So its kinda late here and I'm kinda depressed and kinda drunk and need to rant. Facebook is a bad place to do this because I don't actually know you guys and don't feel like I have to face this in the morning but can still receive an opinion that my close friends would give me. I'm not sure if anyone remembers but I put up a thread a while ago about my relationship ending and it sucking because it was a loss of a best friend and I was lonely and all that stupid bullshit. its been well i don't know how long its been all I remember is that it was on mothers day and you know what I've done since then? not to fucking much thats what, slept with a couple women, attempting to ruin someone elses relationship because shes hot and good in bed, a lot of drinking, started smoking again, and now trying to quit smoking but who knows how well that will go. So to get to the point of the title is I don't get while people date, I honestly don't know anyone out there who is really happy in their relationship. So why in the fuck would people date? Is it for the desire to be desired? if so aren't we more desired when we are single because the other person doesnt have you yet? or would it be for love? If thats the case well I just don't understand it, the only relationship I've been in where I've felt that love was worth it was in grade 10 and I was 16, what could I have known. along with the fact that the stress of life increases as you get older and take on more responsibility how can the stress of love (yes love is stressful, don't argue it) be worth the freedom that not having love is. And to go off in a whole new direction, why commit yourself when you know that the chances of it lasting are pretty much none, ok well maybe not none but 25% is not very much. My parents started dating in grade 11!! and they were together for over 20 years, which by todays standards is a long fucking time and still big fucking suprise my mom caught my dad with another woman?!?!?!

So really back to the point, I just don't get it. Why do people date and commit themselves? OH another good point... religion, can this be the reason why people commit? Not even date, I'm past that argument right now but commit. Monogamy is a thing of the past, this has been proven to me every time it has been tested. a perfect example, one of the girls I currently have interest in caught her boyfriend of 3 years sleeping with another women. She was convinced that they were going to get married and instantly that was done. Now around a year later we were flirty for a bit then ended up getting a bit closer and sleeping together, things were going great there was a date after and then it got a bit wierd... she kinda seemed resistent to hang out with me but still enjoyed talking and flirting. turns out soon after we slept together her and one of her friends started dating but she didn't want to tell me for whatever reason ( I didn't ask) So no big deal I say thats cool because I actually like the guy shes dating and we are still talking (also i just got out of my stupid relationship so I'm not even sure I want anything yet) So a couple days ago she says hey come to this bar because we havent hung out in a while and I miss you. So sure I went and yes her boyfriend was there but what ever, so he says some stuff to her and I'm like WTF you don't say that to women and I told her that it wasn't really cool and she deserves better. So after i left she is texting me (I hate texting its so easy to just say stuff and so hard to figure out what it really means) and starts to call me babe, then she says i want to be in your bed tonight. This same person said that she has never been hurt more and would never hurt anyone like that because she caught her ex cheating on her. PERFECT EXAMPLE of why there is no such thing as monogamy any more, not even someone who has devoted themselves to it because of guilt or pain can commit to it!

So agian why? Why would I want to get married to have a 75%ish of paying some chick who I no longer like money every month because she happens to be on the vagina side of the story? How come I would want to endure the pain of not trusting someone or another break up? Seriously if any of you are in relationships can you honestly say that you want to be in them 100%, I didn't feel like that in my last one and I really fucking loved her. And the worst part of it is https://acurazine.com/forums/dating-relationships-14/end-era-775697/ along with a thread I cant find but in this area called the stats win agian, I think the mods deleted it. But either way the stats win agian was about the same girl, it was the first time we broke up and it was a giant mess and basically i said in the thread that we werent getting back together but big suprise we did. I can say that since that last thread it is done, and for at least the next 10 years it will be. We had issues coming out the ass and this is the main reason I feel the way i do, in the end I felt cheated on, physically but believe that she didn't but emotionally (If you guys understand) and I just couldn't see her agian for a long time, I have so much resent for everything that the relationship stood for and hate myself for being there for so long. I like to say I have no regrets, and I probalby still love her but I made the mistake of sacrificing my graduating year and a lot of friends for her, at the time I thought it was all worth it because I was head over heels for her. Now I don't know because we did have fun and all the BS but was the sacrifice worth the gain, especially since the gain didn't follow through? I don't know, now I feel lost and like I'm going to hurt every women that comes into my life because I don't want to get close to anyone, like at all. I feel like I have 1 mayyybbbee 2 (a large maybe) friends that I can be close to, but that is it. Last quesiton, does anyone else here hate being accused of cheating if they have never even given reason to make the other person think that?


