ZeroCL

...or atleast I feel that way. I somehow get jealous very easily and I guess come off as very possesive. I have been dating my girlfriend for a year and a lil now and I still find myself being jealous and such. Not sure why, she's never really done anything to screw my trust over. We did go on a break once simply cause we werent feelin it anymore but than got back together a week or two later. Sometimes she says she'll call than never call when shes out, like as if she gets caught up in all of the fun that she doesnt even remember to call me or whatever. Things like that piss me off. If someone says they'll call, i damn well expect a call or some form of info that they're busy or whatever.

Can someone tell me how to stop being so jealous? Like I find it hard. And I stupidly flipped on her tonight on the phone and screamed that I was fucking pissed for some immature reason and she was like 'wow, i dont know if i should be treated this way' So i let her get off the phone, called her back and apologized. Why the hell do I fuck myself over so much.

HELP.

ninetysevencl

Well, do you trust her?

ZeroCL

yes, just for some reason it comes off that I dont I guess.

Renegade

Then stop getting pissed if she doesnt call. my ex-g/f told me she'd call me back or call all the time and then she never did, it pissed me off a lot, but it hurt the relationship even more. just either deal with it or break up with her IMO. I call people back when i say i will, but just cuz she doesnt, doesnt mean shes doing things behind your back.

'03TL-S

iTrader: (10)

if you really trust her then you just have to deal with it, it's not like she did it on purpose i don't think. you just have to change your ways or it'll not be good in the long run.

Doc Holiday

You need to quit fucking tripping. Plain and simple. If you dont stop, chances are, the relationship wont last much longer. If you throw such a hissy fit over her not calling when she says she will, then TALK to her. Let her know to either call you when she says she will, or not call at all.

The year you've been with her, was it like this all the time, or did it recently start happening? And when I mean by that, I mean all the jealousy and possessiveness. Does she do things to make you jealous or what?

amisconception

You just have to relax more man... If she's doing things that upset you that much, you just have to re-evaluate if it's worth all the trouble. Tell her that. Tell her you don't like the way she makes you feel when she does X, Y and Z. If she doesn't want to respect those things and work on them with you, then she's just bound to do them again and then resent you for it.

Screaming is a major red-flag. Don't let the things that eat you up eat you up. You have to take control of your feelings one way or another.

And, you'll be here again, frustrated. Frustrated because in a relationship, you can't force someone to care about these types of things. If she doesn't feel urged to give a shit about the way you feel - and it's not obvious - you just need to figure out if it's worth it.

But at your age it's probably not BELIEVE me.

Renegade

As I was searching for 03CLSpunisher threads tonight I looked back at some of my old girlfriend threads that were absolutely pathetic now that I've gotten myself on track again. I look back at amisconceptions advice and I didnt realize it at the time, but it was the best advice I've ever heard and completely true. In this case, what he just said is 100% true and amazing advice. Everything he said in this post is just so dead on, you need to understand what he is saying, because if she doesn't care about how you feel she won't change no matter how hard you push it.

ZeroCL

I've always been kind of jealous but it never affected her much. Every once in a while her friends would want to go out with her and I would make a stupid comment but she'd always ditch them if I was with her. Which I dont believe I was in the wrong for cause I didnt really encourage her to ditch them. (Her friendship wasnt that strong with them) But whatever, and during the year it wasnt really like this, just when she started going out more. But you're right, i need to stop trippin'. Trust me, I know I really plan on stopping that. And a note: I have talked to her about if she says she'll call, i expect a call. and I guess she understands that now. But i dont know.

As far as her making me jealous, that doesnt really happen just if she goes to a party where I KNOW guys are there that do like her but she has told me before that she has no interest in them. Thats where I find myself debating whether or not to trust her. But I'm sticking to it, I plan on trusting her or things definately arent going to work. Especially with us going to 2 different colleges. It will be interesting to see how things work out. I hope for the best. I really need to let my guard down for the most part to allow this to work and I understand that.

I guess I need to change my outlook on things. For some reason if I dont have anything to do I end up thinking about things WAY too much and go into possible things that are happening and making up shit that never happened.

But that's all clearly my fault. I got off the phone with her a couple of hours ago after apologizing for flipping(a lot of shit built that up today and I finally lost it) But I apologized and admitted I was wrong, blah blah...she said she'd call later so she just called and everything seemed fine. And we're still on for tomorrow (13 month anniv) We always do something special or atleast go out to eat every month, but tomorrow we're going to the Melting Pot and plan on getting all dressed up for the night so I guess we'll see how things go. I plan on getting a dozen roses for her as well just to make up for tonight.

(If anyone read this, i praise you..sorry it was so long!)

