wmb0000

So this pass weekend I was out watching the games with a bunch of buddies, some are married with kids other still single and the sex and marriage talk came up.

John a single guy ask another guy Kevin, so how's your sex life since you been married for like 10 years. Kevin response shock me. He said his s*x life with his wife suck.

He's a nice guys helping anyone who ask him and his wife to me is also very nice. Anyone saw them you would say they are a very nice couple and would rarely see them fight.

He said sex is a very important thing to him but not so for his wife. He said he's lucky if he can do it once a month. He said what he even ask his wife what happen if we never have sex again .. she said she has no problem with that. He said beside the sex issue, she's the perfect wife. They have three kids and they both in their mid-30s. They both have their tube tide, so he does not understand it. They did like crazy before marriage and it just shrinking by the years.

So the question is why is the wife act like that and expect the guys not to stray and have a little on the side. Everything else is perfect except sex. Should the guy just man up and stick it out for the sake of their kids?

Your though?

I am on the fence so I really don't know what to think? I do not think his wife should hold out like that and things could turn ugly ...

LuvMyTSX

Like most people, she is probably exhausted from caring for a husband and 3 screaming kids. Do you know how much work kids are?

By the time she gets home from work, grocery shopping, and schlepping the kids from one activity to the next, then cooks dinner, cleans up, and puts the kids to bed, do you think she has any time or energy for sex, or even feels sexy herself? Probably not.

I don't have this problem (yet), but can totally sympathize.

Maybe he should help more with the house and kids so she has more time and energy for her husband.

wmb0000

She's a stay at home mom .. I been to his place and see he help out. When they out he also help out alot. Like I said he seem like a nice guy and he fix things around the houses, pretty handy guy to be a friend with ... lol .. he help me work on my car as well. I definitely feel bad for the guy.

crazie

hmm.. interesting..i gots to beat man!! If she dont care bout sex then she shouldnt care bout him being with someone else? idk that's iffy. tell him to get fleshlight lol

LuvMyTSX

Helps out with what exactly? Fixing stuff around the house doesn't count. There's a lot that goes on with the kids that saps all your time and energy, not to mention trying to keep the house clean. And being with them all day probably doesn't help much, either. I'm exhausted after a couple hours with kids, let a lone an entire day.

I agree that once a month isn't enough for them, but you have to realize that things cannot stay the same when you have 3 extra mouths to feed, bathe, babysit, and do homework and activities with. It's a new reality when you have kids.

juniorbean

iTrader: (5)

If he's thinking about leaving her b/c the frequency of sex has decreased then their marriage is doomed anyway and their marriage is not as perfect as you said...

wmb0000

Sorry I did not clarify, helping out like playing with the kids when ever he's home. Bathing cleaning the house. His place is a jungle of kids toys so he clean up almost daily he said else he would have no room to walk around the place.

Truth I guess having three kids does take it's told. I am not there yet so I do not know what is involve. But I guess if you like sex you will make time for it no? If I am not in this situation, I really do no how how I would react if my future wife would be ok if we never have sex again ,.. just a scary though to me.

wmb0000

Nah ... I think he just complains about the lack of sex in his marriage. He did not think of leaving her or at least he did not say it out loud. I do not see he would leave her. I think he will just take the sex whenever he can and be a good father I guess.

kingmoe892000

The main reason someone gets married is to have sex lol but if she loves him that much she would give him what he wants or he'll end up messin around and that could mess up the marrige!!

Shalooby

Sorry Luv but I'm going to completely disagree with you here. And not just because I'm a guy either so lets not go running there.

Sex is a huge part of a relationship. It's not just the "bumping and grinding" but there are so many more aspects to it. It's a connection between two people. There is a passion, closeness, intimacy, etc that can only be reached by sex. There's no way words can ever convey the same meaning that sex can.

And if you're exhausted after a long day? All the more reason to end that day with an orgasm or two, or three, or.....

For sex to be missing completely from a relationship is a sign that the beginning of the end has already begun. Especially if sex used to be a big part of it in the past. And "plus twenty" if it's one sided as in one person still wants it and the other doesn't. The problems that will arise as a result will destroy trust, and once that's gone the relationship is toast.

