Am I wrong?
^^^^
Do you have any idea what it's like to live with an unhappy, nagging wife? I know I don't. You want to know why that is? It's because I tend to pick my battles. To me sending the cash is maybe a loosing a battle. How much and where it comes from is not a loosing battle.
Do you have any idea what it's like to live with an unhappy, nagging wife? I know I don't. You want to know why that is? It's because I tend to pick my battles. To me sending the cash is maybe a loosing a battle. How much and where it comes from is not a loosing battle.
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
I'm pretty sure that if the wife is asking for help, it ain't 3rd world country aid (a penny a day) she's looking for. Mind you, he is not adverse to helping. Help when something goes wrong is one thing. But to go into debt to help another family member over a prolonged period of time is not good family expense strategy. The onus for this to work cannot fall solely on his shoulders. The wife is not trying to meet him halfway, and is making emotional decisions. He should be the rock, and not do the same!
If the wife feels this need is definitely unavoidable - "Clean-up on aisle 3!!" .....works everytime!
If the wife feels this need is definitely unavoidable - "Clean-up on aisle 3!!" .....works everytime!
Family obligations Darksom. Sometimes you do what you do not want to do, or what you know is stupid so as to help your family. That said....I agree OP should not go into debt over it. But if he is able to swing it, or if his wife makes some extra cash and she wants to send it, then so be it.
I really like your one line comments, but I hope you know that a lot of times it is 100% unrealistic.
I really like your one line comments, but I hope you know that a lot of times it is 100% unrealistic.
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
Lol...don't read too much into the humor. The one line is to say she should get a job. How about the rest of my post?
And, I am glad that my family understands that I help when I can, and can't when I don't. They don't throw a guilt trip on me to get me to do what they want because they know I have been there for them in the past. So I don't need a refresher course in how to raise a village. Did I not say I helped my own mother in a time of need? But you do not forsake your home to help others. My mother would NEVER place demands on me, or ask for help that would cause a rift in my household. She would respect my family and it's needs before hers. Not to mention that if she asked for the money to come in the first place, she would've come as she said, and helped out in the home. A family help network if you will...instead of just taking!
So no, I do not empathize with you one bit when you say you have to do stuff that family wants to maintain harmony. That sounds too much like an acephalous household, as well as a household that has no awareness of it's loyalty and duty to self! The wife has clearly drawn her loyalties to her mom, when they should be to her husband and her immediate family that needs her focus now, due to it's OWN druthers. And if you guys don't agree with that, then perhaps you will be writing one of these yourself one day.
The OP is daunted on two fronts. He has a mother-in-law that did not fulfill her end of the bargain when they originally sent for her, but stays where she is and requests more assistance, coupled with the wife that wants to help her regardless of the stress financially, spiritually, and emotionally that it has on her immediate family.
No. Emergencies are a time for sucking it up. Money on tap is not an emergency. As a man, he has a duty to his household first. If after the initial assistance she wants more money, then the wife should get a part-time job to come up with the difference - IF SHE THINKS IT'S SO IMPORTANT!
I can just see Robin Givens using this approach on one Mike Tyson...
Again, if you read my whole post, you would know that I am not against him helping her. Just not with the MONTHLY help. His own family needs that.
And, I am glad that my family understands that I help when I can, and can't when I don't. They don't throw a guilt trip on me to get me to do what they want because they know I have been there for them in the past. So I don't need a refresher course in how to raise a village. Did I not say I helped my own mother in a time of need? But you do not forsake your home to help others. My mother would NEVER place demands on me, or ask for help that would cause a rift in my household. She would respect my family and it's needs before hers. Not to mention that if she asked for the money to come in the first place, she would've come as she said, and helped out in the home. A family help network if you will...instead of just taking!
So no, I do not empathize with you one bit when you say you have to do stuff that family wants to maintain harmony. That sounds too much like an acephalous household, as well as a household that has no awareness of it's loyalty and duty to self! The wife has clearly drawn her loyalties to her mom, when they should be to her husband and her immediate family that needs her focus now, due to it's OWN druthers. And if you guys don't agree with that, then perhaps you will be writing one of these yourself one day.
The OP is daunted on two fronts. He has a mother-in-law that did not fulfill her end of the bargain when they originally sent for her, but stays where she is and requests more assistance, coupled with the wife that wants to help her regardless of the stress financially, spiritually, and emotionally that it has on her immediate family.
No. Emergencies are a time for sucking it up. Money on tap is not an emergency. As a man, he has a duty to his household first. If after the initial assistance she wants more money, then the wife should get a part-time job to come up with the difference - IF SHE THINKS IT'S SO IMPORTANT!
I can just see Robin Givens using this approach on one Mike Tyson...
Again, if you read my whole post, you would know that I am not against him helping her. Just not with the MONTHLY help. His own family needs that.
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 16,973
Likes: 7,362
From: Seattle, WA
Wow - lots of good advice here IMO.
Shift_it - you are in a rough spot. Key thing is don't do or say anything rash until you've sorted it out. Vent to us, not at your wife.
Do not come between your wife and her mom. Don't make her choose. All you do is drive a wedge and build resentment. You may think you've "won", but I tell you this will come back in some fight you'll have a year from now and you're going to get blasted with, "you don't love me because you never took care of my Mom".
DO NOT DIE ON THIS HILL OVER PRINCIPLE. There are hills to die on sometimes, this isn't one. Pick your battles - this one has a way out.
You're practical reality is money is there, but tight. Help her understand that principle and get agreement that you see your current situation the same way. Then discuss why her mom needs the money. What is the objective? Survival, a little help, some spending money, what? Get agreement with your wife on what it is you want to achieve by helping her. Then discuss with her what's the best way to help, and discuss what's reasonable. Agree on something consistent and regular, so you're not reacting to every phone call and plea for help.
I think the best thing is offer token help if it keeps your wife at peace. Just set some ground rules you both can live with and abide by it. Marriage has compromises - this is one of them I think. Just bound it so she's happy and you can live with it. I'm not a fan of handouts for no purpose by any means, but if your wife is emotional about it and sees this as some kind of you-against-her-mom scenario, don't go there. Loving your wife sometimes means caring for what she cares for even if you're luke warm on it.
