dallison

i think that's the key

kabota

I would recommend her reading "For Women Only" and him reading "For Men Only". Even though I am younger and not married it really helped me understand how women think and interact. Actually I read both books to see what it said about men. I agree with 90% of it. For anyone having issues with their SO's I would recommend it. It opens the doors to communication. It goes over a guys needs, and pressures.

jupitersolo

^^ Great suggestion, I saw that guy on TV about four weeks. The women in the audience was loving everything he was talking about.

Whiskers

I have lots of sex........with my self

Shalooby

Damn dude, I hope you find someone who thinks you're as great as you think you are. If that's at all possible.

TS_eXpeed

Fixed.
Sure, for some chick who is easy and just wants a quick fix...flowers or whatever else won't mean a whole lot. Same can't be said for those in a marriage. Nobody is going to deny that sex is fun. Chicks minds run completely different though. Doesn't take much to realize that. However, this means for them (unlike us guys), that they have to be in the right mindset.

Just about any dude could be pissed or tired as hell but still not be able to say 'no' to sex. Sex and affection go hand-in-hand for girls.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Let's be honest guys....We always want more sex. If we had sex 3 times a week, we would want it 6 times. It's just how most of us are wired.

Most couples see a drop in how often they have sex after they have married and have kids. If they split up over it, then someone is being a bit shallow. Before we were married the wife and I would have sex 2-3 times a day, now it's 2-3 times a week.

Will I like to go back to having sex 2-3 times a day....HELL YES. Will I trade my relationship for for sex....NOT A CHANCE.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Kids definitely reduce the frequency.

jupitersolo

But you are still having sex, the guy the OP mention, is having sex once a month. To say that someone is shallow because they would split up over it isn't fair. It was part of the relationship as they dated and even after the first kid, they have three.

gypsygirl

I think that the main reason that it sounds like you men are doing all the "work" around maintaining sex lives, is because the lovely, intelligent, witty and charming, but sometimes too polite Luv has been the only woman entering an opinion so far.

Hi Luv!!!! Back-up is here.

You all know that I'm a bit more blunt than she is, so here goes.

It's EASY to get our pussies wet. Bottom line... that gets you laid. If he can't get her intrest, I'd suggest he work on his oral sex skills. Work on it often and when he thinks he's got it right.... practice some more. An unused libido will sometimes continue to degenerate. That will keep the intrest high and all the plumbing in working order. We don't generally argue with that.

Yes, my dear Amis can be a bit of an asshole in his wording, but he's not entirely wrong. We know that sex is a huge part of manhood, or at least we should know if we're paying attention. Myself not included, men do tend to have a greater need for a good romping. We have all kinds of reasons that interfere for us. I'm not really shocked that NONE of you men have mentioned our lovely Endocrine system. Yes, we have horemones. They can be a real challenge. You have NO idea. This CAN be overcome.

Amis tends to like the notion of servatude, but that's not all together wrong either. The submissive role of a woman in sex doesn't mean "lack of control". More so, the submisssive is IN control. It is fun to tease and play. It's also fun to have a man show his power and be strong in bed. It heightens both genders. I do happen to think that maintaing a mans sexual fortitude is mandatory, I just don't think it has to be such a chore as Amis makes it sound. We don't have to be beaten into ecstasy, we can get there with just a nudge.

Hint: We like sex an awful lot too. We like it even more with long term lovers or husbands that know how to turn us on in seconds. Practice gentlemen. You will get what you want in droves.

Remember, and let this be your thought for the day. Men fall in love with their eyes. Women fall in love with their ears. Say sexy stuff. Whisper in our ears. Make it complimentary and HOT. Then we will kiss you from head to toe.

jupitersolo

You need to read the first post clearly. The wife of the man that the OP mention has said that if she never had sex again it would be fine with her. It doesn't matter about the one sidedness that a lot of responses, it takes both man and woman to have a relationship, everybody knows this.

1killercls

I have been married 12 years. if there is one thing I can tell you Amisconception has no bussiness giving advice on this subject.

Marriage is a complex commitment. There have been dry spells in our sex lives...but for the most part that was because of us not listening to each other for some reason or another.

If you communicate with your partner what you want, are willing to give the same in return to the fullest you will be fine.

