So ya, my bad for posting the A-CL thread in Ramblings instead of the Rel & Dating section, didn't realize it was there! I feel like such a noob! (at 500+ i guess I am)

Back to the purpose of this thread, I need advice. I got 3 problems...and I feel no ways about telling everyone about it, cuz I need help!

There are 3 guys that I am interested in, One is a friend, one a former flame and the other, well, we ended on bad terms.

The "friend" was having problems with his sig/other and turned to me for advice and I helped him out, and he came back to me and said, "I might havebeen better off if I hooked up with you instead?" he said it just like that, in the form of a question.

The "former flame" is in a bad relationship right now and comes in and out of my life. He always comes back saying the same thing, that he wants to hook up, but nothing ever materializes. He's still in his current relationship, but it's going nowhere.

The "ended on bad terms" guy, well, he is a piece of work, he apparently "forgets" our last conversation when he said that he was going through a lot of stress at the time and can't take any more, and then told me not to talk to him anymore if I thought he was a bad person. I just wished him well and said take care. Now he calls me after all this time and asks why I haven't called him (he "lost" my number when he was moving). He wants to hook up just to chill, and "see where things go". I don't know if I want to go that route b/c he had a lot of drama when we were talking, and some of that ish freaked me out!

So now you have the history on these guys, here is the dilemma...I really want to be with the former flame but he has a bad habit of coming and going without so much of a "hey, I'm gonna be out of the country for 4mos, see you when I get back," We started as friends and then it progressed...but we grew apart. The "ended on bad terms" guy has potential , but has drama, and is too secretive. The "friend", he's grown on me...but I dunno.

The advice I need, is how do I go about approaching these guys? Ya I know, i a 27 year old female asking for help on a TSX forum, but, I don't want to go to my girlfriends with this, they all have their own opinions of the 3 men, I can't go to my guy friends cuz, the closest ones I have are the ones involved.

I need your help! All responses welcomed, but please, be nice

 

Go with the friend. You already know what you're gonna get with the other two and leopards don't change their spots.

 

Just my ...

The guy you "ended on bad terms" - probably not the best idea to restart a relationship with him. It seems like you're just asking for trouble for starting something up with somebody who likes to "forget" things that they don't like.

As for the "former flame", it might be best to let him end his relationship first before starting anything with him. And if nothing else, it'll give you more time to think about him. Just be there for him so he knows you're still there.

And finally, for your "friend", I guess the same thing applies, but as a friend, sometimes, you have to be extra careful. He might have been serious about the comment, he might not be. It's always a bit tougher when it comes to friends - especially when you don't want to mess things up. Perhaps it's best to just start spending more time with him, maybe see if he's really interested.

And good luck! Relationships can be hard to start, but very rewarding if they go right.

(As you can tell, I'm more into the wait and see attitude - I'm probably sure other people will vote for the more aggressive attitude. )

 

But with the friend, it sounds like he's still in a relationship. It sounds like with all 3, none of them are ideal either with their current situation or their past behavior and tendencies. Of course, if you have strong feelings towards one or all of them, it's a lot tougher.

I'm more the relaxed type. If you're not really looking, things are more likely to happen. Live and love life, have fun, and things will happen. =)

 

I don't think any of them sound good for you. The two former flames should be that former. Ex's can be a convenient form of affection but they are just too much trouble. Cut that off, and move on!!

The friend is probably not a good idea because he's in a relationship. You could be the rebound? That's not good because it most likely won't go any where and you could loose a friend. You are a beautiful women and should have not trouble finding a nice man.

Take care Pinky.

 

hey, 27 year olds need advice too, don't be discouraged...

Personally, I think none of the guys seem very good for a stable, nuturing relationship, from what you have said. The friend is the worst of the evils... do you know his sig other? If not, it might be alright, but if you do know her, that might not be so good... you know how women are... because... you are one. It seems like you know the "friend" pretty well, which is the assumption I'm going with. If you really get along with him very well, it might be worth a shot. Of course, I don't have to tell you that every guy has issues much like every woman does as well.

The other two bring too much baggage along for the ride, especially at your age when some of the drama should be winding down.

It's your call... if it were me, I would probably go with former flame since I ususally make the wrong choice.

Junkster, whose learn to make a decision, then go the other direction

 

Thanks all, I appreciate it, you all have excellent suggestions...I view myself as the relaxed type as well, I was perfectly fine with being single and not looking, but all of a sudden these men come out of the woodwork. There is another guy who's calling me down, but I don't want him in the picture.

I was kinda iffy on posting here, but when the opportunity came I jumped on it. been contemplating on posting at A-CL, but was afraid of the responses. I guess that's why Minch came here too .

