You want it straight?....

Stop calling, going to his house, begging for forgiveness, or asking for an explanation. DON'T be 'one of those people' that even lots of guys here create threads about. Leave him alone! Based on your own admission, he can't give you what you're looking for anyway. You're turning into one of those crazy girls, with roller-coaster emotions, and the lack of self-control to know when to just let things be. You may be hurt, and you certainly appear co-dependent right now, but you don't need to add 'desperate', 'worthless' and 'pathetic' to that list. You are worth something with, or without him --- you need to give yourself way more credit than you do!!

By begging him for more information and asking if you really do have to live without him, you're demeaning your self-worth. Find that bag of self-esteem you've got in you, open it up, and fill it to the brim. It's no one else's job in life to entertain you or make you happy. Although a great S.O. can bring those qualities to a relationship, it's really all about being able to be happy with yourself, regardless of everyone else around you, and without counting on someone else always being there. If you aren't your own friend, as you've found, times get real tough when there aren't others to fill those qualities for you.

You've got to live with yourself until you die, while others might come and go, so why not work on finding what excites you about being you! Instead of selling your qualities to others in hope of love and affection, sell yourself to you! Love yourself before worrying about spreading that love to others. No one else can fill the void and lack of love you have for yourself, and trust me, any man you go to to seek out a relationship with WILL pick up on your lack of self-esteem and self-worth.....send that vibe to the wrong kind of man, and you will be used and abused. That doesn't sound like what you're looking for.

You've written a few posts in here lately and it really stands out just how sad and upset you've been with yourself and your life situation lately. Why not reach out to family and friends for love and support. There's no reason why you need to do this alone. If you don't feel comfortable reaching out to them, seek out a professional who can be your guide through this tough time. Things CAN get better!!

 

you're making yourself look like a fool. to him, to us, to everyone.

 

yes, please dont be one of the ones...

 

Sorry to hear how things turned out...

Now Sara, you have to get a grip of yourself! I know it's hard, but you have to be strong and accept a life without him. Stop torturing yourself with thoughts on how you failed in the relationship, how you can win him back, etc. You can't change what has already happened and the best you can do right now is to just let go. Erase his contact info in your phone and online address book. Cut him off from your life completely. Just let go! The more you cling on, the more you actually push him away. Leave with good memories of one another, not with bitterness.

Remember, you were each other's rebound - the cushion to soften the blow of a divorce. You both did develop feelings for each other. But the reality is, his priority right now is to meet the demands of raising a kid alone. You are basically competing for his time, but at this stage, he doesn't think he's ready to give you the time and attention you want. You have to accept that. Don't be stubborn about it.

Let him go, Sara.... Mourn for your loss now, but soon, you have to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.

 

Damn..you guys are right. I know you're right.

I'm not crazy, I just never felt this strongly for someone. I know he feels the same way but there is just too many obstacles in the way. I guess I have to put things in the hands of fate and move on. I very much believe that things happen for a reason and if our paths go in a different direction then it wasn't meant to be and there must be someone better somewhere. Maybe we'll even end up together at a time when we're more ready. Who knows.

I have a very very hard time being alone. It's something I'm working on but it's a slow process and it's rough. I guess that which does not kill you makes you stronger. I hate to sit and quote all those old sayings but it seems to fit the situation and it's the only way I can make sense of all this. I try to learn something from every situation no matter what the turn out.

Thank you again for the straightforward and intelligent replies. I'm doing my best to take the good advice and turn my life in the right direction.

 

I really liked the reply below - added emphasis to second a few key points.

Couple points from your "update" post - First, he didn't say "forever" because you are filling a need, and guys will put up with just about anything to have that need filled. To me, that's an answer a guy would give a girl he want's to use, and nothing more. Second, from his perspective your "snappy" reply is you punishing him for something he can't control. He has to work and raise his child. Taking flack from your g/f over it just makes a guy angry and resentful. Honestly, if it were me, I'd probably have the same reply.

So here's the deal - the only way this works is if he makes you a part of his life, not an accessory. It also only works if you can take what he can give and be happy with it. From what you've described, neither is happening or going to happen. And from what you've written, he's not able to provide what you need. Doesn't make him a bad person, doesn't make you one either. It's just not going to work. Stop trying to get water from this stone.

You seem to have all the ingredients to be a great catch for a nice guy. But you're not going to get there if you let loneliness rule your life. It's distorting your outlook on everything, and to be honest puts you at risk of being with one of those guys who really mistreats women, but you stay because even the mistreatment is better than being alone. So I'm going to go back to one of the statements I highlighted above - Sara needs to like who Sara is first and foremost - by yourself, as you are, without a guy attached. Focus on making friends. Force yourself to make social plans and get out there. It's not like you have to get 20 friends by next week. Start with one person you can hang with and go from there. And I'll bet by the time you reach that moment where you think to yourself, "I can be alone - this isn't so bad - I have friends who like me, and I like who I am" - that guy you really want will be right there in front of you.

