Lately things have been a little strung in the family and I have been feeling a little dazed... I know I am to blame for some of it. I have been trying to clear things up but find myself shorted all the while.. so just wanted to get a 3rd party view of where things are headed.. To give you an idea let me start at the very beginning

I first met her when we were 15. At that time we were just friends. Over the next year nothing happens, however slowly I start liking her and grow a crush one her. But at that time she was seeing another guy so I didn't make any move. We are just friends. year after that she breaks off with the guy and then after about 2 months, I hook up with her. At that time We were about 17 then. @ that time she makes it clear that she is on a rebound and doesn't want to get too serious. So we take it nice and slow and eventually we connect and she feels that we are meant to be. After while I move to another state for studies so we continue a some what long distance relationship for next 3 years. I usually came home atleast once a month so it is not that it was totally long distance. @ this point we are both very faithfull to each other and happy that we have been together for over 5 years. We are typicall couple who like to share every moment when we are in the same town, talk hours over the phone, share every event of the day, etc.... Then our life starts to change and things go south. She meets a new guy at her college and feels like she is more connected to him as he is more of a sentimental. So one month when I come to my hometown on one of my monthly visits I find that she is out dating him. I try to reason it with her that although she is not sleeping around I consider it to be unfaithful that she has been hidding it that she is dating this other guy. I openly offer that if she needs to break up with me then she is free to do so, but by my standards she should be fishing in the sea when she is still hooked up with me. I decide that I would give her some time to re-evaluate and say that I am not gonna see her next month and would be back in 2 months to see what see decided. At this point I am hopeful that she will mend her ways, and the glitch in our relations will improve or she will go say the other way and I will know that it was never meant to be.... Believe me @ those 2 months were the most nerve racking days up untill my then adult life. During those 2 months I try to have minimal contact with her so that she has enough space to think. basically we are talked about 3 - 4 times over a 6 week period vs typical every other day calls. So after about 8 weeks she says she has realised that she doesn't want to be with the other guy, but would rather stay with me. However she wants me to help her "erase" the memories of the short fling. So I am all elated and happy and say I will be seeing her in a week. Now that I am so happy I decided to show up early by 2 days only to walk to her to find her "walking back home, hand in hand, from a date with the other guy" <an image I can't shake of from my mind even till date, i.e 9 years>. So basically I lose my cool then. but she tries to explain that she wasn't on a date, rather she was meeting the other guys to explain to him that there is nothing between them and he shouldn't take it otherwise.

At this point I am too angry on the fact that the GF of 5+ yrs it cheating on me behind my back. Now every one @ my college knows that I am dedicated to my girl @ home, and I never had the guts to discuss the things that was happening in my life so I basically have no one to talk to. I basically break down and start on drinking and stuff. I kinda lose it. After 2 months enter a new girl in my life (platonic friend) in the other city where I study who, picks me up and puts me together. Till date I believe she was God sent angel because she gave some real good advise and for the first time I had another shoulder to lean on and not worry about being judged. She really helped me string my life together. So for the next 6 or so months go by like this. After college I get a job and move to another city and then my GF comes back to me begging that I forgive her and we get back together... I am not convinced and I give her a hardtime, She really goes the whole yard trying to convince me to she had a lapse of judgement and made some mistakes and now she wants us to build back our life together... Seeing that she has been trying for over 6 months now and that it has been over a year since the "episode of lapse of judgement" and that I am still crazy about her we get back together.

A year & half after that we get married @ 25. First 2-3 years go fine then we decide that its time to take the family to next level so we have 2 beautiful kids. Now we are married for the last 6 years, however since last year, our closeness has kind off reduced. We seem to argue a lot, mostly over silly things or about things in past that have no resolution. Lately I feel I am too disconnected from her, I see her thinking something, but when I ask her whats up see says she doesn't want to share, etc...Lately I have been trying to please her, but see knows my pinch points turn the whole thing offs me and that leaves me wondering what to do. She comes back and tell me that she had tried very hard in the past to win me back and I gave her a hard time. Now that I need to make effort she want me put A LOT of effort so that she can see that I still love her. The problem is I want to past behind and think about it because every time I think about that I remember what she did to me and get very upset. Although we have discussed numerous time that we should talk about past, she always brings it up and now has started spining it that why I let the other girl help me, and has been questing may be I had a feeling for her.

