Am I right?


My relationship is a little different.

My wife; Which I been married now for over 11 years, so please keep that in mind.
We have two children, ages 5 & 10.

About 3-years ago, my wife and her closest aunt helped get citizenship / residence for her mom (lived in Mexico), which was never around for her (my wife) as she grew up.

All, we spent well over $600.00 to get the residents to live in the US, on top of that my wife expected her to move out here to Austin to help us out w/ our kids / day care ect…

Well, NOT so fast. Find out months and months ago, my wife’s mom still lives in Mexico w/ my wife’s half brother. Maybe (her mom) hoping we pay for him also to get citizenship?? haha not a chance!!

All – wife and I got into a huge fight because my wife, AGAIN wanted to send her money. I mean it is not much, but little here and little there every month and then I feel like we’re her damn ATM Machine! I was so PISSED.
(wife always says "it's still her mom") lalalala!!

My wife does not get paid no-where as much as she did a year ago. Coming from 45K to about 22K now. I make the cash, but we barely make it ourselves. I think her family thinks that since we have a 2-story home, nice neighborhood and swimming pool in the backyard they think we could help. I don’t care if “this is the MEXICAN” way and if we should support our elders, but I am trying my best to do everything for our kids by investing time with them, putting what little we have to invest into there future. Keep in mind we barely make it ourselves. We filed for Bankruptcy couple months back and still hardly make it.

My wife is all pissed off now because we cannot send a little. We’ll, we been sending little here, little there for over the years. Does the $hit end?!?!?!

I had a talk w/ my mum’s about it. She said in her honest opinion that since her mom was never there for her and giving her up to her (2) aunts when she was 8 yrs old should no owe her ca-ca. My mom which is Asian race believes in family support each other, but this relationship w/ wife and mom and ATM machine just gone to far.

On top of that, about 6-years ago, took in one of her cousins to have him start a better life, live free off us and make something out of himself. We’ll that happed successfully and he’s now a manager @ Circuit City. This alone to me is a favor done from one of her AUNT’s that raised her when her momma didn’t.

Don’t get me wrong; he mom is really kind, but I do not see what time and money into her citizenship if she does not make nothing out of it. Which as I said earlier, her mom still lives in Mexico.

So I tried to talk to her, but she’s all pissy. I told her maybe you can send what ever you want, but now doing separate bank accounts.
To me this is like investing into ENRON!! (sad)

All – am I the bad guy here?

 

I need cliffs even after reading it...But Im getting that your wife is asking to send money to your mom for some reason........ ?

 

yes. like we're an ATM machine.

 

You are not necessarily wrong with not wanting to send money, you are wrong in how you are handling it. Just because YOU feel like her mom was not there for her does not mean your wife feels the same. Even if she SAYS her mom wasn't there for her does not mean she FEELS that way. It's obvious how your wife feels by her "it's still my mom".

What you are doing right now is making your wife choose between you and her family. ALWAYS a big mistake. What you need to do is sit down with your wife and talk about your financial situation, explain to her why you don't think you can afford to keep sending money, and let her explain to you why she thinks you can. Maybe you can come to some sort of compromise you can both live with.

 

Thanks TzarChasm -

I tried and hard getting anything make her understand since I am the one budgeting all the payments and entertainment like (going out the eat / how much to spend on groceries).

Only thing she pounds @ me right now is I invested is a more expensive mountain bike to keep up w/ my health. Son and I ride every weekend. I eat peanut butter sandwiches every day @ work (and work out @ the company gym) and she says I can spend $1k on a bike. She acts like I just pulled it out of my A$$! I sold my old bike, my home theater to do it!! I wish I can compromise, but @ the end.... I just want differnt things out of life and for my kids. No one ever helped us when the "$hit hit the fan". Seems like her side of the family wants to lean on us or as I said earlier... they see how we live and think we are SET!! NOT so fast!! ........