 

I agree with Junkster on "D, none of the above". Each one has some associated baggage. It sounds like you're not looking for that, and you just need someone to tell you so. I'm sure there's plenty of other guys in Toronto. Good luck.

 

I'd also say don't get with any of them. Old relationships usually end for a reason so there is no point in going back down that road...especially if you have doubts as it is. Also, you said that the only good guy friend you have is the one you are now kind of interested in, would you want to lose him as a friend if things don't work out?

 

The thing is, the "old flame" wasn't my boyfriend technically, I guess I didn't explain it properly... view him as unfinished business, because we were never actually together. We never talked about hooking up, we were/are really close friends and we both agreed that there was something there but never acted on it. My fear is that I will regret it if I didn't at least try. And I agree, I don't want to deal with someone who is still involved, he would have to cut her loose if he wants a piece of me

 

Definetley don't go with the "bad terms" boy because he doesn't sound honest, and in a relationship that is the #1 thing, even more important than loyalty.
The former flame, while it seems like someone you'd want best is not a good idea either unless you like having a bf who'll leave you without a moment's notice. Plus - I wouldn't trust a guy like that to stay true to you, especially when he's abroad.
Now the friend - this might be your best bet but I agree with KC - you could be the rebound and that could spell the end of your friendship, while the relationship won't mean a thing. Definetley do not mention the topic to him again - try to get him to bring it up, which you could do by maybe being a bit more flirtatious, but do not give him any direct signs.
If I had to rank your options it'd be, best to worst:
1. Find someone new.
2. Play it right with the friend.
3. Stay single
4. Risk it with the flame..
5. Take a chance with the bad boy.

 

No offense, but from this:
...it doesn't sound like he WANTS to be together.

Clutch, who thinks Pinky's inclined toward "old flame".

 

the "friend" seems to want you to make the first move, because what you do or say factors into what he is doing with his current situation. however, if he is not willing to commit to you emotionally, or hasn't realized or really thought through what he wants to do. are you the backup if things don't pan out with the current gf? that might mean that if you were to get with him, he might take you for granted.

the "old flame"--i don't know, but you might need to ask him point blank why he keeps in contact with you. would you wait around for this guy to figure out what he needs to do? how long has he been trying to work through his current situation?

"ended on bad terms" guy seems a bit manipulative, and changes the "facts" of what's going on between you guys to fit his argument, maybe? Sounds like a gamer, but it's hard to tell.

Good luck with things, Pinky. I agree with Max that you should look for somebody new, because it seems like none of these guys are good enough for you...

 

hey Pinky I say just stay friends with the "friend", lose the "ended badly" guy and just stay friends with the "former flame".

The "friend" isn't your first pick meaning someone else may come along that might be a better match, sounds like your settling if you pick this guy. I also don't like the fact that he is already testing the waters with you instead of working to fix his relationship or have a clean break with his current g/f.

The ended badly dude, well you broke up for a reason. Is that reason still there, and remember history tends to repeat itself. This guy maybe keeping you from meeting the right guy.

And the "former flame", well it sounds like you are close friends. But it sounds like thats all because it seems like he is a player. If he wanted to be with you he would have dumped his current g/f end of story.

I am sure you'll meet the right guy, and you shouldn't have to settle for any of the three above.

 

sounds like drama with the guys having other relationships, etc. from a guy's point of view, you're better off w/ a clean slate and no baggage. but then again, girls like drama....

 

I hear ya, point taken.

They've been having problems for about a year, and it's progressed. He's been in couseling with her but it's not going anywhere. He said he's only with her for her son's sake.

It's true...it's hard to tell, I need to find a way to approach him, just to set things straight...I don't want to lose him as a friend.

Thanks Ricecake for the advice, you all are amazing! Points for everyone!

 

I say just ride it out....chill and hang out with friends...dont be in a rush to commit to them when it seems as if all of them have thier own issues. The friends seems like he has the most potential but he could also be a rebound. If you rush into things with a friend that you have a mutual attraction to that could lead to some good sex but then the friendship would be at risk. Take your time and if you really are interested in him take your time and chill with him one on one. But dont make your move just yet.

 

Just go out and have fun. I'm no religious zealot, but I do believe we all have a purpose and to that end, what will be will be. I found my wife after a 5 year relationship ended (that at the time I wanted to restart) - if you're actively looking for it, you'll be looking for a very long time. Love finds you by surprise, that's why its called falling in love, not walking into it. I dont' know the quote but it's something to the effect that the destination doesn't matter, only the journey. Corny perhaps, but it worked pretty well for me. Stay away from Mr. Idon'tgiveashitaboutyoutocallyouandsayhi, as well as Mr. bad terms as he sounds unstable. With the friend, you risk your friendship so if it's worht it to ya then go for it but I agree with the others - sit back and let the good times roll, it'll happen when it's supposed to.