BraveDemon

I've known for awhile now that I want to marry my girlfriend, and I know she also wants to marry me, but we're split on when to get married.

My girlfriend is a year and a half older than me, and will be 28 in a couple months, whereas I just turned 26 a couple months ago. For her, getting married before she's 30 is a huge deal. Personally, prior to being with my current girlfriend, I never even considered marriage before I hit 30.

So for those that were married in their late 20's do you wish you waited? And if so, why? And if not, why?

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

If you love her and want to spend the rest of your life with her, then bite the bullet. Especially if before 30 is a big deal for her. To be honest, I don't really see the huge appeal of being in a relationship for an extremely long time and not being married.

I'm not the norm though. I married my wife after dating for 10 months. I knew after a couple months that she was the one I wanted to be with. We knew each other for about 3 years before we started dating.

<----But I had circumstances that sped up the process a bit though. :wink:

SwervinCL

amisconception

Since you're being honest, can you tell us what exactly the huge appeal is of actually being married?

What does marriage actually do for men? What are its benefits?

sixsixfour

if ever you do decide to tie the knot, a prenup should be part of the deal.

men usually dont see how one-sided marriage is for them. so covering your 6 isnt a bad idea. think of marriage as like buying a car - would you buy one without insurance?

doopstr

25-30 is a good age to get married. You will want a few years of peace before you have kids. Do you want to be 55-60 when you have a 20 year old kid?

TS_eXpeed

^^^

That's one of my things. I'm definitely not gonna go out and get hitched just so I can, but I told myself that unless I just don't find the right person that I want to have all the kids I want before 30. I'm not not going to become a eunuch if I don't, lol, but I don't want to be one of those people that are in their 70's watching their kid graduate high school.


I'm hoping I get married at about 24-25

Street Spirit

What are you thinking will be different if you wait? ...Waited for what? What will biological age bring that will benefit or be a disadvantage? More money, more stability, interests, education, location....? What will she think will be different if she's 30 or 31 when she gets married, and not 28 (why her goal of 30)? If she's thinking in terms of children, then biologically, it makes sense. But otherwise, how does she expect things to be different if she's married after she's 30?

Personally, once both people have hit a certain maturity (meaning, not 16), what does age matter? Isn't it more about the two of you and the stage of your relationship? I'd think more in terms of life circumstances, goals, and desires, instead of age. If all of your goals and desires match up, what difference does it make if you're 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, or if she's 28, 29, 30, or 31? If the time is right for both of you, then why not? Or are you thinking you'll regret getting married younger in case your interest in her changes over time?

If you have any doubt that you'll regret getting married at this stage in your life, DON'T do it. There's no reason to be pushed into it --- you should be just as excited as she is to take this next step in life, whether you're 26 or 45 when it happens...you should want it too!!

wndrlst

Both of you seem to be hung up on a pre-conceived number that you probably settled on (somewhat arbitrarily?) years ago (i.e. at a less mature stage of life). If you're both sure you want to be married to each other, you're financially secure, you're both single and old enough/experienced enough to make good choices...what's your hesitation? What will make it a better or more feasible decision in a couple of years?

Just curious, how long have you been dating?

Street Spirit

I added a few lines to my novel of a post above, sorry. Have a second read.

I was just curious if you're just feeling unsure about getting married right now, thinking your relationship or feelings for her might change down the road... And somehow you think those things are "supposed" to happen sometime between 26 and 30.

?

BraveDemon

For her, she wants to be married before 30 so she can have a child before the age of 32. She's told me some statistic stating that women who have their first child after 32 will have a much greater chance of having a child with down syndrome or other deficiency. (Darn Oprah and her )

For me, its a stability issue; I hate jumping into things without being absolutely financially stable. We're both recent law grads, and have some loans to pay off (she has nearly double what I have) and I would personally like to lower some of that before I start worrying about having to save for a home and save for children.

I mean its not as if we can't get married now and work on that together; we both have jobs lined up and will be making decent attorney's salary (if we pass this November) but I'm the type of guy who won't buy a car unless I can put atleast 40% down and have enough in my checking account to cover the next 8-10 months of car payments.

For me the age of 30 seemed like a good number simply because we'll have worked for 4 years and have saved some money: enough to pay for the wedding and put a down payment on a house. If I were to get married within the next year, we'd most likely have to ask our parents to help with the wedding and rent.

Am I being unrealistic in thinking that people should be absolutely financially secure before getting married?

Edited to answer your question Street Spirit: No, I'm certain that I want to be with her forever; honestly without her, I'd be incomplete. Wow. I'm actually surprised that I can say that, considering I used to be promiscous in college.

Romeo8Juliet

I think being financially secure prior to marriage, having a kid, etc.. is a good idea.

Ken1997TL

I'm popping the question this week and i'm 30. Never give into what other people think is right for you. YOU determine what time, place and circumstances work for you and your SO. Getting married to beat a deadline is starting things off the right foot.