I just think it gets old man. To think of it, if her mom did live w/ us. Would we have to pay her medical expensenses also? I always think ahead and I don't think I am wrong for my actions. As you can tell I am a little upset

 

Just keep in mind that you are trying to make a rational decision, while she is making an emotional decision. No matter how "wrong" it is to be sending money you really cant afford, she feels some emotional need to do this.

Maybe you can come to some sort of agreement to put aside $5 a week, or whatever makes sence. Some amount that is not going to hurt so bad to "lose" but at the same time makes her feel like she is helping a bit.

 

I don't think you are wrong. I don't think you wife is either. Family is important to people in different ways. I think your situation is very difficult. Personally, I would try to find a way to help a little, so as to avoid more conflict in your home. I think your wife will keep throwing it back at you that you spend a lot on your hobby.

That said, you and your wife need to sit down and discuss the cash situation. Let her figure out where the money will come from. Tell her that what you already have is staying (ie....the bike.) If she wants to send money to her mom, then it has to come from the make-up, clothes, eating out fund. Let her decide which one of the essentials will have to suffer. I have found that this is a good way to make someone very aware of the situation.

 

I was going to say exactly the same thing, but it seems like they need a fair amount ASAP.

 

Don't get me wrong, I can send$100 a month if more, but @ the end, I see no principal in it It's just on-going and will keep going.....


I done everything for her! Give her a big house, the better car, swimming pool. I spoil her. I had a kick a$$ job that I was going to accept in Boulder, CO, but she wanted to stay in crap-hole Austin because it was close to family. I don't know what happen to her, but ever since her family members came around, I cannot seem to accomplish anything. It sounds like it's all about "I", but in reality, I want it for "US" just "US". I really want to be more independant and thats including being away from my parents also. I had the managment postition lined up and had to decline it b/c of her.

Family help I can see and time 2 time it's acceptable. Hell my parents live on 2 miles away and I don't see them much. My mom had been a great help to us w/ day care needs and she enjoys being around the kids.

As for the hobby, its the only way to keep sane.

All in all I am glad I can vent here online.

 

^^^^

Sounds tough. I'm glad none of our family live close to me and my wife. My mom visits a couple times a year. And we go visit her family a couple times a year. That said, I'm sure if someone in her family needed help, I would do my best to help. But there is a limit. Seems like you are getting to the point of exceeding that limit. You need to let her know that.

 

It's a challenge. I been trying to get my kids an account to have college funds, but at the end of all we don't have $$$. Enough to make it from month to month, but when wife accepted that severance from her job her field of work just been very low paid. So we're not living as wealthy and I am sure I am not the only one.

You're pretty lucky to not live close, but close enough to visit maybe once a year. It's what I want, but love to be two-three states away

Great for the vacations, but not close enough to borrow some "brown sugar"

 

Ok, when I first read this, I thought you could not afford to send her mom the money. That would have made you right.

But it seems, from your last post, that you can afford it, and don't want to send it out of principle. Which means, this is just about how you personally feel about the situation. Which makes you wrong. That's her mother, regardless of how you feel about her.

What serves the best interest of your immediate household is always the most important thing in matters such as this. After you take care of home, then you see what you can do for others.

Having said that, if the money being sent to her mom is for a cause, then I say do it. But if it is just to send her mom money each month, oh hell no! Especially since you said that you sent her $600 to come here and that never happened. And why did that not happen by the way? Did your wife answer that? You can't just say no we're not helping your mother. She also can't just say that we are sending the money because it's my mom. You both owe each other valid reasons to support your argument. Plus, you have to remember that she is from a different family or culture than you, with possibly different family values. Whether they make sense to you or not. At some point, you are going to have to stop this downward spiral from leading to your household division...and possibly divorce. Don't ask her to choose blindly, help her see. If you are sincere, she may eventually see that you are not just "hoarding" the money for yourself. Your own attitude will go a long way in helping resolve this. You may not like her family, but you love your wife right? So you have to do something besides beat your chest and say no.