/End rant


Thanks for listening guys, this website has helped me through so much and I love being able to come on here and just rant. Just being able to get the words out of my mouth and have someone's opinion really helps, even though I honestly have no idea who's opinion I am getting. Thanks Acurazine

Edit: I know I'm 20 please don't say your young you will recover, I know this and don't want to hear it

 

I read half, or up into the point where you say you want to be single, blah blah blah.

BE SINGLE! date around. fuck as many chicks as you can. (without getting a disease of course)
be a player. always tell the girls your intentions...i want to fuck you, and continue to fuck other women. Don't buy women things. Be a dick. Dont be tied down. have lots women friends.

this is all of course if you can handle being casanova. with your whiney ass rant, i don't think you can handle it at all.
women hate weak men. period.

 

I stopped reading after the second sentence.

You should date as many women as you can in your young age, but women like confidence.

Either that, or buy yourself a Corvette and hit up some local bars. Might even score a cougar.

 

Honestly best advice I have heard yet


and ya this isn't really anything worth reading, just an outlet for me to just get it out

 

Glad you didnt take it the wrong way.

Basically be a man. stop being a pussy.

 

Normally I don't chime in on relationship threads, but I wanted to offer the benefit of a little of my experience here.....

The right behavior will cause more than 90% of all women to pretty much feel the same way, and have the same emotional reactions.

Especially women in their 20's... you press button A, you will get result B. It doesn't matter much if she is a "loser", tall, short, Irish, or Jamaican. Most women, and even most men, share an amazing amount of smilarity when it comes to this. Certain things are universally hated (lying for example), and certain things are universally loved (social success for example). Women look for certain qualities, and although most women are different, the majority of what they seek when you really examine it, is incredibly universal.

"Love" is just a chemically induced high. It is sexual. Just like any high, it will end and there is nothing you can do about it. That kind of love has limited value. It comes, it goes, and usually not for both people at the same time.

For men, the requirement is physical attraction. Take it away and "that" love is gone. For women, it's psychological attraction. It comes in the form of emotion.....an excitement in some form.

There is little a woman can do to make that love stay for a man, other than be physically attractive. She can lose some of that and replace that love with another type of love, but that's not what we are talking about here.

The man however can make the psychological attraction stay much longer depending on his behavior. A detriment to that of course, will be any sort of "need" to make that love stay there for him, from her. Funny thing is as he sees it slipping away, he becomes more desperate, more needy for it to stay. His behavior changes for the worse; and like sand, the harder he tries to hold on the more it slips away.

You will always be dissapointed eventually. But you can make it last a real, real long time if you get the initial attraction, and be the type of man she wants to be with, yet cannot own.

Guys see a woman they like and basically take everything out of their bag and say "Here you go. Take anything you want". She hasn't earned a thing yet and it's already all available. So she sees little value in any of it because it was all free. That kills the deal right there. Really attractive women have a very low tolerance level for that. There are too many other interested guys for her to put up with someone that's too available.

She would also like to see you be desired by others (even for friendship in the case of other men). She says she wants kindness, honesty, integrity, self-control.....but will physically react to the ex-con because playing with a loaded weapon generates adrenaline.

The rest is a dance...

Rant off

 

You are spot on Tim.
If OP learns these secrets, he'll have no problems with women.

 

This is by far the longest post I have ever seen on any forum on AcuraZine.

There's some good stuff to being in a relationship. Most people do it for the affection, and that's understandable. You just hang out with shit girls

 

This is the best advice I've seen posted on this forum in quite a while.

