There are some real danger signs here. It seems like the farther away you are from your immediate, raw emotion, the more you both think the relationship is high-risk amd a bad idea. When you are together, you melt back into the cycle. I've been there, and understand it completely. You just can't think rationally, and the only way to break the cycle is to stay away. A healthy relationship would not have so much drama and fighting early on. Another danger sign is the fact that he said he was afraid to see you because he'd be "weak". What that says to me (from 1,000 miles away) is that his attraction is more on the physical side and his doubts are more on the rational/compatibility side. He knew that if he saw you, the rawer emotions would take over. Having been married, you probably know that the rational/emotional connection is much more important over the long haul - it is also gives the sex life longevity. When you're lonely, the physical attraction takes over and bleeds over into the emotional (ie. you feel the "intense connection"), but all the baggage will come back and thus the cycle continues. I hope I'm wrong, but I've seen it too many times, and experienced it myslef years ago.

 

I agree with all of that and even said something to him yesterday along the lines of "I don't want you to be with me for the wrong reasons and just because you can't stand to be apart." I agree the relationship is high risk but I guess we are both willing to lay our cards out for one more hand and take the gamble.

 

Well at least now you're promising to look out more for #1 in the long run, so that can only help you over time. Keep updating and good luck!

 

As long as you stay in control, both of yourself and of the relationship, you'll do fine. You're going to have to set boundaries for yourself and not cross them, not for him, not for anyone, not for any reason. It's all part of learning to love yourself and treat yourself right...without which, you can't love another.

 

 

SaraWI, does this mean you are willing to date others or will you remain exclusive? A true test of a relationship will surface once other candidates are involved.

 

Good point. We gave her 2 full pages without a request. I even let the comment about the bikini go without a pic request.

 

I can't believe after all the years on this forum with you guys, I did not see that one coming...lol

 

And after all those years on this forum...your next post should include state's evidence of your "sex appeal"!!

 

And after all these years, you guys should know how to do a thread search. If you were really curious, I'm sure you could find pics floating around...

 

I think I remember seeing your pic before. Weren't you getting into or out of a car? No chance I'll be able to find the thread but if I have it right then she's a looker guys!

 

Lol..yup..that was when I bought the TSX, I posted pics of me in the car. Thanks for the compliment.

 

I remember that now that you mentioned the thread.

 

 

Oh damn.. no you did not. LOL

I don't even look like that now..my hair is much longer

 

DAMN....












































....It's really windy in that pic.

 

here...

https://acurazine.com/forums/showthread.php?t=30517

this is the thread Mike 350z mentioned. At least show a pic that actually looks like me! lol That photo is from like 5 years ago...

Next time a guy posts a thread like this, I'm demanding photos!!

 

^^^^

Feel free. There are pics of me some place on here from a couple meets. Nothing special....slightly overweight, balding Indian guy.

 

 

Here you go Sara baby...with your lil Wisconsin ass! (I hate friggin links):

 

 

you are truly a lovely looking lady .... now, get out an enjoy life to the fullest.

 

+1! I think you should consider taking "loneliness" off you're list of worries. :wink:

 

thanks guys...

but the truth is that it doesn't matter how you look if you can't find someone to love you for who you are...

 

Sara why do you absolutely have to have love right now? Why can't you just have fun and let love happen naturally? HAVE FUN DAMMIT!

 

...ok so judging by that picture you drive a black on black tsx with navi + 6MT...

guys love a girl that drives stick (obvious dick joke pun not intended) why is it so difficult for you to meet guys?? haha.

 

I think what she is experiencing is that it is easy to find guys who will fuck her, but not ones that can love her the way she wants and needs to be loved.

What she is not understanding maybe, is that you don't find those guys. They usually find you or rather love finds you. You don't go on a scavenger hunt for it or shout out into the night air that your biological clock is ticking. You wait on it to drop sweetly on your heart just like everyone else.

That in of itself, makes the difference between something you can build on and share with someone, versus something that you only get to enjoy for a little while, and then move on.

So, put away the "labeler", no more I think "this is the one"...just go out and have a good time, fall in love along the way naturally, and stop declaring that this is it! Because it isn't...until it is and you don't necessarily get to say when...it let's you know. Takes all the work off of your shoulders right? The burden of the hunt?

One other thing...I hope you are not letting guys know that you are desperately seeking love, because they love to take advantage of that. So be smart and be sharp! Love may be around the corner! You don't wanna be typing to us on AZ when it's looking for you.

 

i got you, well put. i just thought she was more interested in meeting quantity because she seems lonely and wants to get out there and interact with a lot of people.

either way, you seem like a good person, good looking, have qualities and hobbies that would attract a man so like dark said get out there, and dont put yourself out there to get hurt, put yourself out there to have fun.

 

thanks..one of the most insightful things you've ever posted..

 

Sara - If I have the timeline right, you were married for 10 years and just became single in April, and most (if not all) of your social networks were through your husband?

This will take some time to change (as I'm sure you know). If I became single tomorrow, I wouldn't know one single woman to call in this area. I just don't cultivate relationships with single women. It might take me a few years just to get back into those circles. So I'm with Dark on this one - focus on yourself and be patient. I know it's easy advice to give and much harder to live out, but you have a lot of things going for you as 03 pointed out. You've also had a 10 year lesson on what to look for and avoid in a man. Armed with those two things, you will ultimately succeed and be happy.