So bottom line is, I resent her attitude towards the family as of now, but i still love her and want things to work, Now keep in ming that she has been home (i.e out of work) for last 2.5 years and then with 2 kids on hand she has to deal with a lot of stress. Due to my job I haven't been able to help as much as i would like. On top of that we have had some family issues caused by my family which I take full blame for, but she has never forgiven me for. I feel she is resentfull full towards me due to several reasons, lack of adult talk time, stressfull kids, plus finacial problems we are having, lack of me meeting my commitments in past year of giving family time, etc. Please tell me this is the reason and we aren't having our 7 year itch to grow apart...



Ok time for cliff notes
Known my SO for 16+ years,
9 years back had a sorta breakup for 1 year. <one of the worst year for me>
Married for over 6 years with 2 kids
Going thru difficult time and all discussions somehow lead back to the break up period.
Feeling at a loss on how to pull the family together
Worried whether it is a problem that can be fixed, or are we really growing apart.


Thanks for taking the time to read...

 

 

Here's my take:

Perhaps things between you two are not as good as before. You don't talk as much, or as well as you used to. You feel distance growing between you. I think that she feels this, and the fact that she sort of 'begged' her way back into the relationship makes her feel that maybe you don't love her anymore, and that in the past you did not even want her back, after the she ended it with you for a period of time.

I am not sure if what I am saying is really describing your situation. However, if it is, I think it would be a good idea for you two to have a good long talk about what happened during that break you've had. Tell her you did not want her back because she has hurt you, and that it was not an easy thing for you to overcome. Explain that you loved, and still love her, and that break was a dark spot for you because she left you. You both need to figure out what's causing the issues, and why. If you don't communicate this problem, you'll never identify it, and thus never overcome it.

Like I said, it's pretty hard to really tell what's going in, but that's just my

 

Seek help - professional - a sort of mediator. If your relationship does not improve after visits with counselor then they are imrepairable IMHO. Someone from the outside, unknown to you both, needs to view the situation and give their honest evaluation and what needs to be done to move fwd.

 

Dude that's your 4th post? Damn that's some mad drama.

 

Hmm...let me see if I can help shed some light on this cloudy subject...

The Past
The two of you have agreed to move on together past each of your transgressions. While that is both noble and romantic, it is not conclusive. You needed closure with those things, as is evidenced by your bickerings in more recent times. People tend to want to focus on how to "forget" what happened. When the main focus should be on forgiveness. If you forgive her, and she likewise, you don't have to forget. Because by doing that, you have given yourselves the tools and fortitude needed to deal with when those things come back up. And, as you can see, they will if you are not strong enough as a couple and haven't dealt with them properly.

So sit down, and talk about the past amongst yourselves with great detail (or with a counselor, if it is now too argumentative, or hurtful a matter). At the end of those discussions, after you have both revealed all and attempted to assuage the other's fears, ask for forgiveness, if that is possible, and agree to put it in memory and not to use it as a weapon or tool in any other discussion after that point. If you can't forgive, then you can't stay together. But before you can go on, that past must be dealt with and exorcised. Above all else, realize that you may have both turned to someone else in a time of need, but that was then and this is now. The person you both want to turn to now is each other.

The Distance and The Present
It is a difficult task for couples that LOVE each other to deal with distance and absence. A seemingly insurmountable task for a couple with problems. To buy into the same plans or goals, you must have the same vision. Or it won't work. You can say all day that this is what it takes to make it, but if you don't really believe that or trust that it will, it won't work. Sometimes, one person understands the necessary sacrifices, but the other person doesn't exactly deem them necessary or more important than other things. This division seems to be what is causing the base stress in your camp. Couple that with financial strain, familial fighting, and your own personal problems you deal with everyday, and you have a bad situation going south in a hurry. What you need is a sound plan. Which, is the perfect segue for...

The Future
Ask her what she wants from this union. Where she expects this to go. Ask how she thinks you all should proceed to get there. Tell her the same. If you still share the same goals, then what you need to do is compromise and settle on a path to get there and stick with it. You said it yourself, that you have two beautiful children. Don't they deserve the best that you both can give them? Do not mistake that to mean the best you can give them together. You may not be able to stay together. But if you do, that is always a beautiful thing for any family.

Conclusion
Your future, your past, and your present are inextricably linked together. Figure out how to handle them all, come up with a plan to stay together, and buy into it.

Try those things and come back to share how it worked out. Good luck!

