Aman

My guess is that when you go to bed after an entire day of dealing with 3 kids, you don't and don't want to feel sexy for your husband, you just want to go to bed. Maybe she doesn't have a lot of energy, maybe she just wants to sleep. That once a month is when she does have the energy to feel sexy and get it on with her husband.

I don't think we have enough information to say anything about their marriage, let alone accuse her of seeing someone else.

SwervinCL

I get laid once a month, maybe...

PortlandRL

I have had people tell me this and I've learned firsthand that it's true. The nicer you are to women, the less interested in you they are but be a gigantic ass and they come flocking like moths to a flame.

Can the women here explain this to me? I'm at a loss to decipher what sort of evolutionary purpose this might serve.

BigLizard

If anybody is complaining about not wanting sex in a relationship, there's a problem.

I could never fathom not wanting to make love to my wife at least once a day. But ya know, if she doesn't feel like it, I'm not going to throw a fit over it. Vice versa.

My mom is 49 and my dad is 61. They still do the dirty deed. My dad has a mild heart condition, had a triple bypass surgery, and has diabetes (about ready to lose some toes because they don't get any circulation). My mom has RSD from the waist down. Extremely painful. They still talk about how often they...*gets chills* And yes, my dad does take the blue pill for his libido.

I don't buy it when someone says that when you get old and broken you can't have sex any more. My parents, not so old, but it just goes to show you that having sex and being that age is still possible (WHILE BEING PARTLY BROKEN!)

JLatimer

So there is a bit of talk in here about flirting... What is flirting? I think I have it all wrong. I feel that copping a feel at a random and sometimes inappropriate moment is a form of flirting. Wifey disagrees...

Anachostic

I've been married 4 years; last 3 years I had sex less than once a month; last 20 months, no physical contact at all.

Those that haven't lived it, you cannot imagine the psychological toll it puts on a man to never be advanced on and be turned down for sex so many times. You feel unwanted. Your confidence is decimated - and we all agree that confidence is what attracts a partner, so it's a downward spiral.

The divorce will happen by the end of this year, but I feel I've wasted the best years of my life. It honestly and seriously makes me want to cry when I think about it.

I cannot wait to be free of this and get back to the way I was. I am so far removed from the person I used to be.

PortlandRL

Damn, dude...that's a real downer. I'm sorry you have had such a shitty relationship. Good luck turning things around.

gypsygirl

Damn Babe. Sorry to hear that. Divorce is very difficult, even when it's done without a lot of fighting. Unfortunitly it is sometimes the only way back to happiness.

Please just relax and take it slowly once you are on your own. It will all come back to you in a short time. Just let it come naturally. If you rush right out there and try to grab too much too soon, you may have to fall down a couple times before you find yourself. Going from married back to single can be kinda lonely at times, and a little scarey.

Before you know it, you'll be back to yourself and on your way. If you need any advice, I know a host of young, single, twenty-something-year olds, that can't keep a girlfriend that can help you out.

The scars from your sexual relationship may take a little while to overcome before you feel all-powerful again. My First husband had difficulties in the sex area and rather than seeking help with them, he chose to remove himself from sex. It, in large part, ruined our marriage. I felt that I was somehow unsuccessful in my efforts to help him maintain himself in an aroused state, and that my womanhood wasn't "enough". .... I got over it. That was many, many years ago. It's all good. You'll get over it too.

The best is yet to come, my friend. Just you wait and see.

1slo23

Its this way for me...I've always been taught to respect women and be "nice" but no matter what, they only seem to be attracted to the arrogant tools that treat them badly I know its not universally like this, but seeesh, still way too much of it

Souljah

It is what it is, still just be yourself and things will come.

I learned to not assume things, because accusations just ruined one of my last relationships.

1Louder

My theory is this happens for the same reasons people smoke, eat fatty foods, take drugs, or do the 100 other things in life that we know are bad and destructive, yet we do them anyway. In the case of women wanting men who treat them poorly, that screams of low self esteem, or maybe they just want to get some from bad boys. But they're not looking for anything other than a temporary fix, not unlike a drug. Along the same lines, I also think it's to cover up some kind of pain.

