At first I wasn't going to start my own "I'm back" thread, because I felt it was too postwhorish, but then I realized I do have an irking dilemma, that I would love to share with my fellow AZer's

FYI Since I last left AZ back in July since I was no longer employed and was just chiling at home being productive and job hunting, I finally found a new job, and I'm back on here whoring it up.

Anyways my situation goes something like this. I've had a totally platonic relationship with a friend for over 7 years and I've always known he's liked me as more than just a friend. But I have always been the supportive friend to him and consoled him whenever he needed cheering up. From day one I knew he was going to be a needy friend (he's had a whole bunch of medical conditions and operations, but he's ok now).

Anyways to the point. He's in a really crappy relationship with this fobbish pinay chick he met from school who is playing him and some other guy concurrently. Its one of those on again, off again relationships. When things go bad he's always running to me for emotional/mental support. While I was in grad school I would always got a whole bunch of drunk dials from him crying and being an emotional puss. I guess I really felt sorry for the guy and that's why I stayed his friend, that and we have mutual friends, and I'm cool with his family.

Anyways, shit hit the fan yesterday when we attended both of our families thanksgiving dinners. The stupid chick he's be going on and off again with called just before we were leaving to meet up with his family. He totally ignores me when he's on the phone with her and even lied to me about who he is on the phone with. I don't care if he stays/talks to her or what, but its just lame if we're spending time together (we only see each other once or twice a month) that he can curb the calls till when I'm not there. Plus I always have to "pretend I'm not there" whenever she calls.

Anyways I got mad at him, and she got mad at him at the same time. I almost feel like I'm the other woman even though its a platonic friendship. He in turn gets pissed and drives like a manic in his POS civic for the 45 min drive to San Jose. Under normal terms I would have reemed him a new asshole but his parents were waiting at his house, and I didn't want to disrespect. We go out to dinner and the whole time he's pouting like a lil bitch texting the girl and apoligizing to her, while I didn't receive one apoligy that night. To make things worse he gets drunk off the wine and his dad has to drag his ass to the bathroom to throw up at a high scale restaurant. Meanwhile I hear from his mom and his sis how much they dislike that other girl, blah blah blah. That and how he treats his family the same way as me whenever he's on the phone with that girl.

Anyways, my question is this, despite the fact this makes for a good story on the OC, I'm sick of his shit, and I feel rightfully so. Today he IMs me trying to apoligize, but I'm pissed as hell. Part of me just wants to walk away from this situation entirely, but the other part of me knows if I walk out his life he might get suicidal or whatever. What to do? If anything I'll get some entertainment out of the answers if nothing else.

 

Things not to do: associate with people that have emotional depencies. Also, don't start your own "welcome back" thread.

By the way, you can have a fully-animated, fully hat-travels-along-with-furry-white-creature thing avatar. Check the Santa Hat thread.

 

But Mr. Ann Arbor, it feels so good to be back!!!!!

 

He's a guy, your a girl and he likes you and you don't feel the same, its going to be awkward. I've learned its impossible as a guy to be friends with a girl who your interested in, though she doesn't feel the same. You always hope your going to change their mind but you never do, and eventually you'll go your seperate ways and someone will have hard feelings - in this case probably him.

The treating you like shit is unacceptable, let him know this. Tell him that you guys are friends and friends don't treat each other like that, ever. You should also tell him not to take shit from his gf, it makes him look like a pussy(coming from a woman's percpetive). After that see what happens... Maybe it will just sort itself out naturally.

I am curious why you talk to him, he doesn't sound a like a good friend, you know things will one day be awkward as all hell between you and he doesn't respect you or your feelings. Is pity really worth it?