 

100% agree. I think you need to cut ties and move on. I also think you need help for your depression. You admit that you have an issue with being sad and depressed, so think about dealing with it. You got some great advice here.

1Louder is right about you filling a need for him, so he will never say "forever." That part is what YOU need to say to yourself. Until then, don't be one of these....

 

lol..thanks..love the pic.

"Trying to get water from a stone"..good analogy..that's what I feel like I've been doing. Trying to force something to happen that I want to happen. Life doesn't work that way, I guess.

For those who mentioned it, I am and have been getting help for my issues because I'm a big enough person to admit when I need to change something and that it takes work. Right now, not talking to him is excruciating and this is the worst thing I've ever been through. Leaving my 10 year marriage was easier than this--I had been over him for years before even leaving and then it was my choice to leave. Now it's out of my hands and that sucks.

Just please keep telling me this is gonna get better. If I hear it enough I may just start believing it.

 

Well, I'm not going to sugar coat it for you.

It is NOT going to get better soon unless you start making it better. You know what you need to do. So until you cut ties with him, you are going to be miserable.

I'm not going to tell you it will get better. What I am going to tell you is that unless you move on it will get worse. Maybe the positive comments we have made didn't work. If you continue thinking there is a future here, you are going to continue to be a doormat. You will become more depressed. You will feel less worthy of happiness.

I think you have a lot to offer someone. You need to realize that.

Tough love sister....MOVE THE F**K ON!

 

Yes dear, things will be better if you choose to. Remember, it's better to be happy alone than being miserable with someone.

I posted this favorite poem of mine before, but I want to share it with you:

 

Hopefully everything will work out for you Sara. It is tough, I know..

 

Good luck Sara! I've been in your shoes in the past and posted about it earlier in the thread. I got into a relatinship too quickly after a long relationship and it was the most passionate of my life. I also got intensely emotional when things ended but given time realized that we were never even remotely close to right for eachother and the only reason things were so intense is because we both had to try so hard to make it work. That worked fine for a little while -- and it really made it feel passionate since we were both putting so much effort into making it work -- but you can't do that long term. It just makes you feel drained, tired and eventually you'll resent the relationship sucking so much out of you.

Things do get better -- but you do have to go through a lot of pain to get there if you want to make improvements in yourself. After the other thread I posted back in April about my live in girlfriend and I breaking up I took about 4 months before I started dating anyone new. In that time I even went through some counseling and read a lot of books on the subject of self improvment and moving on. They were very inspiring to me and if you want any reccomendations on books to read I'd be happy to give them. But handling things how I did and going through that pain I'm happy to report I'm dating someone and so many of the issues I faced before really aren't present: No codependence. It feels different than past relationships I've had - maybe not quite as passionate - but definitely a lot more healthy. Things can get better, you just have to put the work in!

 

*sniff* Thanks for that..very nice..

Made me think of the song "apologize" too...a music lover, I tend to use songs to get me through just about anything. Lately, it's been Sugarland's Settlin:
"I ain't settling for just getting by
I've had enough so so for the rest of my life
Tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high
Just enough ain't enough this time
I ain't settling for anything less than everything"

...have this song on repeat on my ipod..lol

 

It will get better ONLY after you allow yourself to separate from him emotionally...and grieve for the loss. Regardless of the basis for it, you did have a strong attraction to him, and the process of letting that go is not unlike that which you feel when a loved one dies. You may need to cry, scream, beat the walls...whatever you need to do to let go...but you MUST let go and you MUST give yourself time to get over him. I can't give you a timetable, because everyone deals with such things differently. But...once you've done all that, it will get better.

 

Go on a vacation, get out of your daily routine and make a change.
Don't go looking for love, love will find you.
You need to find happiness in yourself, make new friends. It may only take one new GF who introduces you to your next love.

I was married for 20 years (2 kids and got divorced) and I said I wouldn't date for a year. Well met someone as a friend (not even expecting her to be my GF let alone my next wife) and it only was 6 months after my divorce. She is now my best friend and wife. It's kinda funny that I did not look at her as anything but a friend at first, but we had lots in common and it grew from there.

Best advice is to keep yourself busy and keep your doors open. Be positive about your self. I know its hard but life will go on with out him in your life.
You need to keep this in your head: You have a lot to offer any man and that nothing is wrong with you.
To me it sounds as if you were a rebound for him to some extent. He had many commitments with his 2 kids(long hours at work) and it took time away from you spending time with him. Imagine if you were a package, would you like the lack of time together? Could you deal with all his baggage 8 months from now? Right now it seems fine but think about it long and hard. This relationship IMO was destined to fail in the next few month to a few years and would not have been a healthy one. Think of all the time/pain you saved yourself later.
Things happen for a reason and I am sure better things will come your way.

