Ever since I was in high school, I have struggled with dating women and as a result, I hardly ever try anymore simply because my return on investment has always been in the negatives. Because of the way I've been treated by women in the past combined with all of this shit falling down around me, it really makes me wonder if this is even worth the trouble anymore and further reinforces my reluctant but necessary distrust of women. I don't believe a word of what they say. I don't believe what they say they want and nor do I believe that anything they ever tell me is remotely close to honest. I go into virtually every interaction with a woman believing that I am going to come out the other end being the one who got fucked. Despite this, I've tried to put myself out there over the past few years to get past this and be proven wrong but every single time I do, somebody very close to me has had their heart ripped out of their chest by the woman they loved and in many cases, it's involved infidelity and lie on top of lie on top of lie on top of sugar-coated lie. It's as if the universe is trying to warn me to get out and stay out. This is now becoming an annual thing (two so far this year) and what scares me is, I don't expect it to stop. I've got plenty more married friends and what's really sad is the fact that I'm starting to mentally place bets on who's going to be next.

So let me ask you this: Does the so-called love everybody says they want and some people claim to have even exist or is it all just make believe so companies can sell cards, flowers, vacation packages and baby shower trinkets? I'm seriously beginning to think it's just a bunch of bullshit and people pretending that everything is okay and they can make it work until it becomes clear that a slow, painful death by malfunctioning chainsaw would be preferable to 1) divorce or 2) continuing to pretend it's all okay. At that point they completely break down and hit the lowest of lows. Watching this most recent divorce play out has been utterly horrifying and to see a good friend become totally and completely broken after his trust was betrayed by the woman he genuinely loved has really made me wonder if my penis will continue to be for show. I really don't think I could go through something like that...I've been hurt enough in my life and I just can't go through something like that, let alone more than once.

I know no relationship is perfect and one of the more recent collapses among my friends was due to not only infidelity but a lack of communication and a fear of conflict. Maybe it's just Portland women but it seems to me that the kind of love we were all told about as kids and hoped to find was a bigger fallacy than Bernie Sanders' campaign. I look at my parents, married for 36 years, and I see a kind of love that is extinct now and the reason I haven't found it is because it no longer exists. My opinion is that there is no such thing as true love anymore; just people using each other for their own shallow means to an end until the reservoir dries up and then they move on. The person who made the mistake in believing it could be real love is the one left broken hearted, wondering what the fuck just happened to them and in my observation, that party is usually the man.

My flame suit is on. Do your worst.

 

A few pieces of advice:

• Don't over think it (and trust me, you are WAY over-thinking it).
• You have plenty of time.
• Get involved in activities where you must interact with lots of folks; this allows you to get to know women in a social/non-romantic environment where you can become friends first. Example, eons ago when I was single, I used to volunteer my time with a several different charities; the group activities were such that I used to work with various women for months, even years before anything romantic developed, and by then I knew pretty well what to expect.
• Date to have fun with no plan beyond the next date; that keeps you from becoming too emotionally invested too soon. Trust me, regardless of who you are (as in guy or girl), nothing messes up a relationship faster than one party becoming overly dependent or otherwise hooked upon the other too soon.

True story, I met my (now) wife 25 years ago when we were both 35 years old (we'd both been kinda-sorta "on the market" since our late teens and had been through numerous relationships); we spent time doing non-dating things for several months before I eventually asked her out. In fact, it took me so long to do anything more than be her friend/associate she actually thought I was gay. We were married less than a year after the first date, will be having our 25th wedding anniversary in early 2019, and have two wonderful children.

 

There are too many people for there not to be SOME of a little bit of everything. Honesty does still exist. I’ve seen it plenty throughout my life. To me at this moment, it seems like you aren’t really talking about love. You are talking about eternal love. True love absolutely does exist, but it doesn’t always stand the test of time. But while it’s doesnt always last, there is something truly magical about love that makes the experience irreplaceable. If it is eternal love that you require, statistics say your soul mate is out there. Someone you can be on the same page as without communication exists among the 7 billion of us. However, the same reason that possibility exists comes with the fact that finding that person could very well be impossible. I came to that conclusion at some point in my relationship. Do I go searching for a diamond in the rough, or do I find the most compatible person I can that I can also see myself being happy with? If I do go looking for my unicorn, what if they have already “settled”? Only you can answer those questions.

