits which eventually expanded to weekend visits.

From what I've seen, it takes some really BAD circumstances to get the kids away from a parent that isn't willing to give up possession.

 

While this case you mentioned is obviously quite extreme, this makes sense. Being a drug addict doesn't necessarily mean you shouldn't see your kids. It simply means you can't reasonably take care of them in an altered state.

And I don't think it's reasonable for OP to expect his ex to never see the children but he should be able to get primary custody.

 

Something to consider... Let's say you or your wife have a relative who is a convicted sex offender. He's paid his debt to society and is released, but has to continue to register. What are your legal remedies if your wife decides to go visit the relative and takes the children with her? Or it doesn't even have to be a sex offender but just a relative you don't care for.

The answer is that you have no legal remedies, meaning you cannot call the police on your wife and bring the children back. This is because your wife has freedom of movement and association, and it is also presumed that she has the interest and safety of the children in mind and will not let them come to harm. By extension, she cannot call the police on you if you take the children to a shooting range or some other "inherently dangerous" activity simply because she disagrees with it. So if parents that are together don't have this power to curtail one another, why would courts give divorcing parents power to control one another? Really it would just be giving an avenue for a couple that hate each other to continue sniping at one another for the next 18 years.

Further, I can go into a whole long discussion on how sex offender registration doesn't always mean anything.

The presumed best interest of the child is to have both parents involved in their lives. This is the standard doctrine in 49 States (I don't know which State is the odd-man out btw).

 

Excerpt from a decree (that I am drafting right now actually):

 

It's a good idea but difficult in execution. She doesn't let her phone out of sight for a second. And she has a password. So accessing the phone directly isn't happening. It might be possible through the carrier though. I'll look into it.

I agree that separation may be better if there was a lot of friction between the couple. But my wife and I get along well. When we occasionally argue (like with this dumpster fire) it's in private. In this case, I don't think it would be good.

As some have mentioned, the tracker thing isn't really effective. I'm aware that there's ways around that. And I told her that if I'm needing to track or record her, that something is obviously wrong with our marriage.

This is really the main problem. I didn't raise too much hell the first time I suspected them of cheating. But this time around was much more traumatic for her. When I could quote all the trash talk, kids seeing Mr. Sex Offender and most of all, their sex talk (which was playful banter of course ) it freaked her out pretty bad. I also told her that if this happens again, I'm gone and will fight tooth and nail for everything I can including the kids. No questions asked. Whether or not she truly cares about us, or just wants to protect the kids, I don't know. But I do sincerely believe that she'll do everything in her power to avoid a divorce. What I don't believe is that she'll be able to stay away from the creep. At least not without a lot of will power.

She's convinced he's innocent. He's very charismatic and exceptionally manipulative. He had me fooled for a long time. And yes, like I told her, even once with this guy and it's game over.

I'm normally a pretty chill guy but have been borderline heartless with this whole thing. It's shook her up quite a bit. She accused me of being "ridged" the other night. I told her I have no more tolerance for this. I even told her that if it weren't for the kids, I'd get a divorce. I sort of think that might have been a mistake. That made her cry. I followed that up with making it clear that I do love her, and want to fix things and get back to a good place. That's what we've agreed upon at this point. Things are good for now. We went on a date and spent a decent amount of time together this weekend.


I'm not sure how it's going to either. I've told her that. I don't see how I'll ever be able to trust her again. Anger and resentment isn't the problem. I can forgive. It's trust. A lack of trust in a relationship is like cancer.

Yes. Most definitely. He is on parole and not even allowed near his own kids. He's not allowed near bus stops, parks, public pools, etc. My wife has asked that I not go to the police with this. I haven't yet - which you'll all probably consider a mistake. I'm still mulling over my options. This is leverage for me in a way. I've made it clear to her that if I ever find him even contacting the kids that I'll do everything in my power to get him back in jail. And the deputies in our town all know this guy - and don't like him one bit. (We don't have our own PD. Our town contracts with the Sheriff's dept.)

Thanks for all the other comments too. Good food for thought. This isn't an easy decision.

And I believe ya'll are correct on the co-habitation with a sex offender. On parole, no. But after parole, it's acceptable as long as there's not some sort of protective order. But I read quite a few accounts from fathers who easily got a judge to issue a protective order for their kids, due to their ex-wife's dating or living in with a sex offender, even when he wasn't on parole anymore. I think it would be easy with this guys history. He's got a rap sheet as it is, aside from this conviction. But by default, a sex offender that's not on parole can live with children.