My wife and I provide a bit for her parents - this is how we approached it and it's worked well. We don't have to fight about what we give. Good luck!
Shift_it - you are in a rough spot. Key thing is don't do or say anything rash until you've sorted it out. Vent to us, not at your wife.
Do not come between your wife and her mom. Don't make her choose. All you do is drive a wedge and build resentment. You may think you've "won", but I tell you this will come back in some fight you'll have a year from now and you're going to get blasted with, "you don't love me because you never took care of my Mom".
DO NOT DIE ON THIS HILL OVER PRINCIPLE. There are hills to die on sometimes, this isn't one. Pick your battles - this one has a way out.
You're practical reality is money is there, but tight. Help her understand that principle and get agreement that you see your current situation the same way. Then discuss why her mom needs the money. What is the objective? Survival, a little help, some spending money, what? Get agreement with your wife on what it is you want to achieve by helping her. Then discuss with her what's the best way to help, and discuss what's reasonable. Agree on something consistent and regular, so you're not reacting to every phone call and plea for help.
I think the best thing is offer token help if it keeps your wife at peace. Just set some ground rules you both can live with and abide by it. Marriage has compromises - this is one of them I think. Just bound it so she's happy and you can live with it. I'm not a fan of handouts for no purpose by any means, but if your wife is emotional about it and sees this as some kind of you-against-her-mom scenario, don't go there. Loving your wife sometimes means caring for what she cares for even if you're luke warm on it.
My wife and I provide a bit for her parents - this is how we approached it and it's worked well. We don't have to fight about what we give. Good luck!
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
Is it lost on everyone that responds to this that her mother remains in Mexico of her own accord, AFTER she asked for their help to leave there? I mean, it's like no one is addressing this beyond the myopic opinion of should or shouldn't he help MA! 
What about THEIR bills?
What about the initial help ($600) and the mitigating circumstances surrounding it?
What about the constant need that surfaces whenever somene finds out they have some money?
What about loyalty to family? (immediate)
What about the influence that her mom probably has on her given their past, that might prompt her to act irrational in giving assistance?
Dude is busting his ass to keep them afloat, and what does he get by way of support from the wife?:
"Hey hubby, remember my mom? Yeah, well, she needs some more money! What do you mean there is none? Didn't you just buy a bike? Put it on eBay! I know you worked hard for the money to buy it, but hey momma needs and that's that! WTF? It's momma and that's all I needed to say. So forget about our bills, and the roof over our kids head, and no water or electric, and give momma whatever she needs! Part time job? Hahahaha...dude, you're funny!"
What about THEIR bills?
What about the initial help ($600) and the mitigating circumstances surrounding it?
What about the constant need that surfaces whenever somene finds out they have some money?
What about loyalty to family? (immediate)
What about the influence that her mom probably has on her given their past, that might prompt her to act irrational in giving assistance?
Dude is busting his ass to keep them afloat, and what does he get by way of support from the wife?:
"Hey hubby, remember my mom? Yeah, well, she needs some more money! What do you mean there is none? Didn't you just buy a bike? Put it on eBay! I know you worked hard for the money to buy it, but hey momma needs and that's that! WTF? It's momma and that's all I needed to say. So forget about our bills, and the roof over our kids head, and no water or electric, and give momma whatever she needs! Part time job? Hahahaha...dude, you're funny!"
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 16,973
Likes: 7,362
From: Seattle, WA
^^^ His wife is the one that has to come around and realize these things. Until she does, he's pitting himself against his wife if he draws the line. She needs to come along for this journey and be on the same page as he is, then cut it off. Until then, I don't think it's wise.
I'm not saying the mom deserves a handout or that the main focus here is really helping her. I think the main focus is getting out of the line of fire between his wife and this issue, and coach her to see this for what it is. Drawing the line all at once will only make her dig in and resent him.
Loose the battle, win the war.
I'm not saying the mom deserves a handout or that the main focus here is really helping her. I think the main focus is getting out of the line of fire between his wife and this issue, and coach her to see this for what it is. Drawing the line all at once will only make her dig in and resent him.
Loose the battle, win the war.
Team Owner
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 23,451
Likes: 54
Originally Posted by darksom1
Is it lost on everyone that responds to this that her mother remains in Mexico of her own accord, AFTER she asked for their help to leave there? I mean, it's like no one is addressing this beyond the myopic opinion of should or shouldn't he help MA!
What about THEIR bills?
What about the initial help ($600) and the mitigating circumstances surrounding it?
What about the constant need that surfaces whenever somene finds out they have some money?
What about loyalty to family? (immediate)
What about the influence that her mom probably has on her given their past, that might prompt her to act irrational in giving assistance?
Dude is busting his ass to keep them afloat, and what does he get by way of support from the wife?:
"Hey hubby, remember my mom? Yeah, well, she needs some more money! What do you mean there is none? Didn't you just buy a bike? Put it on eBay! I know you worked hard for the money to buy it, but hey momma needs and that's that! WTF? It's momma and that's all I needed to say. So forget about our bills, and the roof over our kids head, and no water or electric, and give momma whatever she needs! Part time job? Hahahaha...dude, you're funny!"
What about THEIR bills?
What about the initial help ($600) and the mitigating circumstances surrounding it?
What about the constant need that surfaces whenever somene finds out they have some money?
What about loyalty to family? (immediate)
What about the influence that her mom probably has on her given their past, that might prompt her to act irrational in giving assistance?
Dude is busting his ass to keep them afloat, and what does he get by way of support from the wife?:
"Hey hubby, remember my mom? Yeah, well, she needs some more money! What do you mean there is none? Didn't you just buy a bike? Put it on eBay! I know you worked hard for the money to buy it, but hey momma needs and that's that! WTF? It's momma and that's all I needed to say. So forget about our bills, and the roof over our kids head, and no water or electric, and give momma whatever she needs! Part time job? Hahahaha...dude, you're funny!"
