So my girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months. Back when we were just dating, she was dating this other guy (which is fine, we weren't together yet). I found out later that they've had sex (which is also fine) because she wanted to be "open and honest" with me about stuff once we did become bf/gf. She claims it was a "mistake".

Fast forward to the present. Now the guy calls her about once a week to "talk" and asks her to go to dinner. They haven't set a date or anything, but she asks me what I think about that, and I'm not exactly sure how to respond or how to feel. I've never met this guy, so I have no idea what his intentions are. The guy has a girlfriend, but he cheated on that gf with my gf, so that doesn't mean much to me. When I ask her why it's important that she goes to dinner w/ this guy, she says because they're "friends" and have been since before she met me (although not more than 2 weeks before). We've agreed that we're not supposed to be dating other people, but she claims that dinner with this guy is NOT a "date".

I do appreciate her running this by me before it happens, but I'm still like :wtf:...

My questions are:

1. Does dinner with this guy constitute a date? Why or why not?
2. Can they possibly be "friends" after what's happened between them?
3. If you were in the same situation, would you let your girl/guy go to dinner with this guy/girl?
4. Am I just being paranoid and insecure?

Thanks.

"Women: Can't live with 'em.... the end!" --Al Bundy

 

1. What's the setting for the dinner? Is it a weeknight or will this be cutting into the weekend where you'll be spending time with your gf?
2. Anyone can be friends with anyone else under any variety of conditions. Make sure you understand what the exact relationship is as it stands right now.
3. If it was on a weekday, I'd probably say yes. On a weekend, I'd probably protest.
4. No, you have every right to be a little paranoid. However, don't show it or else she'll get upset at you for being jealous.

My

 

just cause they go out to dinner doesnt mean they are gonna get back together I've had the same situation happen to me (sort of). Here's how it went down my gf and i had a break and this co-worker liked her alot and vice versa but now we are back together but she still goes to dinner with him every so often she claims they are friends which is cool as long as your girl is loyal it dont matter what his intentions are. as long as she has no "cruel intentions" its fine also in the end if she does cheat on you it wasnt worth it in the first place... my hopefully what i just wrote can be somewhat understood

 

I guess I'm far less understanding about things like this. IMO, if we were serious, she wouldn't even be in contact with him casually. It isn't that I don't trust her, it's just that I know how guys operate and very little is out of bounds when they're on the hunt.

 

:wtf: + 1

1. Yes.
2. Yes, if they're living in a Sitcom or TV show, but since this is reality, no.
3. You don't own her so you really can't say no, so let her go. Doesn't mean you have to like it or accept it.
4. Not at all. Not sure its your girlfriend I don't trust its him.

Clutch, I don't like the looks of things here, sorry buddy.

 

Fuck...

 

females= clueless. I KNOW they all think that guys wanna be their friends when actually they wanna be in their pants. of course there are few exceptions.

 

you know i did miss out on an important part... he calls her once a week!!! :wtf: is right damn i dk maybe your girl is friendly and doesnt wanna hurt his feeling .....just maybe?

 

Calling once a week is a bit much, but there is nothing wrong with keeping in touch. One of my closest friends keeps in touch with me from time to time (about twice a month) and my gf doesn't mind because she knows I'm committed to our relationship. Just because they talk isn't necessarily grounds for getting overly suspicious.

 

Tell her you don't feel comfortable about her eating dinner with one of her ex.

She should definitely understand.

 

:wtf: +2

1. Dinner with an Ex, what is the purpose? She only knew him 2 weeks before you, the "catching up with an old friend" thing doesn't apply here.
2. Depends on how long they went out and why they broke up.
3. If she wants to go, let her go. I would ask her if there was any problems with us that I didn't know about, and let her know you are not comfortable with her going to dinner with an ex, but you trust her.
4. No you are not being paranoid. I can't figure out what the ex's intentions are?

 

By the way, you are feeling insecure but it's completely normal.

I guess you have to ask yourself how much you trust her, and how much this means to her. If it's just a catch-up thing with her ex, it's completely pointless. Ask her all you need to know, and if you still don't feel it, DROP it.

 

But have you had sex with that friend?