Ravi said something that I definitely would have said. I would first ask her to tell you why she wants to send the money (what cause). Then I would ask her if you think we can afford to continuously send your mom this money, show it to me in the budget where we have it. Not with pointing fingers at what's done, but in black and white what we have now and will have. Go thru the expenses and show me.

If she can give you a reason other than it's my mom, and she can show you the leeway in the budget, then you have to comply, or rather it would be the wisest choice for harmony in your home. I didn't say you would like the decision, it's just the best one if she can do that.

 

Hell yeh. I liked having my sister close when we lived in Jersey. She would come spend a couple nights with us almost every month because of her job. It was free baby sitting for us. The thing is, I don't think my wife, or I look at it as an imposition. My wife actually told my mom that she has a place to live with us whenever she is ready to move to the US.

I think if an opertunity comes up for you in a different state, you need to try to do a good job at selling her on it. I think it will definitely help you.

 

This makes it sound like you really CANNOT afford to be sending $100 a month. Not that you should have to anyway. Helping family for a period of time is one thing, supporting them is another. I would not want to have to do it.

My suggestion is to listen to Ravin's suggestion and have your wife figure out what she is willing to give up out of what she normally spends, in order to send that to her mother. But be gentile about it.

 

darksom1 - The only reason why I can see why her mom will not live in the States is because of her 30 year old son. As he was the one supporting her mom for the last 18+ years (I suspect).

I talked to her other Aunt that lives in Ft. Polk, LA and she's the only one that says we need to stop and just go on with our lives. We done enough.

You know what chaps my HIDE? Her other Aunt (lives in El Paso) which her mom lives in Juarez came to visit back in May "08". I saw her momma smoking. So where is the money we give going? Sorry, I don't want to support bad habits. They stayed for couple of days and not even once she said I like to live here with you guys to help out.

My wife highly expected for her mom to come here, help us once she got that citizenship. My wifes Aunt in LA, said she was the only stubborn one and always was.

That maybe is my wifes mom, but never raised her! Its like maybe your parents giving you away for adoption, then when you grow up and make it BIG or get famous then they ring your bell! How do you accept that? The way I see it, my wifes biggest mentor through-out her hole childhood was her Aunt from LA. Her Aunt from El Paso kept her maybe for 1 year max as a child. Her Aunt from LA at least 7 years.
But.. but in return, I mentioned about the cousin that made it big and now work @ Circuit City, that is her son. So in return, we helped right back at her. I just don't see no apperciation in any of this.....

Oh BTW.. I kinda put a excel sheet together, here is what our budget looks like:
================================================== =======


Take home per month together: 3200.oo and some change


Keep in mind I have over $300 take out every month due to family health insurance and then 401K match @ 6% (nothing giving that up)

per month
Mortgage 1300
2nd mortgage 300
car payment 280

electric 180
water 75
Home Owners Insu 10
Auto Insur 120
gas (home) 40
Phone / DSL 60
Cell phone 40

food 400 *this is being cheap
vehicle gas 200 *Very cheap / like going no where
clothes Unknown

Mom day-care help 200


Total = 3205

 

I wanted to edit my previous response, but I was too late.

If your wife wants to help someone like when she sent your mom that $600, that's something to be worked out, and may be cool. But NO ONE, NO ONE deserves a monthly allotment of the money that I go out and work hard for each day!

Even if your wife sends the money each month and not you, it's still taking away from the household. Something that could have been paid or taken care of, can't be now because of the allotment to the mom. Nope. No way. I would not do the monthly thing. One time? If it is within reason. But on the regular? Fuck no! Hold your ground, before there is no longer any ground to hold...

 

What is funny and what she suggested was this:
Recently we got one Credit Card (yes, even after bankruptcy) and only to us it for emergency (I learned) and she said that our card has 0% for one year, right? Well........ do you want to know what she wanted to use it for? Yep... some of it to give her momma!! &*^&%&^$^#$^!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Don't fucking do it. If we are strggling, my wife is supposed to understand, not put us further in the ground just because it's mom. Mom in need of surgery? Ok. Mom getting put out on the street? Ok. Groceries? Ok. But just to send her money each month to make ends meet? NO FUCKING WAY!!