Team Owner
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 23,451
Likes: 54
Originally Posted by 1Louder
^^^ His wife is the one that has to come around and realize these things. Until she does, he's pitting himself against his wife if he draws the line. She needs to come along for this journey and be on the same page as he is, then cut it off. Until then, I don't think it's wise.
I'm not saying the mom deserves a handout or that the main focus here is really helping her. I think the main focus is getting out of the line of fire between his wife and this issue, and coach her to see this for what it is. Drawing the line all at once will only make her dig in and resent him.
Loose the battle, win the war.
I'm not saying the mom deserves a handout or that the main focus here is really helping her. I think the main focus is getting out of the line of fire between his wife and this issue, and coach her to see this for what it is. Drawing the line all at once will only make her dig in and resent him.
Loose the battle, win the war.
....fair enough
Thread Starter
Racer
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 431
Likes: 0
moeronn - My mother is Korean and very old timer. Broken English and even her in this wife & mom situation is not the same as for "support". I believe in helping when "WE" can help, but our zero LIQUID asset is nothing. We don't have money to really put any and give up. lol
As for my wife's mom (my momma inlaw) she got knocked up young and it was to a Ft. Bliss soldier. She could have married and lived w/ him (the father wanted to take her in and make her citizen). So her mom gave her up to her aunts that lived in the States to give her a better life. Now is the past, both my wifes sisters tried to bring her over to the States. She refused. Now after Thousands of dollars, paper-work and BS long distance phone calls to know how to properly fill out the paper; and it is not all said and done. Her ass won't live here. How stupid is that? I see it as not appreciating whats given to her (mom).
It just sickens my stomach!!
==========
moeronn - Love to send money, but we're in the ZERO budget if you looked at our expenses above
------------------------
darksom1 - Thank you for the supportive PM. I responded back to you
-----------------------
As for my wife's mom (my momma inlaw) she got knocked up young and it was to a Ft. Bliss soldier. She could have married and lived w/ him (the father wanted to take her in and make her citizen). So her mom gave her up to her aunts that lived in the States to give her a better life. Now is the past, both my wifes sisters tried to bring her over to the States. She refused. Now after Thousands of dollars, paper-work and BS long distance phone calls to know how to properly fill out the paper; and it is not all said and done. Her ass won't live here. How stupid is that? I see it as not appreciating whats given to her (mom).
It just sickens my stomach!!
==========
moeronn - Love to send money, but we're in the ZERO budget if you looked at our expenses above
------------------------
darksom1 - Thank you for the supportive PM. I responded back to you
-----------------------
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
No problem man!
No way should it just be "give momma the money because she is momma", to keep peace with the irrational wife and ignore everything going downhill surrounding this. Take care of your home!
No way should it just be "give momma the money because she is momma", to keep peace with the irrational wife and ignore everything going downhill surrounding this. Take care of your home!
Thread Starter
Racer
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 431
Likes: 0
All -
I sat down today w/ the wife. Broke down our expenses and showed her on paper what we make and what we spend (must have)
We balanced out to couple dollars and that did not include going out on weekends or putting clothes on the kids, home repairs and whats not.... ect, ect...
She came @ me in the end saying "Its not like I want to send her money all the time"
I told her we send her $50.00 last month. She said prove it. OK........ got the check-book out and here is the check number 1111 amount of $50.00
Yes--- last month. She got quite quick. Shit hits the fan when I am budgeting the funds in our account. I know what hell goes on!! Play me as if I was stupid!
So - I told her I wanted to make sure we're taken care of before someone else is in need of help. I really can't say she respected that! She then stated she'll get another job to make more money to send off to her mom.
Then I told her, so you'll give up the time being w/ the kids as I did in the past to not see them go through school?!?!?!
I told her... do what-ever you need to do! I even offered her to pack her shit and move to El Paso, live close to your mom and help out and see if thats your lifestyle you want. But just make sure the kids stay here.
My wife is stubborn hispanic woman, but I think most of them are from all my buddies that either date or married to them
My own mom even offered to move in with them, save money, go to school full time (finish up) and wife says NO WAY!! Some reason my wife and mom don't click the best when living together, b/c my mom is so old fashion and always presents saving money. Which really, not a bad thing.
All we @ one time we're like the jones's. You guys know that MC-Hammer commercial about "Nationwide ; life comes at you fast"? Heh,.,,, shit is sooooooOOOO true! Life can bite you in the ass so quick and involving her mom into the "SHIFT_IT" money funds is not a no-go!
All I can say for now. Hell I can't even sleep w/ this BS going on!!
I sat down today w/ the wife. Broke down our expenses and showed her on paper what we make and what we spend (must have)
We balanced out to couple dollars and that did not include going out on weekends or putting clothes on the kids, home repairs and whats not.... ect, ect...
She came @ me in the end saying "Its not like I want to send her money all the time"
I told her we send her $50.00 last month. She said prove it. OK........ got the check-book out and here is the check number 1111 amount of $50.00
Yes--- last month. She got quite quick. Shit hits the fan when I am budgeting the funds in our account. I know what hell goes on!! Play me as if I was stupid!
So - I told her I wanted to make sure we're taken care of before someone else is in need of help. I really can't say she respected that! She then stated she'll get another job to make more money to send off to her mom.
Then I told her, so you'll give up the time being w/ the kids as I did in the past to not see them go through school?!?!?!
I told her... do what-ever you need to do! I even offered her to pack her shit and move to El Paso, live close to your mom and help out and see if thats your lifestyle you want. But just make sure the kids stay here.
My wife is stubborn hispanic woman, but I think most of them are from all my buddies that either date or married to them
My own mom even offered to move in with them, save money, go to school full time (finish up) and wife says NO WAY!! Some reason my wife and mom don't click the best when living together, b/c my mom is so old fashion and always presents saving money. Which really, not a bad thing.
All we @ one time we're like the jones's. You guys know that MC-Hammer commercial about "Nationwide ; life comes at you fast"? Heh,.,,, shit is sooooooOOOO true! Life can bite you in the ass so quick and involving her mom into the "SHIFT_IT" money funds is not a no-go!
