amisconception

You're correct. For me it is an absolute. I don't care what the reasoning is. If the ex must be contacted then I don't want to be in the picture. Deal with that residual nonsense before I'm in the picture or don't deal with it at all. Take it or leave it.

Yes. I don't care what the situation is. I'm not going to deal with another man who was once intimate with my S/O being in the picture. I've done it plenty of times in the past already and it's always been the same thing. No man wants to "share" - and that goes for the ex and his self-imposed entitlement to her attention - and her reciprocation. Sure, an ex MAY not be a big deal, or ONE encounter MAY not be a big deal. But to consider reaching out to an ex acceptable, or to embrace it as acceptable behavior, is another.

If you, or someone else, feels absolutely comfortable with your S/O's ex in the picture, by all means, enjoy yourself. I don't find it at all necessary to keep in contact with my ex's, and I expect the same level of commitment in return. You, and others on this board seem to be in a situation where it's absolutely necessary to keep in touch with your ex's. I don't.

And yes, there are the realities of the situation. The initial roadblocks to intimacy associated with new flings are already diminished if not completely nonexistent. It's just a reality, a fact, I'd rather not associate myself with - and in the dating game, I ONLY have control of what I choose to deal with and WHO I choose to be with. I would walk away.

dmikon

I think we differ on the definition of this 'contact' with the ex. I am talking about any sort of contact in general. If my girlfriend would be reaching out to her ex, trying to talk to him, sending him random texts, yes I would definitely mind. If she, for example, send him a text in December saying 'Merry Xmas', I don't think it's an issue.

So let me ask you this, your girlfriend is at your house, you're both sitting on the couch. She receives a text from one of her friends, opens her phone, and then gets up and goes to use the bathroom, leaving the phone in front of you. You look at the phone out of curiosity, and notice there's a text she sent to her ex, saying 'Happy Birthday Michael. Hope you have a good year'. You're telling me you're going to break up with her right there and then?

2001AudiS4

[QUOTE=darksom1]funny as shit though how people come in here, post, let us duke it out, then never come back and give clarity! Hahhahaha![/QUOTE

It's called worked. I only just got home about 20 minutes ago, shit first, a-zine second.

To CLARIFY I am not 100% sure what was in the text. She said she saw someone that looked like him and wanted to tell him. I saw a girl that looked a lot like an ex of mine while I was at a benefit dinner with her last week. I had to do a double take to make sure it wasn't her. I just kept my mouth shut, and didn't feel the need to text my ex. I can't imagine anyone having too. Either way, that's not really what upset me. What upset me was a) her being upset that he deleted her number b) her throwing it back at me and trying to place blame with me.

I do trust her and do not think she would cheat, and we have a healthy relationship, however, I still feel, as others have said, that there are boundaries that should not be crossed. She has several close male friends that she talks to and texts and in general keeps in contact with. I have no problem with that and never have, but an ex is a whole different thing and I feel whats in the past should be left in the past.

darksom1

[QUOTE=2001AudiS4]My bad playboy. Gotta make that money!

As for your post, I agree with you, as I have previously stated. Ex means past. End of story. I never attempt to contact an ex, but I will smash one if I am not involved with someone else, should the opportunity present itself (ie, her running into me in a mall and we had great sex before and she needs to be put on point again ), as I have also stated in other threads.

But if I am in a relationship - they are TABOO for me and her! Simply deal with that, or beat it, but there will be no compromise! That's a part of dating, finding out what you are willing to and can accept. Too much margin for error in hanging with the exes, and I be damned if I will be sitting at home worrying about what the fuck my lady and her ex are out doing on their platonic outing!

I've probably read some of the former "trusting souls" threads on this issue by now anyway. I'm sure of it.

amisconception

You must not be familiar with the ways in which women communicate. They're not typically overt communicators like men. In fact, many women, especially when they're vying for the attention of a man, won't make any overt indications of the sort. This gives her carte blanche. Women hate rejection more than men. So, given her covert tactics, she can wish a Merry Xmas to her ex, but implicitly solicit an invitation for intimacy. Women know what affect they can have on guys and thus can feel them out quite effectively. Most mature women are well aware of it and have been attracting male attention since they hit puberty. This method of communication is to a woman's benefit - it keeps her options open.

Other operative social conventions exist to reinforce this behavior - one being reflected in the OP's original post that "women are crazy" - Women aren't crazy, they just don't communicate the same way men do. When you look at the typical (i.e. general) behavior and attitudes of women through the prism of male behavior and attitudes, one typical assumption is to label women as crazy.