 

Well I'm back to do what I hope is my closing thoughts and an update on this saga! ;-)

First of all, I can't tell you guys enough how incredibly thankful I am for all your thoughts and comments. There were some sentences that I repeated over and over in my head that were posted here and through it all, I would come back here and re-read the comments just to try to sort through it all. Some really, really insightful and even life-changing thoughts posted here. Thank you, thank you.

That being said, I didn't take the good advice posted here right away. I ignored you all and continued to be a doormat to this person beyond my last post. I didn't "lose his number" or get over it. I continued to try to get back together and so did he. We broke up two more times. UGHHH! After the last time we broke up, I (foolishly) decided to post my profile on a dating site. (clearly I was not ready but lonely and desperate). The ex boyfriend stopped by my house to try to get back together and I was out on a date. When he found out, he freaked. I broke down and begged for forgivness. It was pathetic and the lowest I have ever sunk. Much like an alcoholic on a bender. However, just like an alkie, I hit bottom and had a moment of clarity after breaking down like that. All of a sudden it was like a light bulb and I could see how pathetic I was acting and just realized that everything really does happen for a reason. There was a reason I was out that night when he stopped by. I wasn't "supposed" to be there and he and I were not supposed to be together.

So in a nutshell, I changed my life in just a few days and now into two weeks later, I'm better than I've ever been. Not that I needed to "find myself" as many here suggested, but that I needed to take that person back. Once I accepted the situation, I found happiness in so many other things and spent more time with family and friends. It felt like a giant weight off my shoulders.

I've recently met a new guy and things are WAY different. There's no anxiety, no fear, no desperation. While things aren't as wild and passionate as they were with the other relationship, they are stable and comfortable and it's nice in a whole different way. I don't feel like I "have" to see him..I want to, and if I don't..it's ok. I thought about Tinky's story here..saying that, while it feels different, it's more healthy. Thanks for that, because if you hadn't said it, I don't think I would have realized that I had a good thing in front of me and might have gone out looking for more drama.

So wish me luck and thank you all again and again for the support.

 

^^^^

Rock bottom is always important. I wish you a lot of luck. Just take it one day at a time, and feel free to keep us posted.

 

Desperate is kinda hot though...

 

It makes chicks wet

 

I'm glad to hear you're doing well, Sara. It takes courage to seek out the kind of change you're after. Keep taking care of yourself.

 

Once you realize you have hit rock bottom, and accept it, no where to go but up. Life is full of mistakes you can learn from - do that and enjoy what you have to offer yourself. Let a relationship happen, don't make it happen.

 

Ah good to hear that Sara! Its been 8 months single to the day for me and I probably made a lot more mistakes than you did. But even after all this time i have become stronger. Still miss the girl..yea...who wouldn't? But i no longer feel that i neeeed to be with her. Its such a consoling feeling.

I still haven't met anyone else, but im ok with that. I'm not ready for anyone else right now anyways.

Im glad to hear you are doing better and hopefully this time around things work out great for you!

 

Just read this whole thread, and I'm glad to see that you finally came around and stop letting that ass walk all over you. You don't need that bs in your life, life is too short for stress and heartache like that. I am on the brinks of ending my relationship, and I hope that I can move on and reassure myself the way you finally were able to do. Good luck with the future, and even if this guy isn't the one, you can always keep looking, just remember, sometimes it's OK to be alone.

 

^

That guy was a manipulative bastard and knew exactly what he was doing to you but still continued to do it.

Good luck in the future!

 

Great to hear Sara, i'm glad you are feeling better about things! With this girl I'm seeing now, for maybe the first time in my life, i've taken things slow. But it's been very rewarding in a different kind of way. I'm actually going to meet the new girlfriends parents for the first time tonight

 

Sara, Sara, Sara...are you trying to get laid sympathetically? Now, would that be a pity-kitty-party?

Hahaha! What's up girl?! Just your boy giving you shit! Hang in there! I told you what you need!

Now handle your biz...

 

Now come on, Dark, you know damn well I don't need sympathy to get laid.




LOL..I do alright, ya know!! As for handling my biz.. consider it handled. My new guy is more than attentive to every little want and need I could have. Where's he been hiding all this time??!! It's funny--I never expected to meet someone right now and it was a meeting of sheer chance. I keep thinking what you guys have said about love falling in your lap when you least expect it. SO true!!

Thanks again everyone for the comments!