So...A proposal hasnt happened yet, but talks of wedding funding are becoming a big cloud above our heads.

Interested to get your thoughts. (I am making the price points specific in order to answer any questions in advice)

I have a feeling that the bride to be's father may not fund any of the wedding. My parents are old fashioned and would probably not throw in a dime. Both sides of the family are very well off (top 5%), however, we are completely independent. The soon-to-be has a full boat of student loans ($200k+) that we need to pay off. It is not a major concern, however, the thought of tacking on another $100k+ debt for a wedding is ticking me off.

Long story short -- her mother passed away some time ago. Father remarried 5 years ago and threw himself somewhere in the ballpark of a 500k wedding, along with a 100k ring. At the same time, his daughter from the first marriage (my soon-to-be's sister) got married. Father did not pay a cent for her wedding. The father also refused to pay any of my STBs law school tuition, so now im holding the bag of 200k of her student loans.

Her IMMEDIATE family is roughly 75 people (due to widowed side of the family, and remarried side of the family). We priced out some weddings, and anything below $100k is going to come in at a half-ass wedding, based on an invite list that really cant be below 200 people.

The father is expecting that all sides of his family be invited, yet, he may not be willing to pay.

Do we get eloped? have a destination wedding? Or lean on the father a bit more? It seems like however we dice this up, there it is going to cause animosity between the families.

Like I said, he is very well off, and probably blows 20k a year just on european vacations. It seems unfair that he has basically cut off his daughter financially, and has left her (me) with student loans, and expectations to throw this blow out wedding comparable to his own wedding.

 

What he is doing is actually best for her. The worst thing you can do is spoil your kids and give them money.


My younger brother just married a phillipino girl looking to marry for citizenship. My parents footed the entire wedding bill themselves. They are also paying for his living because he only makes 10$ an hour. This is how your kids turn out when you pay for them. They have no ambition and no goals in life.

 

I dont see the connection...

Neither me or her lack ambition -- she is going to be a lawyer for christ sakes, without the help of anyone.

 

fuck that shit....

run away and come back married....its like 100 bucks at a court....

i love being independent and survive and enjoy with my own dime (no need of my parents or her parents to chip in) and hence telling you to do so....or tell him the farther in law (soon to be), "you can invite only 5 people, let me know what their names are so i can send out invites".....its your bloody wedding.....

by any chance are you Indian ?

 

Should of considered this before dropping 18k on a ring

 

Or you can pimp out your STB..

 

eh, its not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.

the question is the difference of funding a big ass wedding or not.

Personally, I would prefer to do a 20 person wedding in hawaii with just friends, and parlay it into a honeymoon.

Just looking for options / back up plans / words of wisdom on approaching father

 

You're spending $100k on one day....think about it. My wife and I had to fund our wedding ourselves to and ended up spending a good amount of money, but an amount that we were comfortable with and didn't need to get into debt for.

It your wedding - you're paying for it, invite whoever you and your wife want to invite, not what her father thinks she should invite. And he gives you crap - say you want to foot the bill? I am pretty sure your STB is not going to fight real hard to invite her step-mother's side of the family to the wedding if you decide to cut them out.....

 

I vote close friends and family, Hawaii.. It's your day, not your father-in-law's...a day that they won't remember, but you and your STB will...

 

well, the big kicker is that since her mother passed away when she was a child, it was all of the aunts and uncles that pooled together to raise her while the father worked violently long hours towards his success. its really all or nothing, in terms of the invite.

 

destiantion wedding, that way most people wont show up and it will be a relatively small bill...

I would say elope but it depends on what the girl wants... most girls want a somewhat nice event with pictures and memories.. but 100k is too much if it is coming out of your pocket

now if your girl doesnt care (and truly means it) then elope.. go to vegas or somewhere fun and just do something simple and cheap.. you would rather want to spend all that money on a home or even travels.. a few honeymoons

 

Do what makes you 2 happy, if you 2 want a small wedding and not to kill yourself financially, then do it. If he wants all his family to be invited, tell him he has to help foot the bill.

 

Destination wedding.

If not that, then elopement > family event.

The fact that your fiance currently has $200K+ in debt means she should not be paying for any wedding over $50, let alone a $100K wedding.

G/L.

 

Interesting how you are pissed at her old man but don't seem to care that your parents won't kick in. Or am I reading that wrong?

Weddings are over rated. Inviting a bunch of people that you only see at weddings and funerals is a big waste of money no matter what cost.

 

maybe we'll have a sitdown dinner, and then a renewal of vows with a larger wedding.

the bottom line is, it is all or nothing for the invite list. we would have to avoid a wedding entirely, it it meant that we had to invite ALL family, and pay for it ourselves. we would be setting ourselves too far back in terms of having a family, buying a house, etc. the two of us will have to come up with a solution where we are not pressuring the fathers (combined or separate) to foot the bill.

 

my wife and I payed for our own wedding. Simple, small and beautiful. Once you get into someone paying for your wedding, then you are bound to a whole different guest list.

 

Ask your parents for help. Dont invite her douchebag dad.

 

basics:

her side:
--required 75 person immediate family, aunts/uncles raised her, so cannot be less than 75 ppl.
--they will settle for simple gathering, venue not necessarily required.
--her father doesnt want to pay.

my side:
--required 20 person immediate family.
--wedding venue IS required.
--my father does not want to pay, especially if it means breaking traditional rules of footing the bill, and accommodating other side of family that is 3x+ larger.

me + STB:
--cannot afford something that satisfies both sides.
--do not want to pit the families against each other right out of the gate.

