Got Divorce Papers in the mail today...
09-21-2007, 07:20 PM
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Jeez Chris - you seem to be handling yourself really well as of late, with all the decisions & reactions you've made. It's an inspiration to see how strong you are being through this & really puts little inconveniences in life into perspective. Thanks for that.
I sincerely wish that you guys could work things out and/or that she will give you more time. Like you said, I hate to see a broken marriage, especially with a child. Perhaps you can change her mind by showing her your stability. Ask her for some time, if that's what you want. Otherwise, I agree completely with your focus on your son. Just as long as he knows how much you care for him, he'll be just fine.
I sincerely wish that you guys could work things out and/or that she will give you more time. Like you said, I hate to see a broken marriage, especially with a child. Perhaps you can change her mind by showing her your stability. Ask her for some time, if that's what you want. Otherwise, I agree completely with your focus on your son. Just as long as he knows how much you care for him, he'll be just fine.
09-21-2007, 09:58 PM
#42
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Originally Posted by ChrisKelly5
Yeah, I just got done talking with her for a while... we are going to try and do it through a mediator (out of court)... I told her I would pay for it that way... told her we could have joint custody with her as the primary... I would pay her $600 in child support, and we would alternate holidays if we were not spending them together...
Does that sound half way decent?
I really just wanna make it easy, I don't wanna fight with her, or go through a messy divorce... I already have enough to deal with every day.
Thanks again guys.. you all make me feel half way sane.
Does that sound half way decent?
I really just wanna make it easy, I don't wanna fight with her, or go through a messy divorce... I already have enough to deal with every day.
Thanks again guys.. you all make me feel half way sane.
have no idea what it feels like to go through this, but your plan sounds right on track. Keep it civil. Did she agree to your suggestions?
Sorry to hear about your situation. Hope everything works out for you.
09-22-2007, 03:09 AM
#44
Sorry to hear, Chris, it was in no way your fault. You did the best you could IMHO, and were strong enough to support yourself in rough times, and you did it without her support.... she was the selfish one. 
It can only get better from here on out. Use the negativity and turn the momentum against itself and just get more and more positive. Best of luck.
It can only get better from here on out. Use the negativity and turn the momentum against itself and just get more and more positive. Best of luck.
Last edited by Costco; 09-22-2007 at 03:12 AM.
09-22-2007, 04:57 PM
#45
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Originally Posted by I Go To Costco
Sorry to hear, Chris, it was in no way your fault. You did the best you could IMHO, and were strong enough to support yourself in rough times, and you did it without her support.... she was the selfish one.
It can only get better from here on out. Use the negativity and turn the momentum against itself and just get more and more positive. Best of luck.
It can only get better from here on out. Use the negativity and turn the momentum against itself and just get more and more positive. Best of luck.
) ... $300k home, Lincoln Navigator, etc, etc, etc... I know that the material things aren't so important.. but, it really was like a dream life... I just had a very dark secret locked up inside.
Oh well.. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason.. so.. I guess I will see what God has in store for me...
09-23-2007, 10:59 AM
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it was hard for me at first when my ex filed for divorce. The best part of it was I don't have to constantly raise hell with her to do anything(i'd work 10-12 hours 5-6 days a week she didn't work she didn't keep up the house(cook,clean, anything) i'd come home she's watching TV being a deadass. she i think in the course of 1.5 year we were married made 2 meals (DEAD SERIOUS). I had to pay for my own b-day gift and christmas gift for 2 years. 
only thing that sucks out of the whole deal was i don't get my daughter as much as she does. but my stress level went down big time.
only thing that sucks out of the whole deal was i don't get my daughter as much as she does. but my stress level went down big time.
09-23-2007, 12:14 PM
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That's good to hear everything is being kept civil...
Just remember - you never know what can happen in the future...keep ya head up and keep on truckin like you have been. With the mindset you've been since everything...things can only get better
Just remember - you never know what can happen in the future...keep ya head up and keep on truckin like you have been. With the mindset you've been since everything...things can only get better
09-23-2007, 12:34 PM
#48
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I'm sorry to hear Chris. You know, when you marry someone they are supposed to be there for better or worse. She obviously couldn't handle the worse and you need to think about that. There might be better times ahead and you might find that girl that is willing to be there for you through the bad times and the good. Good luck man.
