stogie1020

I am currently on day four of a five day FIL visit.

He is moving here to be closer to family (my wife and I) and it is VERY challenging.

He has made really bad decision his entire life, has massive entitlement issues, has trouble finding or keeping jobs, and lives off of government support, coupon scams, buying items at yard sales/flee markets and selling them (well trying to) on craiglist and ebay, etc...

He had a pretty serious medical scare 6 months or so ago and no family was nearby. It tore up my wife knowing he was (a) too ashamed to even tell family for a few days until he was forced to, and (b) that she needed to fly clear across the country to care for him, etc.

This visit is mainly to get him acquainted with the town and have him look at a bunch of apartments. All the apartments are a little more than he can afford and he understands that he will need to get and keep a job, but as optimistic, hopeful and supportive as I am for family members, I am worried about this one...

We are going to (happily) front a lot of the moving costs, apartment deposits, etc., but there will be no long term welfare from our bank account and my wife is on board with this. The guy has to swallow his pride, make an effort and succeed at some basic level.

Obviously it's a tough dance as my wife is too mired in the relationship to see a lot of things clearly, although, to her credit, she knows this and allows me to be the impartial voice of reason.

Step one was this visit to find him an apartment and show him what it will cost, places to live, etc. Step two is to sell his current, rundown house and hope he can just walk away without owing anything. Step three is to help him and coach him in finding gainful employment and then pray and pray he can keep the job for more than 6 months before telling his boss off and getting fired.

I think I may need to budget for additional tequila...

1killercls

Should be able to find him a trailer in Apache Junction pretty cheap...or all they all taken by Meth Labs? J/K


Good luck.

oo7spy

Good luck, indeed. I hear quite a few resemblances to my MIL.

If you ever need to take a long drive to clear your mind, I keep a bottle of good tequila in the freezer.

stogie1020

Thanks guys. The truth is, there is no finality to this, it will be an ongoing effort forever. An effort of love, but an effort nonetheless.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

Definitely a hard situation to deal with, I hope that he can get his head on straight and learn to fend for himself, but what you describe doesn't leave me too hopeful

Will Y.

I think the answer is to find him a comfortable widow with kids who aren't worried about an inheritance from their mom.

There are a lot of single senior ladies still interested in companionship, if your FIL is the companionable type.


And don't buy additional tequila or alcohol now-- it sounds like he'll get to it before you will.

stogie1020

lol, he is a non-drinker, and truthfully, I am not sure any woman would be willing to put up with him! My wife's mom was married to him for a long time but I am not sure he will be able to find someone (sane) to do that again... It would be an amazing thing for him though and I would wholeheartedly welcome it.

stogie1020

We joked about AJ! 'Twas a bit too far though. The whole point is to be able to keep him close and keep him connected. Plus, I think the chemicals used to make manufactured homes actually make you crazy, and he does not have much wiggle room to move in that department.

stogie1020

Well, FIL left for the airport this AM.

The visit went very well overall. Progress was made, and I really can't ask for more than that.

We all sat down to discuss "next step" type stuff and I had made an outline for my wife so she had notes and such. FIL can get very sidetracked and has a very hard time seeing big picture versus getting caught up in little picture issues. To both of our amazement, FIL asked for a copy of the outline so he had a "checklist" to go off of! Generally he groans and resists any organizational efforts or structure.

Most importantly, the wife has renewed hope that this long process can be successful.

Comfy

So far so good. I'd hate to be in your situation though. I can take everything but the "entitlement" part.

stogie1020

My understanding (and I am sure I don't have the full story) is that his parents had a very successful business but left it to his brother decades ago and FIL was basically ignored by brother from then on. FIL never got over it and still assumes people should do things for him, etc. He has extended that to the government, who he now expects to take care of him in every way. He has lost jobs because he should be able to tell a boss what to do, you know?

In his defense, for the last 20 years, he has had NO positive influences in his life. He has not sought them out, but he has none, and so the wife and I are excited to see what only a few days/weeks of effort have accomplished in getting him back on track.

It would be nice if everyone were motivated and self sufficient, but progress will happen, albeit slowly and in moderation.

F-C

Budget for risk = Probability of Risk * Cost of Risk

Based on your description, he has a low probability of keeping a job. Average 1BD apartment in Phoenix is $800. So 80%*($800/m * 12m)=$7,680/year you need to set aside for the risk that you need to support him, not including other living expenses.

Good luck.

