What is with this month and everyone splitting?! Myself and six other couples are breaking things off.

So ive happily been with the same girl since 2007, with our tenth anniversary coming up at the end of July. She moved to the central coast in the summer of 2010, we got engaged the year after and had a long distance relationship. It wasn't ideal, but I would make the drive once or twice a week. We split/called of the engagement two years ago, because "our relationship was embarrassing" because we lived apart. She had just wrapped up her degree at Cal Poly, and we didn't know if we going to live in SLO or in the valley. We got back together that September and I quit my job and moved to the coast December 15.

she wanted to be with me so bad, that she was willing to pay for my bills until I got on my feet, so I initiated a transfer with the job that I had, but it took forever, so I got on with the post office in March, AND my transfer went through. Work was slow with the post office up until I switched my craft to the city side, so up until then, I was in no position to afford anything extra, nor equally split rent, but she complained that I don't take her out, buy her stuff, plan trips, or make an effort to move out together.

January of this year, we found out that she had to have her gallbladder out, and they found a mass on her liver. The gall bladder is out, but to this day, we still don't know about the mass. They just keep wanting to do MRI after MRI several months out, and it has been really stressful. She recently took a new position at her company that is really stressful as well. So she has been super overwhelmed. We go out with friends and drink and whatnot, but I always get frustrated that she drinks until she's miserable and is sick at home, so she claims that I don't want her to drink, which I have never said, I just tell her that you don't need to be plastered to have fun is all. So she claims that she can't do anything, but I always work on weekends, so she goes on day trips with her girlfriends, goes out to brunch and whatnot, and that has never bothered me.

So back to moving..since January, we have been in the best position to move, so I started looking for a place to live, but with the unknown health issues, I wanted to wait, and I felt like that was reasonable, but around April, we set a goal to move within three months, cancer free or not. So when I would show her listings, she would show zero interest. She was depressed, stressed, and wanted to worry about herself and do what she wanted. She was also stressed with medical expenses, so I was giving her 1k a month to help because she helped me when I was struggling. She said that work has changed her, stress has changed her, and her friends have changed her. She says I'm closed minded, she wants to smoke weed to deal with anxiety, I feel like weed is immature and there's other ways to deal with it.

So she told her mom and grandma on Mother's Day that we were splitting, and they were supportive of her, but I had nowhere to go. We lived in the space behind their house, so her mom kept asking her when I was leaving and that it was weird that I was still there, but yet, she would be perfectly fine around me. I haven't told my parents yet.. They would never forgive her. I've been at my aunts vacation home in Pismo Beach for the last three weeks, but I'm moving out with a coworker this weekend.

Shes not easy to be with, she's dramatic, selfish, and sometimes not very nice, but I selflessly love and care for her, and I'm not quite ready to turn my back on ten years and put the nail in the coffin. I'm having chest tightening anxiety and I'm not sleeping much. We're both mentally drained and frustrated.

Im leaving a lot out probably, so I'll fill in the blanks when you guys find them.. I just felt like with everything going on, she was being unreasonable..I called her unreasonable last night, and she flipped out.

 

She sounds like she's overwhelmed and stressed about other things in her life and she's trying to bury it with weed and alcohol. Which is a natural but dangerous and somewhat emotionally immature way of dealing...
You obviously don't want to see her spiral into the abyss so you try and steer her away from that...but rather than deal with how she's feeling and how she's not addressing it properly..it's easier to eliminate the most obvious stressor. That being you.

She will regret it...

In the end though, it's not about how tirelessly and unconditionally you can love HER...but how much of that is reciprocated for YOU. Take a look at yourself also Bryan (I?) and really figure out why you're a fixer and okay with being tolerant of being treated this way.

It's crazy but we're on separate coasts and totally different people but there are a LOT of similarities in what I just went through...

Hugs from Florida.

and PS...having gone through heartbreak a few times in my life...you already know this...but NOTHING lasts forever...not good, not bad...the next one, if there is one, will be better and badder and come with a whole new fun set of issues to work through!

 

oh yeah, and of course obvligaroty tl;dr!

 

She doesn't reciprocate much. And she's only smoked a few times, and she's never gotten super high, but it's irriating. One couple that we hang out, he has his weed card for his shoulder pain, so they gave her a weed pen.

Why do do I stick around and deal with it, I honestly don't know.

 

It's because you don't believe you deserve better deep down...
something to work on...

The not wanting her to get high af and drunk is partially because you want to know she's safe...but it's also a control thing because you disagree with it. If she wants that, I can tell you being a roadblock will only work for a while. My ex used some things mentioned to deal with her anxiety and life when I met her...it was always a point of contention because I work for a company that doesn't tolerate that and I also associate being drunk and high with dumbass high school and college experiences with friends. My way or the highway only works for a little while...maybe a decade in my case.

Focus on you, everything else will fall into place.

 

we also mostly inherently have a fear of being alone, and not being loved, or not finding something better...
but that thinking keeps us from being open to it and keeps us in situations we should walk away from.
Gotta raise the bar...set your next standards higher whether it be having more in common...being treated nicer...better communicator...better at compromising...
Looks are subjective and not a good bar to set although obviously the more you date super attractive girls, the most confident you are around them.
Then again, based on what I've seen, you have no troubles in that department.

