I took away a different take, but it could entirely depend on the delivery (body language, tone of voice) when she said it. To me, I can see this comment to work as a threat, not a solution. The OP clearly values his family and wife being home to take care of things as her first priority. Her threatening to work takes a stab at what he holds as important - just as his position on her mom can be taken as a stab at what she holds important. Never know without being there, but I'm concerned this exchange could have been a pissing contest rather than a discussion.

I sense the underlying issue is compromise in general - the issue about the mom is just a forum. Unfortunately, in a relationship where compromise is used to achieve balance, it takes two people to make it work.

 

IMHO, I think when this issue stops being the fire you're putting out, you two should work on some fundamental underlying issues. Compromise, having a joint and shared vision of where your family is going, proper boundaries with in-laws. FYI, I'm celebrating 18 years married in August - been through some of this myself.

Best of luck to you and your family.

 

Wow.

Interesting thread. I can see everyone's point here, and think all of the responses have a degree of validity that should be considered by the OP. I certainly think that perhaps there are other issues besides the money as well, but the bottom line, at least to me anyway, is that the OP is having a tough time financially sending money to his wife's mother on an ongoing basis. That being said, the money in the household is his wife's equally, and she should have an opinion where it is spent. including being sent to her mother.

All that being said, what makes me most uncomfortable is the omission from the OP's budget of a savings fund for emergency items. He has two kids, and as they age the financial responsibility to them will only increase. I personally would feel more comfortable putting money aside, regardless of amount, towards an emergency fund or education fund for his kids. Currently, it seems if there is any money left over, it is expected be sent to the OP's mother-in-law. They simply cannot afford it. Yes, it is a rather trivial amount, but I would think that his immediate family would be of primary importance. And honestly, I would expect a spouse to feel the same way. And I sympathize with the OP's frustration that his wife's desire to get another job to send money to her mother while ignoring the EXTREMELY tight budget they exist on. I guess I'm of the belief that responsibility is first and foremost to the immediate family, and if finances allow, then to extended family.

Advice and opinion caveat emptor.
<Single, no kids, and lives with cat.

Terry

 

Well said.

OP keey your head up. You're doing all you can with what you have. Be a good father and husband and at the end of teh day, that is all you can ask for.

 

The story brings up memories of my youth when my parents would fight over my father's brother/family. I was so young I didn't really notice the household income change. My dad is Arabic, another culture that has strong family bonds.

For what it's worth, my observations are:

OP is much more white-collar than wife. For all the nice things he has provided, I suspect she might give up a lot of it for her family.

OP's first priority is the children. OP values wife's time with children over extended family. Wife's priority is extended family and would equalize her capacities among everyone (sacrifice time with children to assist mother).

To me, it seems the OP's position is: "We've built a nice life here, I need you to help maintain this life and I'll help your family when I can." Constrasted with the wife's viewpoint of "We've got a good life. Let's share our good fortune with our family."

But don't listen to me. I'm just observing. I like other's points that you're making your wife choose between your family and her family. I'm afraid to know which she'd choose.

 

All in all, I would say it's a fucked up situation.

It's only about which one you "value more" if you have a choice. There is NO choice for these people. We are talking "rob Peter to pay Paul" here. The money is not there. He couldn't help the mother if he wanted to on an ongoing basis, without causing serious problems at home.

A man is supposed to have his family's support. And he is supposed to be strong for his family. Hmm...

What if, since he is clearly the breadwinner, he took his money and paid it to his dad? Regardless of how his wife felt? Like she tries to do with the credit cards? Electric goes, water goes, minimal food. Would you all be as driven towards pops getting a cut on the regular? What if dad was reneging on helping like he said at first, and then kept on asking for money? That would be bullshit, because we would be talking about two men right? But there is big time sympathy here because it's two women! That shit ain't right!

It wouldn't be right either way, but we would probably have 3 pages of "fuck that" instead of help ol' pops out!

Really, this ain't even an issue about mom needing help. This is about mom wanting to continue her way of life. Other family members have tried to get mom to move to no avail. Even the OP! She is doing what she wants to do, she just wants help doing it. Sooooo...how is it a need again? Ya'll not reading the whole thing.

Fuck it! I wouldn't do it. I can't see tearing up my budget, held together by scotch tape already, to help someone who is doing whatever. She is probably hustling the daughter to get more money for the OTHER relatives. If she was in dire need, she would have left by now! Nah, it's something else. People in here act like mom can't be up to no good wth the money. I smell bullshit!