09-23-2007, 06:59 PM
#49
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Originally Posted by GIBSON6594
I'm sorry to hear Chris. You know, when you marry someone they are supposed to be there for better or worse. She obviously couldn't handle the worse and you need to think about that. There might be better times ahead and you might find that girl that is willing to be there for you through the bad times and the good. Good luck man.
09-23-2007, 07:18 PM
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what are your thoughts on putting it back together now, Chris? Do you think there's a chance you guys could keep it together? How likely do you think she would be to want to? How much do you want to?
If that's too personal, don't worry about answering - I just think it helps to talk everything out.
If that's too personal, don't worry about answering - I just think it helps to talk everything out.
09-23-2007, 10:42 PM
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Every ending is a new beginning, take this time to move forward in your life and to continue bettering yourself. I know you might be blaming yourself for all that's happened, but the way I see it, it's a blessing in disguise. You may not realize that now, but if you really think about it, your wife should've been there through those hard times and willingly supported you. I think for her to give up on you and the whole family is just one thing that may not be so "perfect" about your life. I don't think you would want to be with someone who couldn't be there for you. As they say, things happens for a reason and this may be a wake up call to the person you thought really loved you.
Then again, I'm not quite sure what your whole story is, but if this is an indication of what your wife's character really is, then you're better off with someone else who can love you unconditionally. Hang in there and be the best father you can be to your child. Best wishes to you!
Then again, I'm not quite sure what your whole story is, but if this is an indication of what your wife's character really is, then you're better off with someone else who can love you unconditionally. Hang in there and be the best father you can be to your child. Best wishes to you!
09-24-2007, 08:15 PM
#55
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That is some sad news Chris.
Originally Posted by ChrisKelly5
Sorry I can't respond to everyones post.. but, thanks so much guys... I actually feel like I get more support here then I did in my rehab meetings. I truly appreciate it.
The hardest thing really is not being able to see my little man every day... he is my pride and joy, and it sucks knowing that he will grow up in a "divided" family...
I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this but... I have NEVER met my father. Have no idea who he is, or anything... I don't want my son to have to grow up like that... so, I guess my best thing now is to be the best father I can to him.
Anyways, thanks again for all the kind comments and support -Chris.
The hardest thing really is not being able to see my little man every day... he is my pride and joy, and it sucks knowing that he will grow up in a "divided" family...
I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this but... I have NEVER met my father. Have no idea who he is, or anything... I don't want my son to have to grow up like that... so, I guess my best thing now is to be the best father I can to him.
Anyways, thanks again for all the kind comments and support -Chris.
I do agree with TSX Night in that every ending can represent a new beginning. But while I love my wife to death, I would NEVER do the marriage bit again. IMHO, there is just too much downside and little upside no matter who one marries. Additionally, I have educated my 17 y/o son in this regard. Sorry for the marriage pessimism.
09-24-2007, 09:31 PM
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chris whatever you do with mediation get as much time with your child as you can. regardless of your addictions moving forward for the future nothing really matters more than your child. I don't care what your relationship is with your now ex is... you are a dad forever and you can always be a dad.
10-07-2007, 09:22 PM
#59
Chris, I feel for you!! I can relate to your situation a bit. I have never met my father, and I am going through a lengthy healing process after things didn't work out with a girl I was very much in love with for several years.
1)Time heals things, even the most intense unbearable pain. Its just a nasty dark tunnel. I promise there is an opening at the end that will be better for you if you WORK for it. Don't waste one ounce of thought on blame, regrets, or whether or not this mess is deserved
2)work out like crazy, get the endorphins up!! Its is the equivelent of anti-depressents!! this is proven. Plus you'll look better and feel better in that regard.
3)Grow and elevate your mind. Read read read. Open your mind. Change approaches to things so the results of everything isn't the same predictable stuff you have known.
4)Lean on people!! This was the part I had trouble with. I always thought I was the toughest guy, never needing any support. I think I cashed in all my chips with my break up. I needed every ounce of support I could muster up, even from people you'd least expect. It is comforting and beneficial to hear and know that others have gone through similar things and are OK, even though it doesnt seem like it. Baby steps!! The journey of a million miles starts with a single step right?!?!?
Good luck and be strong!!!
1)Time heals things, even the most intense unbearable pain. Its just a nasty dark tunnel. I promise there is an opening at the end that will be better for you if you WORK for it. Don't waste one ounce of thought on blame, regrets, or whether or not this mess is deserved
2)work out like crazy, get the endorphins up!! Its is the equivelent of anti-depressents!! this is proven. Plus you'll look better and feel better in that regard.