I watched a bunch of videos by this guy on youtube...coach corey wayne...helpful...gave me a different perspective on being nice and sincere and the way
it can come across to a woman. Might have helped me more in my previous relationship and definitely will help in my future. A buddy and member on here turned
me onto it.

 

I'm not ready to move on as stupid as it sounds..I can't wrap my mind around being someone else. I'm pretty selfless..I've always been that way

 

wanna try guys!?!? call me, maybe?

 

:ghey:

 

you sound like a real catch!

 

Cut it off now. It will never get better.

Do yourself a favor and turn yourself into an independent man before you start looking for another relationship.

 

You like to catch?!

 

Is it weird if I kinda want pics?


OP, I will preface this by being upfront that I have never been with someone for 10 years (let alone 1/10th of that....I'm a bit of a revolving door to be honest). But it sounds to me like your relationship is at a crossroads. It seems to me that she doesn't value you nearly as much as you value her. If she is willing to break it off so easily, maybe it's best to just let go rather than try and drag it on and turn it into something it is not. IMHO no matter how hard you try and no matter how much effort you put in, it will still end with the same result because relationships are a two-way street. You BOTH need to put in the effort and it seems she is not mentally ready to do that at this time. You deserve way better than that and like rockstar was saying, it seems you know that already but you are scared because you can't imagine life after her.

So I recommend you do something (that mind sound silly) but literally get out a book or paper or whatever. Make a list of pros and cons. Do the pros outweigh the cons? If so, it might be worth saving, if not. You know your answer. She has obviously moved on, she doesn't care about you the way you care about her and that's obvious. You've ran your course. I get that you have spent 10 years with this person, but ultimately, you have so much life to live. Do you want to live another 10 years or more with someone who doesn't love you like you love them? Will it be weird and hard? Yes 100%. But only for the first little while, then you get over it because it was on your own terms. Then you meet someone else (like Rockstar did) who makes you think why the hell did you stay so long? It's funny, the media wants you to beleive only woman get trapped in relationships, it's not true obviously. Men do too. It's somewhat scary to think what's on the other side. But I promise there is something better. I bet your parents would flip shit if you told them the situation because they know how much you invested (picking up your whole life to go there) only to end up thrown out.

Now in her defence, health problems do change people. It's hard to be happy and in a good mood when you know your body is not doing well. It makes you snippy and angry and overall just different. I was sick for a long time starting 2 years ago (still getting over some hurdles) and it has made me value life more, but also a person who will explode at moments notice without even realizing it coming unfortunately. But regardless of that, I would not be treating my GF/wife...etc the way you are being treated. It sounds to me like you were a rock to her and she's now thrown you overboard.

 

 

Bitches be cray

 

She's not cheating or anything, and I believe her.. she's always been honest and upfront.. she says that when she gets like this, she just cuts everyone off and wants to be alone.

and I do admit, I'm far from perfect too.. And there are things that I could work on as a person, but mean, FFS

 

I always looked at it this way. You have to be comfortable with yourself before bringing someone else in. Cut off the communication, FB creepin, and what ever pulls you to her. Fix your issues first, get comfy being without someone else there. Do you for awhile. Slowly you will realize you don't need that nag in your ear, yes every once in a while you will wonder what she is up to but it should stay at that. Get back on your feet and then start again, even tho it sucks after investing so much time into someone.

In the end, wish the best to you brother!

 

Not weird at all

20170623_153709_zpsbtyxcjkk.jpg

 

Bryan, I think you already know the right answer but you probably need to go through it yourself.
Trust me, I know the feeling...also, you're venting right now so obviously the things you're pointing out are the negatives and I'm sure she also has a lot of positives that would make you want to stick around for 10 years.

Everyone is work, including ourselves. Kudos for sticking it out and trying to figure things out rather than throwing the baby out with the bath water.
Even in my current scenario where I'm extremely happy...I can tell you there have been bumps in the road and I've felt it's worth it to work through them and boy am I glad I did.
Ex didn't even give me a chance to make any changes and was unwilling to make ANY effort, which I find very unfair.

 

She has a ton of positives to her, and I would stick around..it's the reason why I'm not moving back to Fresno just yet..I can easily afford to live there, but that's not the case here, so I'd rather suffer and have full closure, than just cut it off completely

 

She can't take care of herself and dismisses your relationship at a whim. Run away, run far away. Don't make excuses for her behavior, and the fact that her family is not supportive of you is a big deal. Fuck that drama. I mean ffs.. She has a mass on her liver and she's drinking into oblivion. I know you love her, but don't get dragged in the mud by someone who isn't invested into you. Quit while you're ahead.

 

rockstar has the most solid advice here man.

I know it sucks. I've been there. my last ex before my wife treated me just about the same. but I didn't stick it out as long as you because I've learned from previous relationships that sometimes you just have to give these things a fixed amount of time when it's not working, count your losses and move on. 10 years is awfully long but don't let that hold you back.

