SG81

iTrader: (1)

your friend is dumb. if she doesn't do anything about this now, she will either end up being abused all her life or killed by this guy.

JediMindTricks

:shakehead

SwervinCL

She needs to get away from him asap... Go to the hospital so that they have records of what damage was done.

imj0257

iTrader: (1)

I honestly don't know why there is a 'debate' about what to do.

1.cops
2.restraining order
3.never go back

I know girls are dumb sometimes and 'love' someone too much and 'can't' let go. but this just ridiculous.

TommySalami

Stogie was absolutely right when he said she would go back and sort of forgive him.

TommySalami

It can happen, too. A girl I went to elementary school with was living in Florida a couple years ago with her boyfriend, and he stabbed her like 30 times to death. Apparently he had a history of abuse, too, although nothing was reported to the police.

'01White3.2CL

dude thanks...so that other girl she was staying with and my friend got into a huge argument after she denied shit to the cop and after we realized how bad it is and that shes making a huge mistake. The one girl yelled at her and called her an idiot etc etc etc, which according to the website won't help, and yeah now they dont talk as of yesterday.

My friend IS really stupid on this matter and I agree with all of you here!!!, and thanks for the info guys. Idk im still gonna try to help her out, but itll take a while obviously...i guess im the only one left that can help her help herself...

thrashkid

Its not that she is stupid, in her head it is the normal thing, especially if she has been abused in any way for long periods of time. She is going to have to come to the conclusion that it is 1) not normal 2)not how she wants to live anymore. As a friend you can try to contact a local abuse shelter. They usually have people who have been through this who would be willing and a lot more adept at talking with her. Try to set up a time with your friend to go and talk with them. I lived like that for 9 years before I realized what the reality of if was. I have been away from that for almost 7 years now, sometimes it is still not easy. Be honest with her about how you feel, but don't be judgemental and aggressive. She gets that enough.

bukxanger

everyone is right... but the only thing you CAN do is just keep talking to her and make sure she's okay... and if it happens again... she BETTER listen to your advice... anyway.. this sounds like a good movie... who's gonna write the script?

'01White3.2CL

^please don't joke. but hey, if this has a happy ending, then maybe someone should write a movie...?

but im meeting with her tomorrow morning before i go to school. we both agreed we should talk, but she insists nothing is wrong. I will be using the advice mostly of the website Aznx TL posted and from thrashkid as well in terms of STARTING to talk to her. I realize how confused she is and that this is going to take a while, but i want to waste no time getting started and see if she starts to change her mindset.

but like i said, she wont admit it, or show that anything is wrong, but i can tell shes happy someone she trusts finally knows about it so she can vent her emotions, so i have to act on the support and advice i can start to give her.

again thanks everyone.

greco9885

iTrader: (1)

punch her in her fucking mouth to remind her of what happen...

'01White3.2CL

^ dude, dont get me started about how pissed off i am about this whole deal! im trying to help her b/c she needs it, but if things were under VERY different circumstances, then yeah that would sound about right...im just trying to stay calm here, in my mind, and when i talk to her...i almost want to yell at her, but that will do nothing, obviously!

i went from thinking like that tho, to realizing shes not all there in the sense that her abuse for so long [even before this guy came...like verbal abuse from family, etc] has her extremely confused...like i said im the last one she can trust and talk to since she can't hold many friends for obvious reasons...but im not about to let her get killed/throw her life away for no reason...

Aman

just make sure that you don't get her aggravated at you, because that will ruin everything.

Anhedonia

yes, dont try and force it, in this time of trauma, shell feel like any attempt to get her to do anything will set her off. its quite a good possibility she could be suffering from temporary PTSD, so definetly go easy and just let her know that your there for her and things need to be set right.

ZEUS'O3TL

damn that sux she went back...i dunno what makes a guy go fuking nutz enough to punch someone or abuse them if they really like/love their partner...if he's such a badass he should go out to a biker bar and pick on someone there and see how bad his ass will get beat...

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

Hope your talk went well this morning, denial and fear can be very big deterents but she needs to get a restraining order and gtfo and away from him. One of my best female friends from hs was killed by her abusive bf while trying to leave him. She was pregnant, and they were fighting, she got in the car to leave and get away from him and he shot her to death, killing her and their child

You NEED to get her some help, she NEEDS to never see that tool again. Have her cancel her bank card and move on. Also she needs to get her dad involved because he can help her stay away from the guy hopefully by one mean or another. No matter how much she denies, she needs to leave him and never look back. Guys like this piss me off to no end, and yet the girls stay with them for fear of their lives

FiftyFive

This sounds eerily similar to another situation happening to a girl i know.

'01White3.2CL

ok guys, we met for about an hour this morning. At first we were just talking about w/e, hanging out as usual...

then i finally told her "look, i just want to say im very very concerned for your safety and well being after saturday night" she knew what i was talking about...and as soon as i said that: bam!, she exploded with everything she had been holding back all this time...

she told me everything, how this was the 5th time it happened, how she wants to break it off but isn't sure how to, how she knows something is seriously wrong with him [likes his good side, but says theres another person "living" inside of him], how if they got married down the road and had a kid, how he would beat the kid too [girls always think about marriage], how she has lost most of her emotions of love towards him after Saturday...etc etc etc.

after we called the cops, she really saw how serious it was. she also said this guy got the shit scared out of him that he was busted...She said next day she told him that she needs some time away, he agreed i guess? then i said "but if you go back, you know it could very well happen again. you can do so much better, and you dont have to deal with all of that." she then said: "go back? you never know which way a break from a relationship will go", which she explained to mean shes trying to distance herself and ultimately end the relationship. i was so happy to hear all of this...if only she wasn't so scared to bust him Saturday!

but hopefully her new plans go through, and i gave her my FULL support. she'll bounce back, i know it.

tc48

be careful in a situation like this. I've been in a situation like this, he only difference is that im now bangin her... but becareful not to be to cushy and supportive and making everything roses. She has to stick up for herself, not have you stick up for her while she sits there.

