Living With Your SO
Living With Your SO
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year (1 year exactly on the 26th). A couple months ago I asked when her lease is up at her her apt and if would like to get a place together then. Her response was that she only wanted to live with a guy if they were married. And she doesn't see the how things differ after getting married and while living together. I dropped it there. A couple days later she finds out her parents lived together before marriage and her brother is moving in with her girlfriend of 4 months. Haha
Today she brought it up again after we have been throwing comments about getting married one day and kids. She said she still doesn't want to move in together unless we are married. I told her thats I i think its the next step to it because you get to really see how well you two work together day in and day out.
She said if we loved each other it would all work out when we are married.
Whats doe y'all think? Is it a good idea to live together first?
Luther
Today she brought it up again after we have been throwing comments about getting married one day and kids. She said she still doesn't want to move in together unless we are married. I told her thats I i think its the next step to it because you get to really see how well you two work together day in and day out.
She said if we loved each other it would all work out when we are married.
Whats doe y'all think? Is it a good idea to live together first?
Luther
I'm going to move in with my g/f around July 1st. We will have been dating almost 4 years then, so it is different than your situation.
Considering you have only been dating 1 year I think it may be too soon, unless you guys really are going to get married. I'd think it over because a year is too soon IMO and bad things can come from that if you both sign a lease!
Considering you have only been dating 1 year I think it may be too soon, unless you guys really are going to get married. I'd think it over because a year is too soon IMO and bad things can come from that if you both sign a lease!
I do not hide my age here and here is my 2 cents. There is a big difference in living together and marrying. Marrying means you are committing to each other. Living together just means we want to have the benefits but not commit. I believe that if you think she is the one for you, then be patient and wait till you marry before sharing a roof.
BTW. This is a very recent change in my thought line. I used to think I did not want to get married again but I want a person that I know will be with me through thick & thin. Just that at my age, it is harder to find that person ( the older we get the more baggage we carry).
BTW. This is a very recent change in my thought line. I used to think I did not want to get married again but I want a person that I know will be with me through thick & thin. Just that at my age, it is harder to find that person ( the older we get the more baggage we carry).
For me i think you get to know the person alot better when you live together. I would want to live with my SO before getting married. Though i do have alot of friends that think like your GF, it is just what they believe.
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Move in first... its the next step into getting to know each other first... if you are getting all the benefits right now... whats the difference in sharing a roof...
On the other hand... if you are not getting the benefits and she is the type that wants to wait until she is married to give you those benefits... then there lies the problem of sharing a roof...
So the question here is... are you hitting it or not??? If you are... there's no point in waiting... if you are not hitting it... then you better love her because marriage is a huge step...
<~~~ Lived with my SO before marriage... better said... i'm living with my SO before marriage...
On the other hand... if you are not getting the benefits and she is the type that wants to wait until she is married to give you those benefits... then there lies the problem of sharing a roof...
So the question here is... are you hitting it or not??? If you are... there's no point in waiting... if you are not hitting it... then you better love her because marriage is a huge step...
<~~~ Lived with my SO before marriage... better said... i'm living with my SO before marriage...
NO!
What you have now works because you can always go "home". With only one year under your belt, you are still learning things about each other everyday. But on the occassions where you get upset or tired of the other person and need a reprieve, you have that haven or retreat. If you move in together, you lose that space to "regroup". What happens when they move in and you all of a sudden discover they clip their toenails in bed, or leave their pubic hairs on the toilet seat or doll hair all on the sink and shit and are mad cuz you drank the last of the juice and left a corner in the fridge or don't like your boy or snores or always wants to talk as soon as you get in the door or doesn't like you walking around naked and she won't walk around naked or or or or...where was I...oh...
NO!!!
Last but not least...there is no such thing as "same type of thing" when you talk about marriage and "bf/gf"! One takes a court order to get rid of the fucker...you figure out which one...
Let it marinate...
What you have now works because you can always go "home". With only one year under your belt, you are still learning things about each other everyday. But on the occassions where you get upset or tired of the other person and need a reprieve, you have that haven or retreat. If you move in together, you lose that space to "regroup". What happens when they move in and you all of a sudden discover they clip their toenails in bed, or leave their pubic hairs on the toilet seat or doll hair all on the sink and shit and are mad cuz you drank the last of the juice and left a corner in the fridge or don't like your boy or snores or always wants to talk as soon as you get in the door or doesn't like you walking around naked and she won't walk around naked or or or or...where was I...oh...
NO!!!
Last but not least...there is no such thing as "same type of thing" when you talk about marriage and "bf/gf"! One takes a court order to get rid of the fucker...you figure out which one...
Let it marinate...
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 92,764
Likes: 4,682
From: ShitsBurgh
Originally Posted by The Dougler
Not a chance in hell I'd marry a broad without first living with her. That's the path to a fast divorce.
Just make sure it's the right one, cuz living with a bitch sux if they're a bitch
if you only knew...
