Geez. I'm 34, successful and very stable and have been looking for a wife and a mother for my yet unborn children.

I've been dating a wonderful woman for about a year now. We both have houses and spend most of our waking moments with each other.

But why does she feel the need to pressure me into marriage? Constantly...not a day goes by that she doesn't bring it up saying things whenever we go on a date or special event "I really thought today would be the day." I've already told her that the more she brings it up the more it drives me away but yet she still persists. How do you make somebody understand that the more you do that crap the more it makes me NOT want to marry you?

I just don't get it. Part of me wants to tell her "if you pressure me one more time we're thru, game over, I've told you numerous times not to pressure me." I just don't get why women feel like they are not complete without being married.

any words of wisdom? I'm getting pretty dang preterbed at her constant, nagging pressure. dammit woman, the more you nag the more I'm looking for somebody else to be my wife.

I mean really. Marriage to me is all about undying love, devotion and an ability to work together as a team....not just because its some next logical step based on some time table.

arghhhhhh. ticked off now.

 

?

 

well yeah, that's kinda a requirement of somebody I would want to marry.

 

how old is she? she may have a fear of dying an old-maid.

tell her if she asks one more time she's getting a cubic zirconia.

but really, if she brings it up again tell her straight up, you feel uncomfortable when she brings it up on a day to day basis. tell her your feelings for her are strong, and you want to settle down soon, but tell her you want to make sure it's the absolute right thing to do before you make any permanent life-changing decisions.

 

How old is she? Maybe shes afraid of waiting too long and her child-bearing years running out, a lot of older women have that fear. If you've already told her to knock it off and she can't stop you might need to rethink the relationship. If its something she can't wait for and you aren't ready for it/won't be anytime soon maybe its best for her to find someone that is willing to jump right into a marriage.

 

1 year and she's dying to get married?

then dump her.

 

Just tell her that shes not marriage material

 

I somewhat understand b/c I was with someone for 3 and half years and I got to the point that I wanted to get married and mentioned it often. But I also thought he loved me and I was his "it". You can always do what my ex did....just walk away. See what happens. It is unlikely that she will stop talking about it. I did just b/c I got tired of having my feelings hurt. Prayers to you.

 

BTW....Do you love her? because you didnt mention that, and if you dont, then why get married to her.

 

True True!

 

same situation that I had, he just kinda said it wasn't working and then left and I was definetely the one that was pushing for marraige. He kept saying that he was not ready. But in this case I don't understand why you would not want to make the step, if she is great and you spend all your time together is there a reason to not get married?

 

yes, the more she pressures the more I feel like she just wants to "be married" and doesn't really love me for who I am.

I don't think women get it...don't pressure/push.

 

Meh this whole undying love shit is bullshit. Seriously I think that is what fucks people up. We have this stereotype of undying love and everything pretty and blah blah blah when in truth if you like someone you like someone. Shit if you want to be in a relationship its not that hard to stay. Now since both of you are probably in your 30's I am pressuming time is running out for her and she is trying to get in where the gettings good. I say if she is a stand up chick and you guys have past the stage where your putting on your best faces for each other then hell why not. But dont get me wrong I understand where you are coming from but I kinda see her point as well.

 

I totally agree w/ JJ about the whole undying love bullshit. If that's the expectation you have going into a marriage, you're setting yourself up for a BIG disappointment. I'm not sure if you watch Desperate Housewives, I haven't seen the show, but that's not far off from the reality of most marriage. Husbands cheated on the wives and vise versa. That's why I don't think I'll ever get married.

 

it is so sad that you guys have such a pessimistic view on this whole thing. Love should be a great experience (so should marraige) and if you want it to be great than you can make it great. it all has to do with the effort that you put in, instead of being lazy. what you really want is what is important

 

You lead a very sheltered life, don't you.

 

i agree. if you look at marriage or go into it seeing it as something doomed to fail, IT WILL. conversely, some of you are right.. high expectations are usually not met either. you have to find the happy medium of practicality, but still strive to make the relationship work. you only get out what you put in.

 

She may have a bio clock ticking away, and in fact, if she is the same age as you, her chances of a more complex pregnancy are already beginning to increase. You have a clock ticking as well, unless you are really interested in having kids in college when you start collecting retirement benefits..... That said, she is testing the waters to determine if you'r the guy, and if you aren't she wants to know that as well so that she can start over somewhere else.

It might be that if the topic of marriage gets to you, this woman isn't the right one.

As for the concept of undying love - I dunno. I think love between two people who care about each other is something of an organic thing, it changes, grows and shifts over time. THe best form of love is one in which the individuality of each partner in the relationship feel nurtured, enriched and supported...........

 

If you can't see yourself spending the rest of your life w/ her, why are you still with her?


And she's a women, they spend their whole lives dreaming of getting married

 

dude, "the rest of your life", shit, hate to burst the bubble that you're living in, but on average a marriage lasts between 2 to 4 years. IT'S SAD, but very true...

 

man, that's pretty dang pessimistic.

hence why I'm a little apprehensive. I will marry for life because to me it means you are devoting the effort and care of raising a good family. Divorce is NOT raising a good family.

You're talking about starter marriages. I already went through one so to speak.

 

Her biological clock is ticking. After 35 it gets increasingly difficult to have a healthy baby.

