Whats up Guys,

Just need some advice, I've been seeing this girl for about 2 months and things generally seems okay. She tells me shes interested in something serious with us and how her friends/family thinks I'm great. The thing is she doesn't show any interest in any other way. She never calls unless she needs some or if I initiated the contact first. Getting physical with her like holding hands, arm around should etc are like painfully difficult because like the phone call she would never attempt to, I always end up doing all the work. This is getting frustrating, I spoke to her about it and got the "I still need more time" What you guys think?

 

If you're waiting for someone who can't control themselves while they are around you, the mad passionate, no inhibitions, I'm crazy when I'm around you kind of person, then you need to keep looking.

If it hasn't happened now, it probably won't.

 

+1


some people are just not that openly affectionate, nor are they going to be the first to call, or whatever.

What you described in this girl is pretty much me, It takes a lot of work to be in a relationship like that, some people don't seem to mind, but for some people it's too much. I suspect you are one of the latter.

 

This is what I was thinking, she is very independent and always seems on guard. Every time with her she seems uncomfortable at an imitate setting like shes worried something might happen. Did I miss something here? Am I in the dreaded 'Friend Zone'??

 

2 months and nothing more than holding hands and arm around her shoulder. Sounds to me like you are her friend.

 

 

You said it yourself. If you want a "general" type of relationship, then she's the girl. If you want a "I can't stop thinking about you, you're driving me crazy" type of relationship, I'll say it again. Keep looking.

 

F*ck I knew it, what a waste of time and effort...

But I hope like what TZAR said probably just takes a lot of work...I'll give it another shot tonight and we shall see..

 

Next time you have sex with her do her from behind. Pull her hair, slap her ass...and stick your cock in her ass with no lube. If she screams, just say" Well it is about time you showed some emotion".

 

I'm barely in 2nd base...lol

 

 

After 2 months?!?!?! ABORT!

 

Sorry, I misunderstood. I thought you were getting sex but she wasn't affectionate in general. The next, horribly obvious, question is: is she a virgin? Because if not, your just a buddy. If so, then why is she still a virgin? I would suspect some sort of trauma history in that case. If thats true that the odds of sex EVER being "normal" for her are low. Maybe she has an STD like someone else who posted here recently had an issue with. But just maybe she is a virgin because she is waiting for the "right" guy.

You need to ask what the deal is before you can make any sort of informed decision. If she wont say anything, assume the worst and just move on.

 

Massive thread failure.

 

The fact that she doesn't initiate the physical relationship is not too out there, but what does she do when you initiate it? Does she back off? Tell you to slow down/stop? Slap you and knee you in the groin?

And just because ever thread has to get racial - what ethnicity is she and was she born in another country?

 

Hmm... I don't think she's a virgin at her mid 20's. But anything I'm probably her BUD. I was way too nice in the beginning and fell into the friend zone deeply.

Funny thing is, now thinking about it. I totally missed the mark, I remember when we were saying good night after the 1st date she may have been waiting for me to make a move. You guys remember in 'Hitch' the girl fiddling with the keys...lol

 

LOL - that's absolutely genius.

 

No she does not back off, but its just doesn't feel natural for the most part.

Shes not born here and Asian. I hope this does not become another ethnicity thread lol. Why you ask though?

 

Oh shit.

 

It one of two things:
1. You are in the friend zone, but she hasn't told you yet
or
2. She might be used to the man doing everything and expects you to be the "aggressor"

And I asked about ethnicity to see if there might be some cultural reasons for the way she is acting.

 

Me too. And you know what? Cultural background has a very strong influence in a girl's behavior when it comes to dating. Back home (Philippines), dating is still very old-fashioned. A guy courts the girl by giving flowers, writing poetry or love letters (I know, I know... it's cheesy but works for a lot of girls), visiting her at her house so that the parents can also get to know him, etc. I actually know some guys who serenaded the girls to show how serious they are about their intentions. Because dating is serious, you can only go as far as holding hands or putting your arms around the girl.... for months! If the girl allows you to kiss her, it's most likely you'll be dating exclusively very soon.

In my case, I had to adjust to the culture when I moved here. I didn't expect American guys to treat me like the Filipinos back home so I had to be, um, more expressive. I told my husband about the dating rituals back home and he agreed that he there's no way he could have endured months of dating without even kissing.

So my question is, what is the girl's ethnicity? How long has she been living here? Are her parents very conservative and strict? Is she also conservative? And in your first post, you wrote that she said she wants something serious with you. But in a later post, you said she probably thinks of you as just a friend. Care to elaborate?

 

There isn't anything wrong with this girl. This is just her way. There is no uniform way for women to act, or for you to treat them.

Some people are slow to the "quick". Like others have alluded to, there may be some underlying insecurity issues. Or, she may just be old-fashioned. Whatever the reason, it is just her way.