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 1,468
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From: wherever I wanna be. or, somewhere else.
Originally Posted by The Dougler
Not a chance in hell I'd marry a broad without first living with her. That's the path to a fast divorce.
Originally Posted by darksom1
NO!
What you have now works because you can always go "home". With only one year under your belt, you are still learning things about each other everyday. But on the occassions where you get upset or tired of the other person and need a reprieve, you have that haven or retreat. If you move in together, you lose that space to "regroup". What happens when they move in and you all of a sudden discover they clip their toenails in bed, or leave their pubic hairs on the toilet seat or doll hair all on the sink and shit and are mad cuz you drank the last of the juice and left a corner in the fridge or don't like your boy or snores or always wants to talk as soon as you get in the door or doesn't like you walking around naked and she won't walk around naked or or or or...where was I...oh...
NO!!!
Last but not least...there is no such thing as "same type of thing" when you talk about marriage and "bf/gf"! One takes a court order to get rid of the fucker...you figure out which one...
Let it marinate...
What you have now works because you can always go "home". With only one year under your belt, you are still learning things about each other everyday. But on the occassions where you get upset or tired of the other person and need a reprieve, you have that haven or retreat. If you move in together, you lose that space to "regroup". What happens when they move in and you all of a sudden discover they clip their toenails in bed, or leave their pubic hairs on the toilet seat or doll hair all on the sink and shit and are mad cuz you drank the last of the juice and left a corner in the fridge or don't like your boy or snores or always wants to talk as soon as you get in the door or doesn't like you walking around naked and she won't walk around naked or or or or...where was I...oh...
NO!!!
Last but not least...there is no such thing as "same type of thing" when you talk about marriage and "bf/gf"! One takes a court order to get rid of the fucker...you figure out which one...
Let it marinate...
The power of saying "go home" is priceless
Originally Posted by PhiSigBrotha
Whats doe y'all think? Is it a good idea to live together first?
I'm ambivalent, i.e. unsure, about whether cohabitation before marriage is good or bad. I didn't live w/my wife before marriage (esp. since she lived and worked 400 miles away when we met), but we've been married for 13+ years so far. On the other hand, I don't have a problem with cohabitation either.
Interestingly, all of my hetero friends who did that are with different SOs now, while my two gay buddies have each been with their SOs for over a decade each-- family values, I guess...
Clarity:
I am an advocate for living with a woman before you marry her. Test driving the car before you buy it and what not. But NOT after one year of dating. There is just too much ground left to be covered. Everyone can be who they want to be for a few days. In other words, be on their best behaviour. But when you move in, no more hiding the little things about each other that might piss the other person off.
While it is true that you will find these things out eventually, it is also true that you will have more of a foundation to fall back on when making the "pros/cons" decision of keeping the person around if you give yourself more time. One year does not grant you that stability of relationship needed to ride out the storms you may have to weather if you jump into the frying pan too soon. Then you not only are faced with the prospect of moving out and finding another place, but the act itself tends to invite the finality of the relationship. If your girl says she heard that it is not right to move in with someone, and then everyone around her, including parents and siblings are doing it...there goes her theory on that right? Sooo, it must be trepidation on her part for some other reason. She is trying to pace herself probably, so you do the same!
Why add stress early on? Plenty of time to move in later. If you want to know what's up and still maintain your independence and perspective "boundaries" right now...then why not take turns spending a week here and there, at your place or her place?
Just like moving in is a test for marriage co-dwelling, that can be a small test for moving in together! What have you got to lose? It's always best to take little steps before the big step. You learn more that way.
Consider that...
I am an advocate for living with a woman before you marry her. Test driving the car before you buy it and what not. But NOT after one year of dating. There is just too much ground left to be covered. Everyone can be who they want to be for a few days. In other words, be on their best behaviour. But when you move in, no more hiding the little things about each other that might piss the other person off.
While it is true that you will find these things out eventually, it is also true that you will have more of a foundation to fall back on when making the "pros/cons" decision of keeping the person around if you give yourself more time. One year does not grant you that stability of relationship needed to ride out the storms you may have to weather if you jump into the frying pan too soon. Then you not only are faced with the prospect of moving out and finding another place, but the act itself tends to invite the finality of the relationship. If your girl says she heard that it is not right to move in with someone, and then everyone around her, including parents and siblings are doing it...there goes her theory on that right? Sooo, it must be trepidation on her part for some other reason. She is trying to pace herself probably, so you do the same!
Why add stress early on? Plenty of time to move in later. If you want to know what's up and still maintain your independence and perspective "boundaries" right now...then why not take turns spending a week here and there, at your place or her place?
Just like moving in is a test for marriage co-dwelling, that can be a small test for moving in together! What have you got to lose? It's always best to take little steps before the big step. You learn more that way.Consider that...
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 92,764
Likes: 4,682
From: ShitsBurgh
Originally Posted by virtualbong
DO NOT BE TRICKED BY HER MAGICAL POWERS OF PERSUASION. .
More like magical powers of... welll pu..... not gonna go there
