So my (future) mother in-law is staying with us this week as we finalize our wedding.

Her and I get along just fine. On my end it is a lot of grin and bear it. She has a lot of habits and tendencies that I personally do not approve of and they multiply tenfold whenever she is here with us.

This may be long so I apologize in advance.

1. Sanitary habits. Like a lot of people as they age their bladder control is not what it used to be. She refuses to wear "poise" liners as she feels they are for "old" people. We just spent $1200 on our new sectional last December and as I sat down to watch tv I smelled urine.

Sometimes the dogs can mark eh whatever we have a handheld and an upright bissell for pet messes. Well my shorts and boxers were soaked. She essentially pissed all over my sofa. I was so grossed out I had to take a shower and tossed my shorts and boxers into the laundry with the quickness. She was sitting all over the couch and the dogs jump up and down on it, yuck. Been febreezing and placing sheets on our sofa ever since.

My wife and her went to buy some pads and did her laundry for her, but she smells like pee. Also my wife is reminding her to take showers, change clothes, etc. It's like we have a 62 year old daughter.

2. Eating habits. We don't drink soda in the house nor do we smoke (I have a few Caos lying around for special occasion). Her first day here, she refused to drink anything, but was complaining about how thirsty she is. We offered her crystal light, water, lemonade, milk, all have been refused. She's almost insisting we buy her soda. She broke the handle on my screen door getting to my porch so she can light up.

My wife is cooking the last two nights and I feel like even after working from 7am-6pm I'm compelled to want to help her prepare dinner. Instead her mom is asking when is it going to be ready while being beached on my sofa.

3. Overall lack of motivation. I don't run my house like it's boot camp. We have a set routine well the two dogs and I do. We're up by 0500, by 0530 they're on the road and we're running. Considering they sleep on the couch or their beds that's where my MIL sleeps as of right now (one bedroom). We get back, she's up. I said oh go with your daughter and take them out again at 7am (when she takes them out again before work) they'll have a lot of fun with more company. "No I'm just adjusting, going back to sleep."

My dad was a year older then her (63) when I was born. We're all type A personalities in my family so yeah she's the exact opposite. It's tough for me. Anyway, we've invited her to take evening strolls with us the last four nights, she says no. She leaves food out on plates and does not pick up the dishes (only one home) she uses so the dogs will lick the plates. Every time her and my wife (practically drags her out) get back from somewhere she gets on the couch and then falls asleep. My wife told me she has been waking up at 3pm when she gets home. Relieving herself on our sofa. She doesn't get up to even use the restroom. If we walk by at night she'll ask us to cover her even though the blanket is by her feet.

She said today, I can't wait until you guys buy your house so I don't have to walk up these stairs anymore. I told my wife to promise me she'll never let herself get to this point and I fear her mom won't make it to 70 since she can be healthy, but chooses not to. Her response to any type of encouragement regarding having the right diet or exercise is that "at least I'll die happy."

Am I a jerk? Is there something wrong with me? I'm just stating what has been going on. I almost want to toss my sofa, my house smells like urine, it's not healthy for my MIL, us or the dogs.

I feel bad, but I'm not sympathetic. Her daughter loves her with all of her heart and it's terrible that this woman is existing like this and does not want to better herself. I feel disrespected in my own home and a prisoner. When I try to unwind I now sit in my bedroom. I need this week to go by quickly. I don't know if I can handle another visit from her.

Please help and thanks for listening.

 

I feel bad for you.

 

Grin and bear it. It's all you can do short of a divorce.

I'd go nuts if my M-I-L moved in. Nice lady but I can only put up with her in small doses.

 

Buy a new sofa after she's gone. Seriously, there's no way you're going to be able to relax on that thing, now that you know she's peed all over it on a daily basis.

 

That sucks about your couch and the whole situation, but I was more shocked at your Dad being 63 when he had you. Anyways, I don't think you're being a jerk, if anything, your MIL is being the jerk for disrespecting you and your house. Hopefully when your wife is that age she won't end up like her.