The last thought I have is with regard to experience, and what that truly means. How many years do you think you’ll live? You get that many trips around the sun minus what you’ve already taken. Each one can be unique. Each one cane be something new. They can all be the same. Or you can find a mix in the middle. You can have a hell of a lot of fun with someone new even if it doesn’t last until you die. And with only ## trips around the sun left, what could be more important than fun and happiness?

 

I have no idea what is causing your particular misfortune in dating and finding someone worthwhile from your end, and to be honest it seems you're not really looking for that kind of talk here.

One thing I will point out is that I've seen with the current generation in a lot of western society is that nobody really takes relationships seriously anymore. Specifically there is no longer any sort of condemnation in our society if you cheat, manipulate, lie, etc. In the days of our parents, grandparents, etc, divorce was seen as a bad thing and a failed marriage was something to be ashamed of. These days divorce is seen as something almost exciting to the person asking for it. New beginnings, just like that episode of Sex in the City!

So there is really no incentive to be honest, faithful and monogamous. The good news is that there ARE like-minded people out there. Keep putting yourself out there. I'm in a similar boat to you and almost every taken person I've talked with about this subject says it makes sense I'm still single considering how awful the dating climate is these days. If I have any advice to give it would be to do as much as you can to increase your worth as a man.

 

True love is bs. There are literally hundreds of thousands of people you can end up with and have a long/happy life filled with love. It's more about each party's capacity to be in a relationship and love. I would caution that you are not ready to fill your side of the deal as a doormat, or if you are looking to "love" to fill some hole in your life. It's not your partner's job to make you complete. You need to do that first. Think about that before you enter your next relationship.

 

I agree with the idea that you have to love yourself before you can really love somebody else. I think most people need to fall in love and get their heart broken at least once in order to realize what they really want and need.

Don't get jaded and have expectations that are too rigid. If you have a preconceived notion of what you expect the relationship to be like before the groundwork is laid down, then you're setting yourself up for failure. Trying to force things reeks of desperation and puts people off.

Love is really a process of trial and error. You're not benefiting yourself by taking that mindset. Just take some chances, don't fully commit yourself until you've found the right one.

I still have a lot of "what ifs" and "if onlys" from prior relationships, but no hard feelings or real regrets. Finding the right person for you will make those ghosts irrelevant.

 

Dude, PortlandRL. You sound just like me 8 years ago (currently 31). I feel you man. That feeling of giving up on "LOVE" really sucks and its depressing. But I also did something similar to what Horseshoez was talking about. Went through a tough period of girls through high school and college. Gave up on relationships for awhile. Long story short, ended up meeting my Fiance during that period where i gave up on relationships. Became friends for awhile, then asked her out when I knew we had something. It definitely could've went sideways. I could've got rejected and lost a good friend, but i wouldve been perfectly fine since I already been through some sh!t.
In the end, I think I just really lucked out. Same as horseshoez. You can really find that someone special when you least expect it.
Keep your head up. For now, concentrate on yourself with work, school, cars, friends and family.. and whatever it is that you enjoy doing.

 

Or you could give dudes a try. See if they treat you any better.

 

Honestly, it does exist, but it's hard to find, and even harder to find someone who truly knows what it means and can truly love you back. Honestly, most girls are too selfish and insecure for true love. They spend their whole childhoods being told that they're special little princesses and that some rich skinny dude with millions of dollars is going to scoop them up and take them to their barbie dream house. Having spent the past several years dating after being in long term relationships, it's scary how immature and petty girls are any more. Honestly, I'm glad that I found someone that I think I can stay with because if I had to go on to a dating site these days and see nothing but pics of girls with fucking deer antlers as their dating profile pic, I'd probably just close the app for good. Duck faces were bad enough and an instant pass for me anyway, and that was a few years ago.