I lived with my wife for several years before we got married. BUT, at the time when we moved in together, I knew I was going to marry this girl. The "at home habits" we discovered about each other were pretty trivial, but I'm glad we did it anyway.
So, IMO unless you think this is going to be "the one", then forget about living together. And if she is the one, then at least by living together for a bit, you can address any issues before you take the plunge. If either you or her are unwilling to change, then you can walk away...
So, IMO unless you think this is going to be "the one", then forget about living together. And if she is the one, then at least by living together for a bit, you can address any issues before you take the plunge. If either you or her are unwilling to change, then you can walk away...
I think living together before marriage is a great idea. Ive done it before with boyfriends I havent been dating too long.
The main thing is to be upfront about what it is. Is it a stepping stone or just a roomate situation.
Most recently, it was a stepping stone. A terrifying, yet relieving stepping stone. You just need to make sure both of you are on the same page.
The main thing is to be upfront about what it is. Is it a stepping stone or just a roomate situation.
Most recently, it was a stepping stone. A terrifying, yet relieving stepping stone. You just need to make sure both of you are on the same page.
you have to live with someone before you get married. You have to make sure you can deal with all their annoyances and nuisances and what not.
However, what is more important, is it seems like shes more trying to get you to propose than sticking to a value.
Just back off. There will come a time when she want to move it further. also youve only been dating a year..
However, what is more important, is it seems like shes more trying to get you to propose than sticking to a value.
Just back off. There will come a time when she want to move it further. also youve only been dating a year..
i know its only been a year but ive never been so sure about a girl before. im not pushing the issue. i brought it up once and never since. shes the one that brought it up again.
she did mention last night she wants more of a commitment and i told her i give her more right now. im in the process of looking at rings right now and when i feel the time is right ill propose but im not gonna propose just to have her live with me.
luther
Originally Posted by SilviaGTO
However, what is more important, is it seems like shes more trying to get you to propose than sticking to a value.
luther
hells ya, first year is still the "honeymoon" period when everybody puts on their best behavior. wait until years 2 through 4, that's when the true colors come flying out. enjoy your independence and the fact that your lady isn't full on clingy, wanting to be with you 24-7! i've broken up with girls because they were too clingy and possessive. you've got the rest of your lives for cohabitation, you won't regret this time apart.
that being said, i'm a proponent of living together before you get married. maybe just wait another year or so. definitely after you get engaged. you don't want this one to be a "starter" marriage lol.
that being said, i'm a proponent of living together before you get married. maybe just wait another year or so. definitely after you get engaged. you don't want this one to be a "starter" marriage lol.
How serious is your relationship? I think it's ok to live in with someone if your relationship will ultimately lead to marriage. If it's not that serious, I think it can cause problems (ex. breaking up before the lease is over) so better save yourself from all the headache.
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Originally Posted by sasha
How serious is your relationship? I think it's ok to live in with someone if your relationship will ultimately lead to marriage. If it's not that serious, I think it can cause problems (ex. breaking up before the lease is over) so better save yourself from all the headache.
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But that's what I mean man! And Badboy, how long have ya'll known each other?
known each other for a little over a year. i would say love at first sight cuz i dont believe in that, but we clicked right away. its leading to marriage. we have the same views on just about everything (except this one of course) and get along great. ive always had a player mentality until i met her. i already know most of the things that drive her crazy about people she lives with and i think i stand ok on them.
im living in a situation where i can just move out of my lease at anytime. if she doesnt want to live with me when her lease ends (in april) ill just get my own apartment in september when this lease is up. maybe by then ill get my promotion and buy my own house.
its not really a mandatory thing to live with her before marriage but when we get married and she finds little things about me she doesnt like i can rub it in her face.
ok i wont. that would be bad.
luther
im living in a situation where i can just move out of my lease at anytime. if she doesnt want to live with me when her lease ends (in april) ill just get my own apartment in september when this lease is up. maybe by then ill get my promotion and buy my own house.
its not really a mandatory thing to live with her before marriage but when we get married and she finds little things about me she doesnt like i can rub it in her face.
ok i wont. that would be bad.
luther
Originally Posted by PhiSigBrotha
known each other for a little over a year. i would say love at first sight cuz i dont believe in that, but we clicked right away. its leading to marriage. we have the same views on just about everything (except this one of course) and get along great. ive always had a player mentality until i met her. i already know most of the things that drive her crazy about people she lives with and i think i stand ok on them.
im living in a situation where i can just move out of my lease at anytime. if she doesnt want to live with me when her lease ends (in april) ill just get my own apartment in september when this lease is up. maybe by then ill get my promotion and buy my own house.
its not really a mandatory thing to live with her before marriage but when we get married and she finds little things about me she doesnt like i can rub it in her face.
ok i wont. that would be bad.
luther
im living in a situation where i can just move out of my lease at anytime. if she doesnt want to live with me when her lease ends (in april) ill just get my own apartment in september when this lease is up. maybe by then ill get my promotion and buy my own house.