 

 

Right now pity isn't worth it. I've told him numerous times this girl treats him like shit, and so has his other friends. He's got this hard head and refuses to listen. In the begining of our friendship, he was there for me when I was going thru some tough family issues and he had some similar family issues as well and that's how we became close. But the past 2-3 I've been his emotional sleeve to cry on, and that's when the pity set in. Its tough when you've known somebody for awhile and it goes down hill like this, yet at this point I think some tough love is in order and I can't help him anymore. Its also tough when you know for a fact he doesn't have anyone else to turn to so I do feel somewhat "stuck". I tend to attract all the needy, dramafied folks, must be because I myself must be quirky as hell too.

 

Jesus.

 

Dang it, I thought you died from an STD...

 

 

Fast Acura, you must have mistaken me for someone else, I never slept with you!

 

 

That's right. In your case, it's easier to keep track of people you did NOT sleep with

Of course you didn't sleep with me, otherwise my dick would have fallen off.

 

I dare you to put "quirky as hell" on top of your resume, next to "relationship consultant."

Put 'relationship consultant' on your business card as well, with "heads-rests on shoulder: free."

This is not to say that this is not so sweet of you. He'll rebound in no time.

 

Back from where ? some Zen cave where there is no Internet ?

 

 

Merci !!

 

Bam!

 

who's the psycho, and who knew she even left?

 

:killer: has spoken!

 

:wink: I made a quiet exit back into the real world for a bit. But have no worries I'm back in full force!

 

Anyone you think that might become suicidal because you reject him has some significant problems best dealt with via contact with a skilled therapist, for many, many sessions. Buying into the concept that he might unhinge if you reject him is a form of codependent blackmail, and if you want to buy that raft of shit, go ahead. It's your spare time.

Maintaining the relationship means being this guy's crying rag whilst knowing that any sensible information that you provide him is going to be rejected. I'd hand him a towel and a tape of your voice saying "there there, it will get better soon....." and save yourself hours of what must be an excruciating form of tedium.

Sounds like this guy has some serious self-esteem issues; he dates a schmuck for a girlfriend and is unable to listen to cogent caring commentary from anyone remotely close to him. Some formidable set of interpersonal boundaries, but it doesn't give ya a lot to work with.

ACOA (Adult Children of Alchoholics) has a great phrase " detatch with love" which is a slogan that applies to developing the ability to continue to love someone whilst not putting up with their freaking bullshit. You can continue to hold some considerable affection for this guy, but you don't have to buy into his raft of shit.

And - were I you, I'd look at your own motives for sustaining the relationship. If it is based on pity for the wreckage this guy has made of his social life, then this guy is reduced, in your little black book, to the emotional equivalent of a mercy fuck, and that's not the underpinnings for a lifelong friendship, imho......

 

Thanks, Ric that's the most informative response I've received. Right now I'm giving things a few days to cool down before I talk to him, and at this point I"m not going to sugar coat it, I'm going to tell it how it is. While he was still in school (he just graduated in June) I suggested he go see a school therapist for free. His response was "I don't want them to think I'm crazy". He does have extreme self confidence issues and lets stupid cunts walk all over him. I've tried to be the positive influence in his life, but after this incident I feel totally taken for granted.

At this point, I'm going crazy, I'm his emotional rag to shit on. I'm trying to live a healthy, positive life here, but I feel at this point if he's going to bring me down, I can no longer be of any help to him.

 

 

Awww I missed you too!

 

If he's going to bring you down, you need to change the rules - cut back on the endless repetitive phone calls, change the subject, do something to get this guy from sustaining a role as an adult victim.

 

Jesus, every paragraph starts with "Anywaysss"

Do you talk like that in real life? After every point or premise do you say "Anywayyyssss" to transition?

 

Why do people always put an "s" on the end of "anyway"? It's grammatically incorrect and makes you sound like a brain dead piece of wasted population.

 

 

so like anyways... yes its the valley in me, you can't beat it out of me if you tried

 

But back on topic, I think I'm still not cooled down enough to talk to him, so I'm going to give it a few more days or a week before I can gather exactly what I want to say to him without ripping his head off.

 

good luck