Good ones are out there, but chicks are fucking mental man. They're constantly riding an unstable roller coaster every month and some handle it better than others, but honestly, they're all fucking crazy, just depends on the level that you can deal with and how accepting of you they actually are. I'm 36 and I've been in 4 or 5 long relationships, avoided marriage twice, and dated a couple dozen other girls and can honestly say that they're all fucking nuts. I don't mean this as a sexist thing, it's just my observation. I honestly am glad that I'm older because there's no way that I could date some 20something girl that just can't even, #yolo or whatever the fuck girls say these days. The good ones are out there, but you really have to work. When I joined a dating site my friend warned me that I would have to put in real work and spend at least an hour a night, and even with that it took me 2 1/2 years to find someone that I could consider a good match. I dated the whole time, but it took that long to find someone I really got along with who really accepted me for me. It's hard these days, and most people are more in love with the IDEA of love and being in love which is why I see so many marriages ending in divorce. People are in such a hurry to fall in love and have that big flashy wedding that they don't really live with or get to know the real person they're marrying, once the people show their true selves is when shit starts to go downhill. I've definitely struggled with this for a long time, and honestly I got used to being single for about 2 years, but it is lonely. If you're not trying a dating site, definitely try it, but go for a pay site like eHarmony.

Everyone has baggage and has been wronged before, but finding someone who's willing to pay to meet someone and is really looking for something meaningful is a start. With that said, most of the girls on those sites think they're going to go on 1 date, meet the dude of their dreams and get married just like the commercials, like I said, it's work and you have to work to get to know someone before you meet them and after, but it does work. Hope you can find someone who is cool, and down to earth and likes trains and shit like you do, if not, Justin is always available for a booty call.

 

I will say this...you wont find anyone with that grey "air" around you. You got learn how to get out of the negative mind set and put out a positive outlook.

 

try dating Hispanic chicks that still live with their parents!
dead serious!

Hispanic women treat their men like Kings!
on top of that; if she still lives with her parents, there will be old school rules that she has to follow (or be thrown out of the family/house/etc)

 

Back in the 1980s I dated a wonderful Mexican woman; she and her dad cooked food so hot it made me cry. During that period I was doing some work in London and a bunch of guys from the office decided to play the "national game" of taking a Yank out to a curry house and serving him or her a nice Vindaloo. They ordered me a Lamb Vindaloo and about half way though the meal they asked me, "Hey Mate, how's your lamb?"

"Absolutely wonderful," I responded.

"Not too hot is it Mate?"

"Hot? Nope, not at all. Why?"

"It's supposed to be hot, so hot you cannot eat it."

"Really? Uhhh, guys, this stuff ain't hot at all, in fact, it's wimpy."


--- two year later ---


I was no longer seeing my lovely Latina and had occasion to work back in London for a week. The guys took me to the same place and unbeknown to me, pulled the chef aside and said, "That bloke over there says your Vindaloo is wimpy; what else do you have?"

They served me a Lamb Double Phall; ummm..., yes I ate it, and yes I suffered, while I was eating it I was sweating so much I later had to wring out my socks, and then I suffered again the next morning. Yeah, yeah, I know..., TMI!

 

lol I love love love spicy foods!!!! your story made me sweat! lol

 

My buddy used to do a lot of work in Cali and said the same thing

 

 

Maybe it would help the OP to hear about some long term successes?

I've been with my wife for 13.5 years and married for 6 of them.

 

6 wives?? Impressive.

 

oo7spy must be related to Leroy Jethro Gibbs. Hmmm, I wonder if all of the wives are redheads.

 

Heh.

 

I love butt stuff.

 

it's not gay if a woman is doing butt stuff to you.

 

Have her suck on an ice cube first. Thanks me later...

 

just the tip.

 

A few words of advice. Don't do it!

Kidding aside, you have to be comfortable living with yourself before you bring a gold digger another individual into your life. Not being dependent on them to fill your other 50% is key. As horseshoez stated, change they way you go about meeting women. Try a new scene, as the ones you have been are not working. They are out there, just have to keep a positive attitude. Always keep your head high and on the hunt for that damsel in distress.

Could always find yourself a fatty, they do more!

 

Just do what comes naturally for you and don't go "looking". I honestly didn't believe that crap until I met my wife. It sounds cliche but I met her doing the most mundane stuff (flying in an airplane), looking at my absolute "normal" appearance and not a care in the world. Part of it will always be some kind of luck (after all meeting the one you are compatible with among billions of people takes some sort of luck) but also it has something to do with just being yourself and not try too hard.

Or you could always go for fat chicks. Women are the only ones that get easier to pick up as they get heavier after all.

 

I've been with mine for 32.5 and married for 29.5 of them. She has an incredible tolerance for long-term suffering.

 

I think the hardest thing to grasp for many people is that YOU are not perfect, stop looking for a/the perfect person.