All I can say for now. Hell I can't even sleep w/ this BS going on!!
Thread Starter
Racer
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 431
Likes: 0
I think I am giving my wife a wonderful lifestyle even today and the situation we're in. To live in a nice neighborhood, great school district for the kids and very family orientied area.
To me she just seeing as it "as her mom, she's broke, she needs help. Can we offer anything?"
I respect she asked me, but my response was not so great. Yes.. I wish I can send her mom money all the time and some fresh peaches and strawberries to go along w/ the money.
-But we're not on the same boat as we ONCE were.
I then got a little smart-ass and said, lets just sell our home, break even and live in a rut so we can have money. Her response... do what the hell ever. Not the response, but that for one is a hispanic woman attitude! LOL she knows I wouldn't do that. She knows me too good. Not that bad of a husband.
To me she just seeing as it "as her mom, she's broke, she needs help. Can we offer anything?"
I respect she asked me, but my response was not so great. Yes.. I wish I can send her mom money all the time and some fresh peaches and strawberries to go along w/ the money.
-But we're not on the same boat as we ONCE were.
I then got a little smart-ass and said, lets just sell our home, break even and live in a rut so we can have money. Her response... do what the hell ever. Not the response, but that for one is a hispanic woman attitude! LOL she knows I wouldn't do that. She knows me too good. Not that bad of a husband.
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
Originally Posted by Shift_it
All -
I sat down today w/ the wife. Broke down our expenses and showed her on paper what we make and what we spend (must have)
We balanced out to couple dollars and that did not include going out on weekends or putting clothes on the kids, home repairs and whats not.... ect, ect...
She came @ me in the end saying "Its not like I want to send her money all the time"
I told her we send her $50.00 last month. She said prove it. OK........ got the check-book out and here is the check number 1111 amount of $50.00
Yes--- last month. She got quite quick. Shit hits the fan when I am budgeting the funds in our account. I know what hell goes on!! Play me as if I was stupid!
So - I told her I wanted to make sure we're taken care of before someone else is in need of help. I really can't say she respected that! She then stated she'll get another job to make more money to send off to her mom.
Then I told her, so you'll give up the time being w/ the kids as I did in the past to not see them go through school?!?!?!
I told her... do what-ever you need to do! I even offered her to pack her shit and move to El Paso, live close to your mom and help out and see if thats your lifestyle you want. But just make sure the kids stay here.
My wife is stubborn hispanic woman, but I think most of them are from all my buddies that either date or married to them
My own mom even offered to move in with them, save money, go to school full time (finish up) and wife says NO WAY!! Some reason my wife and mom don't click the best when living together, b/c my mom is so old fashion and always presents saving money. Which really, not a bad thing.
All we @ one time we're like the jones's. You guys know that MC-Hammer commercial about "Nationwide ; life comes at you fast"? Heh,.,,, shit is sooooooOOOO true! Life can bite you in the ass so quick and involving her mom into the "SHIFT_IT" money funds is not a no-go!
All I can say for now. Hell I can't even sleep w/ this BS going on!!
I sat down today w/ the wife. Broke down our expenses and showed her on paper what we make and what we spend (must have)
We balanced out to couple dollars and that did not include going out on weekends or putting clothes on the kids, home repairs and whats not.... ect, ect...
She came @ me in the end saying "Its not like I want to send her money all the time"
I told her we send her $50.00 last month. She said prove it. OK........ got the check-book out and here is the check number 1111 amount of $50.00
Yes--- last month. She got quite quick. Shit hits the fan when I am budgeting the funds in our account. I know what hell goes on!! Play me as if I was stupid!
So - I told her I wanted to make sure we're taken care of before someone else is in need of help. I really can't say she respected that! She then stated she'll get another job to make more money to send off to her mom.
Then I told her, so you'll give up the time being w/ the kids as I did in the past to not see them go through school?!?!?!
I told her... do what-ever you need to do! I even offered her to pack her shit and move to El Paso, live close to your mom and help out and see if thats your lifestyle you want. But just make sure the kids stay here.
My wife is stubborn hispanic woman, but I think most of them are from all my buddies that either date or married to them
My own mom even offered to move in with them, save money, go to school full time (finish up) and wife says NO WAY!! Some reason my wife and mom don't click the best when living together, b/c my mom is so old fashion and always presents saving money. Which really, not a bad thing.
All we @ one time we're like the jones's. You guys know that MC-Hammer commercial about "Nationwide ; life comes at you fast"? Heh,.,,, shit is sooooooOOOO true! Life can bite you in the ass so quick and involving her mom into the "SHIFT_IT" money funds is not a no-go!
All I can say for now. Hell I can't even sleep w/ this BS going on!!
Now, look at their perspective offspring. He wants to provide for the home and set something up for college for the kids. She wants to give the money to her mom, can't balance a checkbook, and ignores what is needed in the home!
Man, this is a damn no-brainer! Stay strong OP!!!!!
Thread Starter
Racer
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 431
Likes: 0
Originally Posted by darksom1
Maybe it would help level the playing field if he bought her a bike too? 
I'd be dreaming to have that.Sad enough.... I did about year ago, purchased a rock hopper Specialized mountain bike off of Craigslist and she rode it twice in the neighborhood since then. It's just sittin pretty on the bike rack on the wall in the garage.
Great looking bike and was HOT BIKE in the 90s. Looks great and got it from a guy that was hardcore like me into trail riding and it was his wifes bike and she never rode it, so he sold it.
I plan to do the same, maybe what we sell it for, she can send that to her momma. Maybe offer to sell a kidney. I hear they pay for that also (not mine though
)
Thread Starter
Racer
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 431
Likes: 0
Originally Posted by darksom1
See, this is what I am talking about. It is about the upbringing! His mom promotes saving your money. Her mom is like take, take, take.
Now, look at their perspective offspring. He wants to provide for the home and set something up for college for the kids. She wants to give the money to her mom, can't balance a checkbook, and ignores what is needed in the home!
Man, this is a damn no-brainer! Stay strong OP!!!!!
