losiglow

iTrader: (1)

I discovered last week that my wife is cheating on me with a family friend. I haven't yet confronted her about it. I suspected she might be cheating a few months back because she was constantly texting, never let me use her phone and pretty much stopped showing me any affection. I decided to record some of her conversations (not going to disclose exactly how I did that just in case she hunts down this thread) and confirmed within just a few days that she was indeed cheating.

The guy is a real piece of work. He was accused of possession of child pornography a few years back and convicted last year. He spent around 9 months in jail and is now released on parole. He lives about 4 miles from us. Yay I used to be friends with him but when he started doing some weird things like camping in our backyard and flirting with my wife I ended up getting a trespassing order on our property and asked him not to come back. Here's some news articles on him:

Utah County Attorney's Office News - Details

https://www.ksl.com/article/46274273...rnography-case

Utah Department of Corrections Sex and Kidnap Offender Registry- Contact


Under different circumstances I'd probably consider divorce right away. But my kids complicate things. I have 6 kids (yes, 6) and love them to death. We were separated a few years back. It was only for about 6 months but it killed me inside to be separated from them. I was only able to see them once a week at most. I never realized how much I would miss them until I could no longer see them.

If we got divorced, I'd probably have to move in with my parents. I'd have to finagle our finances to see if I could afford a place of my own but it wouldn't be too soon, if anytime in the near future. The housing market in Utah is pretty hot. Rent is high. My parents have plenty of room for me but joint custody of my kids would be near impossible. Chances are, especially here in Utah where the mother has the upper hand in a divorce (or is that all states.....?), she'd almost certainly get awarded full custody. I'm not entirely opposed to that if I could have more frequent visitations. Anyway, that's a bit of a rabbit hole.

The other option I'm toying with, based on my wife's reaction when I confront her, is to stay married and "start over" in our relationship per se. Our relationship could use some help, though I didn't know it was so bad for her that she'd go cheat. The other obvious condition would be that she would no longer see this guy. This would be better for all parties involved IMO. The kids, her and me (not for the guys she's cheating with but f*ck him of course). Divorce would result in my wife being kicked from medical insurance and with her medical problems that would be an issue. It would hurt us financially since my costs to live on my own would drain our resources that would otherwise go to the family.

There are a couple things that are kind of unique to our situation. First, there's a chance that she'll apologize profusely and beg for forgiveness. About 2 years ago, I caught her sitting on this guys lap and telling him she loved him. When I confronted her about it (she didn't know I saw or heard them) she FREAKED out. She made up every excuse in the book about why it happened and apologized over and over again. I'm not certain why she reacted that way. There are several possibilities. The guy is going to have a very difficult time supporting a family since getting a good job as a sex offender with 2nd degree felonies is going to be tough. I have a good job - bring in 6 figures. So there's that financial stability. Also, we're LDS (Mormon) and adultery is an exceedingly egregious sin. While I'd have no intention of slandering her, she'd be terrified of people finding out. Either way, I forgave her and moved on. Largely because I knew this guy was going to jail and figured he'd be out of the picture. Little did I know it would only be for 9 months. Whether or not she'll react in the same way this time is yet to be seen but it's a possibility.

Second, she filed for divorce during our separation a few years back. She didn't take me to the cleaners like I thought she would. Granted, she still got more than half of our assets since she kept the house, which had about 250K in equity. About 320K now. But she didn't take as much alimony as she probably could have, I kept my retirement accounts which are substantial (she kept hers) and I got to claim three kids on my taxes. Ultimately it would have left me with much more disposable income than I ever had in marriage. I would have still spent it on my kids but I wouldn't legally have to. She'd be stuck with the house payment as well. So we didn't get lawyers. We sat down and sorted it out in a very logical and civil manner. She's an excellent mother and cares about our kids more than life itself. We agreed that an ugly divorce would hurt them even more and take away from resources by forking out money for lawyers. I think she knows that I would never let our kids go without regardless of who controlled the money and I know she'd do everything in her power to make sure they're taken care of. So there's a possibility that our divorce would be civil and fair.