Ken1997TL

Not essential but a good idea. Far too many relationships get ruined over strained finances.

Whiskers

Nooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Street Spirit

It doesn't matter how you "should" feel ready (whether it be financially, emotionally, etc.) but you SHOULD feel ready. Does that make sense? If you don't feel 100% ready to move forward, and it would not feel comfortable, then I wouldn't jump into it. For example, if one of the goals both of you share is paying for your wedding and you're not able to do that right now, then it makes complete sense. Don't worry about what we think, it's really what the two of you want for yourselves. Work towards your goals together and do it when it feels right for both of you, otherwise, one of you will end up resenting it instead of enjoying it. Perhaps there's a middle ground that will please both of you.

And she is correct, a woman having any children after the age of 35 faces a MUCH higher risk of experiencing a difficult pregnancy, and complicated birth, while also facing the higher risk of having a baby with birth defects and other issues.

BraveDemon

Wow! Congrats Ken!

And yeah, I agree with you. I don't think its a deadline, but rather I'm thinking whether or not I should compromise a bit. I mean I've sat down and calculated things out and my GF and I can get married and still be financially secure; just not as secure as I'm used to being.

On a side note... I'd have to empty my secondary savings account, which I've been saving for my 2009 Evo X for the engagement ring. Doh. $15k for a ring...

amisconception

This week!?

Street Spirit

Wow...no wonder... $15,000 on a ring is....err... a lot! Why not put some of that towards your wedding, and then you're set.

Whiskers

This is why women suck....

Hmm 15K on something that will hold its value or 15K towards something that's gone in one night...Hmm....

Ken1997TL

$15k on a ring? Jesus I'm cheap

Whiskers

BraveDemon

Er... I don't actually don't know anything about engagement rings. Other than the ridiculous prices I've seen at Tiffany's and the like. My friends who are married told me to go to the jewelry district in LA and that it'd be half of what it costs in a jewelry store, so I guess I should start looking there first.

She jokingly says she wants 2 carats... but you know what they say, there's some truth behind every joke.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Are you against marriage? Not that that's a bad thing. I just want to know.

To me, I met a woman I loved more than I love anyone else or even myself. We were expecting a child, and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I never really considered just dating long term.

I think I am a better husband and father than I was ever a single man.

I'm not sure I answered your question at all. But you asked me a question that I never really ever considered and to me it just seems foreign. Maybe it was the way I was brought up.

Whiskers

Man, I don't know...My girlfriend at the time said we are getting married, and such is life...

TS_eXpeed

Yea...
for my parents 20th anniversary, my dad had bought my mother a new wedding ring with a princess cut diamond a little over 2 carats....


The diamond itself was 16K.


I thought he was dumb. lol


Then again, whenever I decide to get married, I will probably wish I could buy my SO something like that.

amisconception

I'm not against marriage in its idealized fashion. But in today's world? I'm against it in the majority of cases.

I don't believe there is a reason to get married except to raise kids and even then, for me, the jury is still out.

There are so many problems with marriage it's not even funny.

Here's an analogy:

If I knew that 50% of the time I drove my car I would end up in a car accident, would I drive at all? No, I wouldn't. I would take the bus or ride a bike because I knew that every other person who drives gets in a bad accident. Accidents are expensive and a major pain in the ass.

Marriage has a 50% failure rate. That doesn't include unhappy marriages.

Statistically, men have a better standard of living once they get divorced - because they no longer have to pay to subsidize a woman and her lifestyle.

This doesn't even account for alimony, child-support, and the potential loss of half your assets that you've worked your whole life for.

Your wife can be cheating on you, sleeping with a man in your bed, call the police and tell them that you just hit her, and you could be lawfully detained with zero evidence to the contrary. And you'd still lose the house in a divorce.

Most divorces are not pretty.

And, I don't buy this crap about women being such innocent princesses that think marriage is some happy fairy tale ala Cinderella and everything is nice and dandy. A lot of girls are hip to the game and know what's up in terms of divorce and the potential paycheck they could receive for the rest of their lives if they played their cards right.

Look at this:

http://women.meetup.com/1330/?gj=wg2_ej1b

Do you think they care about who they are dating? Not really. They may, but that's secondary to a lifestyle they want to trap you into subsidizing.

Now, were this 1952 and a certain reciprocity (or teamwork) was expected of her (having dinner cooked, not bitching or nagging, letting you be the man, dominant and strong, head of the household, she was nurturing, understanding, feminine, etc.) then I would have a different opinion. But it's not like that anymore.

The cry of feminism isn't a cry for equality. It's an excuse, a reason, a justification for preferential treatment. Women scream for equality in the workplace, but cower when it comes to equality in the draft requirement.

Our society doesn't breed happy marriages. The divorce rate is empirical evidence of that.