The solution is communication...it is really quite simple.

Shalooby

Will Y.

It sounds like the wife may have lost interest in him, not necessarily the sex.
I'm surprised 40 other posts got in here before your post.
Pretty much sums it up.

Will Y.

My wife initiates sex as much as I do, but that's understandable since I'm such a hot stud.
She seems to enjoy sex more now than when we married 15 years ago, before the two kids.

I hope your theory (about the guys having to do all the work) is wrong in your case, when the time comes.

1StGenCL

You know, during college I would treat girls amazingly well, give them flowers, always compliment them, and would have hated amisconceptions advise and probably hate the guy himself (actually I remember reading and thinking he was a dick in the last year). Girls walked on me and everyones' advise was to be meaner to them and make sure they liked me way more then I liked them. This is when I realized that Amis sounds like an asshole but is completely right.

A girl broke up with me and told me I should be perfect for her but was just too nice. From that point forward I became a dick and wouldn't give any girl the time of day. Girls won't leave me alone and the meaner I was/am, the more they want me. I asked one girl why she was still sleeping with me because I had been such a dick and her answer was that I was being an ass but she could see herself falling in love with me and wanted to date me. WTF? Had to be a fluke right? Nope, the majority of girls seem to like to be treated like shit and need to feel their guy is wanted by other women.

I know marriage is different but you cannot completely advise against things Amis says. He sounds like a dick on paper but I bet the guy is right, women want him and would do anything for him. It sucks to think being an ass gets you ahead in life but time to wake up and realize it is true. If either of you two girls on here really thinks about it (and is honest about it) you probably fell for a douche. Did you marry him, prolly not. Why didn't you marry him, because he wouldn't officially call you his gf much less marry you. I would even venture to say you would risk destroying your marriage if that same douche came back into your life.

Edit - Why is sex edited out in the title of this thread? Last I checked, the word wasn't really that dirty

silkk8482

This is a good topic.

I have been married for nine years and wife told me she does not feel for sex anymore. I was shocked because I did alot of the stuff some you men and women said to do in the past. I have only had sex with my wife twice this year. I plan on getting a divorce next year and won't change my mind. I have asked her several time why she is acting like that and she has not even given me a straight answer.I honestly believe she has cheated on me when I first deployed to the middle east, but the only proof I have is phone numbers. That is when the sex decreased and that was back in 2005. I have tried everything to spice our marriage up but it only got worse. I have hung around this long and I honestly did it for the kids.

I am currently deployed in the middle east and I told myself that if we don't have sex the day before I leave I am going to end it. Well I left on Oct 1 and nothing happen the night before so I am through.

Only advice I can give anyone that is going through this is find out what the problem is before you end it. I waited four years to realize it was time to go.

1StGenCL

Wow Silkk, I am so sorry to hear that but glad you seem sure of your decision. I hate to say it but the combo of sex twice and being deployed immediately made me think cheating. I hope that isn't the case but it doesn't look good.

Best of luck

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

OK....I'll give you that. It's easier with 1 kid vs 3.

I guess it's time for OP's friend to take a kid free vacation and hopefully get things moving again.

silkk8482

This is my third deployment and I never cheated on my wife. I did watch alot of porn while being deployed, so I guess thats cheating.

1StGenCL

Oh, no no. I didn't mean YOU cheating, meant her. I feel most women expect the porn thing and don't really consider it cheating but I could be wrong there

Aman

My opinion might not be as valued here as most others, but I'll put in my

1) I agree 100% with what 1killercls said about communication. This is the key to ANY kind of relationship, whether it's marriage or a platonic casual friendship.

2) I think the reason that (from what I hear/see) women in a relationship tend to want to have sex less than men is because of the division of roles. Generally, the man goes to work and comes home, sometimes helps out a little bit, but not much in comparison to the wife's contribution. Usually the wife works, shuttles the kids around to wherever they need to be, does the grocery shopping, makes dinner every night, does laundry etc. I'm not saying this is the case, but it seems to be fairly common. Look at the amount of women in the grocery store in the middle of the day. Most of them are stay-at-home mothers, who have sacrificed their careers to put their family first. As it's been noted, after a normal day, wives are simply too tired to even bother to get excited.

