If anyone remembers my posts about breaking up with my girlfriend of 6 years, I need your advice / opinion. Here is a re-cap from the old threads:

1st Thread
https://acurazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=9127

2nd Thread
https://acurazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12856

Its been 7 months now since we broke up, and i've still been depressed over the whole thing. She is still with this other guy and he is head over heels in love with her, and she eventually fell in love with him, but he loves her a lot more than she loves him; nothing close to what she felt/feels toward me. They practically live together, but she had a talk with him cause she wants to slow it down and have her space. I've been doing the no contact / ignoring her thing for a while now, though really i am still miserable inside, and i havent met anyone else yet.

Recently we started talking through email and occassional phone calls, all initiated by her. To sum it up she still has feelings for me, and there is serious talk of us possibly having a future together. She wants to start hanging out with me, and she doesnt have near as strong of feelings for other dude as for me. I havent really given her any sign of what i want to happen, other than letting her know that i still care for her.

My question is, though many of you will think i'm crazy for even considering taking her back, should i start hanging with her again to see what happens? Is it possible for her to really love 2 people? I do still love her, but i dont know if it will ever be the same now that she was with someone else. But do i risk a possible happy future together because of that? She is really starting to show interest in me now and there is definitely the possibility of getting back together with her...in a way the bacll is now in MY court. what to do...

 

Couple of thoughts:

You were with her for six years, starting when you were a teenager. After six years, she went off and discovered that having an independent social life can be fun.

You've got to do the same, because she's not going back. It doesn't mean she doesn't want you in her life, or even that she doesn't want you in the most important role in her life. It just means that she doesn't want you to be her entire life. That's what adult mature relationships are like.

The vibe I'm getting from you is that you haven't figured this out. And if I'm getting that vibe I'll bet she's getting it x10.

Until you show her that you can have an independent life as well, she's not going to be very interested. She doesn't want to get trapped in with somebody who will spend all his time thinking and worrying about her, doesn't want to have to explain herself every time she goes out with friends, and sure as hell doesn't want somebody who'll sit around waiting for her at home when she does.

The fact that she's calling and talking to you means she's interested. I'd bet that deep down inside she's mostly interested in seeing whether you've grown up a bit, and are willing to consider a relationship that isn't the same thing as the teen/college romance you had before. You've got to show her that you have.

So ask yourself: When's the last time you went out with people and did something that has nothing to do with her? Even something you know she'd hate? Because I'll guarantee you she has, and she's liked it, and she won't get back into a relationship that she believes won't give her that freedom at times.

 

You need to go on dates with other people. If you guys get back together great but I doubt it will work unless you both have grown up and discovered that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

 

Speaks a real truth here..............

Also might ask yourself what "taking her back" means- a casual dating ?(difficult given what you had before), a return to where you were? (impossible, you and she have both had time to reflect, and there is no turning back the clock) or a new start on a fresh piece of ground. Rather than looking at it as "taking her back", you might want to rephrase that - start socializing, start dating, start doing things. Dunno, but "taking her back" sounds pretty possessive.

I would also tend to go with the other two posts, and note that, at 25, you might want to see who and what else is out there - date a woman that you might not even normally think about, do things that you might never have thought of doing - loosen up some potbound roots before you see whether this young woman is "it" for the rest of your life.

 

On the real dude...why are you doing this to yourself? She may or may not be the ONE...after 6+ yrs remember it was her who decided YOU may not be the one...so what happens...she decides to jump into bed with another dude right after you guys broke up. Now she wants back...why??? She is telling you what you want to hear...because you still have feelings for her, so you listern.

You need to go out and see the real world bud...see what else or who else is out there for you...if she cares for you so much and thinks she may have make a mistake by leaving...have her wait for you...just like you have waited for her. Whats the worst that can happen? She waits for you...now you know she really cares. She does not wait for you...now you know it was never love that kept you two together in the first place.

 

I'll give you my patented advice... if you'll trade McNabb for Drew Brees

Kidding... but more seriously...

I have to agree with the above sentiments. It is easy for us to say, and knowing myself I know I'd put myself through the same mental anguish as you are. BUT have you spent time with your buds watching football/going to strip clubs/getting hammered in bars? How about being around family and their non-judgemental affection? Have you been able to distract yourself at all from the drama she's put you through? Have you gone out on a casual date with another woman? I think you need to do these things before you make any decisions.

Personally, I really think what she's doing to you sucks. She's stringing you along to make herself feel better while she's still in her "have fun, find myself" stage IMO.

I don't think you're crazy for considering taking her back, but I wouldn't advise it.

