04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

I've been with someone for 9 years now. We met back in high school and dated ever since. We did everything together, she's my best friend, my partner in crime my everything. It's been rough the last year and a half, due to my actions when we went to Greece in 2009. We got into 3 arguments, I needed space and walked away from her. I should have known better but I didn't and I ended up walking away just to calm down which in her eyes I left her in a country where she doesn't know the language nor directions. In all 3 cases I was ahead of her by a block.

Mixing family + the lady + vacation = the worse choice of my life. If I could turn back time I so would. We had an argument this past Sunday, things got heated over the phone and I said things out of anger and didn't mean anything. Because of my actions I pushed away the love of my life. She wanted a break for the week and we will talk about our status on Saturday, however I spoke to her last night and she's pretty firm on "she's done". I haven't slept which is why I am posting this at 5:00 AM.

I get to see her this Saturday, it's going to be the last farewell. Unless she changes her mind but I am completely torn. I was making decent money at my job and I took a 50% paycut. I've been under a lot of stress which is why I blew up on the phone. There's a lot more to this whole situation as you can tell after 9 years and if this was the only issue, and we couldn't get past this then it would make no sense to anyone reading. Towards the last 8 months my relationship to her family has been suffering. Her living situation isn't the best either as her parent's are split but still together on paper.

She graduated college and I understand it's very hard to find a job, it's been 8 months and she still has not found a job most of it is not applying herself. For the 9 years I was the one who took care of expenses. I was a good guy to her and did a lot of her and her family, my family is telling me for all the things I've done she shouldn't give up so quickly and to them it only means she doesn't really appreciate me. I know she appreciated me, I know she loves me. I hurt her, and this is the price for my actions. I was thinking with another 5 days for her to think about things would it be enough time for her to change her mind and give this another try. We been down this road 2x before, this would be the 3rd break up and final one.

I offered for us to seek therapy to help us in this, she declined. The worse feeling in the world is knowing this is it, the person you have been with for 9 years is not going to be there anymore. This was the person I wanted to marry and start a family with and now, this is no longer the case. The pain, the ability to continue my days are difficult. When I turn to family they are angry towards her and it doesn't help me. I am at a loss, I wasn't going to post this but right now I need support and feel as if I failed.

nj2pa2nc

you sound alot like my nephew. He broke up after a long relationship. A few years later-they got back together-they have now been married 11+years with 2 children.

Mr. Maker

iTrader: (4)

I'm very sorry. It's seems like you've done your part to save the relationship. Your family is right. She is giving up WAY too easily and that also tells me she doesn't appreciate you and all the fond memories you've made. It also leads me to believe she is very immature. My wife and I have been together for about 10 years. We have our fair share of fights but I think its healthy. Being around someone for so long you have to vent at times. Its only natural. We say what we have to say, take both of our points of view into consideration, compromise and move on. Breaking up isn't even in our vocabulary.

All in all, its life. I hope everything works out for the best.

doopstr

If she's the one, it will work out.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

Sorry to hear this, but dating for 9 years without a ring, things were bound to fall apart sooner or later. If it's meant to be she will give it another shot. It does concern me that you've broken up twice already. Sounds to me that you need to sit down and have a long talk and see where it leaves you. Good luck

KaMLuNg

iTrader: (5)

to the OP... i was once in a similar situation as you... i was with my college g/f for about four years... we traveled across the country together, was in thick and thin, broke off and tried to make it work, seeked counseling, and were engaged to be married...

at the end of it, the best decision was for me to walk away from it all... as much as you remember the good memories and the bad, you need more than just the comfort of having your companion that you are used to... you have to think about what led up to all this and what is best for yourself... don't feel selfish, at the end of the day, it is still about who is A#1... that is you... if you don't take care of yourself, it will affect your physical health and mentality...

i agree, it is a scary world out there, and you are afraid of being alone... i was... after being with someone for that long, it is like losing a part of yourself, and losing a sense of who you are... you forget what it was like to be single... don't be afraid to lean on your friends, they will be there for you...

BUT, you are young... i was younger than you when i split with my ex... tbh, i believe everything happens for a reason... i am now married for 2 yrs to my wonderful loving wife... and she is the best thing that has ever happened to me...

it is cliche' but there are tons of fish in the sea... you are in the tri-state area still??? we benefit from the girl/guy ratio here... get out there, have some fun, meet new people, just stay safe...

