so, the g/f and I are at a crossroad of sorts. She is very busy with work which entails alot of travelling (leaves Sun or Mon and returns Thurs or Fri). She has 2 teenagers & house to keep up with. So we constantly get into not having enough time for us. We have been together 2 years now.

well, I m just curious as to what you guys think or if anyone has a good idea.

I told her that we should take a break from each other until beginning of Oct. I know she will want to see each other still but I am thinking we should just break contact (no calls, no dinners, etc).

what's your opinion? anyone ever do this and has a word of advice?

and no, I do not intend to date or screw around.

 

thats the dumbest thing ever. either its over or its not. you're older and wiser. you should know this. break is short for break up. if you dont want/cant be around each other now, you wont later

 

will you mind if/when other guys plan on screwing around with her?

 

that will not happen (her screwing around). She is way too busy at work. She is pissed at the situation too but she got this job 8 months ago after being out of work for 5 months. Her mortgage alone is $2,500, so she cannot afford to walk away from the job. And we all know what the job market is like now.

 

I'm no expert on taking breaks. But I'm curious about how it would change things or make them better. Sounds like you don't see her at all now - so formalizing it with a "break" just removes the obligation to stay in contact - doesn't sound like it would change how much you see her. So it sounds like you just want a break from even having to call or e-mail.

I think after the break you'd still be confronted with the same issue. Her lifestyle, job and kids will all still be there in October. Maybe a few months of being free of the obligation to stay in contact might recharge your energy for another round, but I bet by December you're back where you are now.

It sounds to me the underlying issue is that her job and family are not allowing her the kind of time you need to feel like this is going somewhere. I say "you need" but really any couple needs time together or things get strained. Maybe the discussion needs to be about either how you two can meet on common ground when it comes to having time for the other, or maybe it's just not going to work and time to move on...

 

wow! that hits the nail on the head on so many levels. What you said absolutely makes sense about the issues and the issues maybe resurfacing again. But I am leaning towards the break being a good idea as come December, it may be a different ball game. This woman was a big test for me since she has 2 kids but we connect on that one important level that I have never really connected with in previous relationships. And it goes the same for her. I got an e-mail from her tonight as she is in LA for work this week. I will reply tomorrow and have time to think this one out a bit more.

1Louder, thanks for the great reply. I will be re-reading it alot as focus is somewhat flighty right now.

 

breaks (IMO) dont work. they give an excuse for you to grow apart without missing them because you feel like you can still have them back at any moment. it's basically a safe way to move on with your life without feeling so guilty.

you have some years on me though, so that could be different in your case.

 

im sorry but this is pretty naive man.

i know people being busy at work and still have enough time to screw around. more stress usually makes women more receptive to someone who offers some sort of solace or companionship, especially during hard times. i know a colleague who left a wife and kid for someone he met during a office-related function.

in my opinion, breaks dont really solve the problem but just make it worse. does the phrase "grow apart" ring a bell?

imagine if you were married and your wife says she wants a break from you for a few months? you'd be naive to think it will solve anything. if you (and her) want to really be in a relationship, you guys stick together and work it out.

 

But he's a guy! You're comparing apples and oranges here

I'm only being half-serious, but I think guys are way more guilty of this behavior.

 

lol true

that being said though, nothing is ever 100% certain. whenever a "break" is initiated, it rarely ends in a good way.

 

well, I have 100% faith in her. She may meet someone else but she is not the type that would screw around. When I met her, we took it very slow as she is the old fashion type. I was married for 16+ years and never cheated. She was married for 18 and never cheated. But like I said, I have 100% faith in her. And she is always so damn busy with work, house and kids.

 

all i can say is i wish you the best of luck. who knows? like i said, anything can happen. if it works out good for you in the end, then I wish you all the best.

 

For me, a break never worked. Mostly because I was younger and thought more about myself than anyone else. So I can understand some of the responses you are getting.

If I'm not mistaken, you had a relationship thread a while back. I think you stuck with her through a lot and at this point you are both really busy. Nothing wrong with that, but it can definitely kill a relationship.

I agree with most of what 1Louder said. He's usually good with advise.

Here's the one thing I would say though. I don't know if a break is what you need unless it is the first step in ending your relationship. I think you need to set boundries. Maybe it's just once a week you see each other. Maybe it's just for an hour or 2 instead of overnight. Maybe it's a 2 minute phone call instead of a 10 minute one. Maybe it's a 15 minute coffee instead of a 3 hour dinner.

I feel if you both still have feelings for each other, and you enjoy the time you DO spend with each other, and both don't want to be with someone else, then why take a break. I think you both need to spend time with each other, but realize that it doesn't have to be perfect.

Your other option is to give up a woman that you "connect on that one important level that I have never really connected with in previous relationships."

Good luck.

 

A break doesn't work. It's one of those signs of break-ups. At least to me.

Good luck.

 

See my break up thread and the one from Fifty-five awhile back. This topic comes up again and again. If there's anything I learned from that experience, when someone wants a break, it's because they're unsure about wanting to move forward. Personally, I think it's not fair to the other person who's hanging out wondering what you're gonna decide while you're "on break." However, I can see the need to "take some time to think." To be 100% honest, my boyfriend said the whole "I need a break" thing to me and then we got back together but things are strained and the chances of us staying together now are slim. I almost would have rather ended it then and there and just been able to mourn and move on. Now if we DO break up..I'll end up having to go through that alllllll over again. Ugh.

 

I took a break from my 1st bf when I was around 19 during our 3rd year together and it eventually led to the end of the relationship. Ever since then, break-ups were really clean cut.

I don't think it works because the problems don't go away... it's just a temporary relief from the issues you both face. If both parties really want to be together, you deal with the problems head-on and make time to be with each other.

In any case, good luck to both of you! I'm hoping you are making (or will make) the right decision.

 

If you know that you'll be around for her, why stop the contact? Sounds like some details may be missing.

 

ok. I am glad that I put this out to you all as I got some great responses. We have been exchanging e-mail and I did tell her that we need to talk in person when she gets back. She was worried that I would cut all contact till the end of Sept and was relieved when I said we need to stay in contact so we do not drift apart.

thanks all caring enough to respond. I tend to be a bull and sometimes charge without thinking.

 

Yeah bro, I wouldn't cut off all contact completely unless you were pretty sure you wanted to terminate the relationship. Obviously, she has external stressors (i.e. work) that are negatively affecting your relationship. If it looks like this isn't going to change and that you, personally, require more time and attention (which I believe you alluded to in a previous post some time back), then seriously consider moving on to someone who can satisfy your expectations and wants. OTOH, if this is a rough patch and things look positive on the horizon, then why not be there for her to show you can be depended on? Even if it's just texting or email, I'm sure it will be reassuring for her to know you're around if she needs you. Doesn't mean you have to be seeing her all the time or whatever. My .

 

yup! I hear ya!!

does that mean we can still have sex since we are staying intouch??? LOL!

 

Lulz!

 

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