As some of you know, my family moved to London for my wife's job. While things are going great for me (good PT job, lots of free time, lots of time with my son, etc.), my wife isn't doing as well. Her job is very busy now and she is working 80+ hour weeks. This is taking a toll on her, mentally and physically. She barely sees my son and I, and when she does she is tired.

Most of the time she comes home crying, angry or shellshocked. The other day she said she feels like a failure. My son was sick this week so I stayed home with him. I called her at work and made her feel guilty for working so much. I feel horrible.

I think she is doing well at work, but she most likely burned herself out.

So my question is, what should I be doing here? Keep in mind that I work about 10-20 hours a week, my son goes to school during the day and she works about 12 hours a day.

I booked a romantic (no kid) trip to Paris next month and we are also going to the Canary Islands later in the month (with kid). I clean when I can. I don't cook for her because I can't and she is never home to eat it. I know all about flowers and stuff, but what else?

 

Sorry to say, but your wife is the one who needs to make the changes. She can't let work interfere with family, that's my rule of working. 12 hours a day is too much for anyone to handle, IMO. She needs a break, plain and simple. I don't know how flexible her work is, but she needs to cut down on her hours and prioritize. I know from your past posts that she makes a lot of money, but sometimes the money isnt worth the sacrifice.

Just keep doing what you doing, I'm sure she appreciates it.

 

Cooking is not that hard to learn and you should learn to cook for your son. She does not feel like happy. Can you just go back to US?

 

She seems unstable, like one day she may just say lets go back^^.

I don't want her hating my son and I...

 

Why does that even cross your mind? Is she giving you the impression that her career > family?

Sounds like your on the right track with those vacations. And learn to cook.

 

about the learning to cook thing.

And perhaps your wife can look into telecommuting once a week. If her job is stuff mostly performed at her desk, then perhaps a bit of telecommuting will allow her to at least be at home with you and the kid, even if it is doing work.

 

You and your son are the ONLY stable thing in her life right now...She needs you two to even her out and bring some joy to her life, to take her mind off work for the few hours she's home and awake.
Why on earth would she ever hate the two of you??

Make sure your son understands that when his Mom comes home, she is very tired and stressed out, so rather than being loud and energetic (like a normal kid) maybe you can do something quiet and relaxing as a family, like watching movies or something.

 

That sucks that she is working that much. Did she know what she was getting into when you guys moved? Anyways, the only thing you can do is listen to her complain and do all you can to make sure that she doesn't have anything to complain about at home.

 

Does her job require her to work that much, or is she a workaholic? See if you can find out if she really needs to be there that long, or she just thinks she does. Some people are just really driven like that. If so, then let her know how important it is that you and your son see her, and maybe see if you can get her to prioritize you guys better.

If in fact she does need to be there, I guess you're on the right track. Get some time away, those always feel refreshing.

 

I don't think that she will ever hate you and your son.....especially since she is working that hard for your son.

Maybe waiting up for her when she comes home and having dinner with her (that you cooked) once in a while. (I don't know if she comes home really late) Then maybe a nice hot bath and just talk to her while she is soaking in the tub. I am surprised I am going to say this but, don't make the bath/soaking sexual, just talk to her while she is in there.

on the vacations too!

 

is she busy at work to the point where you cant surprise her at the job with say luch or something how much time did you guys get to adjust before she started working i know when me and my wife moved to italy it was very stressful on its own without adding the stress of new country we both attended an intercultural relations class that got us fammiliar with some of the customs and language and whatnot did your wifes job have something like that or were they like welcome get to work im willing to bet it may be more culture shock than job (not the job is helping)

 

Life style changes puts a toll on the family, especially the person who initially made the changes, in this case, your wife. There is no doubt that she already feels guilty moving the family to London, by working 60+ hours and not being able to spend much time with you and your son makes it even worse. Being married to someone who works too much is a high-stakes game. popular term for the compulsive drive to work above all else, the consequences for health, relationships and home life can be devastating.
Figuring out when your partner has crossed that line and dealing with it head-on can be crucial yet confrontational. The emotional pain caused by workaholism must be addressed to avoid irreparable damage. That requires not only getting around the workaholic's ironclad defenses, such as "I'm doing this because I have to."; it also demands superb communication skills, plus the patience to remind the workaholic regularly of the life priorities you share.
A nice vacation plan is a positive way to approach this without getting into a heated argument. While you are on vacation, talk to her about the possibilities for her to work less, spend more time with you and your son. Make your point across so she knows she's working too much and you don't like it, yet let her know you still support the deicsion of moving there to London.

 

You could pose that same question to her. Tell her you've noticed these things and you want to be supportive and do whatever it takes to help her.

My wife just transferred from a stressful job. Before the transfer she was acting similarly to what you describe only not to that degree. She would come home every day and spill out all these frustrations. Every day I had to listen to this crap but I listened. I realized that by me listening she was unloading her frustrations. After about 30 minutes of her telling me about how work went she seemed to relax more, feeling unburdened.