 

Based on your budget, I would say you both needs to put your foot down. Your wife needs to respect that you guys have to live within your means. $3200 is a decent take home, but with a family of 4 it almost seems like chump change at times.

I would say it's OK to toss some cash to her mom at times, because that will help ease the tension between you and your wife, but you already have 2 kids. The last thing you need to do is feed your mother in law and her 30 year old "baby." He needs to get off his ass and get a JOBBY JOB.

 

We bust! I know it, but I am managing the money and making it. It's really weird. I opt to sell the house and move to something smaller, but as I look at the rental market, we're almost paying as much and living smaller apartment or house (no lie). So to me as financial reasoning; wise to stay in our home and make it. I am starting to see that pattern and the Aunt that lives in El Paso (which is close to Juarez, where he mom is at) is the calling almost every %$#&'in day chatting and I don't know what is going on.

What is weird, but actually funny; her aunt in El Paso; Her husband is a El Paso Police Officer and cheated on her and I can tell he's annoyed w/ her shit! All she does is preach to Prisoners and then all about bible study and church. So I can see why my wife can really give in listening to that all the time. We're not church go'ers, but do believe in god (no offense to the religious one's her / that's good for you).

I think I am bout to throw in the towel....

& .... take custody of my two kiddo's (most important thing to me)

 

Me, wife and kids with our house and the pool that we earned...versus mom and her cigarettes?

Shit...wife can bitch all she wants to...that shit would be coming to a screeching halt! Send her some smokes each month and call it even!

 

dont give up when times are hard. Just try to talk to your wife. When she accepted those vows she promised to God that you would be her # 1 and vice versa. And now that kids are involved (which are part of you both) those are #1's. Try and go to counseling or tell your wife to get another job to support her mom. With the economy in the shitter I'm sure the divorce rate may hsoot up due to ppl not being able to handle the added financial strain

 

put those numbers in front of her so she can see that you guys cant afford to throw away money like that

 

First off, $100 a month for your mother in law is no big deal. Dont go delving into whether she deserves it or not - your wife feels she does and this is a team effort. You have to trust her.

With that being said.

Show your wife your budget. Ask where you can cut back. If her mother is going to be a monthly expense you need to plan on that. Maybe your wife needs to work more, maybe you can only send $25 a month, maybe you need to turn up the a/c so you arent using as much electricty. If your wife feels strongly about this she will need to change her habits to build her mother into the budget.

 

She lives in Mexico, not prison.

I'm a firm believer that if you lend someone cash, or give it to them, then do not care about what they spend it on. And also, only lend or give is you can afford to do without it.

 

$100 every now and then is no big deal. $100 every month is a lot of cash.

Based on his budget it is roughly 50% of what his savings could be.

 

Right. But what I was getting at was that the dollar amount doesnt matter. His wife thinks they should send some.

However, they need to do it in the realm of possibilities, which is what my 2nd paragraph is about. I agree that $100 is too much, but for all I know they could cut back on groceries and the electricity bill and make it happen. Thats up for them to decide.

However, the OP sounded like he didnt want to give anything, which I dont think is right in this situation.

 

^^^^

Not sure they really can give anything up. Food for 4 for a month at about $400 is actually not a lot. We spend at least that much and 3 of us. But I include diapers in there.

I agree with you that maybe the only place is the electric. But they can maybe shave $25 off of that without being extremely uncomfortable.

 

Thanks guys.

As for electric bill, let me tell you this:

I have a 2-story 2200 sq ft home. master bedroom, kitchen, bathroom (showers), living room, dining room and master bedroom all down stairs.

Upstairs - 2 of the kids bedrooms, bathroom and game room.

Now lets talk electric - We turned off the theromstate upstairs. Not using upstairs for zilch! It exceeds heat temps up to 96-100 degrees.