 

No, I don't think that was a mistake. It's the only way to make it clear to her what the stakes are. Without really knowing you or her, it's hard to say what is right for you, but this isn't the first time she's done this. On the other hand, maybe you are partly/equally/mostly to blame for her straying? Dunno. Both of you need to understand why she did/does this and then try to remedy the cause/s. If the two of you can work that out between yourselves, great. But going through additional marriage counseling at this point might be in order. It's a tough situation with the kids. Good luck!

 

Damn, dude. Family court can be a tough row to hoe.

 

You're not doing what's right for your kids because you're still giving benefit of the doubt to your wife.
Neither she nor that dirtbag pedo can be trusted.You're being selfish, report the guy to the authorities.
Who knows what other kids or families he's jeopardizing.

 

I have to agree that he’s the last person to protect. Her trying to protect him says something.

 

I'm very sorry to hear this but look out for your kids and yourself.

Get a lawyer.

Get the fuck out of that marriage. I can't imagine you won't get what you want in court, he's been convicted of a sex crime and it sounds like adultery is a big deal in your area so you have to have the advantage. Even if they aren't hooking up as she claims (you know they are), they're in love and she waited for him to get out of jail. I get you're scared but nothing good is going to come out of the future here and your kids will sense the issues so divorce isn't always bad.

 

Agreed, as long as this guy is in the picture your wife and kids are at risk. The fact that she's looking out for him and protecting him is a huge red flag. There can be no trust or common ground while that dude is still out there and in contact with your wife and possibly your children

 

I agree wholeheartedly with what Mojofo has said here.

Also, since you stated you are LDS and so far haven't put in her in front of your Bishop, consider these things - 1) you and I both know the Church would not consider her confession her affair as an optional item; 2) if her affair partner is also LDS and actively attends a local ward, his leadership need to know so they are aware that he is actively stalking children again (no primary callings for this guy); 3) whatever calling she is in, local leadership should know about her poor judgment and/or poor self-discipline relative to the safety and well being of her own children; and 4), you need to get this situation on record with them if you want them on your side in any divorce action. Divorces will divide wards, and I think you know that. You're going to need help with the six kids and your church support system should be there to help you, not her.

 

I think something to keep in mind is how pedofiles work IRL. The most successful ones are charming, charismatic, and “trustworthy”. They pull a veil innocence and goodwill over the adults around them to protect their true intentions from being discovered.

 

As an atheist I never give religious advice. But in this case I will. Your wife needs to find Jesus! All kidding aside, the kiddos are #1 in priority. Get a lawyer, the fact she is associating with a convicted pedo and has had your children around him the LAW is on your side.

As far as her being a cheater...once a cheater always a cheater.

 

I rarely agree with 007spy, but this...

 

Thank you. We've discussed counseling. We plan on starting the beginning of next month after the kids get out of school.

Yeah, that's what I'm worried about. If she has feelings for this guy, which I think it's evident that she does, I don't think she'll be able to stay away.

Agreed. Like I said, this guy had me fooled for quite a while. Everyone around me though he was a creep but I kept playing devils advocate, thinking that he was just in the wrong place at the wrong time. But no, I was naïve. There's no doubt in my mind at this point.

It's hard to argue with you on this. I've considered calling the cops and filing a report right away. For better or worse, parolees are pretty much considered guilty until proven innocent if someone reports them breaking parole. It would definitely cause some hell for him if I filed an official report/complaint. But yes, I am giving my wife the benefit of the doubt despite not trusting her much at all. It's hard not to consider everything she's done for me over the years in exchange for giving her that chance. This got out of hand because both of us were friends with him and his wife (when they were still married) but one thing led to another and eventually got to this point. She was simply friends with him at one point - so if she's now realized that she's effed up and wants to make things right, it would make sense that she doesn't necessarily want to see him go to jail. This might be foolish. I'm playing devils advocate again. But in this case, the stakes are a lot higher.

As for Dr. 7-count-of-exploitation-of-a-minor, LITERALLY everyone else who knows him thinks he's a complete creep. When he was hanging around our place a few years ago (before he went to jail and all and I considered him a friend), many of my kids' friends parents wouldn't let their children come over to our house because they knew the guy was there, or could be there.

I'm not saying that he couldn't hurt someone. If there was someone ignorant to the situation it could present some risk. But between him being on the news a few times and his dirty reputation in a relatively small community, I don't think he's much of a risk to other children. Heck, very few adults will have anything to do with him let alone the kids. Also, to give him some sort of credit, he hasn't been suspected of doing anything appropriate with a kid. I'm not trying to paint an acceptable picture of him here - just stating the facts.