Shalooby

Sex is not a matter of just "giving someone what they want". You should both be equally into what's going on. May as well go find a whore if that's all it really means.

And just to be clear, sex is not always the Romeo and Juliet variety. Raw, no holds barred fucking definitely has it's place.

dom

Agree. To that point..

Most husbands just want sex... No romance, etc...so the tired wife rolls into bed at 11PM and the hubby rolls on top without much effort. Is it a surprise that she's not interested?

You have to sometimes put the effort into getting the wife into the mood. Some romance to show how much you care goes a long way.

Of course this doesn't have to be the case every time but it helps.

wmb0000

I definitely agreed with you here. I do hope they work out cuz they both seem like a really great couple.

amisconception

It's very common and beyond unacceptable. I would have hired a lawyer a long, long time ago.

Once a month, or hardly ever, is preposterous. If she can't be bothered to have sex with me, then I can't be bothered to see her face.

More men need to ditch their sexless marriages. Sex is critical to MOST men's happiness (you outlier weirdos stay out of it). To deny it to your HUSBAND is to deny your duty as a wife. You're not performing your duties as a wife, then it makes no sense to perform your duties as a husband. Time for divorce.

phee

iTrader: (5)

this thread makes me sad

JLatimer

I would have to disagree with Luv a bit too.

One thing that strikes a chord with me is the 'fixing stuff around the house doesn't count'. It does count - it would be just as easy for me to say 'bathing the kids doesn't count because it is fun' Wifey is exhausted and burnt after a long day - sure but so is hubby.

I am not a relationship expert, but wifey sounds like she has fallen out of 'love' I am talking about the kind of let loose and let your emotional attachment take over kind of love. And instead replaced it with the 'somebody I can rely on to help kind of love'. Sure she loves him, but just not like they did when they were doing it like bunnies. There is a healthy place in marriage for both kinds.

And too often that 'i dont feel sexy' card gets played. So what? Wifey hates her body so her husband has to too? So tell hubby 'I want to feel sexy' I am sure he can think of a million ways...

Honestly I see a lot of this in my own life so I am getting uncharacteristically personal with this. We try to talk it out - just haven't made progress. I have even tried to back off completely so I am not pressuring her - no progress.

bukxanger

I was gonna say, try to stay away for a while and she might come around... but sometimes it doesn't happen that way... to the OP.. why don't you tell your friend to be more romantic.. women like to be pampered and maybe getting her flowers or leave notes for her to find while he's at work may help... just some suggestions... i hope his relationship gets better

amisconception

The reason women do this, in marriage and in extended long term relationships, is because they feel they can.

The dual and conflicting components of women's sexual attraction reduces the man typically in a long-term relationship to a basic provider, and not much else. Sexual chemistry doesn't exist because the elements that require a woman to stay sexually attracted are not frankly communicated (for whatever reason).

I would recommend that guys having sexual trouble in their relationships, but want to stay in them, start doing things to make women realize that you won't take "no" for an answer. Start flirting with other girls, work out more, buy stylish clothes, stay at work later, hang out with your friends more, distance yourself, but maintain a level-headed aloofness that communicates that you're the man and you're going to be happy - with or without her. If she doesn't start to come around, I'm afraid she no longer wants to (again, for whatever reason), and I would rationally abandon hope of their being any sort of worthwhile recovery in this relationship. Why become a martyr when you don't have to? Why commit yourself to someone who obviously, if you step away from the situation, isn't committed to you and your important needs? Now, you must understand and accept the fact that these needs ARE important and that YOUR happiness is important. If you don't believe your happiness is important, you'll never take the necessary steps to remedy the situation.

LuvMyTSX

Oh, I didn't meant to imply at all that sex isn't important in a relationship. Of course it is. I was just saying that it's much harder for some to get into it when you have all the kid stuff going on. People need to understand that things change and it gets harder to stay intimate when you have such huge distractions 24-7, 365 days a week. Obviously, both parties need to make an effort to make things work and stay close. Things will deteriorate quickly once the closeness disappears.

wmb0000

This seem like great advice

Make him more desirable and hopefully his wife will notice

Ken1997TL

No issues here

But then, I don't have kids, just pets.

