Ok so I call my girlfriend last night and immediately I sense that she is in a bad mood. So I see how her day was blah blah blah. Ask her if she has anything on her mind and if she feels alright, of course she says nothing is wrong. Anyways, still bitter and not really responsive at all. I finally call her out and she denies any of it and starts saying that I am accusing her for nothing. Um yea it is pretty obvious when someone is very short when responding and sounds annoyed that you called... So FINALLY I get it out of her and she says that I interrupted her "schedule." It was around 9PM and she was about to get ready for bed and had a few things left to do before then and that I had called right in the middle of that. She said that she was short because she was still thinking of what she still had to do. Sounds like she didn't give two shits about talking to me... Literally she was talking to me (or lack there of) like I had broken anniversery plans to see a monster truck rally. Oh and I am working double shifts right now for a few weeks and have had no time to see or speak with her. Pretty frustrating... What do you guys think??

 

If it's just this once, then let it go.

 

There's something deeper than what she told you behind her attitude. I think you should have asked for the 411 from the other guy who was there with her.

 

Not just once unfortunately... Sometimes she takes shit out on me for no reason. If she has a bad day she will sometimes throw that towards me... No one should deserve that shit

 

I did and he feels the same way!

 

Then you need to do one of two things. If you are serious about her you need to sit her down and tell her that taking her issues out on you is immature and unacceptable. If she wants to vent about things, that's what you are there for, if she just wants to beat up on you when she feels bad, she has got to get over it.

If you are not that serious about her, find someone else.

If you want to have a good relationship you HAVE to talk about these things. You obviously don't like being treated like this so letting her do it is going to eventually lead to you quitting the relationship. If you really like her you owe it to her and to yourself to try and solve this before it becomes "the last straw".

 

TzarChasm you're dead on. I have sat her down and said these things about how I am here to hear you out when you have a rough day and to ultimately help you and be there when you have a bad day. She does realize that she was out of line but I just have a feeling that it will happen again and again if not like in this scenerio but maybe something similar.

 

Well, you again have two real options, one being to cut your losses and move on.

If you like this girl, I would sit her down again and just say, "this has GOT to change". Now maybe this is a character flaw for her and it might take some effort to change. As long as she is willing to put some effort into it, there is no reason she can't learn to be less self-centered. It might take some compromise but all relationships do.

It's also possible you talked to her before, but she didn't know how serious you were. Or maybe she dosn't give a shit about your feelings. Either way, you can give it a shot and make sure she knows you are serious and that you can't go on the way things are. You are not doing either of you a favor by hanging in there till the last possible second.

 

Definitely agree with this. I for sure understand that this is a compromise. She is willing to put effort into it but it seems like she just hasn't. I sat her down a while back and since then this has still occured multiple times. Not like everyday but enough to make a dude go nuts. And yea I do care for her quite a bit. If we hadn't been dating for 2+ years this would be a different story.

 

Ah, frog soup.

Are you familiar with that term?

Frog soup:

This is the story of two frogs. The first frog jumped into a pot of boiling water. Feeling the heat of the water and sensing imminent danger, it immediately jumped right back out again and went on its way.

The second frog jumped into a pot of cold water and decided to bide his time for awhile. The heat was turned on under the pot and the water gradually warmed up. This frog actually enjoyed the initial increase in temperature. It was relaxing. As the water grew warmer it began to become uncomfortable but the frog was too complacent to move. After all, this had been quite an enjoyable experience for awhile ñ surely it would return to the way it had been. As the danger in the situation sunk in and the water began to boil, the frog could no longer escape and he succumbed to the heat and became the main ingredient in the delectable frog soup.

You, my friend, are frog number 2.

 

My rule of thumb is.

If I bring something to your attention and you make an effort to correct it.. I'm fine and will work with you on it. However, if I bring something to your attention, you acknowledge and say you'll work on it.. but fail to do so... then I don't work on it with you and I leave.

I'd rather end it after two years.. than 3, 4, 5 years. If she continues to do it over and over.. it will only get worse. IMO, her response to you was just rude and disrespectful... whatever she was doing, could of waited a few minutes to talk to you - given your situation of double shifts, etc.

Ugh, women are so stupid sometimes... (and yes.. before someone makes a smart remark about it including me - it does include me, too. I can just admit it)

 

Good analogy!

And I agree with R8J...doesn't matter how long you've been with someone, you don't just stay with them because you've been with this X amount of years...if the situation isn't right and the other person or yourself is not willing to compromise and fix it..it's time to move on...

you know this is going to happen over and over again, so ask yourself, can you honestly deal with this all the time?

 

Great analogy! Fortunately our relationship has never really been to a boiling point. This is really the only thing that has been frustrating and she has acknowledged that she was out of line. She also knows that if she continues with similar situations that ultimately things won't work out in the end. She also knows that I am not going to take things like this for much longer so I hope it works out in the end.