its not really a mandatory thing to live with her before marriage but when we get married and she finds little things about me she doesnt like i can rub it in her face.
ok i wont. that would be bad.
luther
Originally Posted by PhiSigBrotha
i know its only been a year but ive never been so sure about a girl before. im not pushing the issue. i brought it up once and never since. shes the one that brought it up again.
she did mention last night she wants more of a commitment and i told her i give her more right now. im in the process of looking at rings right now and when i feel the time is right ill propose but im not gonna propose just to have her live with me.
luther
she did mention last night she wants more of a commitment and i told her i give her more right now. im in the process of looking at rings right now and when i feel the time is right ill propose but im not gonna propose just to have her live with me.
luther
My best wishes to you and your girl...
<~~~ not married... living with my girl... 1 rose away from popping the question too...
but thats a thread I'll start later...
Last edited by spooky3ce; Jan 24, 2008 at 10:50 PM.
Mm.. well the way I see it. If you love the person to that extent, you'd have to eventually live together, and adapt to each other's living styles. So, in other words, it doesn't matter about living with your SO before marriage.
It's not an issue of IF he should...but WHEN he should. I think just about everyone agrees he should do it, including me. But I just think a year is too soon. I also don't think you can go on the "if you think you will marry her" thing, because some people want to get married and feel it's the "right one" after a couple months! (I know personally of at least 3 people that did that in 1-3 months...all of them are OVER!!). So I think a reasonable amount of time should be observed.
Originally Posted by darksom1
NO!
What you have now works because you can always go "home". With only one year under your belt, you are still learning things about each other everyday. But on the occassions where you get upset or tired of the other person and need a reprieve, you have that haven or retreat. If you move in together, you lose that space to "regroup". What happens when they move in and you all of a sudden discover they clip their toenails in bed, or leave their pubic hairs on the toilet seat or doll hair all on the sink and shit and are mad cuz you drank the last of the juice and left a corner in the fridge or don't like your boy or snores or always wants to talk as soon as you get in the door or doesn't like you walking around naked and she won't walk around naked or or or or...where was I...oh...
NO!!!
Last but not least...there is no such thing as "same type of thing" when you talk about marriage and "bf/gf"! One takes a court order to get rid of the fucker...you figure out which one...
Let it marinate...
What you have now works because you can always go "home". With only one year under your belt, you are still learning things about each other everyday. But on the occassions where you get upset or tired of the other person and need a reprieve, you have that haven or retreat. If you move in together, you lose that space to "regroup". What happens when they move in and you all of a sudden discover they clip their toenails in bed, or leave their pubic hairs on the toilet seat or doll hair all on the sink and shit and are mad cuz you drank the last of the juice and left a corner in the fridge or don't like your boy or snores or always wants to talk as soon as you get in the door or doesn't like you walking around naked and she won't walk around naked or or or or...where was I...oh...
NO!!!
Last but not least...there is no such thing as "same type of thing" when you talk about marriage and "bf/gf"! One takes a court order to get rid of the fucker...you figure out which one...
Let it marinate...
I'd wait this one out. For me, it will be a slow and steady process before I ever get serious enough with a girl for her to live with me again. It would probably have to be an engagement or on the verge of one, she'd have to fit the criteria I'd like in a partner and I'm sure vice-versa.
Going "home," is so simple yet powerful. I still have not tasted such freedom. My ex is still here blasting the heater that was not yet transferred to my name...
I'd say 1 year is too soon. Like someone else said you're still in the honeymoon phase. 6 more months or even a year and it might be different.
I was talking about this with my mother and she's against it. Something about "if you really love the person you'll get over their little quirks once you get married and move in
"
I can't say I disagree with her since it's worked for her and my dad, but I said you don't really fully know someone until you live with them.
I was talking about this with my mother and she's against it. Something about "if you really love the person you'll get over their little quirks once you get married and move in
"
I can't say I disagree with her since it's worked for her and my dad, but I said you don't really fully know someone until you live with them.
Not because I don't/do these things, but things to think about!
"When you do...and when you don't...live with her!"
When you don't live with her:
You don't clean up after yourself
You fart everywhere uninhibited
Invite friends over whenever you want
Eat what you want, when you want
Don't wipe off the edge of the toilet after a leak
Don't always flush the toilet
Beer o'clock
Look at what you want on TV as loud as you want
Play what you want on the stereo as loud as you want
Have use of the computer ALL the time
Jerk off in total privacy and can hold it and fall asleep with it in your hand
Walk around naked
Total peace and solitude except when you don't want it
Go and come as you please
You are the ruler of your domain, balls of steel!
When you DO live with her...to avoid drama, and live correct (for u women out there reading):
1)Have to pick your shit up
2)You must go outside, in bathroom, or in closet to fart - or hold it
3)Friends must be scheduled...or what friends? lol
4)There are now grocery lists, feeding times, and a menu
5)Must get your hair, spillage, and fecal remains off the seat
6)Flush...even if you just spit
7)Drink responsibly (read: when she isn't around to belabor the point)
8)Watch programs together (read: Lifetime channel, particularly "The Burning Bed")
9)No music, you'll wake the baby! "But we don't have a baby sweetie." Then we'll make one so you'll turn that shit off!
10)Emails and marriage workshops only! Internet Security Suite now installed to curb late night porno and AZ viewing!
11)Jerk off in a closet, even when she is not there, because you know she will be back any moment and ruin everything you have fantasized about today!