If everything else is fine, then you are not wasting your time unless you want and/or need a girl on more of a fast-track. There are a lot of variables in deciding who to be with. She doesn't have to just meet yours, you have to meet hers as well. So just sit down, have a non-pressured conversation, and attempt to understand things from her perspective. I have found that this type of communication can be very enlightening. Sometimes there are things that happened before that make these types of people hesitant. They excel in one facet of a relationship, but come up short in others. Namely emotion and intimacy, as those things tend to involve them being more expressive than they are used to allowing themselves to be, especially in a more public setting.

Really, to me, the only thing that needs to be considered here, is what needs of yours are more of a priority. How does she measure up in other departments? Can you make it with her being the way she is? We are NOT supposed to come into someone else's life and try to change them, or get them to conform to our "proven method" of doing things. If this girl is a good girl, and doesn't cause a lot of grief, this is very important. But by all means, no matter how big or small, do not accept anything that rubs you too much the wrong way and causes bad chemistry. Even if the sex is the bomb or she makes a mean steak dinner!

Do it right the first time around, and don't bitch about it if you hook up with her despite it. You knew about it and accepted it. Goes both ways. Good luck man!

 

We'll I spend the whole night with her trying to understand what was going on btwn us. To why she was giving off these mix signals, and she gave a ton of reasons, to her personality, past relationships, to needing more time and the one that stuck out was how her mom does not approve of me and wants her to try other guys before anything ever gets serious. She explained how her parents are pressuring her to make the 'right decisions' and said don't waste time with just any guy who passes along. At that time I really didn't know what to say and felt like why bother with this sh*t anymore I'm tired of chasing a ghost. Funny thing is, I went ahead by letting her know how much I like her and all the other crap I shouldn't have said, but it was late in the night with questions and alcohol running in me. I pretty much left the night with my words to her 'Do whatever you have to do, but I can't be waiting for too long'. Whatever the truth is, I just think she's leading me on till something else comes in better.

 

Cultural backgrounds are a different story. They lead to headachs with family and friends. If there is adversity from the outset, I would just leave it alone. "West Side Story" love affairs generally don't work out! And no, I'm not dating myself! Hahahaha!

 

Leave it bro yours will come along

 

Off topic: how did you find about the AZine - Dating & Relationships section??

I'm just curious like an idiot kid.

 

If you're REALLY interested in her, read Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages". She might not be a touchy-feely person, and you are, and that's fine - you just need to learn how to show you care for the other person. Once she understands that you care for her - which she may not be getting through hand holding and whatnot - she will respond.

 

I would kill to be able to say that.

 

That's so random. My fiancee and I have to take pre-marital counceling to get married in this methodist church (requested by the pastor, not our idea although I'm always open to learning) and our therapist had us buy that book and read it. I'm about 1/3 of the way though and it truly is helpful. I think it's a great book and would be helpful for anyone; dating, engaged or married.

To the OP... I'd move on. I'm sure she's a great girl, but it sounds like whether it's timing or personality, she's just not a good match for you. There's nothing you can do to magically change her and soon it'll become more of a challenge, thus making it a game which never turns out good. Unless you are comfortable with her ability or inability to express emotion, it's better to find that person that can give you what you need or you'll forever be frustrated with her and things won't work out.

 

Turn of event: It seems like I'm the only one who is not getting any loving. Was over her place a found a box of condoms in her draw. I wonder whats shes using them for -=T

 

A cup of....

 

This sounds like the setup to me - she's not willing to fight for, or be in, this relationship and she's setting the stage for letting you down easy. "Sorry, I can't get over my parents objecting, nice to know you...".

Only you really know her, and know if she's worth the effort. To me, if I was really into a girl, I'd tell my parents to pound sand, and I certainly would not be playing the "oh I have a goofy personality that's why I'm distant" card. Those - again to me - are exit strategies.

There is one other scenario - she might have something truly tragic that has happened in her past that these other "issues" are covering for. I hate to say it but a rape victim might very well act this way - distant, guarded, take the physical stuff slowly. Maybe a past boyfriend beat her up - there's a lot that could be under the surface here. So back to my original comment - if this or something like it is the case, only you can decide to dive in and wrestle with it. If she's just a flake, I think you have better things to do than be the object of her manipulation - which is exactly what she's doing.

 

Ouch. Sorry. Time to bail.

 

What we all do. Balloon animals.

 

Oh snap! You got played!

 

I'm kind of playing devils advocate here....

I realize some are not that openly affectionate, but you don't have to be affectionate and still not have the 'openly' part about it, you know??? My past relationship was like that.

But when you are having to work to get her attention, she's obviously not good enough for you....

 

Fuck asking her a muffukin' thang!!! It's time to count your losses and roll out! But before you do...be true to the game and grab one of them bitches, bust it out the pack, strap up, and give the bitch something to remember you by! Don't go out no more of a sucker than you already have chief!!! Fuck you got to lose at this point?

Ya'll mofos kill me with that why, why, why shit! Stop asking and get you some ass like that last mofo who rolled out just before you got there mangggg!!!

Skeet, skeet playboy...skeet, skeet!!! I'm going to check out Boston vs LA! By halftime, hopefully you so far up in them guts that you need to start a thread on how to get the fuck out!!