This is an excerpt from a MSN conversation I had with a friend of mine a couple months ago, so please excuse the spelling and lack of punctuation. I am "In Search of Elysium...."

In Search of Elysium.... says:
hey I had a mini tuckermax night last night

Morpheus says:
oh do tell

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-Me and my boys went out for a beer, and ran into one of his homies from hi-school
-he was with a birthday party of some facially challenged bishes

Morpheus says:
LMAO

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-so he was more than happy to get away from the ug patrol and come sit with us
-so we are sitting down they are catching up, and we are talking about Jamaica and buying one way tickets to Brazil
-one of the ug's decides to join
-she's the best looking of the bunch, which is like saying she's the pimpest car in the Kia lineup

Morpheus says:
HAHAHA

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-but anyway we let her join in, and she immediately starts talking about herself and bragging about what she does "catering manager for a hotel", and just being a general nuisance
-I decide she is ugly and annoying, and I'd like to practice some tucker style on this slore

Morpheus says:
lol

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-I happened to be at the hotel she works at last wed. for a Chivas Regal event
-so I start fucking with her and tell her she's not the catering manager, because I remember her bringing me a drink
-she's not happy, "I don't bring people drinks!"
-I'm like you're right that wasn't you, you were the one that was cleaning up after we left

Morpheus says:
pwned

In Search of Elysium.... says:
she's very angry now, you what you are an ass and you're full of yourself

^she said that

Morpheus says:
let her have it

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-she starts talking about how great she is, and how she is queen bitch, and she does whatever she wants to do, guys grovel at her feet and blah blah blah
-so I was like no you're wrong, you want me to tell you what you are?
-she says i would love to hear it, I say you really don't but i'm going to anyway

-You try to project this tough queen bitch, I am so confident, nobody tells me what to do image. But the reality is inside you're a scared insecure little girl who thinks that if she tells people what she would LIKE to be, then they will actually beleive you

-You've probably never had anybody tell you this at least not a guy because you pick on weak pussies who you can brow beat with your fake confidence. but what you really want is a real man like me to come along and put you in your place, then fuck you up your ass and make you call me big daddy

Morpheus says:
BWAHAHAHAHAAAA

In Search of Elysium.... says:
she was speechless

Morpheus says:
that is awesome

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-I could see the wheels turning in her head searching for a reaction
-she finally settled on, "i'll laugh at him and act like it didn't affect me"

Morpheus says:
cop out

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-2 minutes later when I wasn't looking in her direction she quietly snuck away from the table
-defeated
-so anyway I tell a few tuckermax stories becauise he is my new god
-and even our waitress hangs around and is cracking up, literally crying
-I end with the "tucker tries anal" story, and damn near caused everyone to go into cardiac arrest and epileptic shock with laughter
-so I stand up with my hands in the air triumphant and said, and that my friends is the most disgusting story I've ever heard

Morpheus says:
i am actually shedding a tear of pride for you sir...

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-oh theres more
-so as I am basking in my newfound celebrity QueenBitch taps me on the shoulder and says "hey sit your ass down"

Morpheus says:
oh boy

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-she is now sitting with her orca fat friend and two euro trash low rent Antonio Banderas lookalikes so i guess she feels like it's her chance to redeem herself
-I am wearing a bright orange t-shirt that says in block white letters "YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT"
-I point to my shirt and say, come on you know my shirt pretty much sums up your feelings towards me
-shes's all oh please whatever, as if, blah blah
-I go "listen you know you want me, just admit it, trust me I know, you can't help it"

Morpheus says:
you are the mothafuckin man

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-she's like "whatever sit your ass down"
-I turn to her and make sure the entire table is looking and say very loudly.....
-"OK seriously stop throwing yourself at me now, you are getting pathetic" and walk off

Morpheus says:
BWAHAHAHAHAHA

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-then as I get to my car i realize I forgot my 24oz glass, I bought it at that bar a couple months ago
-and every wed. you get $1.75 refills of any beer you want, so i go back and get it
-she's now sitting at our old table with the guy we ran into and some other dude
-I walk back in grab my glass, her eyes are following me the way so I look squarely at her and go "NO I AM NOT GOING HOME WITH YOU SO STOP ASKING"
-The table erupts in laughter, as I am walking away I hear her sheepishly asking the guy "What's his name again"
-this being an asshole stuff is golden







In Search of Elysium.... says:
-so now I am driving home, windows sunroof open, rolling down the main 4-lane road to my crib, my boy is passed out beside me because he is a narcoleptic
-a car pulls up and someone is trying to get my attention, I look over and its two hooters girls from the hooters that we frequent
-We stop at a light and they shout across "We are going to play pool wanna come?"
-it's 1AM and I got work the next morning, but one of them is the one I have had my eye on for a month now, so i say fuck it whats another hour

Morpheus says:
nice

In Search of Elysium.... says:
-we go play pool, i flirt shamelessly with jennifer and close on her and get her number
-we have a date this sunday

Morpheus says:
you are the fucking man

In Search of Elysium.... says:
I'll be damned if I don't agree with you! lol

 

Got about 10 lines down and my eyes exploded

 

I did some editing. Is it easier to read now?