12)You now wear flannel pj's! Nuff said!
13)Have to listen to her from the time she wakes up, when you get home from work, and until she falls asleep either talking bout her dream she had, her day at work, and how you better not be dreaming about no other bitches when you go to sleep!

14)
...need I say more?
15)
...you were saying??
But hey...who's counting?
"When you do...and when you don't...live with her!"
When you don't live with her:
You don't clean up after yourself
You fart everywhere uninhibited
Invite friends over whenever you want
Eat what you want, when you want
Don't wipe off the edge of the toilet after a leak
Don't always flush the toilet
Beer o'clock
Look at what you want on TV as loud as you want
Play what you want on the stereo as loud as you want
Have use of the computer ALL the time
Jerk off in total privacy and can hold it and fall asleep with it in your hand
Walk around naked
Total peace and solitude except when you don't want it
Go and come as you please
You are the ruler of your domain, balls of steel!
When you DO live with her...to avoid drama, and live correct (for u women out there reading):
1)Have to pick your shit up

2)You must go outside, in bathroom, or in closet to fart - or hold it

3)Friends must be scheduled...or what friends? lol

4)There are now grocery lists, feeding times, and a menu

5)Must get your hair, spillage, and fecal remains off the seat

6)Flush...even if you just spit

7)Drink responsibly (read: when she isn't around to belabor the point)

8)Watch programs together (read: Lifetime channel, particularly "The Burning Bed")

9)No music, you'll wake the baby! "But we don't have a baby sweetie." Then we'll make one so you'll turn that shit off!
10)Emails and marriage workshops only! Internet Security Suite now installed to curb late night porno and AZ viewing!

11)Jerk off in a closet, even when she is not there, because you know she will be back any moment and ruin everything you have fantasized about today!


12)You now wear flannel pj's! Nuff said!
13)Have to listen to her from the time she wakes up, when you get home from work, and until she falls asleep either talking bout her dream she had, her day at work, and how you better not be dreaming about no other bitches when you go to sleep!

14)
...need I say more?15)
...you were saying??But hey...who's counting?
thanx for everyones opinions. it really put it all in perspective. it will happen when it happens i guess. i wasnt planning on bringing it up again and i more than likely wont now. the ball is in her court. wait isnt that how it is most of the time??
luther
luther