 

i hear you OP. a lot of that was drunken babble, but the general emotional strain your feeling i am going thru. i posted a thread a few months ago about my relationship ending. we have been trying to work things out, but i dont know if its going to happen. i was basically the cause of our breakup, but now i am not so sure if i want to get back together, but she does. i feel she has changed for the worst, and she has become more selfish.

for instance her bday is on saturday. i was trying to plan something nice for us to do, but she texts me today saying she wants to go to florida with a friend of hers to go party. its her birthday, but she has been telling me to take off from work all week so we could go out.

sorry for making this about me, but i know that i am an emotional mess right now and think many of the same thoughts you do. i feel so exhausted, and i hate feeling depressed and knowing somebody else can control how my mood is for the day. it makes me want to run away from realtionships. i am by nature monogamous. i like the commitment, the trust, the affection, the feeling of having a partner in life. its cool, but it sucks when it doesnt go how you plan. thats the thing about love though, its a gamble. no big payoff comes without high risk.

you'll grow from your situation, i know i have grown a lot. because of my situation, i ended up moving to an unfamiliar city finding a roommate on craigslist and settling down 450 miles from my friends and family. my roommate is awesome, my job is cool (though it is just to pay the bills until i finish school) and i am starting to make new friends (albeit slowly). bottom line, you come out smarter, wiser, and will be appreciative of a good woman when you find one. good luck to you.

 

Ya a lot of that was really drunken babble, but man did it ever help me sleep. and honestly this has been some of the best advice I've had yet.

 

Think about it this way......

If I was to put a spectacularly beautiful woman in front of you right NOW, one that was funny, pretty, intelligent... one that you had an awesome time with and couldn't believe how good looking she is everytime you looked at her, you would not be worrying a whole lot about every woman that caused you to start this thread, right? Believe me.

See, as guys, we tend to forget about women's sometimes stupidly irrational emotions, and start thinking logically like guys do. Problem, solution. Logical.

The fact that women run on emotions is a hindrance if you don't know how to handle an emotional being, but it is a plus if you do. So everything that lead up to this thread is just a wake up call, the best thing that happened to you, because from here on forward you can learn and have much more success. You can one day look back and laugh at this, but the thing I want to get into your head is that you need to change some things. If you don't, you will be in for more of the same, or you will get into a long relationship then be dissapointed because it wasn't what you thought it was.

More next post, then I'll shut up

 

Tim, thanks. I didnt have the words and or time to go into such detail as you have.

looking forward for your next post to expand my knowledge on women.

 

The one thing that many guys don't understand and are reluctant to accept is that to have a successful relationship, you have to be the in-control man at every level of the relationship. And women begin to filter guys at a pretty young age for this, especially attractive ones because they have a lot of men around.

Even at the most initial interaction with a woman, when you say "hi", she has started her filtering process. You haven't spoken yet but she has made 10 judgements about you. Before you even noticed her, she may have been watching what you are doing, who you are talking to, how you are behaving. You may have already lost it all before you even opened your mouth. And then guys think it had something to do with what they said. LOL... "My opener was bad" they think to themselves. The opener doesn't even matter. I can open with "did you know that crap is brown?"

She is looking for confidence, because a non-confident man will never be able to give her what she wants. If she is ready to get hitched then she needs confidence in her partner, and if she is young and having fun then she needs confidence and control in the bedroom. If you do well and look confident, she will still continously test you to see whether you hold up, or whether you fold. She may be negative towards you right off the bat. "Do I know you?"... "why are you talking to me?"... "Can you hold this for me?".... "Can you get me a drink?"... It won't stop. She is looking for cracks. This isn't something women do conciously, they just do it. They can't waste all sorts of time with a loser. Be a hot girl and you will see 50 guys a day hit on you, it doesn't leave you with a lot of spare time.

So beware of this natural tendency to be tested. Don't get upset because an interaction seems to not have gone well. A woman being upset is not always a bad thing. If you are single, you need to get this idea of one relationship, next relationship, third relationship OUT of your head. If you are going from one to the next, thinking the next will be the good one, you are going about it wrong. It is not about the relationship or the girl. It is about who you are. If you become skilled, a lot of women will always be around. The next test will come when one is upset that others are around... and she'll try to change that in any way that she can. If you spend too much time with your car, or your friends, or what have you (in her mind), and you capitulate, you've lost.

She will play her game with you, and most guys fold and decide OK, it's a relationship between you and me only. At that moment, even if she got what she wanted, more security, she also lost just a bit of her attraction for you. Keep going down that same road, and she will say "we need to talk, its not working out for me". Yup, she did it, but now she wants out of it. In the same way that she will start a boring topic of conversation with you, then get bored and call you boring for it.