Now, look at their perspective offspring. He wants to provide for the home and set something up for college for the kids. She wants to give the money to her mom, can't balance a checkbook, and ignores what is needed in the home!
Man, this is a damn no-brainer! Stay strong OP!!!!!
As for my wife's mom. My wife told me she offers to send money to her mom and that she does not ask for it.
What I don't like is my wife offer's before consulting w/ me. What the heck!!!
She did admit to me today when we were in chat session that she tried to use her credit card to take money out of the ATM to send her, but it didn't work. I told her; Looks like god is looking out for your best intrest. Sorry if I am sounding like a smart ass. I just think it has gone long enough.
That's my
Last edited by Shift_it; Jul 1, 2008 at 12:27 AM.
GEEZER
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 44,444
Likes: 2,227
From: Dunedin, Fla.
Originally Posted by SakiGT
First off, $100 a month for your mother in law is no big deal. Dont go delving into whether she deserves it or not - your wife feels she does and this is a team effort. You have to trust her.
.
.
Suzuka Master
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 6,732
Likes: 233
From: Massachusetts
Originally Posted by darksom1
Is it lost on everyone that responds to this that her mother remains in Mexico of her own accord, AFTER she asked for their help to leave there? I mean, it's like no one is addressing this beyond the myopic opinion of should or shouldn't he help MA!
What about THEIR bills?
What about the initial help ($600) and the mitigating circumstances surrounding it?
What about the constant need that surfaces whenever somene finds out they have some money?
What about loyalty to family? (immediate)
What about the influence that her mom probably has on her given their past, that might prompt her to act irrational in giving assistance?
Dude is busting his ass to keep them afloat, and what does he get by way of support from the wife?:
"Hey hubby, remember my mom? Yeah, well, she needs some more money! What do you mean there is none? Didn't you just buy a bike? Put it on eBay! I know you worked hard for the money to buy it, but hey momma needs and that's that! WTF? It's momma and that's all I needed to say. So forget about our bills, and the roof over our kids head, and no water or electric, and give momma whatever she needs! Part time job? Hahahaha...dude, you're funny!"
What about THEIR bills?
What about the initial help ($600) and the mitigating circumstances surrounding it?
What about the constant need that surfaces whenever somene finds out they have some money?
What about loyalty to family? (immediate)
What about the influence that her mom probably has on her given their past, that might prompt her to act irrational in giving assistance?
Dude is busting his ass to keep them afloat, and what does he get by way of support from the wife?:
"Hey hubby, remember my mom? Yeah, well, she needs some more money! What do you mean there is none? Didn't you just buy a bike? Put it on eBay! I know you worked hard for the money to buy it, but hey momma needs and that's that! WTF? It's momma and that's all I needed to say. So forget about our bills, and the roof over our kids head, and no water or electric, and give momma whatever she needs! Part time job? Hahahaha...dude, you're funny!"
Suzuka Master
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,115
Likes: 0
Originally Posted by moeronn
^^ I see your point, but this is a lose/lose situation if you approach it that way.
Again, I'm not suggesting he just blindly keep sending "gov-ment checks" to the mom with no consideration to his own family needs. But to flat out ignore his wife's feeling of obligation is not going to make the overall situation any better. Remember, she is a woman, so logic will not win in this case (tongue-in-cheek)
A serious conversation with hard numbers and budget are needed, but don't expect to get away with not sending anything. This will definitely cause resentment, if not break up the family. I know that's not what the OP is after, even if it was brought up as a last resort option. "Forbidding" her from sending money will only make the situation worse.
Again, I'm not suggesting he just blindly keep sending "gov-ment checks" to the mom with no consideration to his own family needs. But to flat out ignore his wife's feeling of obligation is not going to make the overall situation any better. Remember, she is a woman, so logic will not win in this case (tongue-in-cheek)
A serious conversation with hard numbers and budget are needed, but don't expect to get away with not sending anything. This will definitely cause resentment, if not break up the family. I know that's not what the OP is after, even if it was brought up as a last resort option. "Forbidding" her from sending money will only make the situation worse.
Suzuka Master
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,115
Likes: 0
Dude, you realize it is no longer about the money anymore, right?
Do yourself a favor. "Find" $50 in your budget. Work an extra hour of overtime a week, cash in a PTO, eat a beans and rice dinner with plantains instead of steak - send the mother $100 every other month.
Its really...REALLY not worth all the arguing thats going on.
Do yourself a favor. "Find" $50 in your budget. Work an extra hour of overtime a week, cash in a PTO, eat a beans and rice dinner with plantains instead of steak - send the mother $100 every other month.
Its really...REALLY not worth all the arguing thats going on.
Suzuka Master
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 6,732
Likes: 233
From: Massachusetts
You seemed to be down on your wife getting a part time job. I don't see why, dosn't this solve the problem? I get the feeling you really want things to be a certain way, and you want your wife to help you put things that way. But she has her own plans and they don't exactly match yours. To you family is you, your wife, and your kids. To her it includes her mom, and problbly brother and cousins etc. Try to put yourself in her shoes and think of her mom as one of your kids, then think about what you would do to help them. Anything right? Thats how she feels about her mom. It's not right or wrong, it just is.
If you go with the Darksom "just say no, fuck her if she dosn't understand" plan, you are going to be getting devorced. Maybe you want that, maybe not. But I think that your plan of having your wife leave while you keep the kids is complete fantasy. Most likely case is the court awards her majority custody and you wind up paying more than you do now, and seeing your kids less. Less likely but still possible is your wife takes the kids and moves to Mexico to be with her mother.
This is not a thing thats going to just go away, you are going to have to make a compromise here somewhere, or your marriage is never going to be the same.
If you go with the Darksom "just say no, fuck her if she dosn't understand" plan, you are going to be getting devorced. Maybe you want that, maybe not. But I think that your plan of having your wife leave while you keep the kids is complete fantasy. Most likely case is the court awards her majority custody and you wind up paying more than you do now, and seeing your kids less. Less likely but still possible is your wife takes the kids and moves to Mexico to be with her mother.