Personally I don't see her changing back to her old self, and I think the relationship you've had with her has run its course.

 

Random thoughts in no particular order:

Although Brian put it rather frankly, he's right about cutting it off now I think. It is much better to get out of a situation like this before marriage or kids than after. There is a chance she will come back around, but it's unlikely. If the current situation is depressing to either of you, it's going to take a lot of work to rectify that, and even if you do, the damage could be lasting. That's shit that people who are married and have kids have to deal with if they want to keep a family together. One thing that can really help put things into perspective is to honestly answer the question: could we both be happy with other people? If the answer is "yes" and all you will lose is time (the companionship can be replaced), then you should seriously consider that as the best route.

She may be associating you with the issues that she feels are hurting her even if that's false. It may be that the only way for her to realize that is to separate yourself from her. Cutting it off doesn't have to be drastic. It's sounds like you are moving out which is an opportunity for her to realize if her associations are valid or not.

People define their maturity by their behavior, not the use of drugs. Both mature people and immature people drink and smoke pot, and there is little difference between the two on that front (along with many others).

 

As you all may know, my wife and I are splitting. What you don't know is that my ex girlfriend from years ago has now divorced her husband. And we've always stayed in touch and it wasn't ever a bad breakup. And she made known a few weeks ago that she always regretted us moving apart. Yeah...

 

 

Might be healthier to just be single for a while.

 

Realistically I've basically been single for two years.

 

That's how I felt too, Ken...
Everyone was like, you need time alone...you need to be single...my unhappily married guy friends wanted to live vicariously through me.
But alas, I met someone that made me not want any of those things.

A few girls from my past resurfaced when they heard I was single too...kinda makes you feel good.

Ian, I don't think anyone meant they were immature because of drugs or alcohol...just that it wasn't a good way of coping and the immaturity bleed into those activities. I, for one, do not drink now like I did in my 20's...so experience and age do play a factor in my opinion.

 

VODKA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "it's the tensioner!"
justn's maniacal laugh that echo'd throughout the restaurant "BWHAHHAHAH"

 

Sorry about your troubles homey.

 

Sorry you're going through this but I'll add my 2 cents here.

You need to lighten up on the weed. As long as she isn't waking and baking, and high 24/7, its not a terrible or even remotely immature thing to use cannabis to help with anxiety. It's WAY better than half the pills prescribed for the same thing.

But other than that, just based on everything you've posted...if you want a relationship thats reciprocal...move on.

 

For whatever it's worth, I've been with my wife for 13 years and married for 5 1/2. I think the "7 year itch" does happen because we went through a similar phase, but this doesn't sound anything like that.

My wife was very sick for over half of her pregnancies (hyperemesis). During her first pregnancy, she had awful gallstone attacks and had her gallbladder removed 5 months after giving birth. She felt like her body was failing her, her anxiety went through the roof, and it threw her into a deep depression. Getting out has taken a lot of really hard work, and the experiences changed her a lot. She isn't the person she was before pregnancy, and in a lot of ways we have grown apart. I think we both acknowledge that there are better people out there for each of us, people that can fulfill us emotionally better than we do for each other. But we have a family unit to keep intact, and since we do get along and do love each other, we try to keep the ship moving forward. We compromise a portion of our happiness for the kids.

This sounds a lot more like what you are going through. Like RDX mentioned, health issues can really shift with a person's outlook. If either of you have changed and grown apart because of it, it very well could be best to chalk up the past ten years as a great friendship and relationship and go find people who fulfill you as much as possible. Going through this before marriage and kids could be a blessing in disguise because there is just about no chance those things will make this situation better in the long run.

 

Well said. I agree with Joe that drinking heavily with a mass on her liver is irresponsible and immature behavior. But I think OP needs to separate all of the individual behaviors and appropriately determine what is really harmful. Minor use of MJ (1-2 times/day spaced apart) has been proven time and time again to be an effective therapy for many different ailments. Not all people respond the same either (), so you have to evaluate each case individually.

 

Keep fighting the good fight Ian. I've seen it both ways.. more often than not, it continues to be toxic until completely breaking apart. Usually the irreconcilable cases, the wife doesn't seek professional help to get through issues after pregnancy / ppd. It's really couples counseling to start some healing, then individual counseling. I really hope things get better and work out for you guys.

 

Yes, by David and Ian's standard...I'm MATURE!!!!!!!! yes!!!!!!!!!

 

but are you high right now?

 

Are you on that 99.999% TeeeHSeasss?!?!?

 

Justin actually tries hard to come across as not mature, but we all know mama-san wouldn't tolerate a 30 year old man-child living in her home.
His bro on the other hand...

Ian, thanks for sharing. Honestly, it always feels good to read about other's experiences and different perspectives.

 

I seen the pic before photobucket did whatever it did but forgot to reply. I'm not disappointed!

 

So you're 29 and been with her for 10 years? This sounds harsh but it sounds like you need a break and by break, I pretty much mean I would stay broken up. It's tough to leave a girl you think is the one but it is tougher to make it work when it isn't. You have both been together most of your dating lives, see what else is out there and focus on you.

Oh, pics and not of J.