My boyfriend and I are having major problems and I don’t know what to do. We have been together for 1 ½ years, and before that we’ve known each other since the 4th grade! Well, I recently graduated with my four year business degree and I wanted to do something with my life. Some of my family lives in CA and I’ve always planned on moving to CA after graduation. Well, I met him before graduation and told him of my plans and he decided to come with me.

Right before we left, he lost his license and he still decided to move without a car or license. Since we moved, he has been miserable and mean to me. So here we are a year later, he asked me to marry him on March 16, 2005 and I said YES!! So I started planning the wedding, obviously, I mean what else are you suppose to do after you get engaged!!??!! I kept bringing up several ideas and he always agreed. I picked the date of July 15, 2006 and he agreed. And yes weddings are expensive, DUH!!! Almost all of our family is from out of state, so yes it would be expensive for them too, I’ve thought about all of this.

Well, he eventually got freaked out about the money expense and wanted to postpone the wedding for another 2 or 3 years!!!! To me, I took that as an insult and I called off the engagement, and I told him that when he is ready and thinks we are ready, he could re-ask me. To me, you should not be asking someone to marry you if you are not ready to do it. So I no longer wear my engagement ring, but he still wears a ring on his ring finger.

He gets his license back FINALLY in a couple of weeks. And his family is driving his car here for him. I’m hoping that getting his license back will cheer him up and maybe he will start treating me better. He may be able to get a better job also, so that may be positive. He has been the most negative person in the whole world and has been very hard to be around, I still love him, but he makes me feel bad all the time. When we we’re back home, he was the sweetest guy to me. He made me feel like a princess everyday, and now it feel like we are EXISTING. There is a definite connection between us, I just don’t think he is in-love anymore and a whole year of him being mean to me has made me fall out of love. I don’t know what to do, he gave up his life to move out here with me and I’ve told him time and time again to “GO HOME” and yet he stays.

His sister is about to have a baby in August and she lives here in CA. So he gets his license back in July and his sister is having a baby in August. Should I stay with him and see if things get better? I do want him to meet his new niece also before he leaves, but I don’t know how much more I can take.

 

He's taking his frustrations about his current circumstance out on you, and is feeling inadequate to the challenge of being your fiancee and, shortly, husband. He has some things to be upset about, but taking that out on one's significant other is definitely lame. I'd look carefully at that as a behavior pattern, even if things get better. No reason to lock yourself into an emotionally strained relationship at your age (or any age, for that matter). And don't fall for the idea that getting married will "improve his mood".

When he suggested waiting a few years, he may be struggling with the hope that he can redress his financial balance of things over that time, or it may be his way of expressing his hesitancy about the relationship itself. I'd take it as a sign to cool your jets, let time play out awhile and see whether this relationship has ADULT legs to it.

 

When you get married you are supposed to get a husband, not a son.

 

AZ must have more of a reputation for being a good relationship advice forum than a car forum

 

We've had a small influx of people who mainly post in D+R.

 

no truer words have ever been said. but I have to ask... if he treated you like crap for a year, why did you say "yes" when he asked you to marry him? did you think that you could "fix" him in the future? Honey, you are being abused psychologically, and need to get out of that relationship. Now that he sees that he can hurt you with no reprocussions (even if he is not conscious of doing so) then he will continue doing so. Sorry, this one already got away.

 

Give it a little more time, 18 months have ben invested in this, alttle bit more time can't hurt.

 

My believe its current Acurazine members signing up for a new name, as they dont want to be seen having relationship problems but want advice.


