SidS1045

It is NOT a joke. She gets away with this because you both allow it. IOW, no one takes advantage of you without your permission. I seriously doubt this is depression. She lives in a world of her own, her behavior is rude and uncivilized, and she apparently exists in a world of enablers. Worse, she's been getting away with this for so long that she sees nothing wrong with it.

You will not change her, but you also don't have to tolerate it in your house.

AZuser

TheChamp531

iTrader: (3)

Damn, I feel bad for you.

Tough situation. You don't want her to hate you either. I'd say, with your fiancee, talk to her and discuss your problems. I'm sure you will find a solution if you do so.

Street Spirit

I'm going to disagree with those who say your MIL is just being direspectful and inconsiderate. I think she's seriously ill. Any person of her YOUNG age (your 60's is not really that old) should not have such trouble with basic care and hygiene. Either she's mentally ill or her brain is deteriorating. I know seniors or people who are starting to lose mental function would behave like this without knowing any better, but a healthy, young(er) human being should not. A healthy, vibrant person of this age would find issue in urinating on herself, would take at least minimal steps to take care of her basic hygiene - like showering, and eating....basic, every day skills.

It sounds like she's lost drive to be presentable, to care for herself, and maintain her health. I'd have her evaluated, but I'd be sure to have your fiancee meet and speak with the doctor(s) prior to them speaking with your MIL. This will insure the doctors are hearing all of the facts and are getting accurate info, which your MIL might not be able to provide considering she doesn't see anything out of the ordinary with her self-care. Right now, she sounds totally unable to care for herself...IMO, that's beyond laziness and shows trouble.

gypsygirl

I know his words are harsh, but I have to agree with him to some extent. The urine problem aside, she is abusive and spoiled. She can and should pull up her own covers. She can and should use the remote on her own. She can and should fix her own sandwhich. Stop enabeling. You absolutly are NOT helping her. You are only making her worse. Show her how to use things in case she honestly doesn't know, and show her in your hand, not hers. Then hand whatever it is to her and allow her to repeat it on her own in front of you. Do this respectfully and with kind body language. The next time, gently remind her that she can do it on her own.

Yes she does need help. Medical help. Take her to a urologist and a family doctor. Allow these professionals to make the decisions about her psych needs.

If she needs the proper steps to doing regular things explained to her a couple times, ok. Do not do it FOR her! Set your bounderies for your home. Are you not king of your castle? Set the standard as a good leader. Good leaders teach people and people WANT to follow their lead. Straight talk should never involve yelling or temper. I'm proud of you at your age for keeping yours in check. I have no doubt that this has been hard.

If you guys intend to be caretakers, you will have to take some classes or something in order to work on seperation issues. You can't live her world. It's dark. She has to live in yours. Even if she ends up in your home, you must love her from a distance, if you know what I mean.

This should be a wonderful new beginning for the two of you. Make it so. Your wife will want a strong man to raise her children. She will need you to be that man. This is a great learning time for you. Your kids will require even more patience than this.

You have my respect. You are doing well.

Hapa DC5

Well Malia's mom is now in a hotel. I steam cleaned the cushions and pillows. Next up is washing the sheets and blankets.

We were at Temple yesterday for Friday night services and the whole congregation rose when we were called up to be blessed, even an elderly gentleman with a walker and a caretaker with him. Except one was sitting down wearing her prescription sunglasses at 8:30pm. We all know who...

Long story short I told Malia this will NOT happen again. I thought she'd be helping us with things, she did absolutely nothing. We agreed anytime her mom is to visit she's going to be in a hotel or I'm taking the dogs and staying at my mom's. I'm not going to live like that. We have her doctor's numbers in Vegas and will be making calls later next week. Seeing what can be done from a distance. My relationship with Malia is great sans the whole thing with her mom.

You guys are very right though she is enabled, however given the circumstances I had to bite my tongue.

Tomorrow I'm getting married so I'll try not to worry about this situation and enjoy the next chapter in my life.

stogie1020

MAZEL TOV!!!!


Seriously, I had no idea it was so soon!

Majofo

Ken1997TL

Yikes, well premature congratulations. I won't be on much tomorrow.

crazyasiantl

iTrader: (7)

sorry about the MIL being a royal pain

Congrats on getting married

Hapa DC5

Thanks all! Gnite!