ZeroCL

Yeah I understand that. I really do care for her, and I believe she really cares for me. Just sometimes it's awkward and she's just that kind of girl. I really wish she would do things differently but I guess I cant change who someone is, so i understand I have to evaluate whether I like her the way she is or leave it. I know I know, im 17 (18 on july 16th) so of course you guys are all probably like are you serious? but whatever im not oblivious to the fact that she probably wont be the girl I marry or any of that but I really enjoy when we hang out so I plan on staying with her as long as I can.

MikeCLS6

Your young, your emotions run high.....calm down and take a breather

Mike 350Z

I remember what it was like being 17-18. Just try to step back, take a look at the big picture and calm down a bit. Plus pretty soon you'll be old and jaded and won't really care if she calls or not because you actually have better things to do than worry about if the phone rings or not.

Python2121

That whole "I'll call you later" and then don't gets to me. Either call and tell me you are busy, or don't tell me you are going to call. Seems like such a game to me.

Python2121

And it seems like you want to trust her but can't really. Why can't you? She is a 17 y/o girl, 'nuff said. I wouldn't get too caught up in it though, if you trust her and she breaks your trust, she wasn't a keeper to being with. You need to just relax and enjoy life, with or without her doesn't really matter its not that big of a deal.

joerockt

Only time and growing up will help this attitude. Dont you have friends you hang with when she's not around? Or are you one of those guys that blows off your friends for your bitch?

slobeatz

[QUOTE=joerockt]Only time and growing up will help this attitude.QUOTE]



I used to be like that a little. Eventually, you just learn that it's not worth it.

Scottman111

How far apart will you be when you both go to different colleges?

eve

I agree. If she doesn't call, don't take it as a sign that she doesn't want to talk to you. Just get over it. There is nothing worse than calling her to find out what happened (one of those "why didn't you call?" conversations... hate 'em).


As far as jealousy goes, don't be jealous. Jealousy in moderation is healthy but overdoing it will not lead to anything good and it WILL destroy your relationship. If you think there might be an issue, talk to her about it, let her know what makes you feel uncomfortable and, hopefully, she'll understand.

ZeroCL

Everything chilled down and everything was fine. We plan on breaking up for college or having an open relationship type deal. Everything was going fine, had a great dinner at The Melting Pot. She's supposed to come with me on vaca on the 22nd but as of yesterday she was told that she has Mono. So basically she's really contagious and not feeling good at all. I feel really bad for her and I wish I could see her but I dont want to catch it. That shit doesnt end til like 4-6weeks so I doubt she can still even come on vaca since she has like a week to get better. BLAH. I'm pissed.

SuperTrooper169

iTrader: (2)

Okay, I actually have a lot to say about this since I was exactly like you when I was your age (making myself feel old now!). The one thing in my life that I could never control my was jealousy. It's easy for everyone to say stop tripping and just chill out, but to actually do it is another story. Sometimes jealousy runs deeper than just an emotion you exhibit because you don't trust someone. It usually comes down to identifying what makes you not trust someone and then you can subsequently deal with the jealous reaction. Again, I had the same feelings as you do, sitting around stressing myself out all night waiting for a phone call from a girlfriend that would tend to play games or put up a wall and either never call or call way later than expected.

For me it took going to a psychologist to figure out why I couldn't trust my girlfriend even if there was no proof of her cheating or even signs that she would. For me it all was a root problem from the way I was raised. My parents tended to raise my siblings and myself more like a business than a family. I was expected to be a good employee instead of a good son and just like they say never get too personal with an employee, that's how my parents were, no hugs, no I love you, no positive reinforcement. So when it came down to it, since I never believed my parents truly loved me, then how could I possibly believe that a girlfriend saying I love you meant she really loved me? Why would I believe that if given the chance she wouldn't cheat on me? Or why would I believe that she didn't have some kind of sexual feelings for a guy friend. See where I'm going with this?

So I'm not saying you don't trust girls because you didn't get love from your parents or who ever your parental figures were, but maybe somewhere along the way something happened where you didn't feel loved or trusted yourself or didn't trust a very close friend and now it's affecting you subconsciously.

Anyway, that's what it took for me to identify what was making me not trust my girlfriend at the time. And once I realized that, I was able to control my reaction to things that in the past would make me jealous and start making things up in my head. Things in my life completely changed after that realization. I was super calm all the time, I had more confidence in myself and the craziest part of all is that I became the laid back one and she became the jealous one. Yeah, pretty crazy shit. My psychologist (who was amazing) actually warned me about this weird reaction that couples have where the rolls change and things completely flip, and it was totally true. I was the one that would get jealous over almost nothing and all the sudden I was the one getting the jealous reaction from her. I used to be the one to get all fired up and start the fights but I became the calm one, never yelling, just telling her to calm down and breath, which would make her even more jealous and fired up. It was nuts.

