my significant other said she's neglected and feels that i'm being selfish when it comes to the amount of time i put into my car. i have been more heavily into doing mods lately but it's nothing over the top such that i have no time for her. i definitely try and spend as much time as i can with her but it's become one hell of a juggling act. between work and grad school there isn't a whole hell of a lot of time left over for anything else. am i supposed to spend every second i have available with her? am i not to have a hobby? not really sure what to do.

i'm especially interested in hearing what the women of azine have to say but obviously all input is welcome and appreciated.

 

Dont neglect her too much.
I found out the hard way.

 

^that's just it though...i don't think i'm neglecting her. i mean i have to have a hobby of some sort...right? i need some time to do what i want to do.

u had a relationship fail because of neglect from time you spent on your car?...or just neglect in general?

 

I didnt think I was neglecting her.
But I've learned that you have to water your flowers or they'll die.

 

are we getting philosophical here...or did you literally kill her flowers

 

Tell her to grab a wrench and help! Then post pics of her changing oil.

Seriously though, if she's telling you it's too much than that's a big warning sign.

 

I don't think she's stopping your from having any hobby. She just wanted to let you know that she wants to spend more time with you since you are busy with work, grad school, and modding your car (which in her opinion must be 4th in priority after her ).

 

^yes, sadly that is what she thinks.

 

I have this problem with laptops.

 

for my significant other, it's more about the money than the actual time. We try hard to scrimp and save where we can in life (less eating out, less trips, etc) and try to make sound financial decisions with our investment and savings. Then I turn around and want to spend $1200 on an intercooler, $500 on a downpipe, $600 on an Access Port, $500 on fuel pump internals, etc, etc, etc

 

billz1109 I believe.

 

Unless I am missing something you have really only done two major things to your car lately that took up a total of 2 nights.

 

i know!! thats what i'm saying. i think she's just overly needy. however, she is also tying in all the time i spend on azine and online looking at mod related stuff.

 

I don't see a problem....

 

So what you're saying is Acurazine is taking up all your time and not your car.. that's easy, dump her.

 

Here's the problem - how you feel about the situation doesn't matter. If she's feeling neglected, that's it. You can't argue with it.

I'd submit to you this is not a quantity of time issue. It's how you are using the time you already spend with her.

In my marriage (and I've also read this in a number of places), I've learned that keeping a relationship healthy requires face time. It doesn't require all-day events, and it doesn't mean in front of the TV, or just casually being in the same place. It means some amount of time where she is your only focus. This doesn't take a lot of time. 15-20 minutes can do it.

So try this - whenever you see her, take 15-20 minutes and just talk to her. No distractions, no TV, no iPod, no car talk, no internet... just you and her. Actually, spend more time listening. Hear about her day, what's going on, let her tell you some stories. If she talks about problems, just listen to them. Don't solve them. Give her some time to be heard. I guarantee you if you make that small investment, this "neglect" talk will disappear and you won't have to give up your hobby at all.

 

My ex used to try and say stuff about how much money i was dumping in my car, only problem was, it was my money, and all my bills were paid so she couldn't really say anything. Sounds to me, like she just wants more attention

 

Great advice from 1L as always, and if you're chilling with her, stay off the car forums and AZ, save that for your own time

 

1L hit the nail on the head!! I think you should take into account what some others have said, as well.

I also think that if you're serious about this girl (and it sounds like you are), she should be more important than your car. Maybe you could suggest that she does other things while you're working on your car and then you meet up later? Ask her if she wants to get her nails and toes done and meet you for dinner later.

I'm actually against asking her to get involved. I'm all about having independent activities and if cars were her "thing" she would already be helping you.

I definitely think you should reevaluate the time you already spend with her. My favorite part of every weekend is when my husband and I take our chairs out on the porch, watch the kids play, and TALK! No TV, no laptop, no cell phones. Just a beer/wine and us. Good luck Sweetie!

 

your advice does not fall on def ears...i assure you. thank you both for the good advice and putting things into perspective for me.

i've always been a very selfish person, and if i'm being honest, a rather cold individual so i'm likely falling back into that trap as time progresses and i become more 'comfortable' in our relationship. i'll also say that i kind of have the 'i'll do what i want, when i want' attitude but i've been working on that.

thanks again

 

to what Jayne said, definitely good to have your seperate hobbies, I always worked on my car when my ex was at work because she worked nights. Or she would go out with friends or something and I would have a guy's night working on the car. Just make sure that she has other things to do like Jayne said, asking her to get dirty and turn wrenches will not end well

 

Buy his and hers vespas and start listening to THE JAM together.

 

 

 

Take this from me, 30 minutes of you/her time per day will go a long way.

+1 to what 1L said.

 

There's really only one word that comes to mind which is compromise. Relationships need that to survive. And honestly, it's just a car...not as unique as a person.

And yes, I've been there as well.

That being said my wife and I don't spend a whole lot of time together with her working day hours and me on 2nd shift. That's a little different though. lol

 

To quote (roughly) billz1109


to quote (also roughly) svtmike in response to the above





You get my point. Kinda?

You don't need to get her too involved.... some girls may be open to helping out though. Not exactly a suggestion, but she might not mind spending time with you by putting on a pair of gloves and handing you tools and just keeping you company.

 

Google "The MOD MOVEMENT"

 

Billy, what a great time that was

 

At first my girlfriend loved how I did stuff to my car. She would buy stuff for it and supported everything I did. Now she's sick of it and wish I didn't blow all of my money on it.

BUT she realizes that doing stuff to my car makes me happy, just like her blowing money on stupid ugly UGG boots and purses with hideous Cs all over it makes her happy. At the end of the day we want each other happy and we support each other as much as we can even if we don't agree with their decision.

 

Sounds healthy.

 

It is. We just don't always see eye to eye on purchases we make.

 

So you're not confused.. when you get married.. It's not longer your money.

Open private slush fund for hookers and wheels, call Paypal, PM Miz.

 

I remember days back in history when I had hobbies.

 

Yeah I'm aware of that. I'm not too worried about it.

 

I had the same problem , but I did what Jayne says, I also pick a day or 2 of the week for me and my hobbies, the rest is her's, and it works great.

 

ouch

 

the day that happens to me...........

 

Real good advice in here, follow it.

 

wow i feel like i just read my own post, thanks for writing it for me tyler. only thing i would have added is that my gf works for the bank...where i have my checking account...and that's why i use paypal for purchases.

anyways, OP...a lot of good advice here in this thread. good luck with everything.