Sucks, don't it? Like I said, it's a dance......

Okay, I'm done

 

Rubbish.

If you're going to listen to someone's advice on relating to women, listen to 1Louder. The above is simply advice on how to get laid by party whores in bars.

 

Well I could post a picture of my ex and tell you that she is a fun person to be around. I'm not going to say ya I know how to handle female emotions because obviously I don't. I feel like I have some skill in manipulating them which has proven to have both positive and negative outcomes for me in the past. Whats tough for me is dealing with the emotions that females cause or idk, its really confusing but I've done well in the past soo thats even more confusing.

Looking forward to your next post

 

damn tim, never seen this side of you lol

 

you need to get over your emotions. act like it doesnt bother you. you're coming off as weak.
and no one said to manipulate women. ALWAYS tell the truth.

 

Hey, we're young. I'm 23 and have NO intentions of settling down ANY time soon.
maybe when I'm 30.

 

I don't think of it like that at all. You have to remember that there's no way to really express things as subtle nuance versus direct confrontation on any and all relationships. It's all situational. Some of this won't apply at all to some women, but by and large, that's what it's like dating on the dating scene.

 

Being 20 years old, you're thinking WAY too much about this stuff and it's painful to see, but it's a common thing. Stop trying to make sense of young girls..you're just wasting your time.

Concentrate on yourself and what you want to do and don't let this dumb shit get in the way.

 

Honestly, Scott's adivce is the best I've seen thus far. Tim, I give you props, that was very well thought out, but doesn't apply to most women, at least not the ones that I associate with. I thought much the same as you do when I was quite a bit younger and just going after women to sleep with them, but if you're looking for a real long term relationship, almost none of that really applies.

OP, the best thing you can do is not think about it, or her. She's not worth the stress. I know that's easier said than done, but its what you're going to have to do. Spend time with friends, pick up a hobby, pick up more hours at work, do whatever you've got to do to keep your mind busy. If you keep busy the stress will start to go away. Concentrate on you, your goals, and what you want to do.

 

I have to disagree, or maybe just clarify. These these things you describe are not "love". They are lust, which is physical attraction. It's not love.

The problem with the English language is that we use love to mean a dozen different things. I can say I love my wife, I love my kids, and I love pizza. However they are far from the same thing.

The Greeks do it much better. They have four words to describe the different aspects of love.

Phileo - brotherly love (like you would a close friend)
Stergo - family love (like you would your mom or dad, or your child)
Eros - erotic love (i.e. lust)
Agape - basically the decision to act in the best interest of another.

Everything you just described is Eros. So why is this important?

A good marriage requires both Eros and Agape, but in the long run Agape is the foundational element. The problem with most people is they mistake Eros for the kind of "love" we talk about when we speak of people who are married for 50 years. Eros is not the only reason why people are married that long.

If you base any relationship on transient feelings like lust or feeling "happy" you are doomed. Period. This is the type of relationship that constitutes the 50% that end in divorce. I think most people don't recognize that what they feel for someone is in this category. The're getting laid and the chick makes them happy. Must be love, right? Wrong, at least not in the "I want to build a life with you" sense of the word.

You'll notice Agape is a decision. It's not a feeling that can come and go. I've been married for 20 years, and I can tell you that as much as I care for my wife there are days we don't like each other. Comes with the territory. If you don't have something stronger than those moments underlying your relationship, they will start to fail. Most of the time being a good husband comes natually because of what my wife means to me. Sometimes I have to decide to be a good husband. Eros + Agape. That's how it works if you want a lasting relationship.

So back to the OP. You asked why. For me, because I wanted to share my life with my best friend. I wanted a family. I wanted someone there when I come home and I've had a bad day. I could go on but this is getting long. Simply put, I wanted a partner in life.

Not everyone is cut out for that. That's what I wanted. I'm not saying that's also what you should want. Given your present state of mind, most of the advice above is what you should consider.

But know this - I have many friends that are 40-ish who are single and very happy. I had a close friend get married for the first time last year at 42. I have friends that have been happily married for 15-20 years. My parents are going on 50 years. My grandparents were married 72 years. Point being is that most of the replies are very down on relationships, but that's only one perspective. Don't be so jaded by your experiences that you blind yourself to alternatives.