So anyway, that's my long winded experience. I was in my early 20's when this all went down (now 30), and it turned out that girl wasn't right for me anyway, but it helped me realize for future relationships how to avoid getting jealous and helped me filter out girls who tend to play games and give you reasons to feel jealous. Now I'm in a really trusting relationship (almost two years together and not one fight over jealousy, not even a small fight, nothing) and she calls me when she's out, I never worry about her finding "someone better" and we have a lot of mutual respect for each other. No more yelling matches or bitter nights of the silent treatment.

You're 17 and you seem like you have it figured out that she's just a girlfriend now and when you go to school you'll probably find someone new, but just try to identify what makes you not trust, not just a girlfriend, but just people in your life, and I promise you'll find yourself much happier. Hope this helps.

ZeroCL

Thanks for all of that advice. It was pretty helpful and thanks to everyone that chimed in. And to add to the jealousy thing, a lil part I didnt mention is that we broke up about 2 months ago and than got back together 2 weeks or so later. The reason why...we got bored of each other. Some guys showed some interest in her, and I started talking to this one girl. The only difference was, i didnt leave her for the other girl, she left me for the other guy right before I was going to leave her. She went to prom with me because my prom was like the next week, but she took the other kid to her prom because he already asked her and he went to her school. He ended up fucking her over and ditching her for his friends and completely left her at her senior prom. She ended up calling me telling me i was right. After she realized all of this she realized how well I treated her and came back so i gave her another chance.
When she was younger she was the kind of girl that everyone kind of just ignored (had a big gap in her teeth, glasses, kind of dorky, and VERY shy) A lot has changed now and she has developed into a very beautiful girl. She's getting attention from other guys and getting side-tracked by the sudden attention that she finds herself forgetting about me. I've told her repeatedidly that she needs to grow up and that this isnt middle school anymore. So hopefully she realizes what she has done and said "I dont know how I can hurt someone I love and I'm sorry" so hopefully she meant that. I think we arent dating in college and if so just having an open relationship where both parties are entirely honest with each other but still allowed to 'talk' to other people. Not sure how I feel about that. One side of me says..awesome, i get a chance to get with a bunch of girls, the other side is saying, fuck, she's going to have the chance to get with a bunch of guys. I dont want to date a girl that's been all whored out. So i hope shes able to hold some respect for herself. But I guess we'll see how that goes.

If anyone read that, please give me your thoughts. Thanks!

Renegade

Woah Woah Woah, my advice even if it doesn't mean much, you aren't the type where an open relationship would work. It would increase your JEALOUSY by a thousand fold and you will be thinking every second if shes fucking someone else or not.

ZeroCL

yeah, i figured. so what should i do, end the relationship for college, and date when we're home or what? I still want her to be honest though.

ZeroCL

4hrs. Ill be in southern Pennsylvania, she'll be in the northern center of PA.

I also play football so the entire season i'll be too busy to go up there.

ZeroCL

Most of my friends already left for college. The rest are those kind of people that are 2-faced and cool until you're around other people. Im usually working, with my girlfriend, or sleeping.

amisconception

If you can handle the fact that she's going to be getting dick from another man, then by all means have fun with the situation. But, don't be so quick to call her a whore. You're projecting your insecurities. She's not a whore if she finds you unattractive, boring, old, etc. and is out just finding new and more interesting pastures. She's just laying you down as gently as she can. At the moment, she holds all the power so recognize that you're the one that's going to have to deal with the emotional backlash of not being the dominant party.

If you were the dominant party she would be trying to lock you down while preventing you from meeting/dating/banging other girls... that's obviously not the case and it's evident by the fact that she's entertaining the idea of shacking up with other guys.

And judging from your emotionally charged outburts, you're not capable of dealing with that right now anyway. And, you don't have to.

Regardless, you're young and college is a great place to meet new girls.

The hardest part about this situation for you is dealing with your own emotions... Realize that this girl is all but gone from you life - if not "technically", definitely emotionally. Your challenge will be growing the balls to leave this situation with a lesson learned... You've already developed a bitter resentment toward her simply because she's not very interested in you anymore.

Good luck though.

ZeroCL

Hmm..maybe I worded it wrong but she's interested in me. I'm guessing you pulled that from when I said she was 'forgetting' about me. Maybe that was the wrong word to use. Once we started going back out everythings been fine. I was describing the situation earlier on when we originally broke up. She still shows a lot of interest in me and everything has seemed to be fine. I've become a lot more chill and no longer call/text her as much. I wait for her to do such first before I do anything. And even than I wait a lil even though I saw it the second it was sent. That way it doesnt come off as being 'right there.' She just got mono too so that makes things even worse because she'll probably still be sick by the time I go off to school and she was supposed to come on vacation with me. Oh well, I hope she gets better before I leave for school.

