This question is about myself actually but I'll make it straight to the point. My current girlfriend and I. (6-7 years) From winter into spring we split up and during that time she started talking to another guy who she worked with. (he's going through a divorce and just now moved out of the house from his wife.. he's 40 years old and we are 26) In June we got back together and she said that she explained the situation to him, but while checking out her new phone yesterday I found that dude still calls and sends flirty text messages, I didnt look at what she has sent.

Naturally this caused a nice big argument because she told me they dont talk any more.. she says they only talk once or twice a week but I cannot stand the guy for the fact that its obvious he's on the rebound from his marriage and personally I would LOVE to cordially let him know the entire situation because I dont believe she has explained it entirely. She says when he sends the text messages like that she doesn't respond but I've never been comfortable with being in a relationship where you have to hide friends. She cuts her phone off when she's around me because he did call during sex once and I was livid.

So I'm wondering if I would be a sucker for turning my cheek and overlooking this or am I over reacting for even caring? Our relationship is better than it ever has been and I cant see something like this coming between us.. but we are working toward marriage and I dont understand the notion of my spouse having friendships that she feels she has to hide from me.

Cliffs:

Girlfriend met guy while we were apart

I cant stand guy because he is still married, girlfriend says they dont talk any more

We're back together and guy still calls and sends flirty text messages

Girlfriend blows text messages off but it still bothers me

Want to know if I'm a sucker if I let it slide or if I'm over reacting for caring

 

Read the flirty text messages, do that with your women. She'll forget all about them.

 

Something isn't right if she can't tell you the truth. She's playing with your trust and when there is no trust, the relationship is over.

 

That is my concern.. personally I thought it would be appropriate for her to let him know he needs to respect the relationship or just not talk at all.. she feels that is unecessary. We have had trust issues before with her not telling the truth or not being up front so this is a big deal to me.

 

You're not overreacting at all. It it really bothers you (and it sounds like it would bother me as well), tell her to cool it with this guy. She should understand why this would be, and if she cares it won't be any big deal for her to comply.

If she can't/doesn't comply, then things are fishy. If you've had trust issues with her in the past, you might want to reevaluate the relationship.

Personally if a woman shows me she can't be trusted I leave. No second chances - there are too many alternative women to date.

 

Sounds like something is going on, If I was you take alook at her cell phone bill and see how many times this guy calls and more importantly if she calls him.. sounds like she is not telling you the FULL truth and is hiding something....

I know its not the right thing to do, but what chioce you have, since she is playing it like its no big deal and where only friends kinda thing....

Did she ever have sex with this guy....cause is kinda sounds like it, especally with the text messages.

 

She says she never did but honestly I dont know what to believe.. my one requirement for us working things out was complete honesty and being open because that was an issue. Now this has me confused, cause things have gone extremely well up until I saw that.

Either way I really appreciate this.. its been on my mind all last night and this morning, I used to be a pushover and made a complete 180 but sometimes I wonder if I take it too far.. I think I pretty much know what I need to do now.

 

Get her phone and text him back telling him politely to stop... "as" her. Tell him the past is in the past, "you" are happy now, etc. Just don't make it obvious it was you. If he lives far away, have the phone number locked when he tries to send something.

Mike

 

No offense kid, but thats not the way he should handle this, don't get me wrong but when your older you will understand...

You see the 40year old divorce guy has nothing to lose here, god knows how long he has been married and i'm sure he is set on his ways, he see's this 26 year girl has if he won the lottery, she's young, he can get great sex, no complaining its like starting all over again with none of the history attached etc...

So if he was to do what your saying, he is just going to call her and find out why, after all just think they might of been together the previous night and talked about all kinds of things... and now all of a sudden he gets a text saying its over, it won't work.

He has to play this carefully, last thing you want to find out is she has been doing
nothing (not likely), you get caught and how all of a sudden your going to look like a fool and get yourself into trouble....

First of all he has to get facts, he said, she said is not going to work, if in fact she states 101% there is nothing going on and they only talk 1 or 2 times a week the phone bill with show that.... If its frequent or alot more frequent then most likely there is something going on than not....

While the phone calls may not be proof in itself, I always say you lie about the small things your going to lie about the big things too... This gets her into a corner has phone records don't lie and at that point in time she either comes clean or you start looking the other way....

crazymjb,

Not all, but woman like to play games too...the trick is to be one step ahead of them...where there is smoke there is fire, and tonio will most likely find out she is not telling him the truth about her and this other guy....

 

This is exactly why I looked at the phone.. I kind of knew something was up and I have noticed small things here and there. At 26 you just dont feel like playing the games any longer.. especially if you are ready to settle down. I honestly dont care if she has guy friends, all of her friends are guys and its never bothered me. This one does though because after two months she still feels the need to keep it from me for some odd reason, she knows about each and every one of my female friends and I am very up front with her about our conversations.

 

I forgot in D&R sometimes people try to give REAL advice.