I think if responsibilities were more evened out, maybe that would help with the sex life. If both the husband and wife work, and split the responsibilities around the house (laundry, dishes, shopping, anything kid-related), not only would the activity increase, but the marriage as a whole would be stronger and healthier. Again, this is only speaking generally, might not apply to OP's friend.

Shalooby

Nah sikk, I don't consider watching porn cheating. Hell I tell my gf that she can watch all the porn she wants, we both cruise the websites that I won't mention here. We talk about what we've seen and it's a great source of ideas.

In a way I'm glad to hear that you've made the decision you have about your marriage. It's hard to be happy about something like a marriage failing and that's not what I mean. I'm happy that you've decided to get out, too many people that should do not for one reason or another. One that I hate to hear is the "we're staying together for the kids" crap. That's one sure fire way to fuck up your kids, forcing them to live and be a part of a unhappy home is one of the worst things you can do.
It takes guts and courage to make such a life changing decision and unfortunately too many people don't have what it takes. It's easier to endure a bad situation than it is to venture out into the unknown. I applaud your courage.

Not too many find that "love at first sight" kind of thing and last for fifty - sixty years happily ever after. Some do, I wish I was one of them. But I'm not.
And while I still might not know exactly what I want with any certainty, I can absolutely tell you what I don't. So to say the marriage was a waste of time isn't true, you now know what you don't want and what doesn't work for you in a partner.

BigLizard

My relationship with my wife is great. Her and I have been having more sex after our daughter was born last March. It feels like we're in high school again.

Meh...anybody saying that there is no sex in their relationship but everything else is good makes me believe that their relationship has problems.

If a man says he doesn't want to screw his wife, he has issues...
If a woman says she doesn't want to screw his man...she's probably fucking somebody else...

^^^The above statement works both ways.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

No. Why is that cheating? If you stop having sex with your SO because you are wrapped up watching porn, or it's gay porn, then maybe you have a problem. Otherwise, I don't see an issue.

gypsygirl

Porn shouldn't be an issue, and communication is ALWAYS the key.

Jupi, I did read the OP. I'm not sure whether he know's for sure if she said "never have sex" with HIM, or "never have sex" would be fine. There's a huge difference.

Both can be fixed. Any woman that says she'd be happy to never have sex again has a hormonal problem or some other medical problem. Possibly even a psych/trauma issue. I would think a visit to the doctor would be the first step. She might want to go and investigate if approached properly. This would involve communication. Maybe he could go with her.

If she said that it is HIM that she no longer wants, then some counseling is in order if the relationship is to be saved. This would involve communication. If it's worth it and that important to him, he must make sure she knows that this is a deal breaker.

I'm not sure why you wouldn't believe a woman speaking on womens thoughts and feelings. Coaxing DOES work. I wasn't just being a smart-ass. Oral sex really IS the best quick way to arouse us. Of course a relationship takes more than that. Any moron should know that. We're talking sex. I'm just blunt. Even being the initiater and moving forwards with action rather than words involves communicaiton. Again, it is always the key.

As far as kids go, yes, it's more challenging. It's not impossible though. If the end of the day is too tireing, try morning..... take a lunch together once in a while...change things up. Flowers, etc... are nice. Backrubs both given and recieved are too, but this is about keeping things interesting and titillating. Of course it can't be that way every day. Chocolate cake every day makes one bored with chocolate cake. Improve skills. I'm not joking about that. ASK WHAT FEELS GOOD. Maybe she's shy about talking through it. Communicate.

She is the one with the problem in this scene. Not him. Therefore she is the one that needs help. It is up to him to give her that help. We need to see that she clearly has a problem.

Considering his needs are normal and not overly selfish, this should be a do or die for him....if he wants to keep his marriage happy. He is the one with the need....he takes the initiative. She is not likely to.

Yes, sexual desire is normal for women too. Some of us even do more than our share of initiating. We wax and wane some with the biology of our bodies and the aging process doesn't help for a few years. Stop blaming and help. If it's worth it to you guys, get in the ditch with us and dig until the problem is solved. Don't be babies. Speak up and say how important it is. It can be well worth your time. You may just be closer afterwards. If you don't have that kind of commitment in your heart.... move on. Go find someone else and allow her to do the same.