Thanks for your advice either way.

amisconception

Well then it seems like your attitude is in the right direction. Putting your emotions in check is a powerful thing and you seem to be doing that better.

All I can say is that if/when you do break up once college starts, don't get your hopes up on this being a magical fairy tale where everything ends up happily ever after.

Obviously you know the course this is heading... You know you're going to have an "open" relationship when you're both in college, but isn't that just prolonging the inevitable?

I would bet that you'll both grow apart and the "open" part of your relationship will seem like more of a cumbersome obligation than an honest communication. Besides, your jealousy is only going to compound 10 fold unless you're messing around with other girls (which you should). But that begs the question... What would be the point of this complicated mess?

ZeroCL

Because simply after all the running around comes to an end and the random hook ups are done with in which personality doesnt matter and none of that seems to prevent whether you have sex with them or not, I know what kind of person she truely is and we have always had fun when we're together. (Just a note, she lives 30-45 mins away right now. So i never got to see her much during high school. So i wasnt one of the guys that is ALWAYS with their girlfriend no matter what.) But they way this all looks I think we're going to just continue with the break up before college, that way no matter what happens, its hard to be mad if you're not going out with the person. Or atleast thats how we're looking at it. But after we get sick of all the running around I can see us getting back together and realize what we have or could have. (Her school is a branch school. The main campus is closer to home, closer to me, closer to her mom, they have a tight relationship and they're going to be 3hrs away. I can see her going to the main campus eventually simply so she'll be closer to home) So i dont know, maybe the running around will open my eyes and I'll find someone new or she will and none of that will work out. But right now all I can say is, I guess we'll see how it turns out. I have also opened up to the quote "Everything happens for a reason" and find myself standing behind that now.

Scottman111

Breaking it off before college is the best thing you can do. Don't waste your college years on just one girl. You will regret it the rest of your life. And there might be a chance for you two after you're done with school, who knows.


Listen to every word amisconception is telling you. The man's a genius.


Good luck dude.

ZeroCL

Just an update: She doesnt have mono, instead they found it to be tonselitis(sp?). So instead of her being sick for 4-6weeks its 10 days instead. Which isnt bad but things arent looking good as far as her coming on vacation. We leave the 22nd so she has like 9 days to recover but I guess we'll see how it goes. Blahh, she had to be taken to the ER, I was pretty damn worried. (last year she had to go to the ER for the same thing but had a 104.6 degree temp.

lilghettoboi

tell her never to talk to any guys, then delete all of them on her phone when she's not looking.

jzbabimama

i think you should just start trying to trust her. i mean try to sit and think about what you say before you say it. without trust, it won't work. if she hasn't given you a reason not to trust her, then there is no reason to treat her that. you don't want to ruin a good thing. i know what it feels like not to trust someone for stuff they have done and its a horrible feeling because you can't move forward from that point. if she really means something to you, then just let it go and apologize and start over. good luck.

CorvettePoor

Being jealous and possessive are signs of insecurity on your part. Lots of men are insucure about their relationships and don't know that they are or would never admit to it...

invisiblewar

This has happened to me before except my ex told me that it was just a get together for her friends brothers birthday. I calle her up later that night and shes dancing and what not. then the next day i found out that she had a drink. the part that pissed me off was that I got about five texts from her begging me not to go out and drink because i was out with my best friend and she told me that the whole birthday thing wasnt going to be a party

Scottman111

Soooo because she wasn't drinking, you weren't allowed to?







Don't put up with stupid shit like that

Python2121

^^ werd, wtf is she your mother?

RaviNJCLs

iTrader: (4)

So, the good thing is that you know what the problem here is. You need to find a way to be less jeolous.

Most people are in some way jeolous. Some more excessive that others. I think that a lot has to do with your insecurities. But also, some has to do with whether or not the other person is giving you reasons for your insecurity.

In your case, I think that you would be better off relaxing more and you need to work on improving your self confidence. Until you do that, this will be a problem.

And as bad as this is to hear, I think you both need to have a clean break when she heads off to college. Because if you hear that she is even on a date with some guy, to you that's like banging the entire football team. When you tend to be really jeolous any act is usually blown out of proportion.

Go into your next relationship with a more carefree attitude.

invisiblewar

yea things went down hill really fast after that..like extremely fast

amisconception

Jealousy and insecurity are normal for most people. It's how you deal with them that makes a world of a difference.