ROWDY621

Yeah man, I was in the same situation as you and needless to say we didn't work out... Sorry

gatoferoz25

iTrader: (13)

Hey GUSS I remember when u took her to Greece for vacation I even met her at Starbucks she looks to be a smart girl so u will have another chance to talk to her An fix all the
Matters u r a good kid an every person who has the pleasure to meet U they all can say same thing about U bro...
U need to relax an talk about all the good stuff that happened in ur relationship that way u forget about bad things for a little bit an start from there if she loves U enough liKe U love her she would see that u r the right guy to marry her but both of Us needs to be in the same page if this don't take u nowhere then u gonna have to understand that this situation is not a coincidence this happen for a good reason an remember there is a GOD that is always there for u..!!
Don't flake if u really want to be with her
Good luck and GOD BLESS U BROW .....

FiftyFive

Truer words have never been spoken.

myron

iTrader: (4)

me and gf broke up a month ago too so I know the feeling. We have been together for only 2 years but it still hurts a lot. Those 2 years have been the hardest years of my life with surgeries, jail, house arrest, and she's been there for me. That made me love her so much more. Now that my life is back to normal, she's not there any more and it makes me really sad that I can't enjoy it with her.
Can't really tell you anything to make you feel better, only time makes you feel better. At least that's what I tell myself. And dude, after 9 years you should have closed that deal if she was the one, ring on the finger and all.

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

this

silver3.5

9 years is a long time but breakups happen all the time! Move on and start enjoying a new relationship. If you value marriage, now is the best time to have fun!

Dr. Colorado

swoosh

iTrader: (5)

bro...first of all sorry your going thro this....

2nd STOP BLAMING URSELF !!! You actually sound a lot like me so will share something with u....I was dating this chic for 3 years and everytime we fought i freaking blamed myself after couple hours and was like "shit" its my fault and my anger pushed the girl away and stuff like that.....

shit happens....maybe she is not the one for you....

bottom line....whether you want her back or not....DO NOT let the break up affect ur life....if you let it affect ur life, game over for ya buddy.....

if you move past it, she will wanna get back (past experience) and then its your choice whether you wanna get back in the same rut or want to go find ur true soul mate....

Mr. Maker

iTrader: (4)

Tattoo a pile of shit on her back.

BraveDemon

Sorry to hear that OP. I can totally relate to a lot of what you stated; I recently proposed to my fiance but I can definitely say that alot of what you relayed in your relationship also happened during my 6 years together with my fiance. Early on, I would get hot headed and angry, and sometimes just walk away.

But as we got older together, we stopped taking things the other said/did as something meant to harm the other - we try to view things objectively and rarely get into arguments anymore.

Two of the greatest lessons I've learned through being with my fiance is to never say anything out of anger, and to never go to bed angry at another person. For me it was an ego/pride issue, and she literally had to break my ego/pride - ironically alot of other people agree that there have been positive changes to both of our personalities as we grew together.

I hope things work out, but if you guys are arguing like this 9 years in, I think that you guys aren't growing from being with each other... and maybe it is time to let her go.

myron

iTrader: (4)

yes

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

TeknoKing

Vacation or living together will set you straight about the person you are with...

You guys got into a fight, you stormed away. She got scared. Felt vulnerable. Blah. Blah. Blah... If this tiny matter made her this overly upset, imagine when real issues will be discussed..you know life..living, expenses, family, health. And I'd assume in 9 years of being with you she knows you, how you act and your buttons...So calling you a dumbass, waiting on you to apologize, taking her to dinner and spa, buying her flowers for a week would of sufficed. BUT. OK, I'll shut up.. I'm just saying, maybe this is not a coincidence.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Damn....that sucks.

That said, you're 26 and you both have been together for 9 years. Maybe you NEED some time apart to figure out things. It sounds like she is frustrated with things aside from you like her family and her job situation. Sometimes you just can't fix everything.

I know it sounds corny but maybe you need to take a step back and let her figure things out. If she figures out that she wants to be with you then she can. If she decides to walk then remember the good times.

And lastly....be thankful that it is now and not after you are married and have a couple kids.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

^^^^

And if none of this works for you then bang her sister or best friend.

doopstr

pics?

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

mdkxtreme

How come you didn't think about marrying her this whole time? 9 years is a long time. I got engaged to my girl at 6 years.

But since we've both been in a long relationship, I can relate.

I won't say much because my situation is different than yours, but I will say this. If you WANT to be with her and you still LOVE her, then tell her EVERYTHING about how you feel. Be the first person to speak. That's what I did when me and my girl "broke up." I realized I wanted her in my life forever so I just chased her and told her, not asked her, that I want to be with her and that I want her to be with me. In the end, she took me back and we have been doing just fine.