IMO, the woman worth having is the one who would send a guy packing if they treated her poorly.

teh CL

iTrader: (1)

the sad thing is that alot of the girls out there wont send them packing, they just deal with it..

Scottman111

That's all there is to it.




And Anachostic, I've seen posts from you in the past about your marriage and I'm glad something is happening now

Shalooby

I know it's hard to look on the bright side at a time like this. Really, I do. I've been there. Trust me though, the smile that you're going to have on your face and the feelings that go along with it are bigger than you can possibly imagine!

Remember that giddy feeling of getting someones phone number? The excitement and anticipation, butterflies in the stomach kind of stuff? Of thoughts of her popping into your head unexpectedly? The smile that just won't go away?

Remember all the firsts? The holding hands, sitting close, the kiss, etc? Guess what? It's all going to happen again!

I went through all of this and I gotta tell you, it's awesome. And it's probably going to happen a couple of times. You might, but chances are you won't find your next partner right away. You'll go on a few dates, you'll have some ups and downs, and some really, special times and memories that you'll never forget........

I didn't realize it myself until it started happening to me. And then it occurred to me that all that stuff that I got to do in high school, college and the dating scene was all going to happen again.

You're gonna like this. Really.

phee

iTrader: (5)

dont forget wondering why the hell it all happened. this is a huge fear for a lot of men and women dont get it. they always have the upper hand when it comes to sex and the minute we mention it we get the universal cop out guilt trip of "is that all you think about?"

makes me wanna say "yes, when i never get it"

Im pretty satisfied now though. but it happened in the past and it might happen again

phee

iTrader: (5)

x2 anachostic. women reach their sexual peak at 40. so start hunting up the food chain

Anachostic

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. My other fascination other than technology is psychology, so I am able to kind of look at myself from outside and I say the same things to myself - with conviction. Step one is getting out of a bad situation; step two is building a new good situation. You can't do them out of order.

phee

iTrader: (5)

How did it all start?

Anachostic

Sorry, I'm not willing to give gory details at this time. After the healing, I'm sure I'll chime in on threads with my experiences. As masochistic as it sounds and as cathartic as it has been, I've kept a private blog for just a few days over two years on the whole ordeal.

amisconception

I'm not a woman but I can explain to you "why" better than most women can. It takes brutal honesty, and a deep sense of self-reflection that a lot of women simply are not capable of. Stepping outside of the matrix and looking into a woman's sexuality through the prism of evolutionary psychology reveals a vast wasteland of cold, hard truths.

Women have conflicting sexual dichotomies. This conflict is partly to blame for a lot of the confusion on the subject of women. The two conflicting aspects of women's sexuality are in direct response to a woman's desire for superior genes (looks, physical strength, facial symmetry, square jaw, thick head of hair, etc.) and the need for a provider/resource provisioning. Mate selection for women is psycho-biological. It's this process of selecting a man that is both capable of ensuring the survival of her offspring from a saber-tooth tiger attack, that is as appealing to her as the investment banker is who earns 500k a year. Both attract her, but in different ways. This is not a binary argument, that is, there is a gray area, but for the purposes of pointing out why a woman both sleeps with an asshole then gets married to a nice guy, it's important we make the distinction.

For women, ideally her man would exemplify both characteristics. However, in practice, this becomes a challenge that she can't often communicate, at least not while simultaneously saving face. For women, reputation is everything. They're social animals, and without plausible deniability, they're simply not as capable of fluidly navigating the complex web of relationships that allow her the most rewarding experience.

So, to counter this subconscious dynamic, women develop social conventions that serve to reward their seemingly fickle behavior. I say "seemingly" because what's really going on is a cost/benefit calculus that's quickly trying to assess your value in relation to her social network of widely accepted psychological schemas.

Short term vs long term mating schedules then develop, to organize more efficiently the process for acquiring superior genes and the best provider, because as we all know, a woman's primary attraction mechanism (her looks), fade with age.

