Oil change.....
10-17-2012, 10:33 PM
#1
Oil change.....
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00
TOTAL -- $4165.00
BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
MONEY SPENT
Oil Change $20.00 Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50 00
2) Stop by 7-11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it to be recycle!
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
MONEY SPENT
Parts $50.00 DUI $2500.00 Impound fee $75.00 Bail $1500.00 Beer $40.00
TOTAL -- $4165.00
BUT YOU KNOW THE JOB WAS DONE RIGHT
The following 7 users liked this post by Asian Candy:
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10-17-2012, 11:59 PM
#2
Drifting
Yikes- oil changing is probably not a great activity for an Alcoholic- but for the rest of us it's not that bad. I have been changing my oil for 20 years and it's much simpler than that- even my first time changing oil was easier than that.
1. Get some old newspaper to catch any drips and buy or borrow some ramps to make things easier
2. Get your trusty oil drain container- you can buy one at Walmart for $5
3. Get a couple of paper towels to clean your hands
4. Optionally put on some rubber gloves to keep your hands clean- buy a box of $30 for $4.00 at Walmart
5. You'll need a 3/8 ratchet with a 17mm socket
6. You should buy a oil filter socket which fits on the end of the filter and works like a normal socket- might cost you $5
7. Buy (good) oil and keep that on hand- ideally you buy it on sale and can stock up
8. Drain the oil by using the 17mm socket and ratchet- I have only dropped plug ONCE in 20 years. You're lame if you do that every time.
9. Make yourself some coffee while the oil is draining- read the paper if you do this first thing in the morning like I do.
10. replace plug- you don't need a new washer every time- I replace maybe every 4 years. Also rejoice that you actually replace the plug and did not strip the oil pan threads like what happens at Jiffy Lube often. Also rejoice that your bolt is not rounded because you used the 17mm socket and not a adjustable wrench like they might at Jiffy Lube.
11. remove the filter with your nice filter socket- no need to do items 14-21 in OP's list if you're just half-way on the ball
12. drain filter into your oil container- there's usually a handy spot that holds the filter and lets it drain for you molded in the container.
13. Use a sharpie to mark your date and mileage information on the High Quality Purolator Gold filter that you will never get at a Jiffy Lub. This way you will be confirm that the filter actually gets changed the next time somebody works on your car.
14. Replace filter- simply spin it on by hand and use the socket cap to tighten filter 1/2 turn
15. Replace oil with 4.5 quarts of high quality Mobile1 or other synthetic oil that you bought on sale for a fraction of what is charged at Jiffy Lube. Rejoice that the oil was filled to spec and not under or over filled like at Jiffy Lube.
16. Replace oil fill cap- which makes a huge mess when you forget to do that step (like what happens at Jiffy Lube on occassion)
17. Start car and verify that everything is good
18. Pour your oil into a suitable 5 gallon container that you use to store the old oil in. Go to you nearest auto parts shop/store and recycle your oil there once a year and bring home the container.
19. Store tools and throw away newspaper and paper towels along with empty oil containers and filter. You can optionally add filter to a ziplock bag and recycle via step #18.
Total time: < 45 minutes depending on how long you wait for the oil drain plug drips. If you're in a hurry you can do this in <30 minutes wihich is less time than driving to Jiffy, waiting and paying.
Drink beer later and brag to your buddies that for $30 you did a $60 Jiffy Lube job in < 45 minutes and really no hassles and you know the job was done well.
1. Get some old newspaper to catch any drips and buy or borrow some ramps to make things easier
2. Get your trusty oil drain container- you can buy one at Walmart for $5
3. Get a couple of paper towels to clean your hands
4. Optionally put on some rubber gloves to keep your hands clean- buy a box of $30 for $4.00 at Walmart
5. You'll need a 3/8 ratchet with a 17mm socket
6. You should buy a oil filter socket which fits on the end of the filter and works like a normal socket- might cost you $5
7. Buy (good) oil and keep that on hand- ideally you buy it on sale and can stock up
8. Drain the oil by using the 17mm socket and ratchet- I have only dropped plug ONCE in 20 years. You're lame if you do that every time.
9. Make yourself some coffee while the oil is draining- read the paper if you do this first thing in the morning like I do.
