eclipse23

Guys,

Top reasons why I am single after 9 years & why you should really look hard at your current relationships to ensure you don’t end up like I almost did.


My mother did not like her, neither did my dad, did I mention my sister wasn’t too keen on her either?
While I would never let my parents dictate to me my definition of happiness they both, on many different occasions gave me their truthful opinion about my ex. My mother made the observation that she was not very motherly and somewhat distant to children my father somehow saw deeper into our relationship and just knew it was a bad relationship to be in. I come from a very strong, supportive family and while I don’t let their opinions change my life I sure as hell listen to them and ponder as to why they felt that way. My family loves me, they would not have a reason to tell me things to intentionally hurt me.

Lesson learned: Your family loves you, they have to put up with your ‘other half’ for years to come if you marry her so listen to what they have to say.

Look at your girlfriend’s mother and you’ll see what you are getting in 40 years.
Oh boy, where to start on this one… My ex’s mother retired at 63 and decided that sitting in her room all day, every day doing the minimum she had to do to get through a day was going to be her career till the day she died. The times that I did come up to say hi her mother would be in pajamas shuffling around the house playing with the cats. I swear to god I’d wake up at 3am some nights and just think how I’d be soo miserable if my g/f followed the same path. I noticed that every time my g/f was having bad day or if I was not around she’d go to bed and sleep for a hour. Hmmm, too much sleep….she’s turning into her mother…..

Lesson learned: Daughters and sons will most likely turn into some manifestation of their mother or father. If the parents are dysfunctional, lazy, or raised their kids with shitty values watch out!

How to enslave your youngest child using guilt & ver 1.0 *Recommended read*
I have to give my ex’s mother credit, her manipulative skills probably rival those of that nutty guy in Jonestown who convinced a couple of hundred people to drink cyanide mixed in Kool Aid. I really recommend you read this so your g/f or b/f does not fall into the parent trap. 4 years ago my ex’s father died. Now, without getting into specifics her father was on disability & was a hardcore gambler, womanizer & alcoholic. The parental relationship was non-existant and they pretty much lived in the same house with one living in the living room and the other in the master bedroom. They hated each other but pretty much stayed together because they both had a roof over their heads. I took my g/f out of this hell and she moved in with me, well, until he died. Her mother claimed disability due to a back problem and was able to collect her pention, disability and retirement all while doing as little as possible. My ex moved back in with her after her husband died to ‘help out’ and never could leave. The sad, truthful thing about this part of the relationship is that her mother has effectively conned her daughter into helping her with everything and in turn totally limiting her ability to be an independent woman.

Here’s the Con:
The mother takes the mortgage to the home & GIVES IT to my g/f. She the rewrites her will and cuts out her other two children and leaves my g/f everything. My g/f signs the mortgage w/out letting me know and I get to find out months later. So, here’s my g/f now the primary on a mortgage with a home in her name that her mother lives in and here’s me thinking ‘great, if we get married I’m going to have to put our mortgage in my name & I’ll be financially responsible for two homes, one of which is a piece of shit that needs 50-75K in remodeling. Now, I would do anything for my parents BUT I do understand that YOUR relationship and that one that your have with your parents should always be separate.

Lesson learned: Parents should never hold their children back for their own selfish needs & children should be independent and smart enough to see when they are being suckered into a life of servitude.

Mokos23

I'll be sure to keep my eyes on these things because I especially looked at:

"My mother did not like her, neither did my dad, did I mention my sister wasn’t too keen on her either"

That was about the same with me and my ex-gf, except it was more my cousins weren't too keen on her.

about the look at your girlfriend’s mother and you’ll see what you are getting in 40 years. it's all unfortunately true.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Damn man. I'm amazed it lasted that long.

My family's opinion means a lot to me too, so I agree with you there. You'll get a lot of people saying that the family's opinion shouldn't matter. And in a perfect world, that's true. I was lucky....my mom and sister both like my wife and I really like her family too. That really made it easy for us.

I can't believe that her mom is that messed up. To write her kids out of her will. That's rough.

Was it a huge concern that your ex would do the same one day?

Anyways....enjoy being single. I can't imagine what it must be like to be with someone through your 20's. Those were some good years. Well, make up for it.

