2008 is off to a great start. After four and half years my girlfriend decided to call it quits with me.

It's hard to still comprehend. I don't want to change her mind about any of this. She feels unhappy and told me there is nothing I can do to change it since there is nothing wrong with what I have been doing in her opinion. In her words "it would be better if you were an asshole because this would be so much easier." She feels we are growing apart and she doesn't see herself marrying me now so she should break it off because she doesn't think she will change her feelings in the next 5 years. There is just a lack of passion on her end. She swears there is no one else nor is it anything I am doing. I cook (sometimes), I clean, I do laundry to keep the house in order. I have been spontaneous, brought her places, surprised her with gifts, flowers at her work, etc.

So, I conceded and did not object. It was cut and dry. She's moving out on the 19th and has already found a place. We remain friends and she's still in the apartment for the time being.

I feel confused as to why she feels this way if there isn't anything wrong with me? I feel betrayed since I let all my guards down and put everything I had in this for it all to fail. I am saddened by the events, but if it's meant to be we'll end up together again. For now, I'm just going to live life, anticipate change, adapt/embrace change, and hunker down to pull through this.

To add insult to injury I found out our apartment building is being converted to condos and my employer is eliminating my sector's job functions. So I'll be alone, homeless, and unemployed. C'est la vie.

I felt I should share this with my AZ family. Cliff notes is the second to last paragraph if anyone asks. I figure this may be all for the best and everything works out in the end. I would like to buy the current apartment I am occupying and would sell my TL or trade-down to do so. Also, maybe I can finally give it a shot and start dating some Jewish women since that's my religion and I want a Jewish family. Jdate is $40 a month which I do not want to spend, so when I do decide to date again it's going to be the old fashioned meet and greets (yeah I gotta keep the stereotype alive lol). I have a few potential jobs in which the supervisors already said I'm hired to fall back on and a hefty severance given to me by my employer once we do get let-go.

Thanks for reading.

 

Shit. Well I'll tell ya one thing: everything happens for a reason. Keep your head up bro.

 

 

Damn "Job", I mean Hapa! All at once huh?

Ok...

When it comes to love, it is a two way street. You must pay attention to oncoming traffic. If she adamantly feels the way she feels now, then she was dropping signs before and you just didn't see them or pay attention to them close enough. Women may not talk all the time about what's wrong, but I be damned if they don't communicate it on their sleeves! Maybe they were kinks that you thought your "love" would work out?

She probably stayed because, by all accounts given, you are a good man. Enough to take a chance on, especially if times may be rough and she is going thru some things and needs to know she has someone she can count on in the interim. Not saying she was using you (but maybe), just that she was more comfortable with you and wanted to give you a try, if not "us". But you don't, no offense, light the same spark in her that she lights in you. You do all those things you do because you are "in love" with her. Not just love her. She may love you, but she is not "in love" with you. Nothing wrong with that. It just takes some people a long tme to get to understanding and ACCEPTING the difference. So that is why you were in a relationship for so long probably. It is time to heal and come to terms with your loss. It is going to hurt because you love her, and only wouldn't if you didn't. But the last thing you want is for her to give it another try to stop the pain. Because that just forestalls the inevitable and risks the friendship that you at least have right now. Respect her space, and respect her position. If she feels like giving you the explanation that will grant closure, then go for it. If not, leave her be. In her own way she hurts, too. Unless she was cheating on you. Not saying she was - but don't eliminate maybe either.

Trying to pick up with someone else right now is a bad idea, as well. They will serve only to remind you of what you don't have, no matter how terrific they are, and they will be victimized by your eventual "I'm sorry, I can't do this" move. Take some time, get yourself together, breathe, realize what's up...then start over again fresh spiritually and mentally! The job thing seems to be something that will work itself out, so good. But time to find "you" again, when "us" is gone...

Good luck Hapa!

 

I was hoping VH1 or MTV will give me a reality dating show sooner or later. That way I get a place to live and a job...

In all seriousness, thanks for the advice guys. I have no immediate plans to date or even hook up (well wait, maybe hook up) with the ladies until I get over a lot of this.