Come on what the chances of coming here for advice out of no where lol

 

People talk I mean we're the one stop shop for everything: You can have your door rattles figured out while having your tranny serviced, read the news, get food and drink ideas, room and board suggestions, travel tips, financial matters can be covered, as well as a struggling relationship, and package all that up with a great deal of helpfu people and comedy acts, and we have one large awesome facility (in theory)

 

if he's being mean to you now, it wont change. you want to move forward, he is miserable. he makes you feel bad, and you said you dont think he is in love anymore.

you tell him to go home and he doesnt

he's comfortable and knows you wont leave him-you tell him to leave, but mentioned nothing about you leaving him.
your naming all the bad things-but what really keeps you from leaving him?? what is so good about him? you have to weigh the pros and cons.

if you left him, you'll know right away if he cares cause he'll try to resolve things

 

So uhm, cliffnotes might help you get more responses you know? So your saying that since he lost his license, but he was too stupid to get another one? And you said that he moved w/o a license, and w/o a car, but yet, his family is bringing HIS car for him...? That makes a lot of sense. Flamesuits on, fire away people!!

 

fuck him...

i'm sure CA has a lot of guys that will give you more.

ya, i also think he's venting his fustrations out on you, which isn't cool. he's a baby. buy him some diapers as a going away present...

 

I think it was due to a legal problem since he hasn't had his license for a year and will be getting it back shortly.

 

if you fell out of love with him, then I don't understand the question?? If you are in love with him, then give it some time...if not, move on. Pretty simple if you ask me.

 

Left shoulder, head, right shoulder... don't you have ANY drama to contribute?
I mean, she posted a whole essay, and the answer is two sentences?

I probably just don't understand D&R.

 

He's a loser, proven time and again.

Time to move on. There are good guys in CA .

Mike

 

gradually being phased out by the dope fiends, wife beaters, ass bags, domestic driving poopie brains, skirt wearing, cock monkeys that make up most of the population

 

Note that by reading your story, we don't truly know him. We can only give you our opinion but it's really your judgement on how you would proceed in your relationship. IMO, I think he's unhappy, and when a person is unhappy, then tend to treat the closest person around badly (until he realizes what he's doing to you). I would suggest you bring this issue up to him, tell that kid to get a job, be happy. Or you'll leave his ass and ship him back to his original state.

 

sounds like he's just in a rut






and cancel the wedding planning and run off to vegas like we did. That's the exact reason we did it. It just got way to stressfull on us and that's the last thing a relationship needs.

 

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate it. I'm in a tough situation and every bit helps. I do love him very much. I've known him for almost 15 years and he is my best friend. A lot of this has to do with my religous father, whom almost disowned me for living with him before marriage!! But he is opening up to the idea. So yes there has been pressure on the marriage thing. But my boyfriend is confused, because not only is he 1500 miles away from friends, he also has a 6 year old daughter back home. But even when we were back home, he hardly ever got to see his daughter. So he is very homesick. He calls her every week and sees her on the computer. But I know he is trying his hardest. The reason he lost his license is for a DUI #2, and for the second one, you loose it for a year. So he gets it back the middle of July and then he will try to get a better job, he does have a job right now, he rides his bike up to the mall every day and does managment up at the mall. I know he is trying, but he is just so unhappy sometimes and happy. It's a rollercoaster. Most of the time, it seems he is unhappy and I just don't know what to do. I could move back home, but to me, this is home. I've been in CA off and on for the last 12-13 years. I have a father out here that I'm trying to get to know and 2 sisters that need me. He has his sister and her husband and in the next 3 years, his parent will be living in Vegas. But with a four year business degree there are absolutely no opportunities for me back there. Yes it is WAY cheaper, but hard to get business experience. Out here I have a chance to go work for Toyota where my father is a supervisor. That wont happen till like October. But I am just gonna try and be patient and understanding and as positive as I can, cuz him and I are stuggling. But if I show and negativity at all, it's the end of the world. So I am taking it day by day, it's just hard you know dealing with a negative person. And at the same time it's hard being at my age where everyone you know is getting married and having babies and buying houses and new cars. And it always seems like everyone else and their family have it together, and my family is so disfunctional. I've pretty much been on my own since I was born and I've spent my entire life being happy for other people, when is it my turn? Maybe cuz I never really had a family, I want one of my own so bad. I was adopted at the age of 1 month and never met my father until I was 12 and I put myself through school and college and now I feel like I deserve this chance to be in an area with opportunities. I dont know, I think I am way more grown up then my significant other and sometimes it's hard to relate. But thank you everyone who has responded!!!