 

wow bud...sounds like a rough situation for the time being. i mean, what are you supposed to do? some people just don't think the way you or i do. the sad part is, your MIL probably doesn't think she's doing anything wrong...which is scary.

you're not a jerk, you're a normal guy who unfortunately has to deal with this mess right now. good luck, stay strong, and it'll all be over soon.

 

Honestly it sounds to me like your MIL is depressed. I'm sorry that she's making such a mess of your home, though. It sounds to me that you need to stick to your guns about certain things, though. If you don't drink soda at your home, tell her she either needs to buy her own or find something else to drink.

As for the couch situation, can you contact the company and buy replacement cushions? Might be better/cheaper than replacing the entire piece.

Could you and your daughter have a serious sit down talk with MIL? She's sleeping all day, unmotivated, and has a general disregard for herself and her health and well-being. Sounds like classic depression to me. Good luck!

 

I would have thrown her ass out after peeing on my couch. My in-laws dont sleep at my house anymore...they get a hotel. My wifes father drives us both nuts...so after their last visit we told them please get a hotel. They were a little pissy at first...but understand because they are now in their late seventies/eighties and need their own space...even when visiting.

 

Yeah my dad had no lack of energy; WWII vet full of piss and vinegar. My mom was 27 and he was 63 when I was born. He was in the car business for 40 years after the war, so he made a few fortunes and lost it all more then a few times. Worked to support us into his late 70s. Before I left on my first deployment he picked me up and tossed me over his shoulder that was at (82). Those who have seen my pics in the member pics thread know I'm a pretty big guy...

That being said it is most definitely depression. At least that's what I think. I don't believe she's happy one bit. The divorce from my FIL fucked it all up. She's in a rut, but it doesn't give her the right to be Jabba the Hut. That's completely selfish. So when I have kids they won't know their Grandmother because I truly doubt she can make it to 70 not at this rate.

Just last night I walked by the living to get a glass of water and she told me I can turn off the TV now, she's done watching it. The remote was on the other end of the couch....

Regarding my beloved sectional (sorry my first piece other then my pillow top mattress that's not from IKEA lol), yeah I'll check about changing out the cushions would be much cheaper then a new sofa.

Thanks all!

 

Wow man, I'm sorry you have to go through this. I hope the week goes by quickly for you. That soda is the reason she can't hold her piss. Sodas, especially dark ones, run on the bladder. Shit my parents are that age and dont look or act a lick over 45. I hope she'll realize she needs help sooner rather than later. She could easily stop this down spiral. Lastly, as for the "At least I'll die happy" comment, noone who dies from lung cancer or any other health related disease dies happy. Its quite painful from what I've seen. Hopefully she'll realize her logic is skewed on that one.

I honestly don't know how I would handle that. Good luck.

 

I give you props for doing what you have done so far. But I think you can only do and take so much before you have to buckle and relieve the pressure.

She has to go.

 

Ira, she is ill. And this is disheartening as I think she is giving up on life. She needs hope and excitement in her life. And if such persists unfortunately she many need a 24/7 care by a professional.

Parents will turn into kids, I feel the same away with my folks. What are her living arrangements after marriage? She is only visiting?

I'm an OCD Jew, so I don't think I will be able to control my temper for longer than you are doing it right now, you are a good soul bro.

 

Only visiting. We need to move her here and place her in some type of care though. Independent living isn't a viable option. Problem is, at 27 and 25 we're not in the type of financial position to be able to do that.

Whenever we'd talk to her on the phone (she lives in Vegas) and ask her what she's eaten for lunch she'll say "popcorn." So I'm saddened and I love her to a distance.

There can't be a next time unless she wants to improve, but when we offer the help it's not accepted. What can I do?

 

How does your wife feel about this?

There is no way I would accept this type of behavior from my own mom, nevermind my mother in law. If this was happening, my wife and I would be having a serious conversation.

I can't stand people who are disrepectful, regardless of who the are. It's one thing if she is senile and cannot take care of herself, but she sounds capable, just not motivated to do so.