 

When you do decide to sit down and talk about what happened in the past, each other respectively, try to be understanding that it was years ago and that you both just made mistakes in the way you handled those things. It is not a good sight to see your loved one in the hands of another, platonic or not. But if you want to stay together, you will have to focus your energies on being brave and forgiving souls and look past it.

Now, you don't have to look past it or let it go. Not if it has done irreparable damage as far as you are concerned. But if that is the case, be honest with yourself and her, and let what you have together go. Just do the best for the kids apart and admit that it is over. The pain and anger will always be there like a riptide if you don't.

 

Man sounds like the actions of a cheater...a cheater can't trust them self so they can't trust you no matter how much you convince them that you are 100% committed to them. So they make you do things to prove yourself to them or grind on you knowing that it will drive you further away or piss you off to the point where you are the one that breaks up with them.

It easier on the cheater to have you break up with them then for them to break up with you...at least that's how it's been in my experience. You might want to see if there is another person in the picture. She isn't on the internet 24/7 is she?

 

cliffs?

 

You have a lot going on. I hope I can help. So you know a bit about where I've been - married 18 years (married at 21 and 23) - we also had two kids starting at the 3 year mark. So I was at nearly the identical point you are at - 6 years in, 2 kids, and probably close to the same age. I remember that time - and it was hard. I actually had a very similar event in our marriage - different causes, but same tension. So first off don't think you're the first, or alone on this.

So here are my thoughts:

Remember you can't be an effective parent if your marriage is having trouble. So for your kids sake, getting things right with you and your wife must be a priority. Second thing is most people don't realize there are very few problems a marriage can have that can't be solved by the behavior of the husband (that is, in a marriage that has love and balance to begin with). You may have to put aside some pride and let things go yourself, but I'll honestly tell you that whenever I've "bit the bullet" and put aside my hangups and focused on hers, I've never been let down. You hold the key to making this better.

I think there is enough going on with what you said that you need to work on some things one at a time. Don't try to solve everything you mentioned at once, and don't think it will be short. This may take some time.

I'd start off by sitting your wife down - when the kids are in bed - and it's just the two of you. No distractions, no TV, go sit on a couch and give her your undivided attention. I think the first thing you want to discuss is acknowlege things are in a rough spot and you want to work on them. Reaffirm to her that you love her, in spite of all that's going on, and you want things to be better. To do whatever it takes. She's that important to you, and so is your marriage. Then, listen. Don't talk, don't solve anything, listen. And when you're done, listen some more. Don't feel like you have to get up from the couch with a solution or a plan (many men fall into this trap). 90% of the time women feel better by just getting it out uninterrupted. Plus, if you let her talk long enough, you'll get through what appears to be the problem and get to the root of what is. Your goal for this conversation is two things: listen , and let her know you are committed to her, your marriage, and making things better.

Step 2 depends on what she tells you, but I'm going to suggest a few things. One - appologize for how you treated her with that other guy back when you were dating. You may not feel like you're the one who should appologize, you may still feel angry. Appologize. Yes, you may have to swallow some pride on this, but I'm telling you - it should break her heart all the more, and that's what you want to start this with. Be sorry for reacting then, and be sorry it's bothering her now, be sorry you never let it go you thought she was cheating (by the way, it does not matter now if she was or wasn't). Offer her that. If you apologize, it goes away and becomes the past. I've done this - even when I was no where near the one who should apologize, but I did anyway just to restore peace. I've never, ever, been let down with the result. Oh, and don't ever bring it up after that. Ever.

Second, is at the point you are at - 6 years married, two young kids - this is the time when you run the biggest risk of loosing your sense as a couple. Your world is work, diapers, feeding, constant looking out, then the house, etc. It's vital you make time for the two of you as a couple. Absolutely essential. On this I'd recommend two things: decide now to make sure you get 20 mintues a day of uninterrupted time with her. I'm not talking about bedroom time I'm talking just face to face. You and her, talking about the day. Time to listen to her. You'd be amazed that 15-20 minutes a day like this keeps the connection. When couples don't do this, that's when you start hearing one of them "feel distant". Part 2 - get out on a date. Find a sitter, do what you have to, but get out just the two of you. It does not have to be weekly, but I'd recommend monthly. Do it. Make it happen. Don't let "life" stop you from doing these two things. They'll pay huge dividends.

