TS_eXpeed

Need advice from others who have gone through a similar situation. I'll try to make this brief.

I dated this one girl for almost a year before I broke up with her back about a year and a half ago. This whole year and a half period since then, we've had about 4 month long periods where we end up fooling around with each other and then it just dies off as one of us would distance ourselves. For me I kept on going back to her because of the inherent reasons I was originally attracted to her, but I don't want to ever date her again because of deeper conflicting issues we have.

Well once again, we started fooling around a little over a month ago, and last weekend she came and stayed at my place and hung around DFW. Fooling around caught up and she wanted to talk about it all.

After over 4 hours on the phone with her, the ultimate decision came down to that we don't want to keep this vicious cycle going, so we said no more. She said she needed to distance herself until she felt she wouldn't have any urges to 'approach' me like that anymore, and I respected that decision.


My question is, unless/until either one of us, or both of us find someone else, is it really safe for us to hang out even if she feels like she has finally let go? I have this sneaky suspicion that this whole thing could just as easily start back up again.

Should I just stay away from her completely???

TS_eXpeed

....and the reason I ask this too, is because outside of a relationship, she's just a really cool person overall, and I would like to stay friends with her; I just don't know how long should be considered "safe".

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Tough to say.

Let me ask...have either of you dated anyone significant since you broke up? The fact that you keep hooking up with her may be holding you back from getting into a different relationship.

And yes, it could lead to you guys starting back up again. Is this something either of you want? You need to figure that out.

If it were me, I would cut ties and move on.

TS_eXpeed

No.
Neither of us have had a significant relationship since we broke up.
And what you were saying about holding me back is one of the big reason I said I wanted this to stop all this business.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

You're 18 and have gone 18 months without any other significant relationship. Do you think that maybe the reason for this is that you haven't let go of the past?

Let go. Move on. The faster you do this, the better. Yes, maybe you will have a lack of sex, but it will be better for you in the long run.

mamitaxchula

iTrader: (1)

the only way to break the cycle is to stay away completely. Hanging out will lead to the same end result and continue to keep you both from moving on.

1Louder

In high school before I met my wife, most of my women "friends" were ex girlfriends. There was no problem breaking it off - even after some post break-up fooling around - and still hang out. So it can be done, and it can be a good thing. Fundamental question - can you both hang out and not fool around. If you really want her as a friend, I'd suggest being the one to enforce not fooling around any more, even if she comes on to you. Someone has to step in and break the cycle - you just have to shut it off. If you keep fooling around, you're just going to have more of those phone calls...

Dr. Colorado

I'd just got off contact completely. I think ultimately it's inhibiting your potential to meet other women. Dating other girls will provide some perspective because right now you're just treading water and not really going anywhere.

JJ4Short

It matters
My high school girlfriends - I am still friends with and we are all cool still, even if they/I date someone else.

College girlfriend- Can never and never will be friends with her. We are cool and all and friendship is fine but neither of us can stand seeing each other with someone else. We don't talk anymore just for that.

So I guess it matters really how serious you were.

TS_eXpeed

It's the most serious relationship that I've ever been in, and to be honest, I can't say I wouldn't harbor any jealousy towards another significant other she may come by down the road even if I know I want things to move on.

I don't know.

It's played harder on my mind than I thought it would. I thought I wouldn't think much of it. But now that everything has been completely cut off. It's weird. I just keep on reminding myself that there is someone out there better for me.

Trackruner228

iTrader: (1)

Honestly its probably a good thing that you can still be friends with your ex. Like one my ex's I used to have dreams about the fucking whore bag being deported to Antarctica with only a t-shirt and other horrible things like that (some way worse thoughts that I wont post). I think if you can you should do your best to keep the friendship with her. Trust me bitterness is not fun.

love099

it's ok to keep your friendship with an ex, coz trackrunner is right, being bitter with an ex is entirely fun at all...

JJ4Short

Nooooo I disagree. While bitterness is not fun, being friends with them will lead to bitterness. When she starts plowing some guy you will turn bitter quick as shit. My ex from high school hated my new girlfriend in college. She used to say smartass shit all the time when we would talk.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

I have a couple ex's that I may respond to an e-mail from, but that's it. There is a reason we are ex's. I think you need to move on. Like JJ said, the though of her being with another guy once she makes that move will hurt a lot. And she will feel the same about you dating someone else.

1killercls

18...

EuRTSX

Your jealousy only displays your frailness.

Trackruner228

iTrader: (1)

That's a good point. I never remained friends with any of my ex's. Even even the ones that I didn't have a bad break up when we just lost touch. Just make sure whatever the outcome is you wont be holding a grudge.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

yohan81718

^ actually.. if you read that number in Korean, it means F in Korean.. and I'm serious too

EuRTSX

^Yep, it sure does.

Man.. I gotta Room 9 really bad..

darksom1

Complacency/comfort...

That is what we are dealing with here. It is not about is it safe to allow this to go on, you are allowing it to go on because it is safe...

This girl is like an old shoe or glove to you. Yesterday's news, but still feels good. However, not the "featured attraction" you want in your life, but you are afraid to move on because you are comfortable with her. You know her bite. But alas, nothing ventured...nothing gained...

The only danger in this is you are not growing as productively as you should from a social standpoint. Once you get over the wall that your ex represents, then you can see that there are many more challenges to be conquered, and you will gain the wherewithal to confront and handle them as they present themselves. But for now, you are stagnant because of the old shoe...

Be careful...one day, old shoes will start to smell and fall apart at the seams...get downright funky my dude...

Now, go forth...divide...and conquer...you are 18, get committed to your social progression, and not your previous erections...

dalieu

That's the way I see it. Unless you moved on and don't have any feelings for her anymore, else I would stay away.

YoungCeo

Wow. I am in this EXACT situation. Broke up with my ex two weeks after the Dark Knight came out. Didn't talk for a month period. Then a text here and there, and one day i had a HORRIBLE day and she said is there anything I can do? I chuckled and said there is, but no I'm okay...within a few hours I was smashing it like never before. And thus, the adventure begins again. I know deep inside that I will NEVER get in a relationship with her, and at some point, one of use will either A. get tired of not having a committed relationship or B: find someone else. Its funny because A. is much more likely for her because she has started to press the issue of us being back together and her being into me (even though we argue now more than ever) and it will NEVER happen. So...soon she will say I can't do this anymore, and I will accept that and move on. I think this time we'll almost have to go cold turkey, because I realize for me it is VERY easy for me to go back, initially just for the sex, but then its never ever just sex, and soon she's cooking breakfast and inviting me over, and dinner, and wanting to go out yada yada...I hope I haven't made a mess of our friendship because like you, she could be one of my best friends. But the friend portion of it has been blurred. Hopefully when we end, its without too much heartache and pain.

aznkikaz

iTrader: (2)

my experience tells me to stay the fuck away. the more you mess around and more you guys just "talk," doesn't help you in the long run bud. i broke up about 2 months ago and i haven't talked to her ever since. i think the deeper the relationship went, the less likely you can be friends with them, at least not for a long long long long time.