Anyway, as everyone else said, make sure you can trust her. If you can, you have nothing to worry about.

Mike

 

DUMP HER DUMP HER....this same thing happened with my ex-gf and she never changed...all she does is lie and deceive, and trust is #1. Seriously dude, it hurt me because I thought she was everything I wanted, but you have to let go...there are women out there who don't lie or cover up things or deal with these situations.

 

Bingo

 

I don't buy that it's a "friendship", at least from his perspective. Your girl probably just likes the attention, and wants it but doesn't want to lose you because of it. That can be a red flag. I dated a girl like that once, and have known lots of other girls who thrive on it. They may not cheat, but they sure do love to know they could. If he isn't your friend too, he shouldn't be calling her. Text messages aren't great either, but calling is clearly an investment for something more.

 

If it has a Vagina, it cannot be trusted

 

Someone here has had some bad experiences in their life!

 

That has become annoying too, lately she's been getting a lot of attention from other guys which is cool, I do not mind at all but literally every time she goes to the store or something she has to tell me every guy that was looking at her, it was cute the first couple of times but not any more. And I think this is the case here, the guy showed her some attention (she was kind of the quiet nerdy type before) and regardless of him being married and having 3 children she likes the attention he gave her while we were apart and now she doesn't want to give it up.

My thing is.. the guy was still married and living under the roof with his wife and kids, but supposedly had "feelings" for my girlfriend. How can you trust or even begin to have feelings for someone in that situation?

 

um, if your gf is still entertaining the "flirtyness" of a married dude, and commenting on her awareness that guys are cruising her on a more or less random basis, she's engaging in being aware of her attractiveness while still "keeping it safe". She knows the married dude is unlikely to leave the wifey, and the guys in the grocery store are not likely to come on to her in a major way. Could be one of two things, or a blend of both. She could be very emotionally needy, and she counts reassurance by the number of times she is hit on, or she could be discovering her post-nerdy self. In any case, she sounds more than a tad insecure. (married guys are great for insecure women, because they get the illicit romance part big-time, but don't have to deal with the full, complex realities of relating to a man in a comprehensive relationship. After the illicit weeknight, weekend, lunchtime assignation is over, the hubby goes back to the slatternly wife, who has to put up with his skid-marked undies, unpaid bills, the kid's bad report cards, the broken washing machine, yadayadayada, while the "other woman" gets to go home, basking in the glow of the "forbidding" and slightly scandalous nature of her involvement. Even if their relationship is "over", she may be holding onto this notion that this guy reassures her about her attractiveness while not having to "risk" the deep emotional committment of a real relationship. )

What you do depends on how much you have invested in the relationship. If you really want her as part of your life, you might seek to provide your own persistent reassurances.....bought these flowers, thought they would bring out the color of your eyes, great outfit, brings out your booty, whatever....... That may help to affirm to herself that she is attractive and desired. That needs to be paired with a continued effort that that level of honesty that you need for YOU to feel secure in the trust of the relationship.

If you're not that deeply invested in the relationship, and the fact that she is seeking confirmation of her attractiveness skivvs you, then it's probably time to let go, and let the married guy and the takeout clerk at the local supermarket continue to hit on her. She will, ultimately, find that kind of attention to be quite empty, but that will be, frankly, her problem.

The challenge with the kind of needyness that she is displaying is that it may be a "bottomless pit" rather than just a phase.... If she is deeply insecure, she needs help well beyond the occassional bouquet of flowers and the steady diet of compliments.

It may be possible that she sees telling you about the guy at the grocery store or whatever as part of her understanding of the honesty of the relationship......not fully understanding, as a former nerd, that this might be just a bit "activating' for you.

 

I know - but there are women who will overlook the fact that he's currently married. They love the attention and fail to realize that he is cheating on someone he took a vow of faithfulness to. If she was the wife, he'd be cheating on her as well.

I've never understood how that works - but it does.

 

Sorry to say, but this is another big red flag. It is an insecurity thing, and it probably won't go away with time. In fact, it usually gets worse. The really hard part about this scenario is that you don't want to come off as the jealous type, because it makes you look insecure. The problem is, that's probably what she wants. If you play it cool, she may start pushing the boundary a little more to get a reaction. A friend of mine married someone like that, and this same cycle continued until it got real ugly and ended in divorce. I hope your situation turns out better.

 

Ding Ding!

 

I couldnt begin to list all of the things I've done like this over the past month or so.. I am currently starting up my own business but I've put twice as much time into her than I have with the business. I'm enjoying the time we've spent but now it is stuck in the back of my head what is really going on, if I'm out of town for a couple of weeks what will I come back to? Stuff like that.. I'd love for it to work but if there is no trust from the beginning than everything else is bound to fall apart.

I think I'm going to tell her before we can go any further that she needs to handle that situation, and if they are going to remain friends then I need to explain some things to him myself. The thing is.. I know if I caught her in another lie like this it would be over immediately with no other chance since we've been through this before, it just makes me wonder if it is even worth it.

