I don't know what kind of advice I could give. Basically my ex got herself involved with an abusive douchebag and I just told her restraining order and call the cops if he gets near her carry mace or a tazer... this is her response...


Ex:
I dont know what world you live in, but restraining orders dont work.. they dont really do anything but piss the person off even more.. all the cops could do is haul him off.. mayyyyybe keep him in jail overnight, and he would be out the next day.. they cant hold him any longer unless he is charged for assault and even if he is, he would be out on bail that night. Sure its easy for you to yell at me to get a spine, but you dont know what its like to be hurt by someone physically. And no, he hasnt come to my house.. my mom hates him because of an incident over the phone where he yelled at her.. and yes I know I have to move away.. but its not that simple if you dont have the money to move away.. I need to save up for rent/deposit. I will start getting steady pay checks in 2 weeks and then I can get ready. He has been maced before (not by me) and its like hes immune to it.. it only gets him angrier.. that kind of stuff wont protect me.. I dont know your fancy martial arts and stuff.. I cant get a gun.. and its not like you can protect me.. I just need to go about it smart so that I can get out without getting killed/hurt.. its not as easy as you believe/want to believe.. its different when you are a girl.. i've been through a lot of shit (which im not complaining about because I put myself in that position) but I'm just saying that after experiencing it, I dont want to go through that if I can avoid it the best than I can.. otherwise I will go crazy.. I've always read how hard it was for battered women, but after experiencing it.. I understand it on a whole new level..

Whats so hard about packing your shit and ceasing communication and a restraining order...

 

What is she, retarted? Have her call the cops

 

Furthermore she lives with the guy. She just got a job so she's broke until she gets paid and starting law school this fall.

 

I had the same exact convo with an ex and she gave me the same excuse. She could easily go live with her mom for a while if her mom is local. And tasers do work. They work very well actually. The mace thing I can understand because some people are able to just block out the pain or get used ot it. But 10-20K volts of eletricity is far from avoidable. The restraining order thing really doesnt work either, but it lets the person know you arent afraid to take legal action. I would also press charges, doesnt make sense not too. Sounds too me like she's feeling sorry for herself or wants someone to feel sorry for her. Also, why cant she get a gun? Is she not 21?

 

Is Acurazine running like crap for anyone else...

Also incase it wasn't clear she lives with the guy.

 

yea running like shit for me too

 

We live in Jersey... we can't get guns so easily. She is in South Jersey right now her Mom lives in North Jersey... almost a 2 hour drive and her school and new job is in southern jersey.

 

Im not sure how close you are with her but Im going to assume reasonably close since you guys are talkin about this, but you could loan her motel $$$ until she gets paid. Just a thought.

 

Fat fucking chance.

 

Why doesn't she go live with her mom or something. I don't understand why she complains of abuse, yet still lives with the guy. Stupid.

 

...sounds like shes gona have to live in hell for the next 2 weeks then. If I were here, Id call the police and ask them to lock him up for 2 weeks until she can move out. But thats a stretch.


Whats the process for getting a gun in Jersey? I know here you go in and they take 1-2 weeks to run a background check on u and then they call you when you clear and thats when you can take the gun home.

 

Sho_nuff - she just started a job in Southern Jersey and her School is in Southern Jersey... her mom is 2 hours away.

Ls TL- I think only law enforcement can carry a gun.

 

I dont feel bad for women like that one bit.. There is nothing stopping her from leaving him. She is remaining in that relationship herself...

 

 

Sorry to hear that Jblue. I think the best thing that she can do now is to get some funds together to move away. Maybe she can find a family member to lend her some cash to move out? Just enough for deposit and first months rent should be enough to get her out.

I had a friend in a similar position: she got in a relationship with what seemed like a nice guy. The second they got married, he started to beat her and called her asian trash, etc., etc. He even broke her foot by throwing the TV on her and she had to quit teaching to recuperate. My friends and I were tempted to just go and beat the shit out of the guy: imagine 10 cars pulling up to a home with a dozen angry guys with bats and chains. But that just ended in yelling and screaming, and she ended up throwing herself on her ex-husband and begging us to leave.

A few of my friends and I finally got fed up and instead decided to just fork over some money to get her out. I signed a lease to an apartment and had her move in there while she got back on her feet. (No pun intended.)

Since then, my firm took her divorce case pro bono and all that needs to be settled is the civil suit for damages. Sad thing is, the second that my friend moved out, the guy got another girlfriend who I'm sure is probably falling for his sweet guy act all over again. And who knows who'll be there to save that poor girl?

I think its more the mental state of battered women that prevents them from doing anything; they feel helpless and feel that turning to another male authority (like Police Officers) won't be of much avail since a male is the one who is abusing her.

My suggestion is to reinforce the idea that she needs to let the guy go ASAP and to distance herself as much as possible: tell her to work as much as possible to be away from him or to stay at parents over the weekends to lessen the chance she'll be with him alone at home. Remember to be positive and at all times don't call her stupid; obviously she's not stupid if she's going to law school! I'm sure it's more emotional than logical in her head right now, so just be there as much as you can be and help her out in anyway that you can.

But let me just say: if you catch him in the act of hitting her, go ballistic on his ass. I can't stand men who hit women.

 

^ I agree. She is just making excuses for him and for herself. If she really wanted to leave, she would have just packed her shit and go somewhere else, just anywhere.. a friend or family.

Here are some links.

http://www.state.nj.us/njsp/about/fire_ag2.html

http://www.njguns.com/laws.htm

Where in S. Jersey?... There is a shooting range I go to once a week in Lakewood called Shore/Sure Shot. She can rent firearms and play around just to get a feel of the weapon.