 

You'll be fine, and probably won't end up alone, homeless or unemployed (unless you work at it really hard ).

You're young, condo conversions take forever (I lived in 2 different apartments in LA that had condo conversion permits from over 20 years ago- they are still apartment buildings) and your employment issues seem easy to resolve given your supervisors' support, if you actually get laid off rather than transferred internally.

On the other hand, enjoy and use your freedom-- you can go apartment/home shopping and start sending out resumes for new and interesting jobs now, and you won't need to explain yourself to anyone.

You'll be married with a kid and a mortgage in no time and look back at this period with nostalgia.

 

^He's got a point there man. Shit. Come to think of it, I need to start having more fun before those days come!

 

I've been in a similiar situation. I was 23 when my girlfriend of almost 4 years fell out of love. We were living together as well. Don't ever think there was anything you could've done to make things work. It's not your fault if you're not compatible. After time you will look back and be glad that it happened, because you grow stronger from it and have a better understanding of what you truly value in a girl (being Jewish is an example).

Being friends did not work for me, so I decided to exclude her completely from my life. I did the online dating thing and that is where I met my beautiful wife. It will take time for you to get over it, but most of us experience heartbreak at one point in our lives. I think I benefited from it more than I lost from it.

 

Well said, and I strongly agree with the last paragraph. Take some time to be alone and get your head screwed on straight. You've got a lot of changes in the air.

 

Life can turn upside down in a flash, but hang in there man. Perseverance is key. Just keep being a good guy and things will fall in place.

 

Very similar thing happened to me too man. 4 and half years, she just fell out of love and we grew apart. It happens, make sure you don't blame yourself and be glad it did happen when you were married or had kids. Be thankful it happened when it did. Just keep your head up. There lots of other girls out there and you will get through this. I tried to make things work and convince her to stay, but it just wasn't gonna happen. I've realized that cutting off contact was the best thing for me.

 

Better now than later, would have been a lot worse if you got married. You sound like you are taking it all very well. Things should turn around in your favor soon. Just stay strong and think positive. Have a few beers with the boys and go to a nudie bar. Enjoy your new found freedom.

 

Sounds like my old situation. IMO, its to early to date....take some time for yourself, esp after a 4 year.

Its only gets better from this point on. Lots of nudie bars, alcohol and friends really helped out my situation.

 

I was just in your situation about a year ago; only difference is my relationship was 3 yrs and you were 4.5 yrs. My ex said the exact same thing in bold. Everything is sorta back to normal now. Tough times ahead of you in the next few months, but the sun rises high after a stormy day my friend. You should head out to the meet when we have one.

 

When you say everything is sorta back to normal now. Are you back together with her or did you mean you just moved on?

I might make it out to a meet we shall see.

I already have a few buddies talking to me about hitting a strip club. It's on the agenda just not immediately heh...

 

Hapa, sorry to hear. I am in the exact same boat as you, only I was only 3 years and I was just about to ask her to marry me.

Exactly the same as me. I gave everything I had and then some, and now I barely have any friends left and I feel like I am alone. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I really think it's gonna take a long while to get over this.

Send me a PM when you get a chance.

-HQ

 

sorry to hear it man. you'll be alright. but I know its a shitty ass feeling

 

hapa,

you got some tough months ahead. especially during the winter, what a lame ass time for a breakup. just keep yourself busy and immersed in other interests (sports, hobbies) and before you know it you'll be back on the market and ballin. now is a good time to reestablish relationships that may have been on the backburner when you were living with your ex. your boys are always gonna be there for you and will keep you occupied when you're feeling down. we've all been there and the best advice i ever received was "time heals all wounds." keep your head up bro

 

Sucks dude.

Best advice I can give you, other than posting newds for Killer, is to try to limit contact with her. You need to focus on yourself a bit. The more time you spend with her, in the attempt to remain friends, the less likely you are to got over her.

Take to time to hang out with your friends, family....anything to keep busy. Take up a hobby. Anything is better than trying to figure out WTF happened.