 

 

either way, you don't go looking at a marriage (well this is gonna last 2-4 years). You marry someone because you think you'll spend the rest of your life w/ them. W/ that said, if you are dating someone for more then a year and you don't see that as a possibility it's time to get out.

 

his ex-wife probably left him, so he's a little bitter

 

Thats got to be BS. 2- 4 years average? I dont know anyone that was divorced that quickly. Not saying it doesnt happen but from my viewpoint its not the average.

 

from reading his other posts, he's very bitter towards relationships. I wouldn't be suprised if he pulled the figure out of his ass, while trying to erase the memory of a past lover

 

Marriage as an institution is FAILING because it has not adjusted to the social changes that have been going on here and abroad, that's why the divorce rate is so high in many of the developed countries, not just here in the U.S. And if you notice, only in the under-developed, third word countries where you can find divorce rate is low, that's because those places haven't gone thru alot of social changes over the years. As long as the catholic churches keep imposing the "traditional values" upon the institution, it'll only get harder to keep a marriage successful.

 

 

what does this have to do w/ anything. Give me some examples to what social changes you are talking about, cause that doesn't make much sense to me.


Reality still is, you don't marry someone unless you want to spend the rest of your life w/ them. So I really don't see what kind of argument you are making. The divorce rate is high, but people don't go into a marriage thinking "Oh, I'll just get a divorce down the road". Divorces cost to much to make anyone want to do that. And, yes marriage is a joke to most these days and divorce is common, but that doesn't mean people look at marriage lightly


what does the catholic church have to do w/ keeping marriage successful. Man you have come so far off the wall in this thread

 

So the catholic church is to blame for the rising divorce rate? I dont get it. Divorce is not even allowed in catholosism, so if anything the divorce rate amongst catholics is probably lower than in non-catholics. I dont have statistics, but its a logical assumption and also has been my own personal observation.

And what exactly are these Catholic speficic values that are the problem? Let me guess, you cheated on your wife (a sin) and she was catholic and divorced you over it. So if the catholic church said that cheating was OK, then you marriage would have been fine?

 

CL, I'm not bitter, the paxil that I've been on kind of take care of that, also the erection and my sex drive too, but that's beside the point. Agewise, you and I maybe not that far apart, but to still have that view of a rosey picture of marriage/relationship like that tells me that you haven't experienced the bad and the ugly sides of relationship/marriage, which, don't get me wrong, I'm glad for you. Anyway, that's all.

 

what a disturbing avatar

 

don't hate boo, still love you thou...

 

I definately have, been in a serious relationship for 4 years now (had great moments and horrid moments, including a few break ups) and am getting married in a year.


But seriously, your replies don't have anything to do w/ the statements i'm making to you. As I said, it definately sounds like you had a bad experience. That sucks for you, but I'll still stand behind everything i've said.

You do not get married unless you have every intention of spending the rest of your life w/ the person. Sure divorces happen, but you don't go into a marriage thinking "well i can always get a divorce if things don't work out".

You've yet to show us what you mean by the Catholic church, etc.




Maybe you need to lay off the paxil, because you definately aren't making any sense.

 

Not real sure where things went wrong for you. But true once in a lifetime love does exist, and if you are blessed, you will have it and maintain it. When I get married, it will be for life (til I return to Jesus) not just the next 2-4 years! Right now, the only person you need in your life seems to be Jesus to help you sort all that out. Prayers to you.

 

I'm getting very similar pressure from my gf. It's not daily, but it is pretty frequent. It doesn't help that a lot of our friends and relatives are also getting married. We've been going out nearly two years and things are fairly good, but there are a few issues we need to resolve. She thinks that getting married will resolve the issues, where I want them resolved before getting married. I'm pretty sure that if we don't get engaged by the end of the year, she'll be walking. Marriage is just not something I want to be pressured into, regardless of how I feel about her.

If you truly aren't ready, then you need to hold your ground. If you hold your ground, she may resent you until you give in, but if you give in, you will resent her for a long time.

 

sooooo true

 

Well, thankfully I have never had one of my girlfriends pressure me into marriage. Although I was dating this girl for about a year and I could not see myself living with her much less marrying her, and thus I got out as best I could (it wasn't amicable, but she was glad I was honest with her...although I think she hated me for taking her virginity). Anyway...

I proposed to my fiancee 11 months after I had met her. I may have gotten to her before she was ready to start imposing the marriage talk to me, but I really don't think she was like that. Of course we were 26 at the time, and yes the clock is ticking but not as badly as it would be if we were in our 30's.

The next time she mentions marriage, you need to tell her that everytime she brings it up, it makes you not want to marry her more and more, and seem distant and upset about it. Obviously you seem to like this woman, and if you are even thinking of spending your life with her, you need to tell her your true feelings. A relationship means nothing without trust and telling each other the truth about your feelings.

 

I was married for 22 years, 18 of them were AWESOME! I know many people that have been married for MANY years 30+. Mine ended because we both pretty much grew apart as people and decided it was just too much strain to try to keep it together, our marriage was never an intense love thing, but was very good for a long time, and when we married the intention was for the rest of our lives.
Anyone that believes at the tender age of 27 that marriage can't last, obviously hasn't found someone that has the correct effect on them. Our society has changed since the early days of the Church, but that in no way invalidates the desire to live the rest of ones life with another person.
If someone is feeling "pressure" to marry, then by no means should they! It has to be a mutual desire!