It gives women plausible deniability, or justification, for poor behavior. Certainly you can't blame her for her behavior, that's just how women are. Do you see where I'm going with this?

While you only look at it as innocent behavior, and it may be, I look at it as a potential solicitation and/or reciprocation of intimacy. Because I am the type of person that does not like to date women who keep in touch with ex's, because of the diminished or nonexistent roadblocks to intimacy, I simply don't give the benefit of the doubt on this. You could, however, give a girl the benefit of the doubt until the cows come home. But don't be surprised when you're raising a child that isn't yours.

It's important to have personal boundaries. And this is where mine lay.

First of all, I wouldn't look at her phone. I don't have the right to look. I believe in privacy. But assuming she texted him and I found out, yes. I would break up with her. I would have communicated by then that I don't find that behavior acceptable. I've dumped girls, and/or stopped talking to them all together, for less - on a whim.

There a million girls out there and I'm not going to settle for a girl that isn't what I want. I don't want a girl that has any sort of communication with any of her ex's.

Now, the OP can have different boundaries. But establishing those boundaries and communicating them is important, hence my initial thoughts about proposing a solution that enforces those boundaries. The problem is that this ISN'T a new relationship and establishing boundaries AFTER the fact is very difficult, at least in my experience.

Dr. Colorado

When i get into a new relationship, i delete the number of my ex a. because i think it's important to go into a new relationship with a clean slate, i.e. emotional and personal baggage ftl and b. because i like to believe that both myself and the new lady deserve 100% from each other and you can't give/receive all that with her "ex" or your "ex" lurking around. If you care about the current person you're dating and have committed and devoted your time and energy towards making your current relationship work, why would you do "something" stupid to sabotage that relationship with "someone" you already broke up with?

dmikon

According to what you said, it seems that you would be against your girlfriend having any communication with any other male that she could potentially be involved with. If your girlfriend has a male friend, how do you know that she is really only friends or if it is to keep her options open? What if her male friend is very attractive? Is her communication/friendship with that friend an invitation for more? At what point is contact with other men, of age/orientation/etc that she could be intimate with, acceptable? If she goes to lunch with a male friend, are you wondering if they'll go for some 'dessert' afterwards?

It seems your explanation of the female psyche applies to any female-to-male communication, not just ex's. If so, why would communication with other males be okay altogether? Why not apply your black and white boundaries there as well?

amisconception

The key difference between female-to-male friendships, as you put them, and ex-boyfriends is that there was a real intimate relationship with an ex. There was intimacy. Male/female friendships, even so, are typically limited. And I don't personally date women with many male friends, for various reasons.

Having said that, do you believe women are incapable of branch-swinging? Are you not familiar with the warning signs of someone cheating? I suppose you also don't believe it would ever be possible that you could be cheated on, or duped? I do, however, believe it is possible. This has nothing to do with trust. This is a fact. Does that mean that I'm a closed-off wall to women I like? No, but it certainly means that I only date women that live by my standards. I control the frame in my life.

So while you feel it is acceptable, I do not. We'll just agree to disagree and live our lives accordingly.

amisconception

P.S., I'll be happy to take your girlfriend out for a couple of drinks, you know, as friends. Just to chat.

amisconception

I agree with this.

I don't delete my ex's numbers though because I'm bad with remembering phone numbers - and if an Ex calls me, I want to know so I don't pick up.

Dr. Colorado

LOL! Yeah with cellphones and speed-dialing these days it's pointless to remember phone numbers if you don't have a landline. I had been dating one girl for over 2 months, she lost her cellphone, and couldn't call me to meet up later that evening because she couldn't remember my number lol. Technology is not always a good thing haha.

Dr. Colorado

Exactly! What separates an ex from any other male yahoo friends is he's been there and hit that. Being sexually intimate with someone creates a whole new layer of personal and emotional complexities. That's why some say a woman always remembers her "first" even if it was many years ago.

dmikon

Yes, of course. So is past intimacy a catalyst for a potential affair/cheating? I understand not being comfortable with the idea, because of the past intimacy. However, what I do not completely understand is having zero trust whatsoever in your girl to think that any and all contact with any and all ex's will lead to relations on the side.