Edit: Let me clarify: The "keeping in touch thing" is not what I'm questioning here. I'm questioning the validity of the friendship between my girl and this guy.

 

Maybe you need to figure out how much you care about this relationship. If you think this relationship has a future, then maybe you should let her go and then discuss it with her afterwards. If you don't think there is much future to this relationship, then it should matter what she does.

 

If I didn't think there was a future to this, I wouldn't even be asking these questions....

 

1. It could - or could not. It may be that their friendship is what they have left after the romance dissipated. If he is taking her out to a swank restaurant with dancing after, its a date. If they're going to an all-night diner or they're sitting in some dippy coffeeshop somewhere, I'd guess it's friendship - although it could be a cheap date if he's a cheap guy and she doesn't care......
2. Yup. IT's possible that they liked each other, tried to make the relationship a more comprehensive one, and entered into sexual sharing that - didn't work - and backed out of it before they lost the friendship. (Or, its possible that she shut him down and he's still trying)
3. Yup. My wife has several friends, men from the life she had between her first husband and me. One of them has remained quite close, was a great friend to her (and to me) through my wife's medical crisis - visiting, bringing witty gifts, etc. I decided to get to know the guy (after all, I like his taste in women) and we've become friends - not great buddys, but we can be in each other's presence without snarling. But he shares some stuff that I don't enjoy, so why should I begrudged them their friendship?
4. Not really - testosterone territoriality is pretty instinctual - but that's to be expected, and I wouldn't back off that. I would look at it, figure out how much of a real threat this guy is to your relationship over time, and go from there. Might try some casual time together, which might be really awful or - fun.

It can work the other way; my wife gets along great with an ex-fiancee of mine - see each other about once a year when she's in town on business.

 

Im sorry, but setting a date to go to dinner is just absurd, and it sucks that your gf is putting you in this position. I could see if she was just meeting him for lunch or something just to say hi. But meeting for a full on dinner date is wrong.

Sounds like she might be testing trust. Bottom line, all guys will take an opportunity if given. So, I would have no doubts about what his intentions might be. BUT, its completely up to her, so if you trust her enough, then you shouldnt have anything to worry about. I think I would tell her that while you dont approve of her doing this, you trust her enough to be ok with it. I think thats all you can do at this point without just flipping out

my

 

i agree with most of these guys. you have to look at the setting, the way she acts when she talks to him, the way she prepares for that meeting, etc. really, this is a question of whether you trust your woman or not. one thing's for sure, i wouldn't trust the other guy since he is the cheating type and because you're dealing with a stranger who also happens to be a guy who calls her regularly.

they talk to each other on a fairly regular basis, so they probably just want to meet up socially (now i'm giving her/him the benefit of the doubt here). if it is a social meeting, maybe you could go with? she should have no problem with that if all they want to do is talk to each other over a meal. say it would be a good chance for you to finally meet him.

set your woman aside, keep her calm, and let her know what you think about him and the situation without anger or jealousy clouding the issue. communication is key. if she sees how concerned you are and she's not the selfish type, she should understand/respect your pov and try to offer some reassurance or a solution that makes you both happy. if she's the living-in-denial/naive kind, it's gonna be tough. good luck.

 

if she really wants to hang out w/ him, i'm sure they can do it in a group setting. There's no way I let my fiancee hang out w/ the guys she dated before alone, either her friends would be there or I would. If they don't want you there, then my assumption would be that they're doing/sharing something that they shouldn't be.

 

Throw that one out there "Hey, why dont I come along also, I wanna meet this fool who couldnt hold on to the greatest woman in the world" or some silly shit like that

Then, stomp that turd burglar.

 

I don't know why exactly she feels she has to go out to dinner with him, and "because they are friends" to me is not a good enough reason. I think that you need to press her on this issue, because you need to know what it means for your relationship now and in the future. If she clams up on you and does not want to talk about it further, it would raise a red flag that she is hiding something-not that she has done anything with him (lately) but about her feelings about him.

I also am concerned about their talking once a week, too. To me, really good friendships withstand long periods of time where the friends don't talk because they trust in the friendship. A part of me thinks that if your girlfriend is commited to you, that if you think it is important for the two of you to concentrate on your relationship, you should do so with no distraction. I personally have had to tell ex-boyfriends not to call me because it made less emotionally committed to my current relationships, because the relationships were that meaningful to me.