So what do you guys think? Divorce anyways? Or (if the scenario play out), try to make it work? Or maybe a third option I'm not thinking of? This all sucks but I'll likely be confronting her in a week or less at which point it's all going to hit the fan.

stogie1020

Whoa... No advice, but good luck...

Does the dude have to register as a sex offender? If so, and if she wants to hang around him after a divorce (if it happens), it might make it more likely you would get the kids. I can't see a family court wanting him around six kids.

thoiboi

SLC and Mormon with 6 kids... I'm shocked .

I joke and don't mean any harm, just wanted to bring some humor and levity to the situation. I got some family out in SLC that are LDS as well with large families so clearly I can make jokes like these


Have you guys looked into family/marriage counseling since the first incident? It might be worthwhile 'for the kids' at least until they get of age. Also as her history proves.. "once a cheater, always a cheater" and I don't know if she will ever 'come around' so it really begs the question of "Is it worth the effort" if it weren't for the kids.

losiglow

iTrader: (1)

Wow. I can't believe I didn't think about that. He was convicted of exploitation of a minor as well, which is a 2nd degree felony which lands him on the registry for life (some crimes are only 10 years). In one recording, they talked about getting married once his probation is up in three years but there may be some complications with that.


Yeah, shocker eh? I still don't know how we ended up with that many. Well, I know how it happened but....when I look back.....I don't know how it happened

I know, about the cheater thing. Believing that it would never happen again is difficult. Yeah, we've tried counselling in the past. If we decide to stay together then counselling will be a must.

Dr. Laura's take with kids and divorce is to keep the family together until the kids are out of the house with exception to things like abuse, which is not an issue here. I see her point there. We're more than capable of being civil, and things can only get better.

justnspace

iTrader: (1)

3rd option; Polygamy?

horseshoez

iTrader: (2)

Interesting.

A gentleman I used to work for converted to LDS for his wife and as I remember the story, he went so far as to become a Priest. At one point someone from SLC came out here to New England to "observe and report" whether they were living withing the bounds of the faith. The problem was, the wife and the "observer" ended up having an affair. Yeesh.

Fortunately neither my wife or I have strayed over the course of our 25 year marriage, so I cannot comment from that perspective, however, ain't neither one of us saints as prior to meeting we both carried on a few affairs with married folks. Were I in your shoes, I'd sue for divorce and custody and leverage the heck out of the registered sex offender thing to make sure you get that custody.

kurtatx

I don't know you that well, but fight like hell if you want to divorce her. You're entitled to a lot and in Utah you can definitely use her infidelity as a means to improve your position.

https://www.divorceutah.com/2015/12/...utah-can-cost/

kurtatx

Utah may be conservative, but yeah, the registered sex offender thing should be ground enough for OP to get at least joint if not full custody.

oo7spy

I got a bit lost in your story. When y’all separated, did the divorce she filed for go through? And y’all remarried?

losiglow

iTrader: (1)

Thanks for the comments.

LoL @ polygamy. If I can't reign in one wife just think how I'd handle two or three?

To clarify - no, the divorce never went through when we were separated. We reconciled and allowed the divorce filing to expire.

Having now spent about 2 hours on the interwebs looking at Utah law (and of course, the internet doesn't lie), it does seem that the sex offender thing gives a ton of leverage with child custody.

I meet with a lawyer on Wednesday for a free consultation. Then I have to figure out how to break it to the wifey.

horseshoez

iTrader: (2)

Protecting the kids at all cost should be Priority #1, if that means wifey goes bye-bye, so be it.

thoiboi

What are Utah's laws when it comes to audio/video recording? Is it a single party consent state?


nvm just d and it looks like it is.. so you're good https://www.utahcriminallaw.net/is-i...ation-in-utah/

thoiboi

But only the first 3

losiglow

iTrader: (1)

Yeah, single consent. I'll definitely have a recorder on me when I break the news.

stogie1020

Not saying you should stay with her, but make sure you think through every eventuality before you fire up the recorder and tell her to get lost...