LuvMyTSX

I disagree with this. This is a very underhanded way of dealing with the issue. All that would do is create distrust and further distance a couple from each other. You can't be passive aggressive. I'd talk about it together, try to be understanding, and come to a solution together. Distrust and suspicion will only pull 2 people apart.

Ken1997TL

Yeah responding to passive-aggressiveness with the same thing is only going to end up being bad.

This is why I'd recommend people spend a few years together BEFORE getting married and screen out the personality flaws people have.

LuvMyTSX

Mind you, there's nothing wrong with keeping up your attractiveness/appearance, it's the "make the other person jealous" part that is the problem. You aren't going to solve anything by behaving that way. Quite the contrary.

amisconception

The situation is already ridiculous. She doesn't want to play (no pun intended), and is denying him something that EVERY wife should accommodate. He's obviously already talked to her about it, and is NOW being passive aggressive. What I'm suggesting is an attempt at arousing her via the same principles that give women a tingle in their vagina when first meeting a guy. That is, by becoming that attractive man that she wants, who's stylish, fit, attractive to other women, committed to his passion/work, and aloof and not needy. That will either spark the fire in her loins again, or she's a shrewd witch who not only won't be reasonable in a rational discussion to accomodate her husband's sexual needs, but is altogether not interested in the very notion of sex.

Because here's the thing, she's either not interested in sex period, or she's not interested in sex with him.

It's the man's duty to his wife to still be attractive, but given that, if rational discussion leads to nothing, he should not suffer quietly in an unhappy relationship/marriage.

Shalooby

I understand the kid thing, chores, dinner, laundry, work, and all the other stuff that goes along with maintaining a household. But what about entertainment? You build that into your schedules, right? Movies with the kids or dinners out? The Chuck E Cheese for pizza every now and then just for the hell of it and not because it's some kids birthday? Well, sex is entertainment too! And if it has to be planned then so be it. Don't give me that "but it should be spontaneous" crap either. While that's all well and good, and usually mind blowing when it happens, it's not necessary.
I've written in F*ck on the calendar before that we both share and it's just as good. When you're as busy as people with the above kind of schedules are, you have to MAKE time for the important things. And sex is pretty damn important as far as I'm concerned.

Remember this too. Mood Follows Action ...... Action Does Not Follow Mood! I feel pretty good after a productive day in the office, but if I didn't go to work until I until I "felt" like going, I'd never go. Same can be said for sex. Have you ever had that "well, I didn't feel like doing that, but I'm damn glad we did" experience? That "action" may sometimes require considerable effort, but you'll find the reward for that effort when you experience the way you feel as a result of it all.

amisconception

It's not jealousy, it's competition anxiety and social proof. Both of these principles are important in attracting women, and arousing her to the point of wanting to jump his bones.

Competition anxiety is a principle that states that she has to work for his attention/affection, and that there are other girls out there who find him attractive.

Social proof is another principle that states that other people, including women, validate her choice in him by confirming that he's in fact attractive and worth having.

Both of these are very powerful in initiating the spark that leads to having lots of sex with women, including the ones you're married to.

JLatimer

That makes complete sense... I never thought of putting it that way. Thanks.

dom

Well put.

Shalooby

If she's providing sex to him to simply "accommodate" him, then it's already over.

And am I the only one who thinks you come across like a self-centered asshole about this? Look at what you said! I'm going to make her want to have sex by making MYSELF beautiful. incredible..... You're looks may be what attracted her to you in the first place but I'll betcha theres a whole lot more that went into her decision to marry you. As much as you might like to think, you're "looks" aren't gonna get you anywhere with her now. Going all GQ on her will probably result in the opposite of what you hope happening.