 

Definitely feel bad for you Ira, hopefully the week goes quickly, and you can move on with your life. I definitely would be upset about the bathroom/couch issue. That's just unhealthy and unsanitary. Hopefully you can get some new pillows or something. G'luck with the rest of the week and your wedding though

 

My wife doesn't dig it. When she was in college one of her first room mates had this bladder control issue. Whenever she'd get back from class she'd sniff it out.

None of the people they knew in their circle had the courage to bring it up and address it to her at the time.

So fast forward to the present and she's bringing it up to her mom constantly. Yes she's not "sick" (though I really believe she is depressed) she's just not motivated to improve her condition. Her mom told her this morning while I was picking up some cousins from the air port "you're being kind of rude about this. I can control my bladder." Well obviously she can't. We wouldn't be putting sheets and towels over the sofa if this was the case.

Thanks everyone I'm feeling a little better about this now that I'm able to vent and not just to my wife. She was upset that I posted this on AZ at first, but I feel like you guys are a part of my dysfunctional family that I never wanted so how could I not share this?

She did shower today so I didn't have to walk into a urine smell that I'm now hyper sensitive to. Good thing I have Huskies as the smell doesn't stick to their coat.

I'll let you all know how this "progresses."

 

In addition to sheets and towels, cover/encase the cushions in plastic or trash bags. Even better, if you can find an old comforter/buy a cheap one, you can cover/insulate the plastic wrapped cushions with the comforter, which can easily be thrown in the wash machine, then when there is an accident, the urine will not penetrate into the cushions. The comforter will wick it up and save you from reupholstering said cushions.

<Coming from a caregiver to a parent that has an Ileal Conduit.

Good Luck!

 

She's only 62 not 82 or 92....you need to remind her to take care of herself?!?!?

No disrespect....no joking....but something is wrong here or we are not getting the whole story.

edit....read the depression part, but this is severe depression IMHO....she needs meds.

 

Ira, I would feel the same way as you.

IF, and it's a big "if" you decide to have a sit down with MIL, it has to be you and your wife and you both have to be on the same page and in total accord with each other. Your wife (to be) sees this very differently than you (I know you know this). You may want to ask your MIL if she wants her future grand-kids to see her like this? That you and your wife are doing your prep to have kids, and MIL needs to do her "prep" to be a grandma. That might mean seeing a doc and seeing what kind of assisted living she qualifies for, starting setting a good example re: exercise, laziness, etc.

I don't think you have it in you to just kick her out, I know I wouldn't. Then again, I have a leather couch. Maybe I would.

 

You poor bastard. If you need a vacation bro, come kick it with us in Texas. You can hang out w/ my labrador all day, hes potty trained.

 

.....I when I read that......"prep".

 

LoL be careful for what you wish for!

Everyone else, this was discussed this morning when we were out with the dogs. I am now a off work for over a week. My wife agrees that casually talking to her about this will not work out. It's sad at 62 to watch a person exist like this especially a family member.

I feel a heart to heart is in order. I fear someone is on edge and may not be her

They're both out right now so I febreezed the fuck outta those sheets spent a quarter of a bottle on it. Wet wiped the four legged ones and I'm good for the moment.

 

What I meant was setting good habits, eating right, exercising, reading baby books, humping like bunnies, taking vitamins, making a nice home, quitting heroin, etc...

 

fixed.

Anyway, my own mother called to see how I was doing. Her being Filipino and all wanted Malia's (my wife) mom to stay with her. She said "oh you guys need some privacy before the wedding, have her bring her things and stay with me there is not enough room with the dogs and all of your wedding stuff."

I didn't want her to know about what's going on here so I politely declined and said "it's okay she's fine here she'll be getting a hotel Friday I think."

I hope I pray. Of course I'm on my bed posting this.

I've been counting those poise pads we bought. She's only used three in the last five days

 

Good lord, what a situation you're in.