6 kids to take care of is no joke...

NBP04TL4ME

Very sorry to hear and as mentioned (and you know this) taking care of the kids is and should be the first priority. Any sense in sending something to the both of them via snail-mail letting them know they have been found out, but leaving you out of the picture? Then allow either of both of them to be scared straight? Only mention this as you said you wife may wind up apologizing profusely............ Simply a though and again sorry that you are in this situation.

doopstr

No way in hell I would want my kids hanging around with that guy. You should battle for 100% custody if you can't save your marriage.

Your wife should probably seek counseling. Something is broken, she should not be sexing a child predator. IMO, high probability that he is using her to get to your kids.

stogie1020

or just make sure someone finds the new child porn on his new computer.... Problem solved for 10-14 years.

gatrhumpy

iTrader: (1)

Wow, sorry you're going through this bro.

Try to get to therapy. Start over. Even though she cheated, it still might be worth saving. In addition, ask her straight up if she still loves YOU (not the money, the house, stability, health insurance, etc.). How she reacts to that question should give you the next steps you need to proceed. If she says she loves you, and wants to continue with you, tell her that the relationship with the other guy is OVER. NOW. Get a restraining order against him for the sake of your family. (Never mind threatening her with letting everyone know she cheated. Sometimes embarrassment is enough to stop it).

Good luck.

oo7spy

Situation fucking sucks. I don’t know how I could stay with her after, but I also don’t have six kids. It doesn’t really matter, and we respect your privacy, but I’m curious the youngest’s age.



You mentioned not wanting to her to be shamed by the Church for her adultery, but I have to imagine the dating a child predator does just as much damage. Is this the guy you heard her say she wanted to marry? If you leave her, will she go to him which eventually becomes public?

I think you need to get over the idea of protecting her. You don’t need to parade your dirty laundry around town, but that is a serious transgression that she needs to own up to whether she ends up giving it up completely or accepting that as her new life.

She has compromised everything. Protect your kids from this predator. She’s a grown woman.

stogie1020

She is cheating because she is looking for something she is not currently getting from you and your relationship.

If you can figure out what that is, and are willing to change to provide it to her, do it.

If you can figure out what it is and are not willing to provide it, or cannot figure out what it is, leave her, as she will continually seek it out in the future (this is now the second time). Unless you are just OK with her stepping out like this.

losiglow

iTrader: (1)

I agree, and admit fault to this. At least partially. Between work and a late-night side gig I'm not at home as often as I'd like. And when I am I'm often tired. Granted, she's often beat as well and has sometimes turned down my invitations to do something. But I don't deny fault to this at all. I don't think it's justification for what she did but it's certainly a valid reason.


- Youngest is 1. Oldest is 14. The 14 and 12 year old are the ones who have spent the night with him.

This is true. And many folks in our congregation are aware of her past with this guy. In a general culture of trying not to be judgmental (ye of no sin cast the first stone....) some folks try not to judge. But it's fairly well known that this guy is super dodgy so it's hard for people not to

Thing is, she's an excellent mother. I know, she's let them see this guy. But she's 100% convinced the guy is innocent so I've tried to see it from her side. She's also done a lot for me. Really stood by me when I've hit tough times. We've been together 16 years and have been through a lot together. So while I don't know how I'm going to try to reconcile with this break of trust, I have no desire to hurt her. Quite the opposite really. That, and hurting her only hurts the children which I certainly don't want to do. I don't consider her cheating on me to negate all the good in the past.

losiglow

iTrader: (1)

I agree 100%. Which is why if we divorce, I want to make sure everything we do is centered around them. I'm still figuring out how to take care of the sexual offender thing. We'll see how that pans out. It might be a matter of calling to cops next time I know my kids are going over there. Breaking parole. That would get him some jail time.