WdnUlik2no

I was going to tell you to kick her out, but looks like you guys have already resolved the issue somewhat. I agree with the others; it sounds like your M-I-L has been spoiled all her life and she never had to do anything for herself. It is unacceptable for her to disrespect you or your house. I know you are in a tough spot, but to your wife for understanding your point of view; that is quite rare these days. There is no problem with you not being around when the M-I-L is, you deserve to be happy too and shouldn't have to put up with her crap.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

Congrats bro

madcaps

iTrader: (1)

1Louder

Be cautious with that. She has one of two problems - she's doing this on purpose to get attention, or she's mentally ill or suffering from some kind of condition.

If she's doing this on purpose, of her own free will, only then do you run the risk of enabling. That you deal with head on, like the hotel. But truthfully, I really doubt that's it. She's wetting herself intentionally, and she doesn't seem to care. She's not feeding herself. She's lost the will to do basic things. I'm no doctor, but to me these are serious signs. Inconsiderate people leave the toilet seat up or eat all your food. They don't pee on your couch and just sit in it. That's illness.

I think getting her checked out is the right move. One reason is for her of course, and the other is so your wife knows what may be waiting for her in the gene pool she inherited.

Congrats!!!

1killercls

Told ya so.

gypsygirl

Congrats!!!!! I hope it is going off without any hitches!!!!

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Congrats dude.

I can't imagine what the last week was like. I would have invented a business trip or something. Maybe cleaned the garage a couple dozen times.

My mom can be a PITA at time when she comes visit. My wife gets along with her really well but we do feel a bit happier when she leaves. All I can say is if and when this happens again try to grin and bear it. As tough as this is for you it is just as bad for your wife. It's not worth arguing over.

And get some of this shit for the pee problems.

Aman

Conrats Hapa!

Outlaw06

Hapa DC5

we're in Tahoe right now. Anyone takes a trip over here and have pets (even without them) 3 Peaks Resort and Beach Club on South Shore we're off peak right now but only paying $90 per night with a king pillow top, bose surround sound, jacuzzi tub, etc.

Hapa DC5

BTW thanks again everyone. Believe it or not you all made my hell week slightly more tolerable

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

CanopyFlyer

Congrats Hapa!

As others have said in this thread, you're dealing with someone who has a mental illness. Urinating and then just sitting in it is not something that a healthy person would do, no matter how much they were trying to get your attention. The big obstacle is getting your new bride to see it. Her mother needs to go to a professional, because her behavior can become toxic to your new marriage very quickly. It is amazing how much strife a third person can cause to married couple.

My MIL is an outright cliche. She has made no secret that she dislikes me. As a case in point, my in-laws were up for a visit over Christmas and it was snowing. My wife was at work so I informed my in-laws that I was going out to clear the driveway. My MIL snorted loudly and stated in an over loud voice; "you're going outside dressed like that!" I had yet to put on my outside work gear, which include snow bibs, insulated boots and the like. I just rolled my eyes, got dressed and did my work. The woman is not stupid, this was just another jibe at me that she has taken over the last 6 years. She has said far worse, such as that I'm just after their money and the like (they have none and my wife and I have already made plans for when we have to support them, which is inevitable since they can not handle money at all.) This woman has been so toxic to my family that my wife and I had to go to counseling. The breaking point came two years ago when she called up my wife and delivered a blistering diatribe aimed directly at me. She was as vicious as she could possibly be and it left my wife in tears. Particularly since my wife thought I'd react in kind. For me it was a moment of clarity. I informed my wife, very calmly, that this was the proverbial straw and that her mother has earned my indifference. The next time my in-laws came to visit I sat them down, with my wife there, and informed them that if anything like that happens again, they would no longer be grandparents. My wife and I would remove them from that role and they would no longer have visiting rights to their grand kids. I looked my MIL in the eyes and told her that her sister and brother-in-law (who are fantastic people) would fulfill the grandparent role. To stave off any talk about how we can't do that, I had the laws concerning the matter printed out and on the table. My last words in the conversation was; "It is your choice." I then escorted them out of the house and told them they could come back in the morning and their behavior would let me know what decision they made. I can't say it has been all roses since then, but our lives have become much better.

Hapa, confronting your MIL like I did mine would not lead to the same result. My MIL does have a few problems, being narcissistic is at the top of the list (the words of a Psychologist, not mine). That is secondary though as she is fully capable of taking care of herself and function normally day to day. Your MIL does not seem to be at that point and there is nothing you can do about it, short of getting her professional help. You need to get your wife to see the problem, because without her support things are going to get toxic more rapidly that you could possibly believe.

Good luck and congratulations!

CanopyFlyer