 

I'm not condoning her "hiding" things from you, it's totally wrong, but can you understand even a little WHY she does?

just give her a chance to fix the situation and have a heart to heart with her about it...

 

Under normal circumstances I would but as I said before, we got back together on the notion that I would not be stumbling upon things that I knew nothing about.. when we lived together before I found out about a close guy friend she had for 4 years while we were living together but she never told me about him till now, apparently they would talk on the phone when I wasnt around. I cannot see being with someone who feels they have to leave when certain people to call, or I dont know the person but they know my schedule and when to call my girlfriend.

 

Dude, this sounds just like my ex-g/f...you really have to think things over, but are you scared you are 26 and can't find anyone else? I just don't know if she would be worth it, doing these things. It can fuck up your mind quickly.

 

The one rule I've always had with GFs is that any guy who has her in the past should no longer be in communication with her. If he is, its just asking for trouble and I moved along.

You can rest assured that this guy banged your girl while you weren't together. Hopefully he still isn't banging her but statistically that's unlikely.

 

Yeah there is no question that he tapped that ass. She probably let him fuck her their first time out. YOu think she might not be a ho, but statistically that's unlikely.

That's stupid. If the deal with her goes sour and the business is fucked up, you won't be able to get another bitch because you're broke. Focus on important things. $$$$$$

IF you have cash you can always get chicks. F O C U S !!!

 

Yes, you are a sucker if I let it slide, something it going besides the phone calls and the fifty text messages. If she has to hide guy friends and only be in their presence when you are not there more than likely they are friends with benefits, in other words fucking. If you can't trust her then there should not be a relationship. They are defiantly cut buddies, if they know your schedule and that is the only time he comes around if you are not there. You should get off of work early one day and I am almost sure you will catch her in your house fucking that guy (if you can handle seeing that). I say get out of the relationship now and save the year/years wasted on her. Look at it like his by being with her you may miss out of finding a girl that is honest and that can be trusted.

 

if you can't trust her, get out now and stop wasting your time. Without trust, your relationship is doomed for sure, and she doesn't seem to care enough about trust because she's hiding things from you. One of my ex's was the same, and i broke up with her cuz of it, and then a few months later i found out that my suspicions were right and she had been cheating on me... go with your gut on this, and remember that you only hide things when you're guilty of something... if u have nothing to worry about why would you bother hiding something?

 

Play the odds & dump her.

 

These type of girls love the attention and truth be told when you are in a relationship you should not be looking for this type of attention. I hate to be blunt but she is deceitful and chances are if she had the opportunity to do something behind your back she would, if she hasn't done so already. It's time to take the tough road and call it quits.

 

She is not you ex GF dude . Not all women are the same .

Sorry dude but there is something fishy going on. IF this guy keeps calling is because he thinks he can get some . If your relationship with her meant something to her she would ve stopped all this crap before you got back together .

 

Not all women are the same, but he needs to play the odds, cause statistically she is the same as all other women.

 

Even if you're ugly.

 

and if you're broke you'll only be able to get cum guzzling STD infested hoes.

 

or white trash...





if there is a difference

 

Well after ducking and dodging the issues because she didnt "feel" like talking about it I had to tell her I'm tired of the relationship via text message since she likes them so much, I was really just trying to provoke her to talk.

She took the bait, called immediately and the arguing began. She says I feel threatened by the other guy and that I shouldnt be snooping through her phone, on top of that as long as she is with me and does not entertain what the other guy says then it should not matter.

I basically explained to her that the fact that she has blown this off since friday only pissed me off even more, we have always had this trust issue and that she only tells me what I want to hear even if that means lying. I told her I'm done and wont tolerate it.. she says its a bullshit reason to end it. So now I guess she can go pursue her married sugar daddy with 3 kids.. I'll continue to work on my business.

btw how do you guys think this layout looks for my site?

http://dev.creativesurge.com/alaskasfinest/
http://dev.creativesurge.com/alaskas.../products.html

I really appreciate all of the advice from here, it gave me a lot of clarity in the situation.. sometimes its hard to see the obvious when you're not on the outside looking in. Thanks!

 

i'm glad to hear you 'resolved' it, if she really cared she wouldn't have let it end like that, so clearly you did the right thing...

as far as the layout goes i like it, without being able to use it i donno how user friendly it's gonna be but it looks really solid. i really like how you've tied together so many design elements throughout the site...

 

thats a sweet website/business, id be really interested in buying some of your products. Any AZ discount...haha But you definitely did the right thing, if you can't trust someone, its over, punto, finale! Furthermore, im not sure if its "statistical" but when people are in relationships that are on again and off again it just doesn't work. You still have plenty of time to meet some new people, kindle some old relationships without the baggage.

 

Before I saw your last post i was gonna say hire a P.I. but it looks like you did what you needed to do. I would have liked to see you call him yourself or answer him when he calls and just say "don't call my girlfriend anymore pal." But i guess it's all moot now.