3)Grow and elevate your mind. Read read read. Open your mind. Change approaches to things so the results of everything isn't the same predictable stuff you have known.
4)Lean on people!! This was the part I had trouble with. I always thought I was the toughest guy, never needing any support. I think I cashed in all my chips with my break up. I needed every ounce of support I could muster up, even from people you'd least expect. It is comforting and beneficial to hear and know that others have gone through similar things and are OK, even though it doesnt seem like it. Baby steps!! The journey of a million miles starts with a single step right?!?!?
Good luck and be strong!!!
10-08-2007, 12:17 AM
#60
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Originally Posted by ChrisKelly5
I am not sure if I have ever mentioned this but... I have NEVER met my father. Have no idea who he is, or anything... I don't want my son to have to grow up like that... so, I guess my best thing now is to be the best father I can to him.
Any update?
10-08-2007, 01:39 AM
#61
Originally Posted by ric
Oddly, a lot of marriages break up after one partner or the other sobers up and "gets clean". It turns out that the partner actually meshed with the dysfunction of the addiction, and that when that is gone, the partner has something "missing". She may not be styling it that way, bro, but it may be the root issue. On some level, whatever she says, she may have a neurotic investment in your having been a drunk.
I attend a twelve-step program that supports folks who were sexually abused as children. Most of us arrive there after dealing with a variety of addictions, including alchohol, gambling, food issues, overpsending - you name it. As we clean up our lives, and figure out how to live an adult life, sometimes, the parnters just don't make it... I am witnessing three marriages right now come unglued because my friends in recovery are now far, far more healthy than their spouses, and the spouse cannot really handle the healthy state that their partner has moved into! Sad, grievous, but the choice is to remain dysfunctional or separate. In each of these cases, counseling failed; the partner preferred to remain 'stuck' in their old stuff.
I don't know whether this is the case for you, but I throw it out as a possible explanation. In any case, move your sober life forward with the clarity, self-awareness and self-care that you used to get sober, and somewhere, you will meet someone who values you for those attributes.
I attend a twelve-step program that supports folks who were sexually abused as children. Most of us arrive there after dealing with a variety of addictions, including alchohol, gambling, food issues, overpsending - you name it. As we clean up our lives, and figure out how to live an adult life, sometimes, the parnters just don't make it... I am witnessing three marriages right now come unglued because my friends in recovery are now far, far more healthy than their spouses, and the spouse cannot really handle the healthy state that their partner has moved into! Sad, grievous, but the choice is to remain dysfunctional or separate. In each of these cases, counseling failed; the partner preferred to remain 'stuck' in their old stuff.
I don't know whether this is the case for you, but I throw it out as a possible explanation. In any case, move your sober life forward with the clarity, self-awareness and self-care that you used to get sober, and somewhere, you will meet someone who values you for those attributes.
chriskellly5... as long as God knows your workin on ur life, its all good! My ex wife after 5 years is still trying to figure things out... and if i have changed... all i can do is pray for her and my son that she's raisin'... its one of the hardest things youll ever do but...im here to tell you that if you take this time to get close to God, you will never be the same again... i know this because i am livin it... im walkin, talkin proof brother. Mad prayers your way!
Last edited by DarkSithCL; 10-08-2007 at 01:42 AM.
10-08-2007, 08:14 AM
#62
Creepy guy in the mirror.
Sad news Chris. Keep your chin up - it sounds like you are already.
You mentioned your son growing up in a 'divided' house. You can view it from this standpoint - the house is only divided if you and your ex are on opposing fronts. If you maintain a cooperative and peaceful effort on raising your son, no one can ever refer to your family as being 'broken' or 'divided. If you set those terms now when your son is <2, you will find that by the time he is 8 or so it will be much easier. So while the mommy/daddy relationship will be different for your boy - the parenting will be the same. Too often one parent becomes too permissive in order to gain favor as the 'favorite' parent and it becomes a competition at the expense of the child.
All the best...
You mentioned your son growing up in a 'divided' house. You can view it from this standpoint - the house is only divided if you and your ex are on opposing fronts. If you maintain a cooperative and peaceful effort on raising your son, no one can ever refer to your family as being 'broken' or 'divided. If you set those terms now when your son is <2, you will find that by the time he is 8 or so it will be much easier. So while the mommy/daddy relationship will be different for your boy - the parenting will be the same. Too often one parent becomes too permissive in order to gain favor as the 'favorite' parent and it becomes a competition at the expense of the child.
All the best...
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