The newest event so far is a voicemail my wife got last night from the Board of Pardons and Parole. When I left the anonymous tip, I left it with my kids full names. I'm assuming they looked up their information and called her that way. We'll see how that pans out. She wasn't happy when she heard it.

 

As a dispassionate outsider to your situation, this part of your narrative concerns me. He was caught with child porn. It is a very small step from looking at it online, to seeking the opportunity to act out those images and fantasies. You don't actually KNOW he hasn't done something inappropriate with a kid. You only know no one has reported it. That's the true extent of your knowledge. Moreover, unsupervised kids are extremely easy to manipulate. You may THINK no kids will have anything to do with him, but I think you are fooling yourself.

I cannot emphasize this enough - you have GOT to get your kids away from any possible influence from this man. If it takes a restraining order, that's a step. If it takes divorce, it hurts, but that may be what's best for the kids. If it takes moving, that really sucks, but again it may be what's best. And, for the record, he deserves no credit. None. Now is not the time to harbor any concern for this man's well being; that is a vestigial emotion from you having been friends with him at one time. The ONLY concern is making sure he is never within arm's length of one of your kids ever again. That's it.

 

It's really sad that you can't see your delusion. You may be able to salvage your marriage, but not this way. Your wife already doesn't respect you. You're just showing your weakness, ability to be manipulated, and propensity to forgive betrayal. You need to stomp all of the shenanigans out. Report the guy and be bold. Air out all the dirty laundry. Your wife doesn't care about your relationship, she's scared of being exposed and losing her comforts. She has no regard for you. You can't even look at her phone still.

Be a man of respect. Do what's right and face all the consequences head on. The only thing you did wrong was not be an appropriate gatekeeper to your family. Don't associate with scumbags. Separate yourself from anyone who isn't living a wholesome life and make no excuse for doing so. That includes people in the church who aren't living honestly.

If your wife truly loves you, after all is said and done, she'll beg for your forgiveness. After some time to clear your head, whether you forgive her or not will be on your terms. Trying to keep your house together is the easy and selfish choice. Being righteous is the difficult path, but the only way to rectify things and bring order back. Have some self-respect. Be someone your kids will respect at least.

 

Reminds me of the Netflix movie "Extremely Wicked, Shockingly Evil and Vile" about the woman who was in a relationship with Ted Bundy when he was out killing all those women, she stuck by him and believed he was innocent, and he kept denying everything even when he went to jail, she still believed him.

 

What kind of life does your wife have? I'd imagine being a stay at home mom to 6 kids would be very boring, not interacting with many people your age. Maybe she only hangs out with other moms and their kids. Maybe the lack of adult interaction has got her receptive to being hit on by a pedophile.

 

This even more reminds me of Ted Bundy

 

OP - I don't have much advice to offer, but I'm praying that everything works out for you. You sound like a good dude.

 

Holy crap.

Wow, I'm so sorry to read this, OP.





There is a common theme in here: Get your most precious away from the creep ASAP.

I'm sorry you knew this person from before and clearly, his "disease" has crept into your life and brought upon this amount of distress and unhappiness for you. Your wife needs help and more than anything, you need to get away from her too.

 

^ This.

 

Did you speak with a lawyer yet?

 

To me, it isn't the same thing. Your wife goes and visits the relative and maybe takes the kids with her. To visit here is key in my opinion.

If OP gets divorced and doesn't get sole custody of his kids that means his kids will be living with a sex offender at least some of the time. That to me leaves a lot more of a chance something happens vs just a visit here and there to a relative.

I am all for people being rehabbed for certain crimes and given a second chance. Other crimes not so much. That being said I will play devils advocate to my own argument and mention that we don't know what exactly happened that made him register as a sex offender. Was he 19 and had sex with a 17 yr old in a state that claims that is a crime. Or was he a 30 yr old that had sex with a 15 yr old? Or did her do something much worse? Even those first two are different enough to change my mind on how I would treat this situation.

 

FFS CCColtsichock
ey

You don't read too good

He's convicted of having a stash of child porn and creeping on kids behind their homes

 

You're very much in denial with these statements.... You and your wife are aware of what he's done, yet your wife and possibly your kids are still around this person. He's very much a risk to children, especially YOUR children. Turning a blind eye, or giving the benefit of doubt is the very last thing you should be doing with this situation. I find it hard to believe that you're defending or protecting the person your wife is cheating on you with, especially when he sounds like a complete low life dirt ball.

Agreed, well said. This dude is a threat to your family and your children