This is not a thing thats going to just go away, you are going to have to make a compromise here somewhere, or your marriage is never going to be the same.
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
Originally Posted by Shift_it
All -
I sat down today w/ the wife. Broke down our expenses and showed her on paper what we make and what we spend (must have)
We balanced out to couple dollars and that did not include going out on weekends or putting clothes on the kids, home repairs and whats not.... ect, ect...
She came @ me in the end saying "Its not like I want to send her money all the time"
I told her we send her $50.00 last month. She said prove it. OK........ got the check-book out and here is the check number 1111 amount of $50.00
Yes--- last month. She got quite quick. Shit hits the fan when I am budgeting the funds in our account. I know what hell goes on!! Play me as if I was stupid!
So - I told her I wanted to make sure we're taken care of before someone else is in need of help. I really can't say she respected that! She then stated she'll get another job to make more money to send off to her mom.
Then I told her, so you'll give up the time being w/ the kids as I did in the past to not see them go through school?!?!?!
I told her... do what-ever you need to do! I even offered her to pack her shit and move to El Paso, live close to your mom and help out and see if thats your lifestyle you want. But just make sure the kids stay here.
My wife is stubborn hispanic woman, but I think most of them are from all my buddies that either date or married to them
My own mom even offered to move in with them, save money, go to school full time (finish up) and wife says NO WAY!! Some reason my wife and mom don't click the best when living together, b/c my mom is so old fashion and always presents saving money. Which really, not a bad thing.
All we @ one time we're like the jones's. You guys know that MC-Hammer commercial about "Nationwide ; life comes at you fast"? Heh,.,,, shit is sooooooOOOO true! Life can bite you in the ass so quick and involving her mom into the "SHIFT_IT" money funds is not a no-go!
All I can say for now. Hell I can't even sleep w/ this BS going on!!
I sat down today w/ the wife. Broke down our expenses and showed her on paper what we make and what we spend (must have)
We balanced out to couple dollars and that did not include going out on weekends or putting clothes on the kids, home repairs and whats not.... ect, ect...
She came @ me in the end saying "Its not like I want to send her money all the time"
I told her we send her $50.00 last month. She said prove it. OK........ got the check-book out and here is the check number 1111 amount of $50.00
Yes--- last month. She got quite quick. Shit hits the fan when I am budgeting the funds in our account. I know what hell goes on!! Play me as if I was stupid!
So - I told her I wanted to make sure we're taken care of before someone else is in need of help. I really can't say she respected that! She then stated she'll get another job to make more money to send off to her mom.
Then I told her, so you'll give up the time being w/ the kids as I did in the past to not see them go through school?!?!?!
I told her... do what-ever you need to do! I even offered her to pack her shit and move to El Paso, live close to your mom and help out and see if thats your lifestyle you want. But just make sure the kids stay here.
My wife is stubborn hispanic woman, but I think most of them are from all my buddies that either date or married to them
My own mom even offered to move in with them, save money, go to school full time (finish up) and wife says NO WAY!! Some reason my wife and mom don't click the best when living together, b/c my mom is so old fashion and always presents saving money. Which really, not a bad thing.
All we @ one time we're like the jones's. You guys know that MC-Hammer commercial about "Nationwide ; life comes at you fast"? Heh,.,,, shit is sooooooOOOO true! Life can bite you in the ass so quick and involving her mom into the "SHIFT_IT" money funds is not a no-go!
All I can say for now. Hell I can't even sleep w/ this BS going on!!
If for some reason that your wife really feels your mom needs this money, then you actually can't have it both ways. She did elect to take it upon herself to solve the problem. It may not have been the most popular decision, but she must feel this is absolutely necessary. I think you supprt her doing it. After all, working another job will also bring more money to the house. Try it. It's better than El Paso. Family break up can't be the answer for this.
Old Man Yelling at Clouds
Joined: Apr 2007
Posts: 16,973
Likes: 7,362
From: Seattle, WA
Originally Posted by Shift_it
All -
I sat down today w/ the wife. Broke down our expenses and showed her on paper what we make and what we spend (must have)
We balanced out to couple dollars and that did not include going out on weekends or putting clothes on the kids, home repairs and whats not.... ect, ect...
She came @ me in the end saying "Its not like I want to send her money all the time"
I told her we send her $50.00 last month. She said prove it. OK........ got the check-book out and here is the check number 1111 amount of $50.00
Yes--- last month. She got quite quick. Shit hits the fan when I am budgeting the funds in our account. I know what hell goes on!! Play me as if I was stupid!
So - I told her I wanted to make sure we're taken care of before someone else is in need of help. I really can't say she respected that! She then stated she'll get another job to make more money to send off to her mom.
Then I told her, so you'll give up the time being w/ the kids as I did in the past to not see them go through school?!?!?!
I told her... do what-ever you need to do! I even offered her to pack her shit and move to El Paso, live close to your mom and help out and see if thats your lifestyle you want. But just make sure the kids stay here.
My wife is stubborn hispanic woman, but I think most of them are from all my buddies that either date or married to them
My own mom even offered to move in with them, save money, go to school full time (finish up) and wife says NO WAY!! Some reason my wife and mom don't click the best when living together, b/c my mom is so old fashion and always presents saving money. Which really, not a bad thing.
All we @ one time we're like the jones's. You guys know that MC-Hammer commercial about "Nationwide ; life comes at you fast"? Heh,.,,, shit is sooooooOOOO true! Life can bite you in the ass so quick and involving her mom into the "SHIFT_IT" money funds is not a no-go!
All I can say for now. Hell I can't even sleep w/ this BS going on!!
I sat down today w/ the wife. Broke down our expenses and showed her on paper what we make and what we spend (must have)
We balanced out to couple dollars and that did not include going out on weekends or putting clothes on the kids, home repairs and whats not.... ect, ect...
She came @ me in the end saying "Its not like I want to send her money all the time"
I told her we send her $50.00 last month. She said prove it. OK........ got the check-book out and here is the check number 1111 amount of $50.00
Yes--- last month. She got quite quick. Shit hits the fan when I am budgeting the funds in our account. I know what hell goes on!! Play me as if I was stupid!