 

It's amazing how taking on more responsibility like cooking will score you some serious brownie points. I have a similar situation with my wife. We both work full time, but she's closer to 60 hours a week. I try to do the cooking and cleaning (and I can't cook), and it has brought our relationship to a new level because she's not concerned with those items when she gets home. Even if you can't eat dinner at the same time, having dinner prepared and waiting for her will ease her mind.
In addition, act like a sounding board when she gets home. Listen as she talks about her day. Sometimes us guys struggle at listening because we want to solve every problem. Give her an opportunity to vent the stresses of her day. It sounds simple, but it makes her feel like you care.

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/

Get a cook book whiskey! Its fun and easy.

 

I'm pretty sure this doesn't help in your case, but...

My ex-gf's mom used to be a CFO at a bank, she would come home crying almost every night and completely stressed. She retired after a year of that with advice from her husband, who also was an ex-CFO. Unfortunately, she was probably in a little better position, financially, to do that. Sounds like your wife is going through the same stuff.

 

I got to run, but I want to post later tonight. I read through and good points and ideas. The reason why she may hate me is more of a jealously issue. Thanks.

Oh, and I did buy a cookbook. She is a workaholic, but never this bad, and she is not the only one in that office doing these hours.

 

Being a workaholic is one thing. When she comes home depressed that's different. I know with me when my wife was working and came home crying a couple times I didn't really know what to do. The only thing that worked was just letting her tell me all about it.

I think you need to talk to her about things. Is she working her ass off because she feels responsible for making cash? Ask her if it will help if you got a more full time job? Let her tell you know. At least it should mean something to her that you asked.

Good luck.

 

How do you suggest confronting her on it. She knows whats going on, and maybe this is her priorty now. And Im fine with that. I think a lot of has to do with the role reversal where typically the man in the one working long hours and the woman is working normal hours, if at all. I think women have a more natural nurturing feature, so in my wifes case, she feel seperated from her son. What do you think?

 

Yes, she told me she would be super crazy the first few months.

 

Without seeing her at work, I don't know. I do know that when she is home, she gets urgent e-mails and calls.

 

I can never predict when she will be home. If I learn to cook, I need meals that stay warm in the oven (opposed to frying pan stuff).

 

I don't think she eats lunch.....

 

 

So now it's 6:45 and she is in a meeting. My son and I are here. Its Friday. We need to eat, so I am going to take him out.

 

I see where she's coming from. In my house, it's just my sister and I, and she usually gets home an hour or more before me because her workday is shorter and she never has to stay late. So I'll get home and generally just act like I have a chip on my shoulder because I don't think she can relate to staying as late as is needed sometimes, since she lives in a "it's 4:27, it's time to leave" type of world. i.e. I think to myself "you guys must be a bunch of lazy slackers in your office."

And that's only with an hour or 2 difference. It would be 100x worse for me if I had your wife's schedule and my sister had yours. It might be a jealousy issue, or from what I see it's a "he can't relate to me and what I go through" issue.

 

Hopefully it calms down in a bit then.

 

Each marriage is different. There is nothing wrong with a woman working more hours, or even making more money than her husband. If you do not see it as a big deal, then you are a step ahead of the game.
You stated that she's working over 80+ hour weeks and is taking a toll on her. So you plan a nice vacation to ease her mind and spend some quality time just you and her. That already shows how much you love and care about her. She will see that, and will know she has a husband who has her back and support her. In days like when your son is sick, she will feel horrible. Based on the fact that she's there working instead of being home taking care of him. It's natural for women to feel that way and that shows she's a great mom.
Since both of you know the fact that she will be working long hours prior moving to London. You two kind of expect what the outcome will be, but actually dealing with it in reality can be harder than expected. I would suggest bringing it up to her during the 2nd day of vacation when both of you are relaxed and happy. Tell her how much you love her, you support her 100% in what she's doing, and things will be ok at home when she's out there working long hours. But also let her know she's working a bit too much, which isn't good for her own health and should try to cut down if she can. A relationship is built upon compromises, while a successful marriage is built upon sacrifices.

 

Some firms work harder than others. Some Investment Bankers work longer hours than doctors.

My aunt is a medical doctor, she is never home, she works least 10 hour days and my uncle does all the cooking and cleaning like Whiskers. Not everybody have a normal 9-5 job Mike.

 

I know. Is that the only part of my post you read?? I wish I only worked 9-5....

 

Whiskers, isn't the Blackrock merger complete? Is there an eventual slowdown or is this going to be business as usual? You said she's a workaholic, as mentioned above, maybe she needs to be the one to change.

Did she have a set timetable for when she would be able to come back to the US?

 

If she told you she might be a little crazy for a while then I would let it ride as much as you can. I'm sure things will die down. Keep your head up

 

Not quite complete. They are still merging in stages.


Contract is for 3 years.

 

Its easier said then done.

 

She met my son and I for dinner and we had a good one. I told her that I am glad we are in London and she smiled.

 

:ibthethreadwherewhiskersmeetsanotherwoman:

 

Stop giving him ideas, Dom!

 

I highly doubt that. I think he's a loving wonderful husband.

 

While my comment was a bit of a joke. Lets not forget whiskers Atlantic city rendezvous. Or was it Vegas, I can never remember.

 

My wife thinks Im having an affair. She asked me a few times.



edit: Im not....