No, I never said any of that. Women can cheat. I think it is possible that I can be cheated on no matter how much I trust my girl, and I never said otherwise. What I did say is that if there's no reason for me to suspect anything, I have enough trust in her to let her send a text message to an ex without it being a signal for sex, or a secondary option behind our relationship. Do I want the ex around? No. Do I want the ex to come to dinner and hang out? Hell no. Do I want my girlfriend to go around to lunches/whatever with her ex's? Of course not. Will I dump her as soon as she sends a text to an ex, out in the open? No, and I will not immediately suspect she's attempting to start some either.

All I am trying to say, in relation to the OP, is that I personally do not think it is unacceptable to have some contact with an ex. In my mind, it is not always unacceptable to do so. Basically, if my girlfriend, once in a while, without hiding from me, has a little convo with an ex, it's alright.

In any case, I think we just differ on this issue

TS_eXpeed

svtmike

My wife is in regular e-mail contact with one of her exes, and is good friends with another. I have no idea what goes back and forth in the e-mails and I really don't care. Both are married with families, and not once has it crossed my mind to even be remotely jealous of the contact.

She is equally OK with me wanting to catch up with exes of mine.

If I were to feel any other way about it, and try to limit her contact beyond what she knows should be the limit, well that would be being possessive bordering on creepy. And that is a huge red flag and turnoff for many women.

If she's not trustworthy, you'll find out in time. To draw a hard line in the sand that says even innocent interactions are forbidden reveals a lot about your own self-confidence and self-perception in a relationship.

wndrlst

Some of you lead some very black and white existences. In my experience, life has never been quite so simple.

I recently find myself having an "ex" with whom I spent 13 years of my life. 13 very formative, very eventful years. We've been through a lot together. He's part of my history. No one can compel me to throw that history away - it's part of what shaped the person I am today.

Consider also that I would never have spent so much time with him had he not been someone I can respect and who I value (yes, that's present tense) in my life. Suddenly, just because we've decided not to go forward as a team from here on out, I'm not allowed to have him in my life at all? Again, life is rarely so simple.

So far we've managed to keep things friendly, even if true friendship is a bit ambitious at this point. He can certainly expect a card, or probably a call, from me on his birthday. We called each other on Christmas. We touch base about important happenings in our families, and he's dog-sat for me on occasion. Hell, he even helped me out when my bathtub drain was clogged. He's a good person, and someone I count myself fortunate to have on my side.

I made the decision to leave. If the person I'm dating can't trust that I know my own mind/heart enough to stand by that decision, I probably shouldn't be investing much in him.

amisconception

That's your prerogative, and I wouldn't tell you to live otherwise. But I wouldn't get involved.

Not everyone is compatible.

TS_eXpeed

Very well put wndrlst!

Renegade

I'd have to agree with amisconception. In this day and age (especially younger girls), contact with an ex never leads to good things. I've been the ex contacted so called innocently, and let's just say it wasn't just to say hi. There are too many women to have to settle with one who contacts their ex all the time. Like amisconception said it is personal preference, but in my opinion most girls who haven't been friendly and contacting their ex for a long time without anything sexual going on, is not worth my commitment.

RMATIC09

amisconception...i agree with every damn word your saying...because its 100% true. I just broke up with my GF of 3 years a few weeks ago. On and off talking to her ex, admitted she was physical with him. (she told me everything). I picked her up on the rebound initially, she cheated on me after the first 2-3 months,(with the ex) i forgave her..justified it as her still trying to figure out what she wanted...he was her first true love..etc. Never expected it to happen again, she never let go and i really had no idea at all. ....i had no choice but to end it...

im heart broken, but this experience is a huge eye-opener...ex's are a huge deal in my opinion...she hid her tracks so well.....

Renegade

Oh they sure hide their tracks well. That is for sure. I'm surprised more here are not on the same page as you me and amisconception.

RMATIC09

I think they just have the curtains over their eyes . What has happened to me, and what im going through right now...is going to make it very hard for me to deal with trusting a girl again. I have very strict, tight morals and principles, and like amisconception is saying, there are millions of girls..why settle for one that i am not happy with, and thats not on the same page as me?

amisconception

Especially if you're considering a long-term relationship. Compatibility is critical.

wndrlst

I hear what you guys are saying, and I'm sorry that some of you have been screwed over. That sucks - no doubt.

I still think that what it boils down to is trust. If you don't trust the woman you're with...duh. Don't be with her.

Happily, the guy I'm seeing gets that I come with a past that occurred before we ever met. He trusts me, my judgement, and my innate sense of fair play. He also trusts that I care about him enough not to dick him around. This is a very good thing.