 

I'm not going to repeat what justin and jcg said but I agree 100%

 

Dude that situation sucks.

I think what you need is real closure here. Right now it sounds like you are still stuck on her which basically closes the door on any possible new relationships. It sounds like it is time to fish or cut bait. I would agree to see her and be honest with her on how you feel and how the present status of your relationship with her makes you feel. Playing games by pretending you don't have strong feelings for her will take its toll on you. A true relationship should be an honest one.

Right now she is stringing you along, it is like you are her back up guy. The idea of dating her on the down low while she is living with her current boyfriend, in the hope that something will happen between the two of you is not the way to start or rekindle a relationship. If you did get back together from doing that, ask yourself how could you possibly trust her in the future. You would always be wondering who she is hanging out with when she is not with you.

You have to be honest with her and face to face is the best way to express emoitions as phonecalls and e-mails can be mistranslated when trying to descibe how you feel. Don't waste your youth waiting for her to come around.

 

Fast forward 5 years. Would you wish you've taken her back ?

i say take her back

 

NO! 5 years from now, he'll say "Her? Oh yeah, I remember her. <turns to love of his life> I told you that story, right honey?"

 

Some great advice in this thread (Except Robert's).

The most important point being START DATING, the sooner the better. She's made your life a living hell for 7 months now, she doesn't deserve you Roger, she deserves the loser she's with now. Move on, please.

 

Who is to say he is a loser? The only loser right now is her.

 

May not be fair for me to call him a loser since I don't know the guy but Roger reffered to him a loser in those previous threads. Thats why I'm calling him a loser.

And yes, she's the real loser, but she's somehow managing to play two men like violins.

 

sounds like she kept you on a leash and wanted someone to fall back on since her plan B isn't working...

 

I think it's time you went fishing for some other people to date. You need to see what other opportunity there are out there for you. She's obviously not worth your time if she was willing to throw away a 6 year relationship and then hop into bed with another guy.

 

This is something i have repeatedly told her, that we would would pretty much have to start over to see if we could even really fall back in love. With everything that has happened it might not be so easy...but damn do i miss her.

 

Right now, she seems to be having fun and he seems miserable.

By that one fact, it's clear that he's on the losing end of this mess. Long term, who knows?

 

You should DEFINITELY take her back, treat her like a queen, make her fall in love with you and all that.











Then dump her like a bad habit.








Just do what your heart tells you, but remember...trick me once shame on me. Trick me twice shame on you.

 

I think you mean... "there's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

 

Dammit I pulled a George Bush!!! arrrggghhhhh!!!

 

I agree, never mind the rest of his post.

 

yeah it's supposed to be "trick me once shame on you. Trick me twice shame on me."

 

"Revenge is a dish best served cold."

 

While i have thought about this, i really couldnt purposely do something like this, especially to her. maybe i'm too soft, but it just aint me...

that's the way i feel / felt, and i've mentioned it to her before. but the thing is, she told me right from the beginning to move on and not wait around for her. she isnt expecting me to just be there if/when she's ready. but at the same time, i think she could have been counting on the fact that i was in a tough position after being in a 6 year relationship to just jump right back out there and meet someone new. she even said that if she knew i was dating someone she would probably want me back badly...

Well now i am in a really tough spot. We have talked and emailed each other ever day this week. There has been some serious discussions about everything and she wants us to start seeing each other and hanging out again. Basically, i almost definitely will have to face the choice of starting to date her again or not. God what a horrible decision. Half of me wants to tell her that its too late, that she ruined the wonderful, one-of-a-kind 6 relationship that we had. And the other half misses her so much that i would take her back in a second. I wish i could just erase the last 7 months from my memory for one night and just be with her like it used to be...

 

If that's the way you're approaching this, then walk away. It's not going to be what it used to be. Whatever it is, will be different. If you're not accepting that as the basic premise, then you need to get out.

I honestly get the feeling that she's grown up and you haven't.

 

That said, I think it probably is very difficult for you to truly "walk away" from the last six years, maybe because it means admitting that she ended the relationship. If you can't start this relationship fresh, it ain't gonna work, because of the amount of baggage you're carrying, not the least of which has to be some anger and resentment, buried under your sadness. (and, we do not know what baggage she's carrying, after all.......)

 

If you can't trust the girl to not pull something like this in the future I don't think you'll ever be truely happy with yourself and teh relationship. You'll always be looking over your shoulder and wondering what she is doing with this guy, that guy, or etc... when she isn't around you. Paranoia is a bitch. Personally, if it was me, if I couldn't trust a girl 100% I could never be with her in a serious relationship that would lead to marriage, family, etc... But that doesn't mean to couldn't use her for a bootycall now and again.