This takes me to your question - why does being an "ass" make men more attractive to women? Being an "ass" in and of itself isn't usually good enough. You can't be a disgusting pig, be an ass, and expect women to quickly flock to you - no. It aint that easy. What the term "ass" usually refers to is the displays of characteristics that reinforce, and cut through, the pyscho-social schemas that have developed over centuries. It fries her circuits, in other words.

Most men operate within the boundaries of this well-understood and heavily replayed game that women, yes women, have created and dominated for centuries. When a guy jumps out of that matrix, and starts toying with her hard-wired desires, she becomes fascinated and often times sexually charged.

Conversely, women can very quickly identify when guys are "nice" simply for the sake of being "nice". It's needy, time and time again, when a man is "nice" in hopes of acquiring sexual attention from a woman he desires. To her, it flashes a huge neon sign that says to stay away from you, because you're not a genuine warrior, out to hunt for the freshest meat. You're begging for scraps, hoping for a piece. Women promoting niceties as a method of seduction are either ugly and desperate, or actively engaging in the widespread use of a social convention meant to filter out the guys who "don't get it" from those who do.

SwervinCL

Same exact boat I am in without the divorce. I told my wife the other day that things need to change or it is gonna end. I just can not deal with it anymore.

She was complaining the other day that I do not spend enough time with her. Which is completely true. Why would I want to when every time I try and hug her or whatever, I get pushed away. Yeah, I love trying to show affection and getting rejected, that makes me so want to spend more time with you...

Right.

Izzy-Type-S

iTrader: (1)

I never imagined this many people complaining about no sex! Damn! ...& we wonder why escorts & strip clubs stay in business during the recession.

Anachostic

Sorry to hear. But I'll bet you're still there for her whenever she needs you. And she needs help on a pretty regular basis, I'm sure.

Happily-married couples say it's like they married their best friend. We can say the same thing. We're on our own wife's friend ladder. We provide all the support of a true friend, but they don't have any physical desire for us.

It's sad, indeed.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

That sucks guys. This makes me appreciate my wife even more though.

Ken1997TL

+1

Ken1997TL

If you don't mind my asking, does it seem enjoyable for her or is it just a chore to humor you?

1killercls

Like I said earlier in this thread. You get back what you put in...communication is key.
Simple.

phee

iTrader: (5)

not married but my gf used to do that sometimes. it kind of sucks. and when i approached her on it she didnt think anythign was wrong

phee

iTrader: (5)

not always true. there is always one party that puts more into a relationship than the other

Anachostic

In the context of this thread, I think the proper statement is: you get back what you put out. And therein lies the problem.

Marriage is all about trust and one of the things a guy trusts in is that he will be able to have his sexual needs fulfilled. There is no other aspect of life that a person has to give up so completely. If your marriage is low on money, you are certainly allowed to get another job. If your marriage is boring, you're allowed to make more friends for conversation. If your marriage has poor or no sex, well, you're not really allowed to get that anywhere else. Because of this (and it works both ways), one person can control the other simply by saying yes or no. The other person has no other option. And my wife specifically struck out any marriage vows that had the word or term "obey". Modern and current, yes, but also well thought out.

Will Y.

I think the problem is that one party is communicating and the other is not in this situation.
Or "you should get back what you put out."

And sorry to hear about your situation, BTW.

doopstr

If it gets to the point where she tells you that she wants just one more kid, get a vasectomy.

Once mine got her final kid, the sex dried up.

65 Fury Convert

+1

Wish it was as simple as you get back what you put in but it's not. Look at what SwervinCL said "every time I try and hug her or whatever, I get pushed away." He's giving and getting nothing back.