Furthermore, I'll ask again, what does marriage actually bring a man? Nothing. Pure and simple. A woman can move in with a man, bear his children, love him, care for him, nurture him, be everything to him - but won't unless married in most circumstances. My question is why? Why is there a requirement for a legally binding contract? What is the necessity for women?

It's security. Financial security. It's certainly not emotional security. No written piece of paper can guarantee love or bliss.

It's easy to fall in love with an idealized relationship, and think marriage is "just" a natural progression of that idealized Cinderella fantasy. Hell, we're spoon-fed that since childhood.

Where are men taught that we need to really understand women, their motives, their abilities to adapt and manipulate, to make better decisions? Nowhere. I take that back, some places online, but that's only recent.

I wouldn't be against marriage if things like no-fault divorce didn't exist. Or if I didn't feel that she could hold divorce to my head like a gun. Or a child like a gun, to get what she wanted.

Women can be great actors. That act stops, though, once you're locked-in. Women gain weight, cut their hair, don't wear make-up, watch too much Oprah, and increasingly bust your balls. Jokes abound of men not getting all the blowjobs they did like when they first met their wives. Or how hot she was in bed. But that changes, for some reason, once they got married. It's all so obvious to me. There's no incentive for women to keep their men happy other than an innate desire to want him to be happy.

American women don't generally have this innate desire to want to keep their men happy. Foreign women do, for the most part, because they're not plagued by the delusions of feminism that you can have your cake and eat it too.

Infamous425

buy her a cheap(er) ring. if your marriage lasts then 5-10 yrs later you can update it with a bigger/better one.

Street Spirit

Well he said he'd love to get married when he could afford it; she wants to get married soon. Seems like a logical suggestion to spend less than $15,000 on the ring and put the difference towards the wedding so they can cut a chunk out of the amount they'd have to save up. ....Kill two birds with one stone.

And don't look at me....I'd kill my husband if he spent $15,000 on my ring. I'd much rather have some of that go towards the house or future vacation(s).

Street Spirit

Amis --- I guess you'd never live with your S.O. other then, because here, you're considered common law after two years anyway. Don't you think at some point during a serious and meaningful relationship (if you ever decide to have one), you'll both want to spend more time together than some nights and weekends? Or does that blow your mind right now?

I mean this genuinely, not sarcastically.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Amis, I agree with a lot of what you have in your post. I know a lot of people may say I'm full of shit, but I married my wife because I love her. The fact that she was pregnant just changed the timing of it.

If I were not married, I would have a ton more cash in the bank, maybe I will be in better shape, I would definitely be sleeping with more women, and I would be partying a lot harder than I do now. But I would not be as happy as I am when I get home and see my son and wife. I would miss out on all the best things I have in my life today. I never miss being single and unmarried.

In the long run my marriage may last, it may end. I don't know. But I plan on enjoying every day to the fullest.

As for the other parts of your post, I trust my wife as much as I can trust someone. And she has no reasons not to trust me. We both had a very active single life, and we both talk about how important that was for us to do. Because now it makes me appreciate what I have.

Shalooby

So where is she now?

Whiskers

London...

Shalooby

So you came home with your wife and left your girlfriend in London?

Will Y.

Common-law marriage does not apply in California- people can be single, married or file for domestic partnership.

Marriage doesn't seem bad to me. I mean, my wife won't let me have sex with other women, but other than that, it's all good...

amisconception

Eh you may not be sarcastic but it sure comes off condescending.

And listen, I don't need a girl to move in with me to enjoy her. It's probably better that we both live independent lives and not become codependent anyway.

P.S. California doesn't recognize common-law marriage. So even if I wanted to move in with a girl it wouldn't really make a difference as to my concerns.

amisconception

I don't really understand what benefit your marriage actually brought you, though. Other than self-induced happy feelings.

You could have all that without being married. You can be in love without marriage. Happens all the time. You could still go home to your girl and your son. You don't need to be married to do that.

Let's be "real" for a second and recognize that women require marriage primarily for financial security reasons. They accomplish this by locking you into a binding contract that is difficult and painful to get out of. And it comes with a hefty price tag.

Your ability to subsidize their lifestyle is what matters, not "just" being together and having a family.

So how do you reconcile that fact in an equality-driven, post-feminist world? I have a difficult time with this. Women more than ever want preferential treatment. Not equality, but preferential treatment. They want equality when it's convenient and preferential treatment when it fulfills their agendas. The list of examples is long.

Anyway I'm glad you're happy. I wish marriage was what it used to be but it's not. I don't see the trend reversing any time soon, either.

1killercls

Happily married for 11 years here...and I can tell ya one thing. Amisconception's post is pure Horse Shit.

No offense Amis, but it sure sounds like some bitch screwed you over bad.

amisconception

No offense, but you're an idiot and like a typical moron you're not rebutting a single argument I made.

amisconception

Oh, and that "sounds like some bitch screwed you" line is comical. Name one guy that hasn't been screwed over by a girl.