 

well that was just a fantasy/wish that i know will never happen. If i were to ever get back with her, not only would we have to start almost completely from scratch, but we would have to have a serious talk about certain things, one of them being the fact that i am not sure i will ever be OK with what has happened. I would just have to take it one day at a time and see how i feel. It may just be that my love for her will be strong enough that i will be comfortable with the past. But it is likely that there will be forever anger, resentment and awkwardness.

not really sure what you mean by this...

 

For what it's worth, here are some snippets of a couple emails she sent me last week:

#1
See I am already getting upset and this is only an email.... :-) I am just confused because I love you and I don't know what to do, that's all. I know that you thought I wasnt that involved w/ you because I dont call you that much, but that really doesnt mean that I dont think about you every day and what we had together. It's hard for me to think about us not ever being together again, I always just assumed it would end up that way, no matter what happened. I still believe that if it was 'meant to be' then it will. And I know I've told you that several times over the last 6 months. But I'm kinda just having a hard time dealing w/ this right now. Well I have to stop writing this email because I am at work. I'm sure I will talk to you later.

#2

Well, let me just say that I had no plans to reply to that email. but then i started thinking about stuff, and you know me, if something is on my mind, i have to say it. I hate it when you say things like ' i'm using you as a safety net'. you turn all the feelings that i had / have for you into nothing. and you know it's not nothing. I was very clear 7 months ago that i wanted to figure out if i wanted our relationship for the rest of my life, the way it was then. and the answer was no. you were not that person then. and you knew it. i wanted to see if we could turn things around. that was the idea. and then **** happened. right now **** does love me more than i love him. and the only reason for me not loving him as much is you. i cant replace you w/ him. it will never happen. so now here you are telling me how different things would be if we were together, how you would be all of the things that i need, and how you realize what i am looking for. so this is why i am confused. i am thinking, if we did get back together, would you in fact do all these things, or is that just something you have to say? so why wouldnt i want us together? we had such a wonderful relationship, and all of the extra things that i needed now have the potential to be there, lo and behold with my truest love for 6 years. I'd be crazy not to want it. and that's all i'm gonna say about it.

I guess the point is that if i choose to pursue her and start dating, the possibility is there. It just depends on if i think i will have regret for the rest of my life if i dont, or if we had something that good. i dunno...i'm so confused

 

Email # 2 sounds like a behavioral shopping list to me................... "would you in fact do all these things or is that just something you have to say? ............. and all of the extra things that I needed now have the potential to be there, and lo and behold............

I am of the opinion that the kind of love that establishes a basis for an enduring relationship is generally configured from unconditional love - she doesn't approach you with a checklist, there is no hidden "questionnaire", etc.

If you do start to date here, proceed with extreme caution until you can get a sense as to where she was at. and - keep in mind that the last sentense of your post suggests that there will be anger and resentment forever (your words). Hardly a basis for you to begin to risk accepting, unconditional love again.................

 

hmm...after reading those two snippets...

1. If she loved you so much...she shouldn't have left you in the first place.
2. She left you for another guy...and she expects you to have the same feelings as before and be the same guy with the same feelings she was with 7 months ago? She needs a reality check... pain takes time to heal and trust takes an even longer time to regain.

With no trust, there is no relationship.

 

Relationships are a bitch especially coming off from 6 year relationship. I've been there man... just gotta believe on yourself and always remeber .... in order to love someone --- you gotta love yourself first man... you have to find your TRUE innerself to find that. I think sticking around with her makes it worst but you have to find that move makes you happier or just down right miserable... if I were you... cut the bait...if its not meant to be... then it never was...

 

I don't think its so much she need it a timeout...which after so many yrs together is understandable. Maybe she need it more time with family and friends. But to jump out of a long term relationship and directly into another? While you were depressed all these months...she has been sleeping with another dude. That just shows me how much the ralationship meant to her...NOTHING.

We are not in your shoes, so its easy for us to talk shit...but I still don't understand why you can't just get on with life without her for the time being and just do your own thing.

 

Trust and Respect. Foundations of a good relationship. If you and her get back together will you trust her? You have to ask yourself that. Will she respect you? And most importantly, will you respect yourself? Think deep and answer these questions for yourself. If you answer honestly then you will see.

 

In a nut shell, she wants to sleep/date other people and in the end if she doesn't find someone better, she can always get back together with you. (This is how she is using you as a safety net).