Last, is you'll be a hero if you arrange for her to have some time away from all three of you. Offer to take the kids on a Saturday - the three of you go and let her have a quite house. Or let her go spend time with a friend. For a "working at home" mom of two young kids, this is gold. It does not have to happen every week, but is essential to restoring her.

This is getting long - I'll end with this three but I do have more. I'd start with these however. Given what you wrote, if you do these three things, I think a vast majority of what you wrote about may get better.

On your family - you may want to apologize for this too, whatever it was. This is a whole other topic but an extremely imporant one. Your (or her) family interfering with your marriage cannot happen. If you'd be willing to provide more on this, maybe I can help.

Good luck with you - I hope this works out. Whatever you do, do not give up, do not let it get worse. I have as good a marriage as a man can hope for, and I'm married to my best friend. In spite of all this, we went through this too. It happens to the best of them.

 

easy solution if kids werent involved... but for their sake and the fact you still admittedly love her... counseling seems to be the way to go, because its already well documented by what you've said that you guys cant seem to figure this out on your own.

 

:ibetitsalongtimeuserthatdoesnotwanttobeknown:

 

Folks thanks for reading and sharing... and Keep your thoughts coming.

Re reading my post, I feel I may have hinted more drama than there actually is !!! Although I am not expecting any Magic turnaround in a short period of time, I do feel that the situations can be fixed and turned around. And I believe talking and discussing is the key to that Most of you, who have taken time to respond seem to reflect that.


Let me try and respond to some of your posts here

I have noticed that this is definitely happening a lot. Initially I felt that it was due to the stress and demands of life brought on by having a toddler and infant on hand, and other activities that seem to leave a lot less "US" time. MOreover I know it is an issue since she is home with Kids all day, less "US" time mean less 1:1 Adult talktime too. so that is 1 of the highest items on priority list to fix..


I knew I was gonna get some comment about me being new. I guess post whoring would fix that ... but then again thats not my thing <anymore>.
P.S> I rememember when the gas price reached $1.5 about 5 years ago how obsesed I was with gasbuddy.com and had to post prices every day and earn point to stay in the top 50 poster That lasted a whole 2 years before I realized how obssesed I was with it .

Darksom1, thanks for your PM and long and detailed reply. It reaffirms that my approach of mutual discussion is the best way to address these issues. However I am not the most articulate person so often it has been difficult for me to express the exact thing I wanted to convey in the first go. Once again I am gonna continue on my quest to get back in the conversation...


Txathlete, those were my thoughts when I was younger and angry at what she had done. Although the above comment may be true for the cheaters, I no longer feel that way about wifey. In my books Honest mistake yes...cheating no. She made a lousy choice almost 10 years back and I believe she has done her bit to show that she deserved to be apologized. I did put her through some tough times when she came back to test her, and she stuck through it. Any one who wasn't fully commited would have walked away.


1Louder, Although I know that I am not going it alone, but it is good to know that others made through the path safely. Congratulations on a successfully turning things around.. I can appreciate how much effort that must have taken....Experience counts and I can see nuggets of wisdom in your post gained from your experience. And yes I have fallen into that trap several times.


When we were doing goal setting for 2008 one of things we agreed on was when we sit down for goal setting for 2009 if we haven't got to a happier place then we will enlist professional help. And then again, even if we didn't have any kids now, I do not think we would have walked away without trying out all options including counselling.


I have been a lurker for a while now. But decided to join anyway as we were debating to get either a TSX or TL for the next vehicle. Although I am new here, I am not new to Internet forums or communities. Somehow I felt that this forum would invoke a better conversation than the "General Discussion" forum on the Minivan forum where I would get a bunch of moms & concerned dads (like yours truly) discussing how to fit the car seat in the best position.

 

My two short-term solutions would be: a) create "date night" where you two can get some necessary alone time for adult talk. Ask a close friend or family member to volunteer to babysit once a week or so. b) If you cannot articulate your feelings to your wife, write them down and give it to her in a letter. Lots of people are not really great at saying how they feel face to face, but can more easily put pen to paper to get their thoughts out.

 

Like I've said in another guy's post, read Gary Chapman's "The Five Love Languages". Seriously, it'll change your marriage when you figure out HOW to show her you love her; there's no sense putting so much effort into something she's not going to respond to. Read the book, maybe together before you go to bed, and talk about it - it'll be great.

 

+1 to this - my wife and I did something similar and it really was effective. Do it together, so she finds out the same about you.