So - I told her I wanted to make sure we're taken care of before someone else is in need of help. I really can't say she respected that! She then stated she'll get another job to make more money to send off to her mom.
Then I told her, so you'll give up the time being w/ the kids as I did in the past to not see them go through school?!?!?!
I told her... do what-ever you need to do! I even offered her to pack her shit and move to El Paso, live close to your mom and help out and see if thats your lifestyle you want. But just make sure the kids stay here.
My wife is stubborn hispanic woman, but I think most of them are from all my buddies that either date or married to them
My own mom even offered to move in with them, save money, go to school full time (finish up) and wife says NO WAY!! Some reason my wife and mom don't click the best when living together, b/c my mom is so old fashion and always presents saving money. Which really, not a bad thing.
All we @ one time we're like the jones's. You guys know that MC-Hammer commercial about "Nationwide ; life comes at you fast"? Heh,.,,, shit is sooooooOOOO true! Life can bite you in the ass so quick and involving her mom into the "SHIFT_IT" money funds is not a no-go!
All I can say for now. Hell I can't even sleep w/ this BS going on!!
Becareful about appearing to not care about what she does. She got a bit of logic, but it's still an emotional issue. The best thing is to stand by her first. Coach and try to change second. It will come along. It will hit her one month when you don't have the money to do something because it's "going to your mom". This isn't one of those situations where you're going to be able to talk her into it. She's going to have to learn it herself. Lead her there.
Suzuka Master
Joined: Aug 2007
Posts: 6,732
Likes: 233
From: Massachusetts
Originally Posted by darksom1
So you had the sit down and you showed your wife there is no money. Your wife said she will get a part time job to help her mom out. You said that will cause her not to be there spending time with the kids.
If for some reason that your wife really feels your mom needs this money, then you actually can't have it both ways. She did elect to take it upon herself to solve the problem. It may not have been the most popular decision, but she must feel this is absolutely necessary. I think you supprt her doing it. After all, working another job will also bring more money to the house. Try it. It's better than El Paso. Family break up can't be the answer for this.
If for some reason that your wife really feels your mom needs this money, then you actually can't have it both ways. She did elect to take it upon herself to solve the problem. It may not have been the most popular decision, but she must feel this is absolutely necessary. I think you supprt her doing it. After all, working another job will also bring more money to the house. Try it. It's better than El Paso. Family break up can't be the answer for this.
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
Originally Posted by TzarChasm
Every time I'm ready to swear you are a complete idiot, you go and post something that makes sence.
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
Originally Posted by SakiGT
Dude, you realize it is no longer about the money anymore, right?
Do yourself a favor. "Find" $50 in your budget. Work an extra hour of overtime a week, cash in a PTO, eat a beans and rice dinner with plantains instead of steak - send the mother $100 every other month.
Its really...REALLY not worth all the arguing thats going on.
Do yourself a favor. "Find" $50 in your budget. Work an extra hour of overtime a week, cash in a PTO, eat a beans and rice dinner with plantains instead of steak - send the mother $100 every other month.
Its really...REALLY not worth all the arguing thats going on.
How about a more feasible solution?
Such as allowing the wife to get the part time job to support her mom. That will not only make more money for the mom, but create more capital for the household budget. That's a sensible, and reasonable solution. Not an emotional one, or one done out of desperation so the argument can be over. Yes, this needs to be decided on so that it stops tearing the family apart, but it will not "go away" on it's on. It requires a realistic solution for that, and I think the wife has provided one.
And it is NOT for you to decide what is worth it to him and his wife or their family. What will make you upset is not the same as what will make him/her upset, and this matter was going on far longer than you have been reading up on it.
It is the basic response from this forum to tell this guy whether or not he should send money to the mom and ignore the unmitigated factors surrounding this. That is not helping him. He needs a solution that works for EVERYONE involved.
Not just him.
Not just the wife.
Not just the mom.
Everyone.
Suzuka Master
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 5,115
Likes: 0
Originally Posted by darksom1
And you are budgeting for him now Saki? After he has already stated that they have both poured over the budget and found nothing? And this solution should be done for the sake of argument? Your solution calls for them to live to the nickel each payday allowing no room for their own difficulties that arise week to week, especially with children in the home.
How about a more feasible solution?
Such as allowing the wife to get the part time job to support her mom. That will not only make more money for the mom, but create more capital for the household budget. That's a sensible, and reasonable solution. Not an emotional one, or one done out of desperation so the argument can be over. Yes, this needs to be decided on so that it stops tearing the family apart, but it will not "go away" on it's on. It requires a realistic solution for that, and I think the wife has provided one.
And it is NOT for you to decide what is worth it to him and his wife or their family. What will make you upset is not the same as what will make him/her upset, and this matter was going on far longer than you have been reading up on it.
It is the basic response from this forum to tell this guy whether or not he should send money to the mom and ignore the unmitigated factors surrounding this. That is not helping him. He needs a solution that works for EVERYONE involved.
Not just him.
Not just the wife.
Not just the mom.
Everyone.
How about a more feasible solution?
Such as allowing the wife to get the part time job to support her mom. That will not only make more money for the mom, but create more capital for the household budget. That's a sensible, and reasonable solution. Not an emotional one, or one done out of desperation so the argument can be over. Yes, this needs to be decided on so that it stops tearing the family apart, but it will not "go away" on it's on. It requires a realistic solution for that, and I think the wife has provided one.
And it is NOT for you to decide what is worth it to him and his wife or their family. What will make you upset is not the same as what will make him/her upset, and this matter was going on far longer than you have been reading up on it.
It is the basic response from this forum to tell this guy whether or not he should send money to the mom and ignore the unmitigated factors surrounding this. That is not helping him. He needs a solution that works for EVERYONE involved.
Not just him.
Not just the wife.
Not just the mom.
Everyone.
Now its his problem to find a little extra money.
Its going to have to be done, or theyll just continue fighting over $50. Divorce is a lot more expensive than that.