BustedJack

I really don't think the reasons stated are why you are single today or why you broke up with her. Those are one of the important reasons, but certainly not the PRIMARY REASONS.
Your parents not liking your girlfriend is a big factor to why you broke up... in the back of your mind you know this and you know your family doesn't approve of her but will accept her because you loved her. I think your gf lack some important critiera that to this date at age 31, you still haven't married her. The mom~daughter comparison is very true. I took a look at my wifey's mom when I started dating her.... I had to see what she'll look like in 40 years... and it looked pretty damn good lol.......
9 years is a long time Ernie.... there has to be things that made you end the relationship... so what is it ?

Did you try ACIRE's "A healthier Relationship" advice
I showed that to my wife and I got a huge list of "what I need to do"


yes I can imagine... for many it's a great thing if you find that someone you truly want to be with ....

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

I never read that.

BustedJack

That was a joke She's my sister-in-law...........

good tips on there though... honestly.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

I have. I think it is important to have that time to be single and figure out what you want though. About 6 years ago, I had it bad for this girl. "Marriage," "kids," "rest of our lives" were words that were tossed around frequantly. It ended, and as much as it sucked, in some ways I think it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I learned a lot about myself.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

I'll have to give it a read.

eclipse23

I have to compose chapter 2 my friend!

saiko_cl_duck

ahh, so this is a mini-series.

michimonster

sweet!!!!

What I learned:
Money matters. If your s/o isn't settled into a career and has finances in line by the age of 30, there are bigger fish to fry. If you cant handle paying the bill son time but seem to always go out and buy toys instead, this will not give you financial success in the future. Responsibility with money shows responsibility with life

Similiar lifestyles are important:
If you dont drink, smoke, arent a party animal, anti-social, were brought up in two totally different family scenarios. You're going to clash heads A LOT.

kwelity

That is the biggest crock of crap I have ever read in my entire life. Individuals will choose their own path and their parents are not a direct reflection of what they will become or who they are. That is one of the dumbest statements I have read in quite some time.....

Whiskers

These are good tips for when my wife leaves me.....

NSXNEXT

iTrader: (2)

Oh sooo dramatic. At 23 I'm sure you're quite the expert.

Trust me, at 38, I've dated a lot of women and it's amazing how true Ernie's statement is.

One of the most important things I looked for in a women is her drive and determination. My in-laws both came from nothing, FIL is a lawyer with his own practice. MIL has her MS in education and, even though retired, works more as an independent consultant than ever. They are very good with money as my wife is. My wife has the same drive and determination. Her brother is the same. My wife has her masters and her brother is completing his doctorate. They both have excellent careers.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

Whiskers

As far as work ethic goes, my wife is a lot different then my mother-in-law (so far)...My MIL barely worked, but she was a hell of a homemaker....

NSXNEXT

iTrader: (2)

Oh so YOU inherited your MIL's work ethic.

Whiskers

Not her cooking skills though....

BustedJack

She will leave you on JUNE 2007

Whiskers

If I get yours in exchange, Ill call it a wash....

BustedJack

nice!

evilone

it seems as though you made the right choice and this was something on your mind for quite a long time. how long ago did your parents tell you how the felt about your ex? i think for the most part all the lessons learned are very true.

fla-tls

I've known the one about your family not liking her. My mom and sister are MUCH better at reading a woman than I am. Everyone I've dated that they didn't like has been bad news. No exceptions.

My current GF is liked so much by my family that I fear if we break up, they'll keep her and get rid of me!

BustedJack

^ current GF at age 38

fla-tls

Don't be a hater. You don't know me or my situation.

Don't judge me - and I promise I won't judge you.

BustedJack

eclipse23

So, there's no truth in the statistics of alcoholic parents to the number of alcoholic children? Do you honestly think that we do not pick up or carry any of our parents traits as we get older? How about the wifebeater who says that he does it because his father used to do it?