Quick little story for you....I had a really bad break up when I was about your age. I went through a lot of asking myself what happened. Started to get really depressed. I finally told myself I needed to be a bit selfish and think about what is best for me. Took up playing pool. Met a ton of cool people out of it, including my wife.

The thing is, as bad as you see this situation now, it WILL get better. Just give it time.

Good luck.

 

^ yea man, the last girl I dated broke up with me in August and I'm not over her because I see her all the time (we had a class together last semester and this semester). When I see her talking to other guys its a killer.

Cut the ties.

 

At least she did it now, rather than after you were married, she just saved you half your stuff! Rejoice!!!!

 

Things will get better. Good luck.

 

Focus on yourself, being single in your mid 20's isn't exactly the worst position to be in. After my gf broke it off, I focused on work. I got myself the biggest raise in the company for my position and a nice bonus for all the hard work I put it. I have been hanging out with lots of friends and doing a lot of things I would have never really gotten to do if I was still with her. You are so young.

Think about it, even if you are single for the next 3 years, you will still only be 27. Have as much fun while you can and look at it in a positive light.

 

Ok, I'm the 4th person in this thread to have a breakup at 4.5 years, is there something about that amount of time I didn't know? Anyway, after my breakup we stayed apart for several months, no contact. Then one day, I was like fuckit ( I may have been drunk), and I sent her an e-mail just asking if she was happier since the breakup or not. She sent a reply that she was actually miserable since we broke up, so we started e-mailing back and forth, and talked about what the problems were, and we got back together. We have been back together for about 2 years now and things are good.

So, not to get your hopes up, but I would say, give her time to see how things are alone, and if you are still interested in a couple months, send an e-mail or something and see how she responds.

Oh, and if you are like me, and you tend to think about these things when drunk, keep in mind that drunk e-mail is 10^23456million > drunk phone calling.

 

A few years ago myself and my HS sweetheart broke up after 5 years. Seems to be a make it or break it point in dating. That being said we probably should have broke up after 3.5 years.

 

Drunk emailing? Haha, not something to comes to mind when I'm drunk. I have drunk dialed in the past.

The 19th is coming up quick and I'll have an official bachelor pad. Need to buy a new TV 37-42in any suggestions my budget is under $800? (that was her's) and a new computer (time for an upgrade).

It appears relationships prior to marriage are like the restaurant business. The first five years are either make it or break it.

 

A break-up doesn't have to mean there's something wrong with either person...it just means that the two of you together doesn't feel 'right' (in this case, to her).

 

Damn Hapa! I just sold my 32in practically new LCD! Oh well...go to Costco or Wal-Mart for one, they have them cheap like that!

 

Ahhh you suck bro. I would've swooped it off you. 32in is perfectly fine makes it easier to move, this place obviously won't be permanent unless I buy it.

This will be the longest week of my life, I just want it to go and go quickly. It will give me time to focus on myself. It's actually getting irritating with her around, she's becoming argumentative again (we've been very cordial last week or so) as if we're still together.

 

Yeah, I had it in the BM for almost a week I think, then someone took it. (Not from here though)

As for your ex, there will be periods of "we're ok", but there will soon be more periods of "glad this is over" by the both of you.

Look to get on each other's nerves as you both feel the "see, this is the type of shit that get's on my nerves" thing, followed by her "I can't wait to get out of here and get on with my life" and your inevitable "well bitch get the fuck out then" feeling!

 

Vizio.

 

Hapa, you'll know when the right one comes along. I know they all say that, but you will. My girl and I got married after about a year and a half. I dated other girls, but none were like this one. Glad to see you getting back on your feet. Keep us posted.

 

hapa, whatever you do don't get a plasma tv. my 42 inch sony went on the blink 6 months after the 2 year warranty expired. just a little vertical line on the left screen only visible on widescreen mode/hd mode. turns out the entire f-in screen motherboard or whatever needs to be replaced, sony doesn't even make the part but buys it 3rd party from nec, and i've been waiting 2 months sans 42 inch plasma. sucks watching my beloved dallas cowboys in standard definition on a 22 inch screen or needing binoculars when i'm sessioning my ps3 i can't complain however since they decided to cover the parts and labor for free as a favor. anyhow, definitely go lcd imo. sam's club ftw!