There are a few problems with 100% custody. It would tear the kids away from their friends, home and school. Also, I don't have resources to take care of all of them all the time. My wife doesn't work. Well, not outside the home anyways. And as a dedicated mother she's worn down to nothing at the end of the night. And that's with me helping where I can once I get home from work. I don't know how I'd be able to do that. And my kids love her to death. Being separated would be devastating to them. They'd hate me forever for it as well.

losiglow

iTrader: (1)

Thanks. I see a psychiatrist every 6 months due to some past issues. So happens that my appointment was today. I told him about the issue and we talked through it. I'm not actually all that upset. Sort of a "truth will set you free" sort of thing. I've suspected this for sometime and now knowing what's going on is sort of liberating.

On the note of asking her if she loves me, I broke the news to her today. For better or worse, she went with the "profusely apologizing" route. Sort of anyways. She started by denying everything, then accusing me of all sorts of stuff, then taking about working things out. That's three of the five stages. Denial, anger, bargaining. Next is depression and acceptance. I'm at work but I'm guessing the depression part is happening right now. Hopefully we can have the "acceptance" talk tonight.

And yes, she said she still loves me. But I don't know if that's enough. I suppose it should be. Easier said than done.

justnspace

iTrader: (1)

it's very cool that you see us as friends and are willing to open up about your personal life.
the very best of luck to you friend!

te3point5

This seems like a pattern.



Based on my above comment, seems doubtful that this will work, plus you'll always have some lingering doubt going forward. Also, I think the fact that she cheated with the guy BEFORE he was sent to prison on child porn possession, and CONTINUED to cheat with him after the conviction shows a serious lack of judgement on her part. If it were me, this not someone I would want in my or my children's lives making decisions. Obviously a lot of considerations, but from a 3rd party perspective, I would divorce and fight for full custody, and not offer any reconciliation, if you are sure she is cheating.

losiglow

iTrader: (1)

That's the hardest part. I don't see any way I'll be able to trust her again. Some people can never get over one affair let alone two. I think staying in this situation would officially brand me as beta cuck of the year (I hate that word - usually only used by the ignorant alt-right but it's the best word I can think of to describe the situation).

She's called me four times since this morning, saying the same thing every time - She's sorry, start over, yadda-yadda. I keep telling her that she's misunderstanding the situation - it's not about forgiveness - it's about trust. I can forgive. That's not a problem. It's the trust that's the problem. And I can't keep spying on her, being paranoid that she's playing around. The two times I've spied on her I ended up finding this. I'd almost be afraid to find next time I get nosy.

We're going to hash it out some more tonight.

horseshoez

iTrader: (2)

Change the conversation and make it about the kids.

oo7spy

@Majofo

This dude (not losiglow) is a shit stain on an electric chair. Surely he’s tried his hand at the Interwebz once or twice. Got anything for OP to help his case?

CCColtsicehockey

Unleash the Majofo

And sorry you are going through this OP. That royally sucks. I agree with others that at this point you need to do it for the kids and keeping them as far away from this guy as possible seems like the first priority at this point.

losiglow

iTrader: (1)

After a long series of discussions with her yesterday, she finally admitted to saying she loved him and brought the kids over. I recorded the conversation for good measure. She didn't admit to outright cheating but instead insists that they had "playful banter" and that it was just "fantasy talk". I call BS and I told her so. I asked to see her phone so I could take a look at her text messages but she refused. That tells me enough right there.

You're right. Despite all of that, I'm going to stick around for now. My parents think I'm nuts but I'm terrified of shaking that foundation of safety, security and stability that my kids have. My parents divorced when I was 8 and it scared me to death. I don't think they realize exactly what it did to me. They never had to experience that since both of their parents (my grandparents) had a happy and long marriage. It's one thing if your parents get divorced when you're an older teenager or an adult but when you're a kid, it's a whole different matter. If the wifey was defiant or in favor of divorce it might be different. But I'm having a hard time justifying breaking up the home when she's admitting fault for (most...) everything and begging forgiveness. She also called up Phil (the homewrecker) and told him she, and the kids, can no longer see him. She insisted I put a tracker on her car so she can prove that she's not going over there. I have one of those that tracks real time, but I don't know that's it's necessary. The telltale sign that she's been over there in the past is the dust on the car. His place is about a mile down a dirt road so naturally her car comes back all dusty when she drives down it. I washed it yesterday so we'll see what it looks like when I come home today.