Also:
My father is a hard working very well centered individual who always put his family before even himself. My mother has the same work ethic and sacrificed everything down to her engagement ring to put my sister and I through private schools. Both of my parents are retired now and spend their time helping my sister with her kids, they get up every day get dressed and participate in life like everyone else. It's funny that here I am at 31, financially responsible, hard working and well centered I shouldn't recognize my family as having anything to do with that? I think not. Give your kids a role model to look up to and they won't look to celebrities and posters for their role models.

kwelity

What you forget is that as human being we are individuals our personalities are not always going to be the same as our parents. We may pick up things from them but to judge someone based upon their parents is bullsiht. There are many hardworking successful people who come from bad homes, crack addict or alcoholic parents, and they completely go the opposite direction. Your view is not only judgemental but small minded and a gross generalization. Too often as humans we spend too much time looking externally instead of seeking internal understanding about our choices and who we select as mates. Instead of judging her and her situation perhaps you should be analyzing why you stuck around as long as you did if she was truely as problematic as you make her out to be.

Whats funny to me is solely based upon my age you would discredit what i say yet had I left that absent and gave my opinion would you be so quick to reject it? All I am saying is that to say that the actions and lifestyle of someones parents will determine their future success and demeanor is extremely unfair and not necessarily true.

Since we are stating personal life scenarios let me give you mine.

My father is 63 years old, lives in an apartment, has never owned a home, or built any types of wealth he is forced to work every day to make a living at 63. He is a poor steward of his finances, and is a bitter angry hateful man. He has no social skills is very unsucessful and is just now starting to realize the error in his life course.

I am quite the opposite I am 23 a home owner, I have my own business as well as my job in the US Air Force. I have investments I am financially sound and can pretty much say I am the counter opposite of my father. What I have personally learned is that people will find any excuse for why they are the way they are and one of the easiest is my parents didnt do this or do that or my parents were like this or that. We are individuals and we make choices we can either repeat mistakes our mothers and fathers made or blaze our own trails I just dont believe in judging people based upon who their mother or father was or any other external factor. Judge them based on individual actions and performance.

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

^^^

I don't disagree with a lot of what kwelity is saying. I agree that you define who you turn out to be. I am a lot different from my parents. But my up-bringing was a big factor for me. Any ethical and moral decision I have had to make is based on how my parents raised me.

I think you are right that some people can be 100% different than their parents, but that's not the norm.

90% of the people I know have turned into their parents. And at 23, they were all the total oppersite. You change with age. That's why we older folks are saying what we did. I for one think you sound like you have a good head on your shoulder. Maybe you will be in that 10%.

As for parents and family influencing decisions you make regarding your life and who you spend it with....for me my family HAD to like my wife, or at least respect her, and vice versa. I cannot for a minute think of how difficult it would have been if they didn't. My parents and I were really close growing up. I drifted apart for a bit during college and when I was in my early 20's. But today, I value my family's input.

I also have a 9 month old son (9 months today ). And I can't imagine how much it would hurt if my family didn't approve of my wife, and therefore didn't feel like they could be around my son. AND THIS DOES HAPPEN A LOT. My mom call my wife more than me so they can talk about the baby. I can't think of how it would be if they didn't talk. And if my wife didn't get along with my family and caused me to decide between them I would 100% resent it. Maybe not today, but some day.

I have ended relationships because I knew that either her parents or mine would have issues. It's not an easy decision. As you get older you don't live for the moment as much. You always, in the back of your mind, consider the future.

moeronn

Many of the points you make are valid; however, it seems you still became the way you are because of and inspite of your father. At some point in your life you realized that you didn't like the way your father was living his life and you did everything in your power to avoid being the same way. Most young people say they don't want to grow up to be like their parents, but that usually has to do with less significant personality traits or idiosyncrasies. Everyone is influenced by the people they grow up with - some for the better, but many for the worse.

And while eclipse did make some broad generalizations, if you had 100 kids who grew up in a positive environment and 100 kids who grew up in a negative environment, my bet is that you would have more positive/productive lives coming from the group who grew up in a positive environment.