It should be fun, not a chore. Make it fun.

gypsygirl

Actually, Looby and I have said some of the same things. If I'm the one with the issue, I need to take action. If the first action doesn't work, try another. Keep trying, and listen to practical advice. I will not have anyone to blame but myself if all I do is complain. Communicating effectivly is ONE action. It comes before all the others, and should continue.

By the way, even a "successful" or "good" divorce requires loving communication.

LKLD

Honestly, these things can run in cycles. Kids, stress, depression, drugs, alcohol, sexual stagnation and a whole myriad of other things can contribute to less sex. It takes an effort on both parts to keep an active sex life going. Sometimes we feel as though we are going through a sexual routine because we don't have the time to put more into it. Children will play a major factor in this. A weekend at the beach or mountains can do wonders for reigniting a passion for one another. I've gone 5 weeks at a time w/o sex to having sex multiple times in a weekend. This all played out over time, as I will be celebrating my 20th this April.

Marriage isn't easy by any means, but you either dedicate yourself to it....or not.

p.diddy

iTrader: (3)

sounds like an excuse to me. no ones that busy that they cant have sex more than once a month.

couldnt agree more.

Aman

Just because you're not having sex, doesn't necessarily mean the relationship has problems. How do you explain all the people that want to "save themselves" for marriage?
Some people don't need it as much as others. There are much more important things than sex in a relationship. Sex is simply a physical aspect.

TS_eXpeed

Maybe for a certain couples who aren't married...
Or some old farts that have been married forever and their bones hurt just from writing checks for bills...

That is a different situation.
I get shit for it all the time (and I might get a little here), but I'm one of the few who still holds the 'save for marriage' philosophy. I don't need sex for any relationship I'm in before marriage. The main influencing factor is my religion. So be it.

However, the couple we're talking about here ARE married. Most couples who can 'hold out' till marriage I would venture to say are most likely doing it for the same reasons as me. Religion. It's not simply cause they say "Meh....I don't want to have sex". For a couple not to be having sex in marriage means there is a bigger/deeper problem. It could be a million and one things.

Communication, as has been mentioned before, is a huge aspect. Many times that's a big contributer to not only poor sex lives, but failed marriages. Maybe it's a bona-fide phycological problem with the wife. Maybe she's fuckin someone else. Maybe she's depressed.

However, I can tell you for sure it's not just cause the wife doesn't think she needs/wants it.

Unless your talkin about pay-by-minute-hookers, I'm gonna have to disagree with that one.
Sex is SO much more than a physical aspect. It's extremely emotional. And it's not because you just stuck your dick in a warm moist hole. Not to get all , but down to a physiological level, your body releases chemicals when you have sex that emotionally bond yourself with your S.O. That's another reason I refuse to have sex until I'm married. I don't want to have to deal with all the bullshit that goes along with a broken relationship into which you've given your everything, only to take or have it taken away. It's not worth it to me.

Sex isn't just about a happy feeling down where you scratch yourself. It's the ultimate expression of your love towards your significant other. It creates connection between the two of you that can't be achieved any other way.

So in hindsight, I'd agree to say yes, there is something wrong with their marriage. By not having sex, they're not creating that connection. And while I've never been married, I bet to say that in ANY marriage (not just this one), that no sex contributes to a deterioration of the love and passion that each once used to have.

1Louder

First and most important, never measure yourself against another couple and don't assume that what's going on with them will happen to you. I can't stress that enough. Every couple is different, and there could be any number of reasons behind what you are observing in your friend. I've been married 19 years and actually get less than your friend (however that's more or less due to her medical issues). I also know couples my age that have very healthy sex lives by anyones definition. But I can't measure myself against them. It's my wife and my marriage.

Hormones play a huge role, and some women can have a wide variety of things happen there that can affect sex drive. It could have to do with Gypsy's first post or Killers comment on communication. Kids can be a big factor. You can see the wide range of advice and explanations just in this thread.

Having a mutually satisfying sex life is the key, and it's up to each couple to define what "mutually satisfying" means, because everyone is different. So you start off by finding someone that is on the same page as you. What gets complicated is what happens if that changes, and why. However, each couple will handle this differently depending on the reasons for the change and strength of the marriage. And you just don't know until you get there.