CCColtsicehockey

She offered for you to put the tracker on her car. I wouldn't do that she will just have him pick her up from someplace and take her back to his place and drop her back off later and not prove anything to you. I would install tracking software on her phone without her knowledge if you are staying together. If you are on the same phone plan almost every provider these days has a tracking service you can pay for.

horseshoez

iTrader: (2)

Divorce affects different kids in different ways. My parents divorced when I was 7 and when my siblings were 6, 5, and 3, and all things considered, it was a definite net-positive in all of our lives.

MyGuti

Ive read through the posts in this thread, mainly losiglows and have only thing in mind....
you mention that she is a great mother, and you understand how bad a divorce can affect children (having gone through it yourself).
taking full custody of the children would hurt your wife, and you've mentioned that you don't want to hurt her.
Not to mention how it will affect your children from being away from there mother.

I don't have advice as to whether or not divorce her or not.....
but when it comes to her suggesting putting a tracker on her car....that's a pretty big red flag for me.....
also not mention, the only two times you've been nosy, you've caught her both times....that says something about whats been happening when you were not being nosy...

something to consider man, I have a baby boy myself and being a new father to a single child has been a huge wake up call for me.
do everything right to protect the kids.
I'm not saying totally forget about finances, because part of that is taking care of the kids, but finances will fall into place.

te3point5

Don't underplay the fact that kids are super intuitive, and if there's tension and/or unhappiness on the parent's by sticking around (and there will be), they will pick up on that and that would/could affect them as well. My Brother In Law and his wife fight all the time, are on the verge of separating, but aren't, and I KNOW that their kids (8 and 5) pick up on the vibes (maybe the 8 year old more than the 5 year old). Not just vibes, inadvertent verbal swipes from one parent about the other will also be picked up on.

SamDoe1

This. So much this. She's had history with this guy both before and after he's been in jail! I don't see this ending any time soon since being a convicted sexual predator is a rather large turn off for ANYONE let alone a woman who has six children.

I'd run, not walk, away from this ASAP. Protect your kids. I'm sure you'll figure out the money thing. If you're into six figs, you'll be more than fine.

She's not dumb, she's done this before. The tracker bit is just to appease you and to prove crap in court should it come up. As someone said, she'll just have him pick her up from somewhere and drop her off again.

The fact that you tried to let her off once before and she's still at it is a massive sign of things to come.

CCColtsicehockey

To me, this and her allowing her kids to be around a sex offender tells me all I need to know about the fact she will never change.

stogie1020

Totally agree, but I think the pressing question is how does he proceed in the best interest of the kids?

Stay with her and suck it up for the next 18 years to keep mom and dad together for the kids knowing she will probably do this again or leave her and take the kids, with whatever toll that takes on the kids not being around both parents?

I think I lean toward the latter, but 6 kids is a hell of a commitment, and it may not be within what he is capable of handling.

CCColtsicehockey

If the dude was not a registered sex offender I would agree it could be a tough choice although it is definitely going to take a huge toll on himself for the next 18 years and one the kids will eventually inevitably pick up on. It is a huge commitment on his part and going to be really hard but I don't know what else he can really do. Neither is a good answer but leaving to chance a sex offender being around my kids would be the worst of the choices to me.

stogie1020

Yeah, the more I mull this one over, the more I agree. The chance of the kids being negatively impacted by the divorce is high, but the consequences themselves are far less severe (I think, I have never been involved in a divorce) than the consequences if the offender re-offends and they are a victim.