She will have flaws. Physical ones, emotional ones, behavioral ones, etc. (You do too)

The most important thing is to recognize those flaws and determine if, in the grand scheme of all her amazing and wonderful qualities, you are OK with having to work around those flaws. Forever. You are probably not going to be able to fix/repair/change them.

As to the question of how to meet this person, you have to be yourself. Truly, be yourself. Find groups to do the things you like to do (photography, trainspotting, finger-painting, home rocketry, whatever!). Do these things with other people and expand your social network with NO intent on finding a love interest. Do some of the things those new people in your life suggest doing, even if they aren't your favorite things. Then, you will miraculously find the right person. Or not. No guarantees.

 

My best friend's wife says the secret to a long marriage is low expectations. While that is a joke, there is definitely a grain of truth to it.

 

When reading your post, I instantly got embarrassed because I remember writing posts like this and now I look back and wonder how I ever could have been so insecure and let my emotions get a hold of me. I put my life into a girl I thought was the "one" and didn't go after things I wanted like having fun with friends, getting ahead at work, living in a place I loved and it pulled me down. She cheated, I tried to make it work like an idiot, tortured myself, and got depressed about it. I then felt I had to find another girl but I was fucked up from the first so I went from one bad relationship to the next. Then I decided women are insane, moved downtown, changed jobs and ended up having women literally want to beat up the other women to date me but I had no intention of dating any of them and I was right around your age. At one point I would have been all depressed that I was 30 and single but after fixing me, I was prepared to be enjoying life at 50 and single, with no intention of ever marrying.

It sounds like you are going into every relationship planning the end of it so it happens how you plan it. I'm going to sound really mean here but woman pick up on this and view it as pathetic so they take advantage of it and treat you poorly. I'm not judging you because I was 100 percent there and even if a relationship was going well, I would fuck it up and blame her for it but it was me.

Stop thinking about women and fix what's wrong with you. Call friends you haven't seen in a while, move to a new city or change your current living situation (if you are still in the one I read about long ago, CHANGE it because you go into every relationship thinking she is judging you for your living situation and it will ruin you plus you don't really get to figure out who you are in that situation). The job thread makes me think you were grateful to have your old job back but you wanted out of it so get out, start working on a plan. Go to a movie alone, find things/events you are interested in and go even if you can't find others to go because you will make like minded friends there and become happier.

Change things up, get comfortable with you, and life works. I would have read a reply like this years ago and thought that dude doesn't know, I'm different, etc but I promise you, you aren't going to find love with someone else when you are posting things like this.

 

Also....


How do we sign up for this "Penis Show?"

 

“Prepare for the worst, hope for the best,” has helped me more times than I can count.

 

Did some one say try dudes.. check.
Nothing to add..

FFS Andrew.. Jefford's married and moved on, you should to.

 

angry:

 

 

Alright, I'll give my

Stop worrying if she gonna break your heart, cheat on you, be deceitful
Be righteous, not insecure and self-righteous.
Don't let your interactions with women so far lead to misogyny.
Focus on doing right by you and putting yourself out there enough to be seen.

Love is real, a relationship is real hard
That doesn't mean you don't put your heart out there, otherwise what's the point?
A relationship is a lot harder when you aren't simpatico past a couple of bumps in the sheets.
That doesn't mean she has to like the stuff you like or do the things you do.
But she has to be like a best friend, and at least acknowledge the things that make you tick.

That being said, a woman is attracted to genuine things about a man
Is he a bread winner, attractive, independent, positive personality traits, etc
Not every dude is a 10/10 in these areas, so focus on your positives and be genuine
If she digs you, seek her intentions, and figure out if your intentions road block hers
Older women aren't fucking around, they've been around, they're looking for a real dude.

Don't follow some alpha pua dipshit and try to be them.
Focus on being you, holding up to core values, which will be respected
You can self-improve but don't chase bullshit.

Be respectable, and you'll be respected. That is the simple truth.
Respectable dudes get noticed, but they don't chase, and they don't cling.
If it ain't right, on to the next one. Trust Majofo.

 

IOW.. fuck bitches, get money

 

literally and figuratively

 

and double entendre
fuck them
fuck 'em!

please refer to 2. a) no misogyny.
see definition of a b

 

So glad I found my wife a little over 22 years ago...she was 24 years old and I was 35 almost 36. Married over twenty years and we are both still in love, I am truly a lucky man.

OP: there is hope. Don't overthink it. It happens when you least expect it.

 

I echo what :killer: said!