My son - sleeps in the living room, my wife, daughter and I sleep on the bed (all downstairs). Talk about living frugal? .... not enough... ok, AC thermostat is set @ 82-83 degrees. Thats pushing it when Austin is hot (100 degree every day in JUNE & no rain).

Now the pool... I need to run the pump so it filters the water. In this type of weather and pool exposed to full 100% SUN. It's recommend to run the pump at least 8-12 hrs in the summer. I have mine set for 6 hrs a day total.

All... I am pushing it, wife is making it worse.
$100 is a lot, if you ever think about saving or putting it away for kids college funds / investment.

$400 is not much. I try to make the best of it by taking the family out @ least once a week for some pizza or chinese food.

My weekends exist of riding my bike w/ my son on the trails.


~~ I actually have a trip for my son and I up to Colorado for one whole week. It was a promise to him that if he made A's & B's in school I would take him camping and mountain bike riding. Well, we really cannot afford it, but I will have some cash, eat dehyradated food along w/ MRE's (son don't mind) and get the fu%k out of here and get my mind straight.

To all, lesson should be learned as you know whats more important; your family you live with or the ones that are related to you. In this situation, none did anythign for us. We only get call when there is a "want" ; It seems....

 

Things look a little grim there with your budget. I would say you probably can't afford $10 a month to give away for free. I don't see anything in your budget for property tax, and you say you don't know about clothes. You don't really have anything left over if you ask me. Emergency situations are bound to happen sooner or later, like a car breaks, or someone gets sick, or even when Christmas comes, and if you are living right to your max, you are not going to have that money and it's back into debt.

The problem is how to handle the fact that your wife really feels like she needs to send money. I think in some ways you go about it wrong, you seem hung up on how your wife was treated, and that should not be part of the equasion because thats YOUR feelings, let it go. You need to explain that even if her mother was the best mother ever and helped her every step of the way, you still wouldn't have the money. Because as far as I can see, you don't. If you were making $5k a month with your bills, that would be tight, but you are not even close.

The only realistic solution I can see is if your wife picks up a part time job and uses that to send her mother money. It's still money that your family obviously needs, but it shouldn't hurt as much since you don't have it now.

Good luck man, this looks tough.

 

^^^^

Property Tax is probably lumped into the mortgage.

OP - 82 to 83 degrees is nuts. We have our at 72 at nights and 75 during the days. And sometimes that's uncomfortable. I would never be able to sleep at 82-83.

 

Yea - I have my property taxes into a escrow account (included into my payment)

Xmas time, heh, this is my 1st year experiencing that. I'll probably sell one-week of vaction around Xmas to have little bit more money. Or just accept the job @ pepsi when I come back from CO and work 2-jobs. * It's not the 1st time

 

^^^

If you get paid every 2 weeks like I do, then just live for those "magic months" that you get 3 checks.

What does your wife do? Maybe that's your answer. Get her a different job. Your kids are old enough that school occupies more of their time.

 

This year my youngest will be in school. So I don't have to pay mom nothing soon (daycare)

Love those 3-checks a month. Ours just passed up.

All the jobs in her field are paying crap and all the jobs here are like $9-$12 hr; all contract / temp work also (tech field). Its been shitty if you ask me. I been thinking @ times where I just want to RESET my lifestyle and live more simpler, cheaper and value more on family time and not so much on work, stop trying to mess w/ the JONES's.
Our kids are at the age where they are heavily active and I want to be part of that! Not send money off that we don't have.

Oh... but wait, it's her MOM and we live in a bigger house then her cousins and aunts / uncles so we should send something. !! Never can live to close, they get all into the kool-aid!

 

^^^

You have another one. Mine are May and November. Same months my car insurance is due, so 50% of it is already gone.

Keep looking at jobs for your wife. My wife was catering for a couple weeks until she got her current job. Good enough pay. About the range you mentioned. She also could bartend for the catering company and get salary as well as tips. Some of it is off hours, like weekends, but you have to do what's necessary.

If you are thinking about anything extra, try looking at ref positions for soccer, or some sport. They usually pay pretty well, and you can choose when you want to work.