I've always made one thing very clear at the outset of a new relationship. If you want to be with me, then be with me. I don't share, nor do I expect you to share me. If you don't want to be with me, have the courtesy to leave. Don't break my trust.

Ultimately, that's what it boiled down to in my marriage. (Warning: extreme oversimplification...) I didn't want to be there anymore, so I left before it got to the point that either of us would do something unforgivable.

darksom1

Trust has nothing to do with whether or not something will occur. I would wager more cheaters cheat because you trust them. For example, you aren't wondering where they are with the ex because you trust them. It is ok if I go over the ex's house because you trust me. Get it?

So where do you draw the line on the trust issue, as far as how much and when not to? You can't really, because it is predicated on belief, and if fairly given, it is given beforehand. However, what you CAN DO, is draw the line on the boundaries or potential problem areas. Such as the exigent trust issue of the "ex". Barring exceptional circumstances such as you pointed out, it is not a good idea to hang out with the ex. That is a pandora's box! More often than not, one thing can lead to another. Sometimes, even when things don't, perception says it does! I mean come on people, if you took a poll of men and women, you seriously think more people would say it is ok if my husband/wife or gf/bf hangs out regularly with the ex? That is not being realistic or even an average assumption. We definiely can't extenuate hanging with the ex on the trust scale.

As I said before, man is fallible. So stay out of harm's way! I have been propositioned by my exes before! I also used to work on a computer for a co-worker and his wife (I build and sell them). He would leave me at the house with her because he trusted her and he trusted me. She grabbed my dick on more than one occassion. There is your trust. She could not have gotten him to allow me to be there alone with her, if he didn't trust her. It was her tool, just as much as his belief! Now, what if that had been an ex that used to bang the fuck out of her??? She wanted me and I was an unknown quantity!

Again, I am not saying not to trust. Just don't be stupid about it. Heed the warning signs. And on average - avoid the "ex"!! You never know what will happen.

gypsygirl

It certainly does seem that we can tell the older folks from the younger ones here.

I guess as we get older we really do learn that there isn't such a thing as black and white in life. EVERYTHING is a shade of gray. We also learn to pick our battles carefully and tend to find that maturity has done us the favor of being bothered by fewer things. I think that this is probably accurate for both women and men. We just don't sweat the small stuff as much. Unfortunately you younger guys will have to wait and grow to understand that it's not as much about trust as it is about honest communication.

I have good relationships with all my ex's. I don't hang out with them, but if I ran into them somewhere I would give them a hug and they would each reciprocate. I have no doubt about that. There just isn't time in my life for hate. Again, that's maturity talking.

I have one ex that I communicate with on a very regular basis. He is my ex husband. I've known him since I was a child. We were friends for many years before we got married. He is part of my life, and we have three children together. We are still raising our kids as a team. He has had the same girlfriend for a few years now. She and I get along very well. I made sure she felt welcome and comfortable in my family, and that she wasn't at all threatened by me. She is good to my kids. That's what counts to me. I text and call him when I need to, and he does the same. I go to his house when I need to and he comes to mine as well.

Our relationship ran it's course. It's over. We don't hang out regularly unless it's an event for our kids.

No problem. I don't think any of my latter partners would or should have a problem with this, and as we get older, most of us have ex's that we share kids with. We grow. We learn.

If you find that you can't get someone to fit that perfection that you desire, you keep looking. Eventually learning that no one is perfect. Including all of us.

Communication...boundries...and acceptance.

RMATIC09

^ i agree with everything you've said, but it's alot diff. in my opinion when you have an ex. that you have shared children with. It makes a huge difference because now communication is necessary for the benefit of the child. If you werent to have had children with him, his current GF may not be as cool with it, or she may be, who knows...and perhaps you wouldn't find it ncessary to still communicate with him...

sixsixfour

you can add me to that list.

they are called ex's for a reason. communication with them gives women something to think about. like an open door. sure i would trust a gf, but within reason. if you allow them contact with an ex, you give them an opening for them to cheat - especially in this day and age. as the saying goes, "if you give a mouse a cookie, its going to want a glass of milk".

temptation is always there, whether you trust women or not. putting temptation before a gf you trust puts you behind the 8-ball versus a scenario where no temptation is put before a gf that you equally trust.

JWhite1301

It is a text - WOW...... Ernie nailed it on the first page

And you are 32 years old..... seems like a conversation HS kids would have.