1StGenCL

I hate to say it but Whiskers tried to save you and EVERYONE else (including me) from getting in this situation by saying no to engagement

That is a tough spot and I have to agree, budget for the worst. I know you are trying and it seems like you are making a difference but at his age, I'm guessing he is set in his ways and will fall back on them a time or two. I wish I could say I can relate but my FIL is loaded

Good luck man, could be worse, he could collect pet spiders.

stogie1020

Well, in terms of risk, his govt check will cover his housing and food. That would be pretty basic food though, and that would be IT...

He is going to need to work to make a <$200/mo car payment, insurance, health care, and utilities. Plus, whatever spending cash he wants for extras, saving, etc...

As I said, we are going to cover a lot of the transitional costs, deposits, moving, furniture, etc.

Majofo

Hang in there!

YeuEmMaiMai

law down the law, tell him that in no uncertain terms your wife comes first and that you are not going to support him. The absolute worst thing you can do is enable him to keep as he is. Personally in this case, I would not help him move here financially.

oo7spy

^I know it's a rare and tough concept to wrap your head around, but have you ever heard of this thing called "grace"?

Majofo

Nowhere in the definition of Jefford "Stogs" WhiskAckersons is the word Grace found. Unless it's describing the lack thereof.

oo7spy

I was talking to YueDumIAm.

Majofo

Sometimes a broken glass shouldn't be filled.

stogie1020

Are you serious?

You wouldn't help your family, no matter what?

The guy may not be the most motivated or sensible person, but he is my wife's father and I am willing to do what it takes to make sure she is happy, even if that means sacrificing a little of my happiness to ensure her father is in a good place.

Majofo

I'm sure after LoveMeLongTime tells FIL to fuck off, he'd ask that God be with him and pray for God's blessings over him and his family.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

stogie1020

Majofo

The big question is.. does he respect you?

Whiskers

Didnt we name a dog that?

Jakes_tl

I really like / appreciate your thinking. This is the way the whole world should operate. It's very sad that parents and Seniors often don't get the respect they deserve.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

Not a dog, wndr's baby

Whiskers

Awww, WhiskersjeffersonAsk

Majofo

Actually, it's the unofficial name of spy's kid.

Majofo

And official name of wndrbutt's spawn

oo7spy

Jefford Waffles Whiskerson, to be accurate.

stogie1020

You all suck. In the best possible way.

Doom878

Tough situation to be in. Good luck

1Louder

Stogie - I think your approach to this is awesome. I have a nearly identical situation, except we have to provide some monthly help or he'd be homeless. That aside, this kind of situation can place a big strain on you and your wife, but everything you've said here on how you are approaching it is fantastic. You're doing a lot of things we learned the hard way. My FIL is so difficult my wife has to see a counselor just to have the skills to deal with him.

One of the huge things we had to change - which it sounds like you are doing already - is to make sure we have very clear and established boundaries between our life and his life (he has massive control issues). We provide assistance, but that assistance comes on our terms and it is what it is. He's only allowed to visit when we say it's OK. He's only allowed to interact with us if it's polite and courteous. It took several years, but he's actually pretty good now.

Anyway, this is your story, so just wanted to congratulate you for making the hard choice and doing right by your family, even if it's difficult. Great you and your wife are on the same page too. You're in a hard spot, because on one hand you need to advocate for your wife's well-being and maintenance of appropriate boundaries with her father, but at the same time be compassionate and understanding that is IS her father. It's a hard balance sometimes. Wish you the best of luck, but it sounds like you're off to a great start.

stogie1020

Thanks Louder, goodto know someone else who has (is) dealt with a lot of these issues.

It sounds like your FIL has a lot of negative personality issues that impact the situation. That would make this really tough. In my case, he is a warm and big hearted guy who just has not applied himself and failed to understand how the world actually works versus how he thinks it should work. I like the guy, enjoy spending time with him and look forward to him being a bigger part of our family when he close. I just need to help him understand that the world owes him nothing and he has to work for the things he wants rather than bitch about not having them and try to cheat his way through things with short term thinking and poor decisions.

next challenge: he is employable but does not want to be an 'employee'.

1Louder

Great news he's at least good to be around and get along with. I know it's hard sometimes to offer someone like that assistance when there is a decent risk they'll squander the opportunity it provides them. Hopefully he'll use the opportunity wisely!

stogie1020

Well, good news!

Progress has been made.

The handyman fixed all the glaring issues with the house to be sold, the realtor took pictures and it should be on MLS today or Monday...

1Louder

Good to hear!

1StGenCL

Glad to hear man, good luck