Python2121

I think people end up exactly like their parents and when they don't they are usually completely opposite as a reaction

BustedJack

Where is our relationship expert on this and our psychologist? (ACIRE )

kwelity: you have made some valid points; however most kids grow up wanting to be just like their parents if the parents have done a great job on their upbringings. In most cases, kids do tend to become their father or mother once they grow older... a few like yourself may tend to be different. I grew up exactly like my father with the exception of being more successful. But that's what every father's dream. Kids coming from broken families tend to either be directly like their father or exactly opposite.
Eclipse's statement was a bit broad but in many ways it's agreeable.

eclipse23

I never discounted what you said based on your age. That's great and all that at 23 you have all these great things going I was no different. I personally don't feel that my observations are gross generalizations or small minded, we all shape our opinions from our experiences. One could easily say that you are how you are 'in spite' of your parent's lack of X. Maybe you fear one day you'll end up like him so subconciously you push yourself harder, there's nothing wrong with that either.

Parents DO have an effect on your upbringing unless you came out of the womb with a financial plan, career & 30 year project plan as to how great your life is going to be I guess your immune.

We don't live in a vacccuum we are shaped by the world around us and things that happen, people we meet, trust, etc. In respects to my now past relationship the truth is my g/f DID PICK UP alot of her mother's traits, maybe to you that's impossible to believe but in this respect she did and it pushed me further away.

kwelity

When worded like this I whole heartedly agree I just really hate to see folks generalize groups based upon the actions of individuals.

eclipse23

I haer ya man, I have seen people go both ways in life I'm sure you have too.

Rodney

"the apple doesn't fall far from the tree"

Papa_Sean

^^ I learned that when I met my ex and her bi-polar mother



I dont see a prob with that. I know plenty of people that age or older who do the same thing.

wndrlst

Interesting points on the influence of parents on their children. I don't feel like any of the outside factors you listed, are insurmountable in and of themselves if you loved her and had a strong relationship. BUT, it sounds like she wasn't helping matters from her end. My husband inherited a hella effed up family when he decided to stick with me. The thing is, I recognize it and try to buffer the impact as much as I can.

My dad is a drug addict. His boyfriend (who he left my mom for when I was 13 mos) is an alcoholic (albeit a very kind one). My brother is a recovering drug addict who has tried to kill himself several times. The last time, he ended up in the ICU for 9 days and underwent 4 surgeries. I've questioned innumerable times why he has taken his path, and I've taken the opposite. Unfortunately, I still don't have any answers. I'm lucky to have a wonderful mother, but then, so does he.

I agree wholeheartedly with those who would say my choices are still a direct influence of my family. I've watched my dad land himself in a wheelchair, and my brother self-destruct enough to completely reject any of the same behaviors.

It sounds like your ex still needs to figure out how to untie herself from the emotional drain that is her mother. I'm not saying she has to sever ties or turn her back on her (heck, my dad & his partner are in town visiting right now), but she has to learn how to find her backbone, and remember that her life is her own.

My dad has used his disability to pull my guilt strings since he landed in the chair when I was 10. It worked for a long time, but it doesn't anymore. I thought he was going to have a stroke when I told him I was moving across the country 5 years ago. If he'd had his way, I'd never even have gone away to college. Nevermind what was in my best interest. Heck, he has no college education, and hasn't had a job in over 20 years, what do I need with all that? Yesterday, I broke the news that we'll likely be leaving the country next summer. It's been a fun visit.

My point is, I feel you, and I'm sorry it's turned out the way it has. I can see how you could start 9 years ago with a young woman who had potential, then slowly watch her lose the battle with her family, and not even really notice how bad it's gotten util it was really bad. That sort of thing can be pretty insidious.

I hope very much, for her sake, that she will figure things out a bit. She's stuck with the family she was born to, but she still has a lot of freedom of choice in life. She can be as strong or as weak as she chooses to be. Good luck to both of you.

Jeez this got long. Sorry.

eclipse23

You really hit the nail on the head with that post. Breaking up after nine years is like watching a nuclear blast from 5 miles away. You see the explosion and are dazzled by the lights but then the shockwave hits.

Truth is we were in two different places emotionally and relationship wise. I honestly don't think I could put up with the situation for years to come I simply pictured myself an angry man who at one point would be regretting his decisions.

wndrlst

I think it takes a lot of courage to recognize that and to do something about it. Especially when you've got a 9 year comfort zone. It won't be easy to start over, as you've acknowledged, but it sounds like it's the best thing for you. Good for you.