Don't do it OP. Let the chips fall where they may. If my lady's loyalty was to her mom/extended family and not to us, her immediate family...C-YA!!!

I gotta call it how I see it...IN MY OPINION!

 

One other thing...

This is 2008 worldwide. What the fuck is $50 a month going to do for somebody in the way of help? Nothing. Only serve to put you further in the hole OP! Nope! It's bullshit...don't do it. Put it aside for emergencies and/or your kids. You can't help nobody that don't want to be helped anyway, I don't care if they are male or female. But you can help yourself and your immediate family!

Don't let these people talk you further into ruin by trying to get you to do what they perceive as the "right thing". Your marriage is what it is, long before you came in this forum. This ain't gonna be what changes it for the better. But it can hurt your way of life. Your obligation is to your house and kids, remind the wife that so is hers!

Stay strong bro!

 

^^^^

Yep. If you have the cash, then OK, sent her some. But wife and kids come first.

I agree that $50 is not a lot to us. Hell, to me it's diapers for the month. Outside of the US it does go a lot further.

 

I wanted to tell you all that this thread is an outstanding example of what we expect in D&R: Serious, thoughtful replies and advice to someone with a real problem.

Congratulations for keeping on topic, not ball-busting, and trying to help a fellow member with mutual respect for opinions and ideas.

Keep up the good work! Imaginary rep for everyone.

Dave

 

to me, you're not wrong...

to your wife, you're WRONG! if u're in her shoes, u'd want to send money just because she's still family... sadly.

 

Does your wife know about the $100 original intent? Shes ok with giving it to her mother at the expense of your son's and your bonding time?

 

My boyfriend is Mexican, and it is a super important thing to be around family all the time and to help them out with money whenever possible. He'd lend his dad money before he'd pay his tuition and end up having to pay late fees and borrow money from me to pay it off. Anyways, I vote spend the money on your kids and screw her mom. She needs to understand the strain this matter is putting on your relationship, which I'm sure is being displaced on your kids. Too, if she's one for throwing things in your face ie the bike, then tell her you'd have plenty of money to send her mother if she'd let you take that job in CO. If you've had to file for bankruptcy, you shouldn't even be dreaming of sending $600 to a relative, that's a freaking house payment for some people! Getting citizenship takes forever, it took a friend of ours 9 years to get it and he lots tons of money in scholarships because he didn't have it while in college. Does she expect you to be sending her $600/mo for 9 years? Sure, maybe send her a little money here and there to boost her bank account, but don't lose yours trying to bail someone else out.

 

Umm...I have a question. Is your wife's mother unable to work? Does she not have any type of income what so ever? I mean, I know its Mexico and all, and the majority of Mexicans come to America to make more money for themselves and their family, but theres got to be something her mother can do, right? I mean, her mother is doing things to help herself, not just having her hand out like you guys are an ATM.....right?

If her mother is doing the best that she can to help herself, then you should be more than happy to help...but on the other hand, if her mother is just asking for help, with no signs that she is helping herself....then I would say that you are right for feeling the way you feel on this.

Also, try talking with her mother for yourself(if thats possible) and see what exactly is she doing to help herself (since you handle the finances, try to get an understanding from the source). And then explain to her mother, how important your family is to you that includes her daughter and grandchildren. You guys gotta eat too...and if you dont have it like that to give, then be str8 up and tell them you dont have it like that. I'm all for helping people, I'll give the shirt off my back if I had to, but at the same time...if its my very last shirt, or if I'm down to two shirts....then i'm sorry bruh....your just gonna be without a shirt today. Ask someone else.

As a man and a husband, your main focus is your family/household and honestly your doing a great job at keeping that #1. Dont lose focus on that because at the end of the day, thats all you have.

Thats my

Hope it helps.

 

I just realized that I repeated what everyone else was saying. I read the first page and got to replying...lol.

This is a very deep, intellectual, stimulating convo right here. I'm learning alot from this!

But sorry for the redundancy none the less.

By the way, I used to live in Austin, the economy is getting worse by the day out there....which is one of the reasons why I left. I was working at Dell when they were laying off like crazy(and still are from what I hear from my friends that still work there). Good luck with your situation man. It will all work itself out in the end, believe that!

 

agreed