With the girl I dealt with this the first time i found out about it I said alright I'll help you out blah blah blah... But I made it very clear that if she went back into the relationship, she was stupid, and my support ended there and she was on her own. He ended up getting a decent jail sentence for multiple charges.

Another thing to emphasize is that the charges aren't her vs him. They are your state vs him, her as a witness. What he did is illegal, and can be charged by the state regardless of her prefrence. He commited a crime and its up to the state to decide his guilt and punishment, not her. But it is her obligation to state truthfully what happened so that his behavior can hopefully be corrected.

'01White3.2CL

^ok that all makes sense, thanks. i mean i only said the few things i mentioned above, and she did alot of the rest of the talking, and tc48 got me thinking:

either, this 5th time was really her last straw, and she is starting to see reality, but is still confused on what to do meaning it will take awhile for her to fully get out of it, but she sincerely wants to.

or 2). all that stuff she said came out way too easily to get me off her back, and she is actually taking time away from him to see if there is any truth to what her friends say, but might get back with him in the end.

this is why i am trying to watch her closer, and give her advice, but at the same time, not pressure her too much or she'll get annoyed or get really mad and not care, etc. i dont plan on having a talk with her for a while to get her mind off of it, but have to see if she'll talk to me on her own from here on out, and see whats really in her mind...etc etc

AznX TL

its alot more common than most people think.

OP: good work on getting her to pour her heart out, it takes time but it seems that you're progressing along just fine.

01redcltype-s

he dont mean to but in but you cannot help someone who is not willing to help them self it's sad but true. i see this all the time from when i was little my own mother would get hit by my step father and at first she would be ready to leave then she would make it seem like it was ok your friend needs to wake the f$%# up soon this guy is bad news and a punk for hitting a girl

FreedomEagle50

you're in IL call that guy from the Exterminator show, Vexcon I think, and just tell him you have an oversize pest and see if he can terminate him hahah

I'm sure any of those would work and than after that just chill

FiftyFive

Yea, only problem with this one is her ex is a 6'4" 285 lb ex-pro wrestler

luckyAKAhappy

Sad but too many of these type of girls only learn after they have been killed. Call the cops, have him arrested and never look back.

pai_gow

Watch your back dude. If that guy is jealous of your relationship with his girl, he may come after you.

Ken1997TL

Lots of meat-head psychos out there who don't have much to lose..

Anhedonia

fixed. i actually just finished reading an article about this for my abnormal psych class. the connection between advanced levels of testosterone and interference with sarotonin levels.

Gfaze

This is where those programs/shelters for abused women come in. She needs to talk to people that have been there, know what to do and how to do it. They will clear things up for her and provide support so that she can heal and move past it.

Babnik

So in other words your friend actually lied to you about what happened, then revised her story.

How sure are you even that the revised story is accurate? Did you actually see any of these bruises on her body or dents on her car? Based on what I read here she could be making the whole thing up.

Street Spirit

Umm...that could very well be true, but I don't see what anyone would gain from making up an entire sequence of events, why she would get two friends involved, why she would want to create a story with such detail, and then why she would later reveal that this has actually happened to her before (by the same man).

I believe the OP remarked that his friend has grown up in other unhealthy situations. Often people who grew up in those environments carry on living in dangerous or unhealthy circumstances later on in life because it's what they're familiar with or what they believe they deserve.

It's extremely common for women in particular to deny the severity of maltreatment and try to cover things up. IMO, this can be because:

*they are afraid of the consequences should anyone find out the truth

*they are afraid for their lives or their families lives if they leave the situation

*they don't have a plan or know where to begin when they do want to get out of the situation

*they feel the need to protect the person mistreating them

*they don't believe they should be/deserve to be treated any better

*they mistake this for "love"

*they justify being beaten

*they don't know any different

*their s.o. might have taken away access to cellphones or family without his direct supervision - making it hard for her to get outside help

*they don't know who to trust with the info or who will believe them

*they think disclosing it or standing up to him will make things worse

*they're embarrassed and/or ashamed

thrashkid

^ x2 The fear of the unknown is huge in a situation like this. The abuse is something that you become used to, thus the breaking away from what is normal. Any time anyone changes a lifestyle, even something like smoking, there is a habit and patterns to break. And not knowing how to have a life without what you are used to can create more anxiety then walking around on eggshells and covering up for him.....

Babnik

Nevertheless some people are pathological liars and will make up very detailed lies even though they have nothing to gain from it.

Not saying that's necessarily the case here, but it is far from impossible.

Nyght Rhyder 786

danmm this kinda shit happens all the time i was in a similar situation but the girl is being mentally abused and i got the the point where i knew i couldnt do anything to help her anymore so i just stopped talking to her and i told her want would happen to her in the future and what i said happened now she lives with the skumbag and doesnt have anyone suporting her in anyway other than him and she is also 18. So this situation can go in many diffrent directions.