After every argument and every close break-ups, we learn from our mistakes and we become a better couple. I am better at controlling my anger and ego and she is better at making unselfish decisions. We both change each other for the better and that's why I choose to spend the rest of my life with the girl I'm with.

If you guys do get back together, you will be a stronger couple. If you do not change just a little, then she is not for you.

If after all that and she still doesn't want to be with you, then you can happily walk away knowing that you did everything you could for the relationship. In the end you tried and there are just things you can't control. You should accept that fact because you didn't fail. You can then knowingly be a better person in a new relationship.

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

Only if you knew how many people told me this today. I am a hard working man and honor my relationship and would do anything for it not to get to that point.

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

I did therapy to help manage why I do things that may hurt people. I needed to talk to a professional at the time of the 2nd break up and figure out what's holding me back to making this relationship better. At the end, I got back together with her and things were looking bright up in till the trip to Greece. Before Greece she would have married me on the spot, after what happened she couldn't say yes or no to marriage as It tore me up inside but I said sorry a million times and didn't do that to her ever again. We went to Myrtle beach for a week on our own and had a blast, no problems.

I could have put a ring on her finger, however she was still in school with loans to pay off. She had a thing of not being engaged longer than a year before the wedding. I wasn't ready $$$ to get married young. It's the money that held me back for myself and a time frame, for her it was being able to depend on me considering what happened in Greece. Your wondering then why waste my time, because I love her and 9 years isn't worth giving up so easy.

I'm glad it worked out, I don't know what will happen if this is to end. I must keep my head up high and stay as strong as I can and move forward. My heart, my well being can only take so much. I can't subject myself to another get back together after a long split, it will be like post traumatic stress disorder for me. It would have to be we get back together now or just break clean.

God bless you both! I'm sure it's more of needing space then giving up easily. She's been through a lot, we did have our fair share of arguments didn't help. I've been trying to reduce the amount of fights we have and just address things that bother me in a calm matter.

I would love to sit down and talk to her right now, but she needs her space. I will do so when we see each other.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

The problem is that it is not just your decision. I have seen many relationships fail and usually there is one person that is willing to work a lot harder than the other.

DO NOT beat yourself up on this. I do not see someone just throwing away a 9 year relationship. Give her time and space but at the same time do not put your life on hold.

mdkxtreme

Ahhh you know what, now that I think about it, I was in the same situation as you. I completely understand why you didn't get engaged though cause it was the same reason why I got engaged at 6 years. My bad on that part. You actually made a good decision on holding off the engagement.

But I will reiterate this cause I edited my original post and didn't know if you see it. If after all that and she still doesn't want to be with you, then you can happily walk away knowing that you did everything you could for the relationship. In the end you tried and there are just things you can't control. You should accept that fact because you didn't fail. You can then knowingly be a better person in a new relationship.

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

It is scary out there, as I don't feel it in me to go out and look for someone. I am in the Bergen county area, your right it's about my well being 1st. As I will continue to go to the gym and stay healthy and look into managing stress and my anger. In the end it would be good for whatever life brings a long.

Thank you buddy! you have no idea how much I appreciate that. I've been many things for everyone and been the best person possible. It hurts, and not only that but I introduced you to her, it's another good memory of mine which I hope never fades. I know she loves me and I'm sure this is very hard on her as well, nobody wants to make that decision to end a relationship unless it's abusive or someone cheated. Not in this case.

It's not easy brotha! Stay strong, as for the ring she didn't want to wait longer than a year or so in till the wedding. 2 years of having an engagement ring on, nobody knows what's going to happen in 2 years.

That's basically what everyone has been saying to me including my personal trainer at the gym who is an ex marine Sargent. I can only put some blame on myself not all, but it's hard not to look back and say "I should have not done that" "I should have done this instead" You end up blaming yourself, and worse of all I feel that only did I let her down but I hurt her and that hurts me the most.

mdkxtreme

What triggers your anger sometimes? I learned that I get my anger mostly from my ego. When I feel like I am being brought down just a little, my ego takes over and tells me to defend myself at all cost.

That became a huge problem in my relationship because I would hardly be lovey dovey because it messes with my ego. I would snap into a monster when I feel like my girl is showing a bit of authority. It was bad.

But that is gone now. I tell my girl I love her every chance I get and that she's damn beautiful. My ego is telling me that I'm turning into a bitch but I am able to ignore it and my anger problem has declined a lot.

Don't know if that helps you but you have to find out what makes you mad, and then manipulate it.