I'm NOT recommending her to get a gun or anything unless its the last resort. I'm just providing you the links to answer some on your questions on NJ firearm laws.

 

well I sent this out before hearing BraveDemons response (which was excellent advise)... I should have probably been a bit more supportive but it angers me she put herself into this hole

Me:
If you seek legal action against him he'll know you're serious... 20-40k volts of electricity will stop anyone besides maybe Fedor and a bitch that beats a girl is no Fedor.

I seriously don't understand why you just didn't move back in with your mom in the first mother will always have open doors for her daughter.place. You would have been away from him and probably debt free. I personally would have done that, delayed law school for a bit til I got clean and got a job up north and saved money without worrying about other expenses you have gained by not living at home. Living with your parents can't be nowhere near be as bad as your current situation. I still think you should consider doing this, even if you have to wait a semester or two to start up school again. Your still young and could use some experience on your resume.


She implies that she is worried the guy will seriously hurt her or kill her..

 

It sounds like even if she had a gun today she probably wouldn't shoot him. She sound to be very passive. They bitch, moan, and complain and don't do shit about a situation.

 

Passive or not, its not her fault that the guy is beating her. Might be her fault for putting herself in the situation and for not doing anything constructive to get herself out.

But regardless, no one in that situation needs to be told those things; empathy is probably more important at this point.

 

People that stay with the abusive are just as sick.

 

I can see why she's an ex... damn she sounds like she has issues of her own.

 

Yeah, she's retarded. Even if the restraining order might not stop him, it's better than nothing. Also, is puts steps in place that shows she's tried what she could legally.

 

why is this your problem other than you being a decent person and giving her the time of day?

if she wont help herself at all what is she expecting you to do for her?

 

How is this your problem?? If my ex told me about this id be pissed at her for even contacting me. The cops WILL do something, he will get the hint, he will get arrested and go to jail.

 

DOMESTIC ABUSE; because a man shouldn't have to repeat himself {insert funny picture},
yea but for real, she doesn't look like she wants help other than to have someone there (you) to bitch to about the other guy. And if you wanna help her out, why don't you invite her to live with you for 2 weeks before that paycheck?

 

Been there done that, she was difficult living with before... though I would never put a hand on a woman. I would just leave the house temporarily.

 

this is an ex. Don't be a Knight. If she does not want to get a restraining order, that is her business. What she does not realise is that without one, the Police can do nothing. With one, if he is caught near her, at least the Police can arrest him.

do not get involved if I were you as you are placing yourself in possible danger if this guys is a real nutcase.

just my 2 cents.

 

i dont sympathize with her situation. nobody has a gun to her head telling her not to leave. she is retarded for staying and you would be just shooting yourself in the foot if you decide to even help her.


my advice - break off contact with her. she is not your problem. if she is already your ex, then keep it that way. dont play hero where you might end up being a martyr for a lost cause. you dont get anything in return for the amount of shit you are likely to get with this.

 

She can actually apply for a gun permit and license to carry if she can provide the police with reason for them to believe her life is endanger. Tell her to go to her local police HQ and speak with someone. I'd give a number for a detective I know but he's in Hoboken and probably couldn't provide much assistance since it isn't his jurisdiction. When you say "South Jersey" where are we talking about?

 

Domestic abuse begins at home...

Q: What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

A: Nothing. You told her twice already....

Seriously, though, she needs to get out of the situation and move away ASAP. She needs to find a way to do this, even if she has no money.

And remember, you can't help people that don't want to be helped... Did she contact you out of the blue on this, or it's something that you found out and wanted to give her advice about? If it's not something she came to you about, then there's not much you can do besides what you have already suggested. You can only help people so far, the rest, they have to do themselves.

 

What's all this talk about not being able to get a gun? What happened to the 2nd amendment?

 

Everyone, she does NOT need a gun. That would be the dumbest thing to do. Unless she's ready to kill the guy - and I mean look him in the eye and have the will to pull the trigger - all he's going to do is take it and beat the life out of her. Same thing with a tazer or mace - unless she's willing to go all the way, don't go there. This is how women go from being beaten to being killed.

Her personal safety should be more important than her job or her school. She needs to pack up and go. Disappear. There are a lot of resources available. Shelters if she has to. Go stay with Mom. I work with people who commute 2 hrs to work. It can be done for a short while to get her stuff in order.

She's making all kinds of excuses in her message, but also saying she's in danger. I don't get how she can think this guy will kill her and she's not in another state by now. If your life is in danger, you don't wait for the first paycheck before leaving. I'd never question a woman making a claim like this, but it's just not making sense that, "this guy might kill me but I'll move out as soon as I get my first paycheck" What's true and what's drama?

If she's in danger, she has to go. Now.

 

Reminds me of that scene in Goodfellas when Lorraine Bracco is on top of Ray Liotta with a gun and couldn't pull the trigger. She caught a pretty light asswhipping but multiply that by 123235325 for what will happen with OP's ex.

 

It's still up to HER to make the move. We can all sit here and waste our time and blow smoke saying what she should and shouldn't do, but bottom line is we can't influence her decision no matter how hard we try or how great our suggestions are. It's on her 100%

 

If she continues to stay.. yet will seek assistance... she seems to just be looking for attention.

I don't care how far my family was away... if I was in that situation, I would leave in a heartbeat and go there. I would NEVER tolerate this.. ever. No matter how much I loved the guy, I love myself way more.

Tell her to move out, get a stay away / restraining order and stay away from him as well. If not, she's on her own...