 

run.

dump immediately, cancel wedding, run, change your number, kick him out and never speak to him again.

severe loser. The unhappiness/ups & downs is because he's an alcoholic. avoid at all cost as he will only drag you down.

 

DO NOT marry this guy now. Wait at least 2 years. He isn't ready, you aren't ready (don't seem to be anyway) If you can help him grow up you may have a chance at a real marriage. Otherwise you'll repeat this scenario every time he has a problem over and over and finally get tired of it and leave. You have to be really really open and honest with him, no matter how brutal you think it is. He has to understand that life ain't fair and his happiness depends on HIM! and no one else. Until that sinks in you guys won't make it...

just MHO....

 

Whoa... DUI and has baggage??? (6 year old kid?) Not worth all the trouble and heartache girl, especially since you have so much going for yourself. If I were in your situation I would break it off and just be friends for right now. It sounds like this guy needs to grow up and take care of a few things in his life before he can commit to anyone. I know the fact that knowing him for so long is going to make it hard on you, but trust me its probably for the best.

Just focus on yourself and your career, your relationship with him can wait, you can also use the time alone to focus on what you really want. Good luck!

 

Thank you for your advice, it is a lot more difficult than it seems though. We moved to CA together and we are best friends. Neither one of us makes enough to be on our own out here. I wish him and I could get our own apartments and try doing the old fashioned dating, but its tough you know. I'm just trying to be patient and understanding, most problems work themselves out. And if it is meant to be, it will. There is a reason for us both being here, one day we will know. And everyone makes mistakes and especially in our old state, it was easy to get a DUI. There was nothing else to do but go to the bars!!!! Out here it is a completely different lifestyle. We hardly drink, it's too expensive!! LOL

 

Well since both of you cannot make it finacially on your own, that may be why he's also frustraited. Since it seems his only options would be that he would either leave you hanging with the rent and move back home or continue to stay in the rut that you two are currently in.

Don't take this the wrong way, but I think both of you are currently happy being miserable. There are other ways to "make it" on your own in Cali if you guys happen to break up. Renting a room from somebody is definately cheaper than having your own place or you can also suck it up and live with family/friends. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to pursue your dream, however I don't see it happening if you stick with this guy.

 

I am a simple, black and white person...she said she fell out of love with him..end of story. What, are you going to try to make a happy life with someone you don't love?? what the hell is that about?

 

No, prescribe a complicated solution to an impossible problem.
It's more fun that way. Your way is too simple, black and white.

Reading her latest posts, it's pretty obvious that the answer is to not try to solve the problem, but to leave it.

 

Of course its easy to get a DUI, just get behind the wheel of a car drunk. Its also just as easy NOT to get a DUI, DONT get behind the wheel of a car drunk.

People drive home tipsy, but he must have been obviously drunk, not once, but twice in order to have a cop pull him over. And usually people learn from their mistakes.

Dont excuse his behavior. its a big red flag.

 

Obviously a case of 2 people with a bad future. Life isn't all that difficult to figure out. Happiness is also not that hard to figure out. Everyone in life pretty much knows what will make them happy and what makes them unhappy. The hard part is having the courage to leave the situations that make you unhappy and go toward things that make you happy. There are always a million reasons why it's difficult to do something.

Bad jobs - need the money now, can't afford to move, don't have the education for a better job, i hate the work but it pays well, etc.
Bad relationships - I've known him for a long time, he needs me, she is pregnant with my baby, he beats me up but I know he really loves me, etc.

Most people really would rather live with the monster they know rather than face the unknown. It takes courage and self-confidence to go down the road that is unknown but has a better future.

I'd recommend having a "time apart" period where he moves out, you do your thing, and have time to reassess things. You will not have the room and time to really figure it out if he is around constantly. You'll know in a month or so if it's meant to be or not.