 

Probably just a bad day?

You know what they say; if there's 365 days in a year, about 300 of them will be a bad day for women.

No but seriously, your GF sounds like mine. Whenever she sounds short or frustrated, I ask her once if somethings bothering her. If she says its fine, then I tell her I'll be ready to talk to her when she's ready; then I usually go do my own thing and let her cool off.

Part of a long term relationship is understanding your partner; if she doesn't like talking about things immediately, then give her some time. I was like you in the beginning; wanting to know everything she was thinking/feeling immediately. But some people aren't wired that way. I know... sucks for us huh?

 

^^I know where you're coming from. Sometimes you can't be Dr. Phil to her so suck it up and let her talk to you about her troubles if she wants to, but don't force her to.

Of course if I were in your shoes I'd say "if you're busy, just don't answer the phone and call back when you aren't busy"

 

You hope it works out in the end, but will she respect your boundaries in the future... Or does she think you're bluffing?

 

No, she knows I'm not bluffing, I do know that and she is insistent on working on this. She has had problems that have occurred in the past and they did go away without a trace after being brought up. She did apologize again today. I am obviously not going to let my guard down and just forget about it though

 

Sounds like you're on top of it

 

For sure, thanks guys for the ear

 

^At least she admits she's in the wrong, has apologized, and is willing to take steps to resolve the issue. Still, actions speak louder than words. If she perpetuates this disrespectful behavior then I'd pull the proverbial parachute cord. I mean crap, she's getting ready for bed and then gets all aggro on you? WTF? I date the kind of girls who want to talk for half an hour at bedtime, blah, blah, blah while I'm thinking how soon I can turn off the light and get down to business.

 

There's another aspect you should consider. I'm wired to be a very schedule oriented person. I always have a "plan" for the day or the next hour sometimes. Disrupting that is always unwelcome. If I'm in the middle of something that I need to get done and you interrupted me to give me $1000 I'd probably still piss about it. It's just how I am. I'm aware of it, try to control it, but I don't know why I react that way. I probably have a touch of compusiveness (in fact, I know I do).

Anyway, if she's wired like that, she can't help it. It's not you - anyone on the phone would have been treated the same way. My wife is really good now at recognizing when I'm like that. She can tell immediately (usually when calling me at work). Most of the time now she just says, "you're in the middle of something, aren't you". I say yes, and she's good about getting off the phone. I usually call her later when I'm not so task oriented.

So don't necessarily take it as being rude or there is some ulterior motive there. See if she's like that about other aspects of here life where schedules and plans are involved. Is she spontaneous (or more to the point, very non-spontaneous)? Does she get frustrated when plans change suddenly? It may just be how she's wired. If so, I can only recommend patience and understanding on your part, but take the behavior for what it is.

OCD FTW!

 

Yea she definitely has OCD and is plan oriented and completely I understand what you mean. She understands where I am coming from and it is cool now. I am pretty patient when it comes to her planning and agenda. I hear ya man and respect that. I forget about a bunch of things and she realizes that and helps me remember things so it definitely goes both ways! I wish I had more OCD in me to get some shit done!

 

Yea man, she apologized and everything is good now. She realized that some things can be put on pause for a 5-10 minute convo to say Whats' up. It all good

 

solid

 

That's great - glad she apologized. I do too when I'm like that, so it's good she recognizes it. After 18 years of marriage, understanding the tendancies of the other is a huge benefit. If each of you know where the other is coming from and can recognize things for what they are, you can prevent a lot of misunderstandings or arguments before they happen. Good luck!

 

I totally agree with this (as usual!!) because I am the same way. My ex used to want to come home and give me a kiss. Didn't matter what I was doing..he wanted me to stop and give him a big hug and kiss the minute he walked in the door. I was vacuuming the house once and snapped on him because I was working my ass off cleaning and I really didn't want to stop THAT second and kiss him. He was very hurt and I looked like the bad guy. I do agree that if she was busy, while she answered the phone, she could have just said..hey..I'm kinda busy right now but can we talk tomorrow?? HOWEVER, she may be feeling stressed/guilty/frustrated because your demanding schedule is causing her to get her schedule out of whack. These things are never one sided!!

 

^^^

What a bitch.

I agree. Sometimes we all get caught up in what we are doing and it pisses us all off to be interupted. I'm pretty flexible and so is my wife, but I dated women that were extremely scheduled and they would get ticked if I called too late, or did things to cut into their schedule.

It's not the worst thing in the world, but it can get to be annoying. Just think about asking her if it is a good time from now on. And like Louder said, eventually you figure out when it is a good time. And learn their tendencies.