So I have a dilemma on my hands. I just got engaged a few weeks back and now my fiancée and I are starting to get our planning underway for our wedding party. She pretty much has her people set but I'm still in limbo with my situation.

So I have three of my buddies and my brother in my mind as my wedding party. Here's a little back ground into each one:

1) My brother: Were not close or even friends as kids, probably not until around early college did we start acknowledging each other. Since then we've hung out here and there, used to go hiking together when I still lived back home, but since then we just talk on the phone once every week or two weeks. I'm the only one in the family he'll talk to about personal stuff and I share a lot about my life with him, but the problem is he's just, well, unique. He lacks common sense all together, chases these dreams of being a musician/singer even though he's tone deaf and he lacks any kind of social skills. He'll order things in restaurants that aren't on the menu and expect them to have it, he'll shove napkins in his ears if a band is playing too loud, he'll request a straw at a restaurant not to use as a drinking apparatus but to pick his teeth with at the table, he'll wear sweat pants/construction boots/fanny pack to go out in... I think you get the point. Just very embarassing to be around at times.

2) My best friend: He is a total introvert. He's unemployed, a total pot head, refuses to do anything social, has only met my fiancée a handful of times even though he lives 4 miles from me, most of the time refuses to come to my place so I have to go to his, basically always turns me down if I ask him to social situations or even if I have just one person over my place. In a nut shell he's always been the friend who people start thinking is my alter ego because I talk about him all the time but he never ever comes out so no one gets to meet him. He's the person I came to visit out here in Arizona and one of the reasons I decided to move here from New England. I moved here and he pretty much distanced himself from me even more than when we lived back east. He had a really f*cked up family life and his brother has been hooked on meth for years so I know he's got a lot of stuff going on that keeps him down, but any advice I give him seems to be more of an annoyance to him that just good advice. He's been my friend since 7th grade though and we've seen/been through a boat load together.

3) My old roommate: Great dude, very social, everyone always like him and is totally comfortable around him. He's honest and is really smart. Was a terrible roommate because he lived like a hippie and never showered, cleaned or did anything other than play video games, but I respect the dudes mind and always thought he was a great friend that was there for me when I really needed him. We've also been through some amazing/crazy/scary/life changing ordeals together. He was my first and only roommate and I got to know his family really well as well as him getting to know mine.

4) High school buddy: Super successful, married and is super smart. I used to chill with him and his wife all the time and we'd have intelligent conversations, he's really creative and always is coming up with inventions. Kind of the Doc Brown of friends. I was in his wedding party where his brother was his best man, but they truly were best friends. We don't talk to each other as much as we should but every other month we'll exchange emails that lead into chatting on the phone and catching up.

So I know who's in my wedding party, but I don't know who to make my best man. I've spent the most time with my old roommate, I considered my best friend my best friend and thus the best man but he's totally anti social and acts like he doesn't really care that I'm getting married, and then there's my brother who I just kinda became close with and does bizarre things and embarasses me.

The biggest fear is the best man speech. I want to have one, but the only one that I would trust to do it would be my old roommate. I know my best friend wouldn't care either way and I know my high school buddy wouldn't care either, but it's my brother that I'm worried will be hurt if I don't make him my best man. What to do?

Anyone else go through this not knowing who to make your best man? Anyone have a reception with no best man speech or did you write the speech for the best man? It seems kind of petty to write the speech for the best man but I seriously don't trust my brother or my best friend to do it. Any input would be appreciated.

Cliff notes:
1. Have the wedding party decided but don't know who to make best man.
2. Brother is odd, best friend is anti social, old roommate is cool and high school friend is cool but not super close with anymore.
3. Should I write the best man speech, nix it from the ceremony or just choose my old roommate because he's the best talker?
4. Anyone else ever go through this?

 

Pick the best friend and don't fret about the speech; it's his problem. You won't remember it anyway, and nor will anyone else unless it is really extraordinary.

 

Wow - very similar situation that I faced (and I'm coming up on my 15th wedding anniv). My brother was (still is) a dumb sh!t. My best friend was going through his 2d divorce and recovering from a nervous breakdown. And my college roommate, though a great guy, looked like he spent the previous year living off the fat of the land.

Anyway, I wound up going with my bro. I figured that he'll always be my brother, and blood's thicker than whatever. He did a pretty decent job with the toast, although my Dad helped him a lot with it.

After 15 years of marriage, the only person I'm still in contact with is my roommate. He's since lost 130# and even shaves now.

I'm glad I picked my brother, because that sends an important message to my kids when they look at our wedding pictures that family should come first.