Someone else said it - if you do not trust her, leave now - if you trust her, it is a TEXT

darksom1

There will always be exceptions to the rule, but there is mostly a general rule of thumb. If you consort with exes on a regular basis, then you open up the gateway to cheating. It is an age-old, time withstanding practice.

Like I said, without adding anything else to it, ask people you know, or even don't know, the simple question of if they were involved with someone, would they want them spending an inordinate amount of time with their ex. Do not taint it with your view, just ask it. Do not argue the result or attempt to sway them.

I deal in the real world, not the exceptional, or perfect one that we would wish it was in our minds. I've seen it put into motion and therefore, I am aware of it's potential consequences in "realtime". Most of the people that wind up hoodwinked, bamboozled, and led astray deal in the "perfect" one where you are taught to trust everything and everybody UNTIL the wheels fall off the wagon. Well, I trust until they start "squeaking"...then I check them out...but I would never put an old wheel on my wagon that I've taken off for a new one, as I wouldn't trust it holding up or blending well with the new ones, not to mention I took it off for a reason and got a new one...you would do well to follow the practice and keep the exes off your new team!

darksom1

This conversation has evolved far past it being "just a text". Perhaps you should read all of the material then you would know that. Hell, if you just read the last 5 or 6 posts you would know that...

gypsygirl

I'd have to say that if I didn't have children with my ex, I'd have no reason to communicate with him. Not only that, but no real desire to. We would still see each other, because we hang in the same circle.

I was simply demonstrating that there is no one rule to this. I think I mentioned that I don't stay in touch with any of my other ex's. Not because I'm not ALLOWED to. That's bullshit. The reason I don't is because I choose not to. Not because I'm a woman and have no self control, as some of you seem to be insinuating, but because it's disrespectful. It has the potential to cause insecurity on the part of their new significant others. It also can cause doubt and fear on the part of mine. It's all about putting yourself in someone else's shoes and not causing damage everywhere we go.

For the record, I have had a number of ex's that wanted to continue a social relationship over the years. I have been the one to end communications.

Also for the record, those were men. I guess it's my calling to remind you not to put women in a box. You guy's are no different.

JWhite1301

Dipshit - I realize the conversation changed and I did read the post...... I was referring back to the original post that started the whole damn thing...... which I can do on a forum, last time I checked......

darksom1

Yes you may respond to the original post. I give you permission.

svtmike

Cheaters cheat because that's what they do. They will cheat whether you trust them or not.

GIBSON6594

People want to fuck eachother, sometimes they have to stop themselves.

/thread

eclipse23

Very well put and true. My ex was 9 years if anyone can relate to this it's me. I haven't seen my ex since we broke up but that's just me and my 'comfort level' with her. I've never gone in reverse, never re-dated anyone that I broke up with and I think that is because I don't believe in rekindling flames that I put out myself. My ex calls me every now and then or texts me some information about people we mutually know, etc. If I was dating someone who could not understand or trust me in respects to my ex the relationship would simply disintegrate over time. Luckily my g/f is cool w/ how I handle myself with her.

wndrlst

Same here. I wouldn't have ended a marriage lightly. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I put a lot of thought into big decisions before acting on them. When my mind is made up, though - get on board or get out of the way! The fact that I ended the relationship is all anyone needs to know if they have questions about whether I'd be receptive to further advances from him.

Obviously every situation is different. Perhaps there are people out there who can't be trusted to stay in contact with their exes. Again, I ask - why are you with these people? Whether it's because it's in their nature to be untrustworthy, or because they're not over the relationship and ready to fully commit to someone else; why put yourself through that heartache? Why be with someone who you can't trust or who doesn't want to be with you?

BEETROOT

Yup, I agree completely.

Most of you guys sound like pathetic, insecure, controlling douchebags. A girl talks to an ex and you flip out? Have a little confidence in yourself, damn.

darksom1

Scccrrrrrr!!!! (brakes)

Motherfucker please...STFU!! I could care less whether that was meant for me as part of that group or not, I feel compelled to answer for all douchebags! I'm their designated hitter! Hahaha!

Rest assured, if I fucked someone once upon a time, and they became my ex and YOUR girl...sshheeyyyiiitttt...your bitch-ass would be posting in here real soon about your girl ain't shit because I would make damn sure I got up in dem guts like a tight pair of drawers! Just to prove my point in this thread...AND, because I'm reaallll confident bro! Ya better read about me!

You may now return to your regularly scheduled program!