This other guy sounds like a tool. It may be the case that he is pressing her, either wanting to get with her again because he truly wants her or she is a conquest. It may be the case that she doesn't want to offend him or simply doesn't know what to do. You need to tell her that it is bothering you and see what she says, because that will give you some indication of how she feels about your relationship.

 

Hey Clutch,
I was in this situation a few years ago. I dated this chic who was seeing someone at the same time, that included having sex with the guy. I acted like it was no big deal and figure if she wants to date another guy, I will go date another woman. It was fine when I didn't have feelings for her, but when I started to get feelings things changed. I told her I didn't want her to see this guy again. So a few weeks after that she told me that she had "broken" up with him and that she was no longer seeing him. But the nagging feeling that she was still fooling around with that other guy just never went away. So after 5 months of dating her and other women, I decided that her type of behavior wasn't something I want in a future wife and my rational for dating a few women at the same time was eating a hole in my wallet. So I dumped her.

I think from my point of view, if a girl has had sexual relations with a guy in the past and she continues to "hang out" with the guy, I would never be able to trust her 100% that she would not have sexual relations with that guy ever again. I think the temptation and accessibility is just too available to her should you guys ever have a bad argument. I understand that you can't tell her who she can be friends with, but if she loved you and respected you enough, she wouldn't want to do something that she knew bothered you. As for me, to prevent shit like this from cropping up, I never remain friends nor do I stay on speaking terms with my exes.

 

And I am female!! (Clued in to the whole "getting in the pants", thing, though.) I gotta say, I did the same thing by hanging out w/ an ex-bf after I was married and although I did not have ill-intentions, it went in that direction (nothing happened, but would have been better not to have been in that situation at all, you know what I mean.) I have to say, though, that if my husband had tried to stop me, I would have rebelled. I don't appriciate someone telling me what to do. You really just need to tell her how you feel and let her make the decision for herself. She should respect your feelings and not see the guy.

 

Any updates Clutch?

 

Girlfriend talking to ex = teh noes....

 

Yes!

So I brought it up with her in the manner that you guys suggested (I don't own her, so she can do what she wants--but that doesn't mean I have to like it). Later I ask her (jokingly) "So when are you going to dinner with 'Bob'?" (not his real name, of course). She says that she didn't want to and would rather spend time with me. And before you ask, I'm pretty sure she's being honest. :P

Clutch: 1
Bob: 0



Thanks guys (and gals)!

 

 

You da man...

 

Nothing sells better than honesty............. she could only be impressed by your honesty while appreciating your respect for her integrity. Pretty compelling.......

 

1. Irrelevent what they call it. It bothers you and she should respect that.
2. Yes. I am friends with several past girlfriends. We've managed to retain that bond that develops between sexual partners and now appreciate the friendships free of sexual tension. That doesn't work for everybody though.
3. No. He is not trustworthy. If you feel the same about her then why are you with her?
4. No. You are sensitive to what appears to be, at the very least, an emotional infidelity. We're you invited to the dinner?

 

Sounds like he is the initiator of this ordeal, and she just needed a little nudge (your question) to rationalize blowing him off.

 

I dont trust this guys motives at ALL.. (not you clutch the calling once a week douche)

 

if they go out....just let me know which restaurant and I'll spy on her for you












if she wants to be honest..might as well be honest and tell her how you feel...

 

Glad I could help.


BTW- Clutch, out of curiiosity, what does this guy drive?

 

I bet it has a 5AT.

 

Thats why his girlfreind had a thing for the guy.

Then she "settled" for an MT driver

 

did anyone take note that of all of the PIITB smilies, jaydub used the one that looks the most like Clutch? the real Clutch, not Space Ghost.

 

Clutch,

girls are way too trusting of guys who want to be "friends". They can be so naive sometimes that it can get frustrating. As a guy, we know how other guys operate...and that is probably why you are having a difficult time with this so called "get together".

And anyway, if I wasn't interested in a girl, I definitely wouldn't be calling her once a week. I barely call some of my close girl friends in college once a month!!!

 

yea. i agree, but wait, what's this?!?!?!

 

Awesome, man.