04WDPSeDaN

iTrader: (1)

Just about the same as you. I've bent myself backwards for people and have done a lot, I got pushed around a lot too. I got to the point where I wasn't take shit or attitude for anyone and it kicked into high gear, went out of control. I went from 270 pounds to 194, I felt like an animal at times and lost myself. As a lot who know me say "He wears his heart on his sleeve" I do, I care about people and their feelings and when I get angry and raise my voice I feel that's not me. I have an overwhelming sense of regret after I do something like that because I know better. I try to manage it now.

mdkxtreme

Hahah gah damn I feel like you're my twin or something. I love helping people. I feel like it's my nature. I dream of being in the medical field and go to other countries to do some humanitarian work.

But when I get mad, I am heartless. I would be immune to tears and emotional pain from others. This was mainly due to the Army, conditioning me to take shit from no one and always go for the kill. My girl said I changed a lot after coming home from bootcamp and changed even more after coming home from Iraq. But I'm glad I reversed all that. I think you have to find it in yourself to do the same.

swoosh

iTrader: (5)

the point is WHATS DONE IS DONE !!!

if you cant do anything about it then stop thinking and move on....

unlike other people i would say am glad u didnt tie the knot else u wud be going thro a divorce right now....and splitting all that you own plus more since she wasnt working and u were....

chin up and get to work, workout, parties, meet new people and try to move on....girls dig that (if she see's ur not miserable she will want u back).....else meet other girls and move on !!!

Lj60xr

When life brings you to your knees,Just remember your in the perfect position to pray!

97BlackAckCL

iTrader: (6)

I meant when you see each other

double to everything Ravi said

oo7spy

I think there is a lot of good advice here and some thoughtful input. I have to agree with whoever said it that you need to tell here everything you told us and whatever else you are feeling when you see her next. The largest issue I have in my relationships is not expressing how I feel. Alcoholism in my family has taught many of us to hold our emotions in or treat them like they aren't valid. Tell her your feelings and what you feel bad about, and make sure she knows exactly what you are thinking. Give it to her straight and only she will be able to except or reject it.

Did y'all experience any other turbulence after 5 years? I don't know when your second breakup was, and it really doesn't matter for you to share. My only point here is the 7 year itch is real. I have experienced it and have watched my sister experience it. It is possible that yours came 2 years later. This is a rough time where you are both fully comfortable around each other, but maybe haven't given up on the personal dreams you had as a youth. Doubt can settle in as it becomes more apparent that you will be spending the rest of your lives together, and people want to evaluate if there is reason to leave before it is TOO late. It is this dwelling on the issues that drives the wedge in. The sad part is that by this point it is almost obvious that you should be together. Otherwise, you wouldn't make it to 7 years.

As for your reactions, I learned my anger from my father who can get VERY angry very quickly. I call it a rage, and I definitely learned it early on. Lucky for me, I also learned that I did not want to react that way when I was 11 or so. When I can tell that something isn't going to go over well with my wife, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask her to give me a minute. The worst of us comes out in the heat of the moment, and like you said, it almost always isn't who we truly are. If you can tell something is going to push your button, you can always ask you SO, "Please stop for a minute. I need a second to think things through. I don't want to get mad." That will give you time to collect yourself and also give her time to evaluate if she really wants to say what she is about to say. If it doesn't work and she keeps going, you will likely boil over, but having said that gives you both an opportunity to reflect on where it all could have been avoided.

Good luck man. Whatever will be will be. Put your true self out there, and she will except you if she wants it.

ABP_04TL

iTrader: (2)

Gus! Damn bro sorry to hear that... My advice is if the love is meant to happened for the both of ya, it'll happen and she will come back and the both of you can fix the whole situation... Just don't put your life on hold, I met her before in front of your house and she seemed to be a pretty cool person, just wait it out till Saturday don't call her or text her till then.

Im about to have 7yrs with my girl and we've had ups and downs and we have been strong and got thru it and closed the problem. I am about to pull the trigger this coming up year and settle down with her... Gus call me if anything bro u know we live like 25mins away

1killercls

Yea that will help.

YeuEmMaiMai

OP,

You got some hard choices to make and if you want your girl, you are going to have to show her that you are man enough to learn from your mistakes....and if she takes you back, she is going to have to learn from her mistakes. The two of you are the cause and the solution to your problem(s).

btw, doing all of those things for her without getting the same in return should be a BIG RED FLAG as to what is going on in your relationship amd just maybe your family is on to something here....

I hope you and your girl are lucky enought to work it out and come to a mutually benificial solution.

BC2G

3 arguments shouldn't break 9 years worth of relationship bonding. Are you sure this story isn't missing some pertinent details??

Anyway best of luck. Gotta close one door to open another.