 

Punt the decision to her douche of a dad. Either you guys will elope or if he wants to have a wedding with all of her side of the family, then his cheap ass better chip in.

 

i think that may be a good step #1 to present to him after i get final approval for the engagement.

 

i think ill leave it at that for now. anything further may be beating a dead horse.

mods, please close thread. thanks.

 

both of your families suck if they are that loaded and they won't split the bill. Dude spends 600k on his own wedding, but won't front 50k for his daughter's?

 

Just got married Saturday. If you want to spend 100k on a wedding then do your thing, but we got away with 10k and had a great time with 130 people. It's about you and her not the lavish setting. Go to Hawaii with a small group and have fun

 

Sounds to me you have 2 options: delay or elope.

I mean, I never had anyone pitch in a cent to my wedding except from my own pockets as well as my bride. Must be nice to even consider approaching a parent to pay for it.

So, if you're broke as heck...well, either delay it until you have $$$ or elope which is also quite cheap. If the parents get super-offended/angry that you eloped, well, the reality is YOU HAVE NO MONEY AND HAD TO ELOPE. They should understand that...if they are 5% percentile in $$$$ they should have the brainpower and common sense to compute that and accept it.

 

Thanks for the replies, guys.

We are lucky that we have the option that at least it is feasibly possible for either end to foot the bill. This is really more so of a question of principles between each side of the family, without creating any type of angst between them.

There are realistic expectations on the families behalf to accommodate so many people at a certain grade of venue. Eloping wont make people happy, going broke to throw a 200 person wedding wont make people happy, checking off certain family members from the invite list wont make people happy, and throwing a extremely budgeted wedding after the STB's father's 500k wedding wont make people happy. If the parents want it their way, they they will have to help out.

We are all walking on very thin ice to make the union of two families a happy one. Me and the STB are putting together a game plan to approach them delicately, as it seems like the best, and only option to please everyone. If all else fails, they we are going to just do it our way, and avoid the burden.

Thanks for the replies and opinions.


Anyway, it really boils down to the character of the family members. Too much personal depth to gain advice from azine, unfortunately. Again, mods, feel free to close.

 

Calculate how much it will cost per person. Tell them you cant afford to pay for everybody, you two will pay for all the friends you want to invite, each side can pay for all the family members they want to invite.

 

Their expectations might be high and at a certain 'grade' but they are also a lot more established in their lives and it sounds like they live a very different lifestyle than you two do. So it's great that they have these expectations, but unrealistic and silly to think that you two can meet them.

Do what you can afford right now. If they mention that it's not what they're expecting or what they want, you can sit them down and explain your budget and your needs and wants. If they want anything more than what you two can afford and what you two actually want, they'll speak up and offer to help out. If they hear where you're at, aren't happy, and choose not to offer any help, then they'll also have to accept that you two need to follow your own guidelines. It doesn't need to be a messy conversation, just honest and calm. They can't argue over what you can and can't do -- you two know your financial situation best.

Keep in mind though that they don't NEED to help out. It sounds like you don't want to say it out loud, but you have the expectation that they will help foot the bill. They don't need to - it's totally up to them, regardless of how much that's not what you want to hear.



It also boils down to your character. It's your wedding. They've made it clear that they aren't going to offer any financial assistance. How much debt you and your S.O. choose to place yourself in over a 12 hour party, is your choice. I understand it's hard to please both sides and that it can be very emotional, but it still comes down to what you can afford.

Just like with the ring thread, you sound very much like you're living a lot of this proposal/marriage phase in the shadow of everyone else's life and expectations. How much others spend on their wedding is their business. You need to stop feeling like you have to live up to what her family is doing....you're not them.


Who cares if your S.O.'s father spent $500,000 on his wedding and your budget is $50,000 or lower ($50,000 is still pretty expensive!). He's probably also double your age and obviously has the means to spend that much on one day. You sound somewhat bitter about that fact. Swallow your pride and live by your own rules.
No reason to close the thread...

 

Sorry dude but you need to take a step back and read what you have written and then come back and explain why you are trying to justify spending a lot on a wedding.

You are in debt from student loans.

You do not have the CASH to pay for the wedding, so more debt.

You just spent 3 times what I spent for my wife's engagement ring. More debt?

If you 2 love each other, want to spend your life together and want to do it soon....then elope. If anyone gets upset....send them a big ass FU card. This is yours and your wife to be's decision ONLY. Do not let other people influence you.

If your finance wants a big wedding then wait until you can afford it. Do not wait around for your family to pitch in. Doesn't seem like I would want to owe any of them anything.

Good luck.

 

Yeah...have no idea why you would spend $20,000 on a ring when your wife has $200,000 in debt hanging over her/your head + whatever you might owe. Nuts. Then you want to spend a fortunate on a wedding. Add to that a mortgage/rent, every day living costs, etc.... Don't you want to be relatively debt-free in the future?

The ring is gorgeous....but your priorities seem out of whack.

 

FYI - I got married in a B&B in VA with 30 people I really wanted at our wedding. I got to spend time with EVERY person at my wedding and would not have traded it for the world. And it cost less than $5K. You do not need to spend a lot of money to make a day special.

My family is enormous and so is my wife's. We just couldn't afford it and felt it was more important to get married with our closest friends and family instead of a cousin I see once every 5 years. A lot of people were pissed. Now I have less Christmas cards to send out.

 

well said Ravi