How about telling her that SHE'S beautiful? That she makes you incredibly hot? That you have a passion for her? Buy her flowers! For no reason! They love that! Girls - listen here too. Tell her how happy you are to have her. Tell her that you're madly in love with her. Every Day! Smile at her! Do random stuff for no reason that you know will make her smile! Do these things and she'll be ripping your clothes off, and not "accommodating" you.

LuvMyTSX

^ Exactly.

Shalooby

You're not married, are you......

Are you going to tell your wife that she has to work for your attention? And that if she doesn't, there are plenty of other women that will? Let me know if you do, I wanna watch her reaction....

LuvMyTSX

jupitersolo

But you're saying that the man has to work for the woman attention, it can't be only one way.

Men want physical and women want emotional. If they can't both give each other wants. Sure romance a woman up make her feel special, but a woman has to just give it up and make a him feel good as well. Without either the marriage could be over. In some cases both see that sex isn't important once kids are involved.

wmb0000

thank you thank you .. I am writing all these notes down for future references


Anyway, is it me or it seem that the guys have to do all these so their wife would have sex with them? So if he would not do these then his sex life would really be next to nothing and both parties seem to be ok with that? I never hear of the women would do this in a marriage but always the men ... am i wrong?

LuvMyTSX

It has to be give and take on both sides. A one-sided marriage will never last. That's what a partnership is.

It isn't easy, and there are ups and downs. You have to work problems out together. Marriage vows are not to be taken lightly. Throw kids in the mix and it just gets harder. Sometimes you really have to work at it.

Shalooby

I was married for twelve years - l o n g - years to the wrong woman. Together we have two absolutely beautiful and incredibly smart kids. They are precious. But we weren't right for each other.

I would do these things and like jupiter says, it can't only be one way. It took me a long time to realize that. He's right.

I'm now in a relationship with a woman who blows me away with the things that she does for me. Random simple stuff too. She washed and folded all my laundry one day. That might not seem like anything earth shattering, but nobody ever did anything like that for me before. And she did it not because she had to, but because she wanted to do something that she knew I'd appreciate. And doing that made her feel good too. (there's the whole "mood follows action" thing right there if you missed it)

A relationship is literally a partnership. Each pulling their own weight. If you were in a rowboat and each had an oar and one was paddling a whole lot more than the other, all you'd do is wind up going in circles, never moving forward to discover new things. It takes equal amounts of effort to go anywhere with another person. Otherwise you may as well go alone.

doopstr

This is why porn was created.

amisconception

Nope. Jealous?

I've done it with girlfriends and girls that I've casually dated. It's something that doesn't really go away. But it doesn't have to be communicated overtly, she'll "get it" fairly quickly.

If she doesn't keep me happy, I bail. Simple as that. Wife, girlfriend, or booty call, it doesn't matter. This notion that you don't have to try once you're married is the reason a lot of marriages fail. Trying is not just taking care of the kids and paying the mortgage, either. And I realize it goes both ways, but women seem to take a man's need for sex out of the equation, which is obviously the source of a lot of resentment.

amisconception

Better to accommodate him than not. Assuming she wants him to be happy, of course.

No, I know I'm a self-centered asshole, and you know what, it nets results. I take pride in it.

You're certainly right, a hypothetical wife of mine not only would marry me because I'm attractive, in-shape, stylish and charming, but also because I have a good career, I'm smart, in demand, and most importantly - not boring.

It's not just looks. I don't want to get married period, but assuming I did, I know full-well it won't just be because I've deluded myself into believing a fairytale story based on crap fed to you by Disney. I know that for women, looks are not everything, but the rest is NOT hugs, kisses and teddy bears either. There's more to it than that and I've already touched upon some of it.

I don't date insecure women for very long. If a girl needs constant validation, she won't be able to keep me happy. I'll compliment her, sure, but it won't be watered down or fabricated just to "make" her happy.

Flowers do NOT make her pussy wet. This is about sex, not affection.

Maybe if she was fugly, and/or in desperate need of validation because she has low self-esteem, this would make sense. But a hot girl's looks are validated multiple times a day. Being charismatic, confident, and cocky is what makes her happy, even when she cries.