Having a second job sucks, but again, sometimes you have to do it. Until the middle of last year, I always had 2 jobs. It sucked. But I needed the cash for my family since my wife was a stay at home mom the first 15 months.

 

Why should he work harder to pay for her mom?

 

I'm actually suggesting he works harder so he can afford the things he wants for his family. Not his mother in law. I was referring to maybe being comfortable, having cash for Christmas, etc. And if he ends up with a bit extra to give to his wife's mom, then so be it. But I suggested it as something for him to do for the 4 people in his house.

 

Wow. There's a lot going on here.

First question - What was the reason your wife moved in with her aunt? Was it because her aunt was a citizen and you mom would have a better life? My guess is it wasn't because her mom didn't want to raise her. I could be wrong, though.

My wife is from the Phillipines and we sent money and supplies (food, clothes, gifts) every few months. It's pretty common for parents to send their kids to either live with family or make it on their own and send money back home. One of the biggest fights we had was when I said something against her spending so much on things to send home. Our financial situation isn't as tight, but we could still use the extra money.

Honestly, you can't look at the money you send the same way as an investment. You will not see any return or results from it. Think of it as charity that is helping someone (a family member at that) live a little better life. My guess is she lives in a small house that may not even have A/C and doesn't eat as well as you do.

Now, I'm not saying you should be sending $100/mo. As mentioned above, you need to talk with your wife, go over your budget and see what is reasonable to send. You cannot say no to her, but she has to realize there are limitations. Try to come to an agreement - maybe $50/mo or $100 every 2-3 months. This is not something to end an 11 year marriage over. Maybe it will take a little more sacrifice and/or another job to do this, but if you love your wife and kids, it's something you seriously need to consider.

It's a tough situation - good luck.

 

Don't do it OP!! None of these people are paying your bills for you! Some people just get caught up in the whole "image" or doing the right thing bs, that they lose focus of what's going on. That would be those people telling you to do it for mom's sake because it is unspeakable to not help out mom's! Bullshit!

It's one thing if you were like "fuck mom's". But you are clearly not. You just don't want to be an ATM everytime there is a need, when your family is needy, too! Your family is struggling to make ends meet, as per that outline, and your wife, and these people are trying to step up YOUR family values? What about your loyalty to provide for your immediate family? No one should live paycheck to paycheck, because shit happens and you will need funds for unexpected expenses. Also for recreation so that you don't take each other's head off slaving thru the week. But if you start funneling out money monthly to other family members, with that budget, soon you will be robbing Peter to pay Paul!!

No, your wife should examine the expenses and understand that the money is not there. If we get a break here or there, fine, we can help mom's out. But to be committed to having her on "payroll"????? No fucking way! I have given my mom thousands of dollars before. Zeroed out all of her bills. So I am not beyond "helping". But this is not helping, this is making it akin to a responsibility. And that is something you can not afford to do. This isn't about morals, and it fucking kills me when people try to throw that in your face to get you to see their pont.

Bottomline, you can't afford it. As a matter of fact, something needs to be done to grant your immediate family some breathing room as far as expenses are concerned. Work on your family. If you can help mom's later do it. But your wife has no right to force this on your family because of her own selfish feelings. I would never impose on my wife like that if we could not afford it. I would get another job if it was that necessary. But I woud not take from my home. Your home comes first. So do right by it and do for others as opportunity presents itself, but not at the expense of.

 

^^ I see your point, but this is a lose/lose situation if you approach it that way.

Again, I'm not suggesting he just blindly keep sending "gov-ment checks" to the mom with no consideration to his own family needs. But to flat out ignore his wife's feeling of obligation is not going to make the overall situation any better. Remember, she is a woman, so logic will not win in this case (tongue-in-cheek)

A serious conversation with hard numbers and budget are needed, but don't expect to get away with not sending anything. This will definitely cause resentment, if not break up the family. I know that's not what the OP is after, even if it was brought up as a last resort option. "Forbidding" her from sending money will only make the situation worse.