Good to know who you are. Good to work with your present state of mind. Just don't paint yourself into a corner by only listening to one side of the issue.

Best of luck to you.

 

Thank you! And I agree with your second point.

Tim - if that's how you approach relationships, then those are the only kind of relationships you'll ever have. You will get what you look for. Period.

 

If you want to get laid, then play a game (or do the "dance").

If you want something more, you have to be authentic and at some point vunerable. My wife knows the very worst things about me, and she stays. I know the worst things about her, and I stay. That's not a dance. That's two people who decided to build a life together.

You have to decide what you want, then go do the things to achieve that. But my advice to anyone on this forum is don't interact with women in a way that will only get you laid if you are really hoping to find somene special. Don't interact with a women like you are looking for a wife if all you want is to get laid. Just understand what you want and go act appropriately, but don't fool yourself into thinking that playing games with women will somehow produce a life partner. I'm not saying you are implying that, but I know a lot of men do that.

 

I've been married 15+ years. We got married because we wanted to be together, and I think each of us wanted to make the other happier than when we were apart.



Of course, my wife does sometimes say that I have no idea how a relationship works. She just doesn't want me to have girlfriends any more.

 

The advice that I posted is based on advice I was given years ago, and I found it to be true.....moreso by observation than practice. If I would have taken the word "sexual" out of the posts, then it wouldn't seem that I was talking about sex. I didn't want to ignore that factor either, however.

Rather than go in-depth into an explanation of my own life that would derail this thread from the OP, my comments are not about being a "player", it's about interactions between men and women, that may or may not be the case in your relationships, but hold currency nonetheless.

I could discuss this for days, but I think I'll just go back to selling parts

 

Everyone needs to have at least one cougar story.

 

What Tim post is exactly how the girls my age think.

What men do, behavior wise will turn girls off. you have to play the dance in order to court a girl.

Once we get older, we dont have to play the game that much becuase time limits on life etc.

 

I could too.

I think its wise for all men to invest in understanding how women think regardless what you want from them. But you can use that knowledge in two ways. You can use it to manipulate a woman into a course of action (I'm at work so I'll clean up my verbs... ). Or you can use that understanding as a tool to build a relationship.

I guess I react the way I do to represent the side of the debate that says that you do not need to manipulate a woman to meet them or be in a good relationship. Understand, absolutely. React appropriately, yes. Manipulate, no. Manipulation undermines trust. Also, I want to represent the side of the debate that says marriage can expose you to great joy and a fulfilling life. However, life isn't easy just because you are married. Life brings everyone trials. Having someone else just gives you one more shoulder to lean on.

 

I need pics of said lady friend to give my profound advice.

 

^careful of what you wish for.
i delivered last time and you were surprised.

 

 

dude your 20 yrs old man. you don't need to get tied down yet. you need to go and hang out with friends, go out and be reckless, fuck every girl you see or go out and do w/e you please. i'm going to be 25 in 3 months and i just got out of a serious relationship and girls will mind fuck you and shit like that. i've almost gotten engage with my ex but i found out she was lieing to me for 2 months and me not knowing it. we lived with each other and me not know she was a good actor for doing it. all our friends told me she was trying to get with one of our good friends and w/e and he just turned her down and she kept trying with other people and just kept getting blown away.

Just go and HAVE FUN MAN!!! YOU DON"T NEED TO GET TIED DOWN AT THE AGE OF 20 unless she's prego's you know. that's a diff storie but drinking doesn't solve the problems either i've been single for 3 months and i've drank my ass off everynight because of what she did and its not healthy. right now we're trying to work things out and see what'll happen.

 

Yes, women like confident men who know what they want and are honest about it... BUT... it doesn't mean you have to be a dick! There's a difference, you know.

If you act like a dick and you get a girl, she's not the kind of person you want to be with.

 

Any girl (or guy) that allows themselves to be walked all over has self-confidence, self-worth, and self-esteem issues.

 

Sounds like you need to take your own advice

 

I can't help but every time you use that.

 

Oh, and uh....1Louder gets teh .

 

20