Fast forward to 6 or 7 years ago, and my brother asked me to be his "co-" best man at his wedding. His best friend was the other co-best man. It was a little awkward, but I just figured WTF, it's his wedding. Since then he hasn't spoken to the best friend, so I still believe that I made the better decision. Good luck.

 

I'd also say you'll probably have to go with your brother. No one else can really be offended by that (if that's what you're worried about).

Although I did begin to doubt my decision once i re-read his description

 

I'm not really close to my older brother either. I didn't have a wedding and he's not married yet, but I'm actually hoping he doesn't ask me to be the best man.

In your case, I would just choose the one I really wanted to be the best man that I could trust enough to write the speech on his own, witting the best man speech for someone else does seem kind of petty. I'm sure you have a pretty good idea about who you want to be the best man, but are worried about what the others would think. If I were you, I wouldn't care about what the others think; after all it's YOUR wedding.

I'm not sure if you are worried about what the others would think about not being chosen, but I never understood why people make such a big stink about not being chosen as the best man, its not really that serious to me, but hey that's just me..I'm not a big fan of weddings to begin with.

That said, I'm with Mike 350Z I think the obvious safe choice is obviously your brother, your friends can't get too mad about that. If you were to choose one of your friends, you may have to deal with people in your family wondering why you didn't chose your own brother.

 

Tough call. I would probably go with the old room mate if you two are still comfortable around each other and still close. The two things that influenced my choice is that you mentioned he has been there for you in the past, and that he knows and is comfortable around your family. It sounds to me he will be there for you now, and he respects and is close enough to your family to truly appreciate the importance of your upcoming wedding.

Whatever you decide, congrats, and hope it all works out.

Terry

 

I would pick you brother. He knows you the longest and probably the best. Your best friend does not really know your fiancée well. You college buddy has been out of your life a bit. And same with your high school buddy. Plus, he's your brother.

IMO, you should choose someone that knows you both, but knew you before you met your fiancée. It makes for really good material. And IMO, someone that is really introverted is going to go up there and really be uncomfortable.

I would try not to have any input in the speach. Let him do it. I don't think anyone will intentionally go up there and bash you or embarass you and your wife. And you should trust them. That way it will mean a lot more to you when you hear it.

I picked a friend that I met in college, hung out with after we graduated and then lived with him for a year. I was close to him and his family. He knew my family and my wife. So when he gave his speach he was able to really make it personal.

Good luck and CONGRATS.

 

Thanks guys... all really good advice, as expected.

I've pretty much ruled out either my best friend or my high school friend. So it's between my brother and my old roommate. I've known my old roommate since high school so we've known each other a very long time. It's odd because I feel like I've been friends with him longer than my brother, just because like I said, up until college we never hung out. I should note it was his decision to not hang with me, and once I moved out of the house, I think it hit him that his younger brother was growing up faster than him, so all the sudden he wanted to come over my apartment all the time and hang out.

The thing is that my brother has said weird things to me like "your fiancée isn't out going enough" or "she doesn't seem like she wants to get to know me". None of my friends have ever said anything like this, and no, it's not because they don't want to be honest with me! She's totally a personable person but my brother has these huge unrealistic expectations that she's going to be asking him a million and one questions and all the sudden be his best buddy because she's going to be my wife. So it's like I don't want him to say weird uncomfortable things during his speech. I wish I could tell him to have my father help him with the speech and leave it at that, but unfortunately my father and I have a shitty relationship! LOL! WTF?!

I'm going to have to really take all you guys said and just make a decision. I know eventually my brother would get over it if I choose my old roommate, but who knows. I guess if I had a close family it would be a no brainer, but since I don't, my friends have been more of a family to me and that's what is making this such a hard decision.

 

Yea bro..for as much as you think you and your brother dont really know each other..you do. My brother is just as akward as yours is but thats why i have another brother lol. But really man family first always

 

I'm with what Ravi said...your brother is probably the one who should get the nod over the best friend. That being said, you couldn't really go wrong with the best friend either.


However, in the case of picking the latter, I think you would hurt your brother's feelings...whereas if you had your bro be you BM, at least that's understandable since he's family.

 

Easy choice IMO.

You seem to have 4 candidates, all of whom are fairly close in "qualifications", therefore, the automatic choice is the brother over the 3 friends. That way, you do not choose between friends, you simply take the odd man out.

I was best man in a similar situation, but I was the best friend rather than one of the 4 brothers he had to choose from and all of us were close in our "qualifications". He could not make any meaningful distinction between the brothers, so selected me.

 

Well I said eff my brother and had my best friend of 20 years be my best man. Almost same situation.

 

eh i have two bros so for me it would be my best friend. wouldnt want to start picking favorites in the family.