Its her mother. Wifey has her own personal reasons for wanting to send money. Either the OP can realize this or he cant. If he cant understand why its important to her, he might as well save $50 a month for a lawyer instead.
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
Originally Posted by SakiGT
He doesnt want her to get a part time job.
Now its his problem to find a little extra money.
Its going to have to be done, or theyll just continue fighting over $50. Divorce is a lot more expensive than that.
Its her mother. Wifey has her own personal reasons for wanting to send money. Either the OP can realize this or he cant. If he cant understand why its important to her, he might as well save $50 a month for a lawyer instead.
Now its his problem to find a little extra money.
Its going to have to be done, or theyll just continue fighting over $50. Divorce is a lot more expensive than that.
Its her mother. Wifey has her own personal reasons for wanting to send money. Either the OP can realize this or he cant. If he cant understand why its important to her, he might as well save $50 a month for a lawyer instead.
I think their problems run much deeper than what is said here though...so divorce might be inevitable. Again, this fight has been going on much longer than we have been reading up on it, so who knows...
Thread Starter
Racer
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 431
Likes: 0
No need to argue and all the opinions are just ... well, opinions but if gives me options.
I did last night, go into my safe, pulled out $100.00 (which I saved for my son and I trip in two-weeks "upcoming").
I told her that here is $100.00, but I am not going to send it all at once. I will send $60 today and the other $40.00 next month and I told her this is "IT" for some time.
I never get my way. Where we live (State) I am not happy. I been pushing her to move and try something different (remember I said I want to be more Independant), will my GOAL next year 2009; I want it to happen. It's not going to be about her, her cousins, their mommas or her's. I want our life, if she does not compromise with this, then so be what the next draw will be.....
Time's tickin and my funds are not get any big when other members of our family are trying to dig into our pockets!
I'm bout to tell her momma to enroll w/ Aflac and make it there problem!
I did last night, go into my safe, pulled out $100.00 (which I saved for my son and I trip in two-weeks "upcoming").
I told her that here is $100.00, but I am not going to send it all at once. I will send $60 today and the other $40.00 next month and I told her this is "IT" for some time.
I never get my way. Where we live (State) I am not happy. I been pushing her to move and try something different (remember I said I want to be more Independant), will my GOAL next year 2009; I want it to happen. It's not going to be about her, her cousins, their mommas or her's. I want our life, if she does not compromise with this, then so be what the next draw will be.....
Time's tickin and my funds are not get any big when other members of our family are trying to dig into our pockets!
I'm bout to tell her momma to enroll w/ Aflac and make it there problem!
Originally Posted by SakiGT
Like I said before, it aint about the money.
Darksom, you have NOT been there discussing cash with the woman you love, live with, and share a life with. And fighting over money is retarded. It never ends well. OP, I know you will do what's right in the end. But I know cash is already on your mind. There is no need to have conflict at home as well.
You did good by showing her all the numbers. I think that was a positive step.
I really think you should consider her working a bit more. YES, she will probably miss a bit of your kids. They will be OK. Kids have parents that work, and they turn out OK. And, it is not a long term thing. Short term sacrifice for a long term gain my friend.
Originally Posted by Shift_it
I never get my way. Where we live (State) I am not happy. I been pushing her to move and try something different (remember I said I want to be more Independant), will my GOAL next year 2009; I want it to happen. It's not going to be about her, her cousins, their mommas or her's. I want our life, if she does not compromise with this, then so be what the next draw will be.....
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
Originally Posted by RaviNJCLs
Darksom, you have NOT been there discussing cash with the woman you love, live with, and share a life with.
I could crush that presumption easily. But that would make this about me, and we are not talking about me are we Ravi?
Observation: If you people on this forum put just as much faith and energy in your argument or opinion on the SUBJECT, as you do in your personal attacks on people who don't share your views in order to get others to see YOUR point or laugh at you, we might be able to help this guy out, as well as others who post threads in this forum...which is why I assumed we all are chiming in here? You guys may not know it, think about it or care about it, but some people actually read what you type in here and think about using that in their problem solving. So how about we stick to that and not how I feel about fucking or my perceived knowledge of women and home life, of which you couldn't possibly have an idea. Make sense?
is learning to moonwalk i
Joined: Feb 2004
Posts: 15,520
Likes: 3
From: SoCal
IIRC, darksom was married, so he's probably gone through a few of the situations he gives advice on. Regardless, I take everyone's advice with a grain of salt. Most people here, myself included, offer advice that we personally would have a tough time following, even if we believe it is the most logical course of action.
I think the main point of contention between what darksom has been suggesting and what others have been suggesting is now moot - the wife offered to work for extra money to send and the OP shot that idea down. IMHO, that was a bad move and now the weight of earning extra income rests entirely on his shoulders. Let the wife take a PT job for a while and see how much harder she has to work to support her mother. My guess is it won't take long before she decides it isn't worth it.
That aside, it does seem as if there are other underlying issues, as Ravi and Saki noted. I'm not sure the current issue will be completely resolved without finding and dealing with those other issues. Hopefully that isn't the case the money situation can be dealt with first, allowing the other issues to be tackled without this one hanging over their heads.
I think the main point of contention between what darksom has been suggesting and what others have been suggesting is now moot - the wife offered to work for extra money to send and the OP shot that idea down. IMHO, that was a bad move and now the weight of earning extra income rests entirely on his shoulders. Let the wife take a PT job for a while and see how much harder she has to work to support her mother. My guess is it won't take long before she decides it isn't worth it.
That aside, it does seem as if there are other underlying issues, as Ravi and Saki noted. I'm not sure the current issue will be completely resolved without finding and dealing with those other issues. Hopefully that isn't the case the money situation can be dealt with first, allowing the other issues to be tackled without this one hanging over their heads.
~Da Nocturnal Cheetah~
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 6,798
Likes: 4
From: Germantown, MD
I kinda get the feeling the OP is pretty much resigned to accepting his losses and rolling out. I hope not, but it is not for me to say because I am not there in the trenches with him going thru "the rest" of the stuff that's happening in there, any of it for that matter. To him I just say good luck.