 

Thank you for your comments, but we are NOT 2 people with a bad future. I think we would have a fabulous future if he would just grow up a little. We are not affraid to work. In fact I just finish my 4 year business degree last may and relocation from a state 1500 miles away is not easy. We have been out here in Cali for a year now and we are still adjusting to it. It is like 5 times more expensive than anywhere on earth. And the only family we have out here is my rich snobby dad that i've only known for 12 years and my 2 snobby sisters. Which my father is very unsupportive, ha i guess he has been like that my whole life. And his sister who lives 80 miles away. The only way that we could take "Time apart" is if we each got a room to rent for$400-$500/month and that is deffinately not something smart to do. The only reason he is here is to be with me and live my dream. I moved down here for more "opportunities" and to get to know my father that I've never known. The place we came from has absolutely no job opportunities, so dont tell me about work. I've been working my ass off to make this shit work. I'm the one who got the job and apartment going and he is only here to support me and cheer me on. I'm slowly trying to get into the corporate world and he is only here to help. I just want some advice on how to deal with an immature male with a daughter back home. And why do men ask women to marry them and then change their minds about a bunch of stupid shit but still want to be with them? Everyone back home said "You move together, you stick together" And that is our only option. Neither one of us has any friends out here so that makes it even harder, but at least we have each other. Maybe that is why I came on this stupid web site, I just need to vent a little and for someone to hear me and respond, because the only other human contact is my father and I am beginning to really dislike talking to him, he just tries to make things harder for us.

I see the way he treats my sisters and it makes me want to puke. Everything they could possibly want, they get and here we are starving and suffering. I put myself through 4 years of college and they will probably get theirs paid. I moved down here to get to know him and I hate him, I can't stand being around him and my two sisters cuz all they do is fight cuz they are unthankful little bitches and my father has no right giving me religous speeches when him and those 2 girls are so ungrateful. He is upset because I moved down here with someone else and am not living with him taking care of his life and kids, well I am 25 years old and I have a life of my own and he is upset that I'm not married and we are living together. Well Mr. Religion, when he was married to my mother, marriage did not stop him from sleeping around. MEN!!! I hate them all!!!! Thank you everyone for letting me vent.

 

Why did you come here for advice then if you just wanted to convince yourself that everything is ok?

 

You are pretty young to be so negative. Please believe that all men are not the way you describe, you are generalizing and that leads only to unhappiness and trouble. Sounds to me like you made a decision to get to know your father and it hasn't worked out as you had hoped. That is sad but happens all too often. I hope your BF problem works out, but with the attitude you are displaying, it won't.

 

It looks like you have it pretty rough. But you are definitely wrong on a major account. You say you want your immature bf to grow up and everything will be fine. That's classic woman mistake #1. Trying to change your man, waiting for your man to change, hoping your man will change, wishing your man will change. Ain't gonna happen. It may happen on his own but there is nothing you can do to make him change, only let him know what you are feeling and then he has to make the choices to change.

Also, don't kid yourself that you won't start to feel resentful that he's not pulling his weight around the house. If you're making the money and he's mooching off, it's only a matter of time until you resent him for it. Worse, he will resent you for it. No man wants to be made to feel like a biatch, and most men have tough time dealing with his woman making more money and telling him what to do with his life.

As you know, life is tough sometimes, but my advice was that it doesn't need to be. You are making a situation tougher than it is because you are refusing to see a few points of reality and accept it. Life is easy if you remember this one thing, the only thing you have control over in life is you, your attitude, your actions, your reactions, and what you do given a choice. The rest of it is outside your control. The way your dad acts, the way your bf acts, etc. The longer you try to change things outside your control or deny the fact that they are outside your control, longer your frustration will last.

 

I couldn't have said it better. Once I stopped expecting shit from anyone but myself, only then was I able to take care of what I got to do. Meaning right now I support myself without the help of daddy or some guy. You can't be expectent of other to pull through because if you do, you're going to be in for one huge dissappointment.