First of all, props for you for not going off on her. I'm not sure that I could stay quiet. Someone staying with me who disrespects my personal belongings and questions my daily routines would drive me crazy. You're doing HER a favor by giving her a place to stay. No she doesn't have to abide by your every rule but she should have the decency to at least give a shit about what you say and what you suggest.

Depression is some serious shit, some close friends and family members have suffered from it, and it's nothing to joke around about. It's a terrible feeling knowing that you need to get out of bed in the morning and not being able to. At the same time, she's taking out her misfortunes on your family and that's not fair to you. There's no excuse for not taking care of personal hygiene, especially when staying with others. She needs to talk with someone, a therapist or something comparable, to talk about her problems. I tend to keep my emotions bottled up and talking to others, whether it be a professional or a friend/family member, helps a lot. She's not old enough to be acting like anything you've described. I would be embarrased if I were her, but like I said, depression really changes you.

Good luck with everything

 

Two things first: your patience and maturity in a very stressful situation is truly admirable, and you're not a jerk.

In the near term, I don't see that you have much choice but to stick it out. Small bit of advice: continuing to keep your cool and supporting your future wife are excellent moves. I know you're putting up with a lot, but you are putting goodwill in the bank that will be useful to have later. Extending kindness to your MIL in the face of all this will be HUGE with your future wife.

You MIL's health is not something you can fix. I have a very similar situation, just not as severe (yet). You can't help people who don't want help, and if they can't be declared incompetent so you can take over power of attorney, it is what it is. Best move here is to follow your wife's lead and support her.

The reason you may want some goodwill in the bank is this - if she comes to visit you again, talk to your wife about some ground rules. She wears Depends all the time, no exceptions. She smokes outside. She needs to respect your home or she can't stay - especially if you are buying a new one. The reason you'll need the goodwill is your wife will be the one that has to do most of the enforcing.

Last thought - another reason to be patient is you don't want this situation driving a wedge between you and your wife. And it can - very quickly. Even if you've been dealing with it as a "couple", the game changes a bit when you are husband and wife. The game will really change if you start a family.

I think you are doing good things, and remaining patient is probably the best thing you can do under the circumstance.

Best of luck to you, and I hope her mom is able to get some help.

 

LoL another thing I forgot to mention was that she lost her glasses, but has prescription sunglasses so she's watching TV with no light with her stunner shades on. Big ass bug eyed glasses.

At least I can laugh at that.

I have a feeling it's true that the situation on the ground will change once that civil marriage license is signed. Some rules to pin this down will be good. Just gotta keep moving forward. Until the weekend.

We just got home and there is a sandwich meat, WASHED lettuce, condiments, bread, cheese. We told her to make a sandwich because we won't be back until 8ish. She said oh I'm starving, good thing you guys are home. I ate a piece of cheese waiting for you guys to come back.

Mind you this was said in the dark with her sunglasses on lol..

 

Just a thought - if you run to WalMart there are matress protectors that you could probably lay on the couch. It's soft on one side and lined with a sort of plastic that stops liquid from absorbing. We have this on our kids' beds in case they pee. They're inexpensive and can be washed over and over. This may be a great solution for your couch to at least stop continued damage.

 

to you cause I don't have that kind of patience and control. I would be off the deep end over this.

 

x2

 

Agree...Grin and bear it, till next time (if there is one) send the in laws to a hotel

 

Not me...BOOT HER TO A HOTEL!

 

1. Don't bitch to your future wife.
2. Grin and bear it.
3. Buy plastic covers for your couch for future visits.
4. At least you know what to expect down the road.

 

Sorry to hear this but what is going to happen after you are married. Does not sound like you are off to a great start.

 

hopefully when you guys talk to her she'll want to leave b/c she's so mad that you are "accusing" her. Trust me, people turn shit around all the time and have no sense of reality.

 

Better nip it right now or you are fuxxored until she diies.


HOTEL.

 

 

stop enabling her.

jk man. i dont have much advice othert than putting her in a retirement community/getting her some psych help. she is very depressed

 

Hapa, how you holding up?

I know urine a tough spot, but hang in there...