If your friends wife's desire has shut down, they should definitely get to the bottom of it. It's easier to deal with if it's maybe more effort on his part (being more romantic, getting her away from the kids, etc.). A little more complicated if it's hormonal, but there's lots out there that can help. Also, I would advise your friend to NOT underestimate the impact being a mother of three small kids. In fact, I'd suggest he arrange a weekend away with just the two of them and see if his "old wife" doesn't return. If that works, then he knows what he's dealing with. If not, I'd start to suspect hormones.

However the key for them will be to communicate and find out, so they can get themselves back to a place of common understanding about their sex life. If this goes without any resolution, he's just going to build up resentment towards her that's going to blow up at some point.

gatrhumpy

iTrader: (1)

Maybe she wanted the three kids. Ever think of that?

Aman

Even if she wanted it, doesn't mean it's easy to keep all 3 kids and her husband fully satisfied.

Izzy-Type-S

iTrader: (1)

I do see how busier lives, stress, work & tiredness can lower the frequency of sex. However, my personal experience has been that you have to put in a little effort, make the first move, forget all the worries & responsibilities & go for it. Work into it with a back & neck rub, sweet n sexy communication throughout the day, etc. etc. Sex is a huge part of a relationship, some might give it more attention than others but regardless it should happen WAY more than once a month, even way more than once a week. She is either turned off with no interest, no communication nor desire to make it happen it seems like OR unfortunately, she could be getting it somewhere else or have another interest. How old are your friends? Relationships & life change, I'm sure they're not 19 banging at every waking moment but there should be a closer bond in different ways now & that should come out in sex often.

Mockenrue

As usual, Louder brings the good advice. There are a lot of young people here - and a lot of naive perspectives. This question depends on how you see marriage. In today's Hollywood idealism, most men and women are very selfish about marriage... *I* want to find the person that is MY perfect soulmate that will make ME happy in the ways that *I* want. As soon as your spouse doesn't live up to those expectations? Start those eyes wandering to the greener grass and start the whole process over.

I see marriage (and kids and lots of other things in life) as something that begins with what you give, not what you get. If you marry someone with this mentality too, you have a contract that will hold up even in the bad spells.

How does this relate to infrequent sex? First, as Louder said, every couple is different (and the guy/girl aren't always in alignment about what is enough). It also changes over the years - especially after kids. And as with most things in life, compromise is the best solution. Call me traditional, but I don't think that either side should withhold sex over long periods of time. Just like you make time for your kids' soccer games, you should make time for this too. Someone said earlier that sex is a lot more than just pleasure - it's intimacy and emotional closeness. Very true! Where the compromise part comes in is how often. I personally think you should end up closer to the side of the person that wants it less often, but don't let it lapse too long or your marriage will drift. Less often also makes each time a better experience.

The one big wildcard here is what he does during the in-between times (assuming the wife wants it less which is typical). This is a whole other topic that is a lot more complex than people realize. It can be at the root of many a sexual dysfunction. Cliff notes opinion: she should understand that he may need another outlet, but he should watch out that porn doesn't turn into a replacement for her or something that takes the magic out of the whole thing.

Izzy-Type-S

iTrader: (1)

Amen to that! Sounds very familiar!

95gt

Life isn't easy but if you want something and value something you do it. I think LUV was making it sound like the woman has so much going on that there is no way she would be able to want sex and why wouldn't a man understand that (at least from the first couple of posts) but that is crap. It not like he is coming home from a day at the beach. He is working too, he is tired too, he is helping withbut he still wants to be close to his wife.

Plenty of good advice has been thrown out already but I didn't agree with the whole kids are hard and he should understand thing.

Mockenrue

Correct... when it's working correctly, sex can be a good escape from your busy life and a stress relief too.

SeekDPR

i'm guessing if she's not interested in sex, that there is something else going on. it sounds like there are underlying issues that she isn't talking about or he hasn't shared with his buddies. Granted, i don't have kids, but it doesn't seem like a valid excuse to cutting sex out of your marriage. if anything, it should help sustain it while maintaining intimacy with the couple.