I'd also offer one more caution to you - men are wired to be rescuers. They have a real soft spot for a damsel in distress. This aspect alone can be a point of attraction for a guy. The bad part is that this will wear off over time - so once you reach that point with a guy, and that aspect of attraction goes away, you run the risk of the relationship being in jeopardy. "Sorry Sara, I don't know what's changed, but I just feel differently now but I don't know why." It's because the "rescue" is complete. That "need to be loved" will lure men in, but for the wrong reason. Just be careful. If you focus on being yourself, not the damsel in distress, the right guy will find you.

 

^^^^

100%

I think everyone feels it is bad to be selfish and focus on yourself. I say that's BS. Sometimes you HAVE to be selfish. It's necessary.

 

I agree as well. I think this is a very interesting point. The guy I'm with is a "fixer" and I wonder if I was his project to fix...

I think in retrospect my guy was maybe just out dating in order to get out of the house and probably get laid but never really expected to fall in love and simply wasn't ready for it. Maybe neither of us was...

For now I'm doing some things on my own. Spent most of the weekend alone, but I did join the gym and I made some plans for next weekend with a girl friend. Went out with my guy and had a great time but I still feel like something isn't quite right. Either it will take time to mend or it will not mend at all..I guess time will tell.

I can't thank everyone enough for the insight and support. It's been a learning experience and continues to be as things progress..

 

D&R...don't leave home without it!

 

Good choice... nothing beats the blues or high stress like working out. Changes your whole attitude.

 

Sara another thing you might want to try is just straight getting your back dug out...you know...sex! you a little too tense right now baby! It doesn't have to be love, and it doesn't make you a slut! Just up to date that's all! You don't have to put a sign up, just grease and ease your mind...

Do it! - Release some fluid and calm yourself thru it! Take a hint from some leaders of the pack:

"Some fucking is good for ya..."

- Richard Pryor

"It ain't never too hot or too cold for some fucking..."

- Sweet Dick Willie

 

Well I'm back to update this thread and re-read because I'm back in that boat again (or maybe I should say falling out of that boat into the cold water again). While I did get back with my guy, we continued to have problems. I really wanted someone to be there for me more often and between him working 6 days a week, 12 hour shifts and having full custody of a kid, I was really only seeing him on weekends. By Wednesday I was so fucking sad and depressed that I would get bitchy and say snappy things about not seeing him. He told me 2 days ago after I said something like that that he "couldn't deal with my petty bullshit" and to "leave him alone and he didn't want to talk to me." After repeated attempts to reach him, I went over to his place to try to talk. He told me to leave. I asked "forever?" and he said "I don't know." I can't take not knowing what is happening. I can't. I will go crazy wondering if he still loves me and I don't know what to do anymore. I want to end this cycle of craziness but I can't seem to get off this roller coaster. I love him so much and miss him so bad it pains me to even think about it. I'm lonely and depressed. All those "alone time" things I was all hell bent about doing, I did not do. I went to the gym once in 3 weeks. I have not been out with friends at all. Someone give it to me straight so I can get out of this terrible place that I find myself in.

 

Sorry to hear. TzarChasm had the answer early in post #9 in this thread:

 

sorry to hear. I say just throw yourself out there...since you dont want to be lonely. go on a fking spree

 

A few things come to mind:

Men may be "wired" to come to a woman's rescue, but in my experience most guys don't appreciate a desperate woman, at least not in the long term, and those are the signs you're giving him. You call him repeatedly, you go to see him, and he tells you to leave. I'm guessing he wouldn't tell you "forever" because he didn't want to hurt you any more than he already did. You need to get over the notion that you will find happiness in your life only through being with a man, and in particular this man, who is making it pretty plain that he doesn't want you.

I've heard it said a lot, and it's so true: You must find love and comfort in yourself...who and what you are...before you can give love to, and receive it from, someone else. What you had with this guy wasn't love. You were both on the rebound from broken relationships and that's no basis for anything. You were using each other to try to forget what had happened when your relationships broke up...and that never works as a basis for anything long-term. The problems you two had were very predictable. You can't lower your expectations or defenses just to be with someone. That doesn't work.

I guess it's easy for me to say "be alone for a while," because I'm not the one going through this. But, that's what you need to do. Stop thinking that "I'll be all right if I just find the right guy." That's just a recipe for more emotional pain. Take some time to live and enjoy life, and stop looking for a love partner for a while. For most of the people I know (myself included), their life partners showed up where they least expected it, when they were not actively seeking someone. If you approach it from that angle, and refuse to compromise yourself just for love, it's going to work out better than you could have ever hoped for.

 

You need to learn how to enjoy life independently. It seems like you say "i cant be alone, i just cant, i cant go without him"...why not? You dont need a man to be happy.....

And as for a rule of thumb...laws of attraction....your chasing him...your showing up @ his house after he ignored you.....this is something my EX did....it was almost comical to me...

The more you chase...the less chance you ever have of finding out anything about the future with this man.

You need to "man up"...and stop talking to him cold turkey. Give him EXACTLY what he wants. He probably doesnt mean it, but once you stop trying to even talk to him...i bet things will change AND

if they don't...then be done with it! IT obviously is not working! Why do you need validation if he still loves you or not if your not going to be together? Obviously hes not meeting your needs, so why are you hurting yourself so?

Like everyone else said....there will be more. This is NOT the end of the world.

You need to re-evaluate the whole situation because at this point your going in circles.