My question to the group, I'd love to hear all sides of this: Does Loving somebody automatically guarantee that the relationship will work out? please!

Some background to this question. My ex and I have been through our share of ups and downs the past 7 going on 8 years. We love each other. After another 6 month stint of not talking to each other and me dating other people he comes back to me and I let him back.

I was single at the time so he wasn't homewrecking. Plus I have my "needs" and we do love each other. Is this enough to make a relationship work or am I just nuts?

 

Absolutely not.

 

Nope. Too many other variables.

Sometimes, it just doesn't work. No reason, just doesn't.

 

more background... it was long distance for a bit, but now he's moving back here to the bay, not for me, but for family. He approached me with telling me that he loves me. I did not instigate this! I do love him, but its definately been a rough road. I've dated and been in other relationships so me meeting other people is not the issue... but I am super confused right now!

 

What is the model that each/both of you have for a caring and successful relationship? Did you have Ozzie and Harriet for parents? (that includes about .001% of the population, the rest of us come from families with an interesting array of dysfunction.......). How did you learn to "relate" when you grew up, watching your parents, older sibs in their emerging relationships?

I do think that people who truly love each other can, if the intent is there, sit down, be honest about their shortcomings and their assets (the latter is just as important, btw) and talk about how to shape the time you share together and see if that leads to an "organic" shared life together.

Sometimes it helps to sit down with a third party, one who will not "side" with either one of you, but understands communications tools and can work with you both. There are a number of couples counselors out there, some kooks, some really, really skilled. After 15 years of marriage, my wife and I (very reluctantly) turned to a skilled couples psychotherapist to iron out some issues, and it certainly facilitated our comunications with each other in some massive, and in some very subtle ways. Not overnight stuff, but a sequence of "aha" moments by each one of us in the couples therapy over a period of about two years allowed us to reshape the foundation of what had always been a very loving and caring love affair that had, by that time, been going on for over twenty years, fifteen of them married.

With the freedom of knowing that, once a week, we could spend time in a setting where we could speak to our respective issues and have someone who knew how to "interpret". What we gradually learned to do was to incorporate his "listening skills" into ourselves, and eventually, we didn't need his presence to mediate, listen, coach, mentor or keep score. We learned to argue "clean", learned to genuinely (not the fake "oh, I don't care" line) forgive each other (and ourselves) for some shit, and learned to celebrate the inherent differences between us as an asset, and not a threat.

If you really love this guy, and he really loves you, the friction between the two of you that inhibits the richness of a love affair needs to be explored - not ruthlessly dissected, but explored - so that the two of you can balance your time togehter more effectively.

That said, if you seek a marriage counselor, interview three. You both have to respect this person, and given the licensure requirements for marriage counselors (limited to zip in most states) there are a lot of nutcases out there with a shingle on the wall proporting to be of help.

All that said, nothing works if one or the other doesn't want to go the mile.

 

Hell No!

 

That's a Negative Captin!!

 

no

 

Nope....if there is no marrige after 3-4 years....its a waste of time!

 

I'm with all the others There are no guarantees with relationships.

 

Umm if you notice my age, I'm only 24! He's 27 and we both had other priorities that we wanted to take care of first (careers and school) before either of us had any intention of settling down. I've dated him since I was 17 and a senior in high school. I just got my masters and am on my way to pursing a job that I actually enjoy.

When we last talked/saw each other, we talked about the possiblity of moving in together (I have a house already). If we can smooth out the bumps (perhaps counseling might be necessary) yes, I can see myself marrying this guy.

My life is in order, perhaps more than his right now. I'm just waiting to find the right person to live my life with.

 

Sounds like you already made up your mind

Give it another try i say, worst that can happen is you waste your time again. But hey at least you tried?

 

well, that explains the eight years......................how you really relate to each other now may be substantially different, now that you both have that "young adult" foundation built. (degree/degree/job=starting career)

 

Trying to fix him?

 

No, No, No! Not trying to fix him. I'm trying to give him time to sort out his "issues". That's partially why we didn't talk for 6 months. I let him come back to me, not the other way around. He's got stuff to take care of on his own (i.e. finishing up school and finding a job)

We as a couple have to work things out if we're going to last. I don't want to go through this make up and break up stuff.

I've somewhat made a decision, but I have yet to see where him and I are going to go on this anything can happen and I'm aware there aren't any guarantees. It just sucks know that love isn't the cure all for everything. It helps but it doesn't fix the problems.

 

no way

 

Why does he need you to do the things he's got to do?

Let the man figure it out on his own...if he can't...well...I guess he can be the bitch in the relationship

 

He doesn't. But for both parties in this case to be happy he needs to be happy. I'm not holding his hand through all this, he's man enough to take care of it on his own and that why I'm waiting to let him sort this out before him and I take things to the next level.

 

21/m/fresno/single

not far from bay area

 

You ! I've read your other postings buddy I'm cool! Plus you're a lil young for me!

 

Thanks for the offer though. Even funnier since you have no clue what I look like!

 

well @ end I told my ex to fuck off, and that's what you should tell him.

 

 

I think PsychoInDenial got scared and changed her age from 22 to 24.

 

no way jose

 

if you honestly believe that just because you love someone everything will work out, you will be in for a world of hurt

 

I think she already went through it, which would explain her screen name

 

Ummm, so your ex was a dude?

 

it was FEMALE

 

I thought you just asked us to tell him to fuck off? :gheylaugh:

Anyway, fwiw I think Psycho's also a dude.

And what was up with the Osama BinLaden thread?

 

what foo don't start ok......





i told rob to delete it

 

Ok I won't but I couldn't resist taking a potshot at a personal pronuon that lacked a proper antecedent:

 

how many think DENIAL is male?

 

Ok

I meant that he/she should tell her/his ex to fuck off.

 

 

I know what you meant. I was just having some fun.

 

So is this another :ghey: relationship. If then I think YOUNGTL and DENIAL should hook up, another acurazine couple.

 

So you were 16-17 when you met? And he was barely in his 20's...

If you don't get along well by now, it's not going to happen magically... move on.

7 years? if it was going to work it would have by now... maybe you have some sorta physical thing going. But it sounds like you feed off one anothers anger and push buttons... not healthy.

 

Hahahaha scared of you? How can I be 22 and getting my masters?????

Second off, I AM A GIRL and no this isn't some gay relationship.

And yes, my sn is a direct reference to my ex. I've been psycho for quite awhile now and dealing with it just fine

I got all quiet because I had to drive home and stuff from work. Not cuz I'm all skird. Anyone got a link to one of those free posting sites and I'll post pics.

Yes my relationship with my ex is highly dysfunctional, but we're both older now and have both grown up a lot. We have both been in relationships with other people and dated other people but somehow fate keeps bringing us back together for one reason or another...

 

Oh yeah and on another note, he's either getting a RL or MDX as his next car, right now he's driving and Integra. Does that get him any brownie points?