 

Well, if you want to be negative and all, you can leave by any means. And if he is here for support, then by all means, have his broke ass get a J O B so he CAN SUPPORT you in more ways then one. Ever thought about that? And like how other people said, you trying to change him, like thats gonna happen. Old habits die hard, if he is gonna change, he gonna do it himself. If not, then thats your own damn fault for puttin up with his immature shit. If there is not a possible chance about him changing his immature habits, especially having a daughter, then he is SOL. The day he realizes he has a child to take care of in this world, and that he needs to be responsible, then he'll change. But dont come cryin on here, havin people tell you its gonna change. We're not the Oxygen Channel, this is Acurazine.

 

You are all misunderstanding the situation here, not like I really expect you to understand it, because you are not in my shoes, but he has a JOB and is not mooching. And we will get married once all our debt is paid off, I'm totally not trying to change him. He gets his license back in 1-2 weeks depending upon if he can find a cheap car insurance place, and then it's up to him whether or not he wants to find a better paying job. You cannot do much without a license in Cali. He moved down here on his own will. I told him my plans before we even started dating. It's completly up to him on whatever he wants to do, if he wants to move back, he can leave anytime. I'm currently trying to find a better paying job and I know I will. Things are just really tough right now. You can take anyone out of their home state and move them to this jungle and they will feel the same way. And the "dad" thing, well my father promised me a whole bunch of things and now he is not pulling through with any of it. I dont think he actually thought I would move here. I'm starting not to like him very much and some day he may actually want to be a part of my life and it may be too late. And I'm not relying on my father for anything, maybe just a little emotional support (compassion?) since I'm being encountered with some major health issues and all he can do is think of himself. It's sick. But oh well, God intended me to live my life chasing after my unknown father. But I always say, there is a reason for everthing and the positive side to this is that I am certainly learning something from all of this. And my bf is not the lesson I'm learning, I am just upset that he asked me to marry him and then changed everything, I think any woman would be upset. I feel I have the right to be upset over that. And he should feel lucky (which he does because he tells me all the time) that I still want to be with him. My BF is a better man then my father will ever be. He has provided more emotional support to me in the past 2 years in fact I've known my BF longer then my own father LOL!!! So, time will tell.

 

You are starting to sound like one of those girls that doesn't want to look for better because you don't think you can. Of course your boyfriend is happy that you still want to be with your ass even though he doesn't want to marry you, that pretty much means he can get away with anything and walk all over you. IMO your boyfriend sounds like a complete loser, a crappy job, no license or insurance and has a kid that hopefully he is somewhat supporting. You just need to know your own self worth, you have a freaking buisness degree and what it sounds like to is is that you've settled for less, you can do way better than this guy, does he have to offer you except some emotional support? He's got way too much bagage, I hope you eventually realize that, good luck.

 

^ you obviously seemed fairly convinced and committed to your boyfriend. It's understandable since you've known each other for over 15 years. However, there are some good advice here too. We can only advice you, nothing more. so I hope you two can sort things out in the near future and hope for the best.

If it was up to me, I would not get married anytime soon. Stability in a marriage is very important. A man needs a stable job (I'm not talking about huge salary) but as long as a man tries hard and can provide food for his family; he's a good man. Best of luck to you and let us know how things turn out in the future.

 

In times of need, it's nice to have people to support you. And it seems he is your only support right now which makes it hard to boot your only crutch. But it still seems like you're using him for a crutch and crutches are meant to be temporary until the legs heal.

 

I refer to my comments from some moments ago.

and what is this crap about hardly knowing your father, or onyl knowing him for 12 years? How long have you known your boyfriend? not 12 years, i have to assume. If you want to get to know him, get to know him. If not, then don't. But either do it or not, just quit using it as an excuse for anything.

and you said several times in your previous post that your boyfriend is "only here to help" or "here to help live my dream". Sounds like he isn't helping all that much, so dump his loser ass and get on with your life, dammit.