10. replace plug- you don't need a new washer every time- I replace maybe every 4 years. Also rejoice that you actually replace the plug and did not strip the oil pan threads like what happens at Jiffy Lube often. Also rejoice that your bolt is not rounded because you used the 17mm socket and not a adjustable wrench like they might at Jiffy Lube.
11. remove the filter with your nice filter socket- no need to do items 14-21 in OP's list if you're just half-way on the ball
12. drain filter into your oil container- there's usually a handy spot that holds the filter and lets it drain for you molded in the container.
13. Use a sharpie to mark your date and mileage information on the High Quality Purolator Gold filter that you will never get at a Jiffy Lub. This way you will be confirm that the filter actually gets changed the next time somebody works on your car.
14. Replace filter- simply spin it on by hand and use the socket cap to tighten filter 1/2 turn
15. Replace oil with 4.5 quarts of high quality Mobile1 or other synthetic oil that you bought on sale for a fraction of what is charged at Jiffy Lube. Rejoice that the oil was filled to spec and not under or over filled like at Jiffy Lube.
16. Replace oil fill cap- which makes a huge mess when you forget to do that step (like what happens at Jiffy Lube on occassion)
17. Start car and verify that everything is good
18. Pour your oil into a suitable 5 gallon container that you use to store the old oil in. Go to you nearest auto parts shop/store and recycle your oil there once a year and bring home the container.
19. Store tools and throw away newspaper and paper towels along with empty oil containers and filter. You can optionally add filter to a ziplock bag and recycle via step #18.
Total time: < 45 minutes depending on how long you wait for the oil drain plug drips. If you're in a hurry you can do this in <30 minutes wihich is less time than driving to Jiffy, waiting and paying.
Drink beer later and brag to your buddies that for $30 you did a $60 Jiffy Lube job in < 45 minutes and really no hassles and you know the job was done well.
10-18-2012, 05:12 AM
#6
Never made a DIY, so figured I would start with something simple, like an oil change... You don't even want to know all the beer and cursing involved in changing out the entire suspension and chopping up the exhaust! Lol
..... Glad some people realized it was a joke.
..... Glad some people realized it was a joke.
10-18-2012, 07:52 AM
#8
Burning Brakes
You wrote a check for $20 for a case of beer at 7-11? Sorry, you got ripped off.
And you must live near me.... two auto parts stores, Walmart, and three 7-11s within walking distance of my house.
Thanks for the LOLs.
And you must live near me.... two auto parts stores, Walmart, and three 7-11s within walking distance of my house.
Thanks for the LOLs.
10-18-2012, 07:55 AM
#9
Burning Brakes
And I think the OP is the perfect candidate for this:
https://acurazine.com/forums/2g-tsx-tires-wheels-suspension-300/who-going-do-first-870323/
https://acurazine.com/forums/2g-tsx-tires-wheels-suspension-300/who-going-do-first-870323/
10-18-2012, 10:41 AM
#12
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Somehow i manage to squeeze five or more quarts in. I have to wait until it stops coming back up through the dipstick hole then i can add more. I normally stop when i see the oil level near the top of the big hole.
10-18-2012, 09:56 PM
#17
Drifting
Not really, I just wanted to note that going to Jiffy and spending $21 might not save you time or money in the long run.
Since I actually changed my oil last night, it seemed like a good thing to give some real steps.
I'm leaving town tomorrow and had one of those miserable Dorman EZ Drain plugs on that leaked pretty bad since the last oil change which was just 3k miles ago. Had to put factory plug in or risk dripping oil all over my parent's driveway. I'm glad that is over. I skipped many of my steps since I left the original filter on and will change filter and oil again in 4k at regular MID interval. Total time: 20 minutes.
Since I actually changed my oil last night, it seemed like a good thing to give some real steps.
I'm leaving town tomorrow and had one of those miserable Dorman EZ Drain plugs on that leaked pretty bad since the last oil change which was just 3k miles ago. Had to put factory plug in or risk dripping oil all over my parent's driveway. I'm glad that is over. I skipped many of my steps since I left the original filter on and will change filter and oil again in 4k at regular MID interval. Total time: 20 minutes.
10-20-2012, 11:07 AM
#21
Burning Brakes
LOL! At least you drank the beer, not the oil.
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