 

damn brother what a shitty way to a new year. To me it sounds like you were a great boyfriend. Sometimes people just grow apart. Its not that one person did anything wrong, but they just don't feel the same way about the other. I have been in a similar situation. It's going to be rough for the next few months, but time heals all wounds. Try to go out with friends, parents, pretty much anything to get out of the house and your mind off whats going on. It's not going to be easy at first but you will be ok. Just keep your head man. There are a million girls who would die to have someone like you. It will all work out in the end.

 

Meant, I move on. That was the only choice. She had another guy in mind. I'm single and chilling. Every dollar I make is for myself.

 

I got just that at Costco. http://www.vizio.com/products/detail.aspx?pid=18

32" LCD with a $40 Toshiba DVD player. Heheh I'm Jewish I like a bargain (even though I knew there are like $20 DVD players at Frys I said F-it I'm here) it also seemed like the best buy around if you count Costco's warranty and concierge service. I got a tad bit smaller TV than I first wanted, but saved $200 or so on my budget. I forgot about other expenses I'm going to need to incur, a microwave, a toaster oven, scale, vacuum, etc. It all adds up. Overall I'm happy though. I still need a new computer...

As for me personally, I'm doing good. Hitting the gym, talking with friends I have neglected or felt I couldn't make the time to talk with. She's still here until the 19th, but it's fine. I just do my own thing.

Once it's just me and the cat it will be time to take my revitalization into full swing. Goodnight everyone and thanks again for the well wishes. I will keep you all posted as events develop.

 

yeah im in the 4 yr club also... except i was a bit further into the relationship and engaged... and i got to say that it wasn't thr first time that she approached me with that issue... the first time she felt she was falling out of our relationship and cheated on me... i forgave her and gave her another chance... we did well with out relationship and even got engaged... then i had a career transition and she told me that it was happening again... she did not feel we were meant to be together and that she found someone that was much more interested in HER... so we parted ways and she wanted to stay as my friend at first but i cut off all connections...

but the other members have given you some great advise... being with someone for that long, you lose sight of "YOU" since it is usually you and her... so live it up man!!! after that happened to me i went skydiving and took a bunch of vacations.. it was great to have that freedom feeling back... it has been over a year and half since that has happened and i am with someone 10X's better and loving every minute of it...

i am a firm believer that things do happen for a reason... we are here for you...

 

^Kam...question: Did you seriously ever think you could forgive a woman that cheated on you, before that happened? A friend of mine and I were talking about that before and I just don't see me being able to do that. I mean, I definitely woud want to be forgiven, selfish of course, but I don't think I can deal with the "Ghost of I Fucked Your Old Lady"!! I bet that had to be tougher than leather huh man?

 

***UPDATE***

I'm mad and too sore to hit the gym. So she was supposed to move her stuff into her new studio by the 19th. I thought that was the agreement? Her stuff is still here and guess what? So is she.....

I wouldn't mind except this is something she wanted, she wanted to move, she wanted to break up, she even talked me into keeping her big ass tube TV and her buying my Vizio that is still unopened in the box since her TV was still here on the stand. I think I am too nice and my balls are in a vice.

Not to mention the weather in NorCal isn't the best for moving since it's hailing, snowing, pouring buckets of water, etc. I could ramble forever. I also forgot to get the power switched over to my name, but my heater is being blasted as we speak.

She needs to take a day off and move her shit. She's off on the weekends. It's getting old...

/rant.

 

Oh yeah! I thought I was going to get laid on Saturday night too. That didn't happen, this girl's psycho ex came by her pad when I was there. She was a booty call from way back I figured I would talk to her and luck would have it she was free Saturday night, I thought I was slick, but I turned around and put on a cape instead.

Long story short, phone was ringing like crazy, the dude ended up coming over, tried to kick the door down, we got into a scuffle, no tang for Hapa. UGH...