Mustangdude281

This is a sad state of affairs as I know all too well. I've been married for 17 years, to a woman who has not only ceased all sexual activity with me, but has let herself go physically. She hates herself, and in turn has made me a most miserable man. The only thing that keeps me in the relationship is our 9 year old daughter. Since she's been born, she has maintained the 65+ pounds she gained and has done absolutely nothing to lose it. Just last night, she scooped out a big bowl of ice cream and a large slice of cake and proceeded to devour the entire serving. I realize that we all have choices to make, and her choices are clear to me. Despite numerous attempts to be understanding and supportive, she still has done nothing to change her (and our) situation. We've had sex twice in the 9 years our daughter has been on the planet, and that was 8 years ago! We used to have sex all the time before our child was born. At this point in our lives, I do not desire sex with my wife at all. It is probably best that she is the way she is at this point because she is not sexy to me anymore, not even a little bit. I still love her, but I'd hate to reject her, as I cannot control my physiology as a man, meaning that she has to be sexy to me before we could have sex. First, allow me to circumvent the replies I'm sure I'll get like "do you know how much a woman has to do and what have you done to help out with your child so your wife isn't so tired when she gets home from a long day at work." Since we only have one child, and we both do our parts in all aspects of our lives, then I believe that there's no excuse for letting oneself go and cutting off a spouse from sex. You see, in a situation such as this, I wanted to make sure I did all I could before just leaving. I've come close to doing all I personally can short of counseling. That will be the last step before there's nothing left. To me, once a month would seem normal, hell, it would seem like everyday! Anyway, I hope your friend finds happiness and a sexual windfall of continuity in his life, cause I can tell you it only gets worse as the years go by.

1killercls

Yea...what would I know, only married 12 years.

nokiaman

Jesus. 2x in 9 yrs?! Honestly without knowing the details of your situation, it sounds like your wife is being lazy. Maybe she's going through some things she isn't telling you about, but again, communication is key. You need to find a subtle but clear way to let her know how you feel. Having been borderline obese in the past, I can assure you that she thinks about it and does not like the image she sees of herself.

I REALLY understand why you'd stay as for you two having a daughter but think also about your own happiness because situations like these end up affecting your professional environment, your own health among many other things down the line. Best of luck!

1Louder

Wow. Just wow. Amazing of you to stay in it for this long - your daughter is very lucky. I'm not an expert by any means, but this sounds like something much deeper than "maybe if you cleaned the house more". This sounds like a profound change in her body chemestry after having a child. I had a moment in my marriage where I had to address an issue that was along the lines of, "your behavior is damaging our marriage and our children - I want to still have a life with you but this thing is going to make it very difficult." I didn't threaten to leave (and I probably wouldn't have, at least not then). But it woke her up enough that she did get some help, and that particular issue got much better.

But if she's that deep into self-loathing, maybe the phychologist or a personal counselor is the place to start.

I truly wish you the best of luck.

SwervinCL

She seems to enjoy it.. Sometimes.. Other times I think it is just a chore.

NSXNEXT

iTrader: (2)

I have three kids and trust me, when you've finished feeding, bathing, helping with homework, reading stories, putting them back into bed 10 times, getting done all of the things you need to get done, sex is an afterthought. Most nights we're up till midnight doing stuff. By the time we get to bed, we're exhausted.

gypsygirl

Dang, Stang. You get the "My sex life sucks" award.

I have three kids that are almost grown. For the most part, I've raised them alone. It's tough sometimes and we all get tired. That's no excuse to blatently ignore our health, or the needs of our partners. No, I'm not talking about the gaining and not loosing the weight part. Sex is healthy. Physically and emotionally. It needs to be attended to as well as possible.

I gotta say, Stang, I truly believe that if you are crawling in your skin so much that you are monitoring your wifes junk food intake, you need to take a look at how comfortable the enviornment is for the child you say you are staying married for. It is VERY possible to be an active and involved parent that doesn't share the same house. There is something entirely unhealthy going on there, and don't fool yourself into believing your daughter doesn't know it. Get some counseling. Be a responsible parent that wants nothing more than to provide the very best enviornment for your child. She is your and our future. If all else has been tried and counseling is not an option (and there aren't medical issues like in Louder's marriage), get out. Find some peace in your life and begin to recover from this self-inflilcted torture. Maybe counseling on your own would be a good idea. It certainly can't hurt. Transition periods in life are very uncomfortable.

Healthy marriages are well rounded. That's all there is to it. If yours isn't, and your are unhappy.... do something about it. Don't just sit there. Investigate, take action.

Objects at rest, stay at rest.

It is very unfortunite that you are living unhappily. I'm so sorry for you. There is so much joy in life... go get some of it.