Why did you tell her about the safety net? Did you think she would really admit to this? The saftey net thing is for you to analyze Roger, and help you understand that is your status with her and how you should move on. She may have feeling for you but it is clear she has stronger feeling for **** because she is still with him and not you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RogerPodacter

I was very clear 7 months ago that i wanted to figure out if i wanted our relationship for the rest of my life, the way it was then. and the answer was no. you were not that person then. and you knew it. i wanted to see if we could turn things around. that was the idea. and then **** happened.

Right here you should know it is over. You should realize it wasn't you who broke up with her, she broke up with you. If your relationship with her was worth anything she would never have been with ****.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RogerPodacter

right now **** does love me more than i love him. and the only reason for me not loving him as much is you. i cant replace you w/ him. it will never happen.

Here she is securing her safety net. She say "right now" he loves her more than him, note that is temporary, it can go either way for her. Like I said before you can never compare an "ex" to your "current" because she spent 6 years with you. This means she only has more fond memories with you, but even that is not enough for her to leave **** and be with you.

She's keeping you on a leash here. She doesn't say she loves you more, only that she doesn't love **** as much. Bottom line is she does loves ****.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RogerPodacter

so now here you are telling me how different things would be if we were together, how you would be all of the things that i need, and how you realize what i am looking for. so this is why i am confused. i am thinking, if we did get back together, would you in fact do all these things, or is that just something you have to say? so why wouldnt i want us together? we had such a wonderful relationship, and all of the extra things that i needed now have the potential to be there, lo and behold with my truest love for 6 years. I'd be crazy not to want it. and that's all i'm gonna say about it.

Here you are making promises to her about how a relationship wth you will be, this sounds like you are trying to convince her to be with you. And even with that she has doubts, because she is still with **** and not you. "truest love" she has no clue what that is. It is not something you cheat on or have doubts with. The only reason she has doubts about **** is because of what you are promising her. She isn't independently thinking of being with you, she is merely going by what you are promising her.

Roger, you are not even being honest with yourself here. It is not your choice to pursue her and start dating. You are waiting and hoping that she will come back to you, and making promises to her of the future, and that you can't possibly know. You have to be honest with yourself, for you to move on.

Look, it sounds like you have laid out to her how you feel and she still has doubts. She was the world to you for 6 years, but you have to realize it is over. It is not going to be easy, but you are wasting your youth. No matter how much we want things to stay the same, things change. And change isn't always bad it's the transition that can be complicated. You have to find someone new. Join a new gym or health club.

You remind me of the guy in the movie, Swingers. You need to get out there and meet new people.

 

Sounds like if you can't be the all that you say you will be if you're back together, then she doesn't want to get back with you. I agree with ric, on that she can't expect you to be something in order for her to get back with you... Love really should be unconditional and it looks like she is making it really hard for you.. Like, if it still doesn't work out the 2nd time, it'll still be your fault, cause you didn't live up to your promises.. That's a lose-lose situation you don't want to be in. I just can't emphasize enough how she CAN'T be putting conditions for a relationship. That's just WRONG!!!

I know relationships is a complex issue, especially a 6 year one... but, you really have to ask yourself, maybe even pray and have some QT, and figure out what will make you peaceful.. Just worrying about things will make it even worse and not good for your health.

Based on the previous threads and the e-mails, if it were me, I just forget about her and start new life. I went through a long relationship breakup and the moment I made the decision that she wasn't worth it, I felt 100 times better.

I really hope you figure out what you have to do.

 

I hear all your guys opinions. And my brain agrees, i have to move on. Now the hard part is getting my heart to agree with my brain...


As far as her still being with this other dude, you're right. She is still with him and has been for a while now. I guess the hard part is last week on the phone she has been hinting that she isnt really all about him as much and thinks about coming back to me alot.

 

she's still with the guy while she's saying all this...

 

I think the only reason she is having doubts about **** is because of the promises you are making to her. You shouldn't have to be making promises or even try to convince her to be with you.

She does not feel the same way about you the way she used to, her feelings changed and your's did not. This is why some guys don't stay friends or in contact with there ex(s) because they can not deal with the feeling they have for them. Of course she may have feelings for you but it is not the same ones that you have for her. Don't confuse her caring for your well being as wanting to get back together with you.

It's not easy letting go of someone you love, but you can't hold on to something that isn't really there.

 

I think you can see that we are all pulling for you to get over her and get through this ok. I don't think anybody here is saying to go back with her, based on the info we have.

Honestly, what would you tell your best friend if he told you his ex-girlfriend of 6 years wanted a break, and then she ended up not only dating/sleeping with another guy, she is living with him and has been for 7 months now?

Dude, you got to get over her.