Long story short, I've been into this girl for a very long time. We're very close friends and in recent times things have gotten emotional. Sometimes she pulls back because she's scared of ruining friendship, but lately she's been more responsive to her emotions and our interaction towards each other. I thought everything was in the clear last weekend, we all went out for my bday, and we were inseperable for most of the night. Getting affectionate and what not.

So now to this week:
Earlier this week I called her up to ask her out for dinner this Saturday and she's game. She calls me Friday and says she wants to hang out Friday as well so, last night, we went to dinner and caught a movie.

Now this is what I don't get. Last night, she's very quiet at dinner, we had some banter back and forth but still, not our usual fun dinner conversations. I asked her if everything was ok and all she says is "just in my own thoughts". We go see a movie, and then when I'm dropping her off at home, we say our goodbyes and that was the end of it. Normally, she either calls when I'm driving home (I live about an hour away). Or she tells me to call her when I make it home. She didn't call. I called her cause I just wanted to make sure we were cool, she calls me back a lil while later and says the same thing she said earlier. She then says ok, have a safe drive and says bye. I'm totally baffled.

She didn't act normal at all last night and its been bothering me. Maybe I'm reading into it too much. I don't know if she's having doubts again, if she's still confused or if she was just shy/being coy last night. Then again she wanted to hang out both nights, not just the one so how can she be having doubts? I certainly hope it doesn't ruin tonight, I want it to be special, dinner in the city, maybe a walk in Millenium Park, Navy Pier or Buckingham Fountain (Chicago).

So what gives people?

 

she's trying to decide if she can really take it there with you... does she know your ex's or do you have history of hittin and quittin? If you want her, you might as well go ahead and have that conversation and hopefully not regret asking her what it was that was on her mind. But I wouldn't be the first one to tell her how I feel before she tells you how she feels.

 

Na.... Girls dont like been asked 24x7 whats on there mind.... If i was in your shoes and i know it would be hard to me to do, (knowing i'd be probably in the same mode your in now ), i'd just go with the flow...rather then looking into everything and trying to analyze every little thing, she does not do normaly.


I'm sure whatever is on her mind will come out sooner or later, but i would not push it, and just act like everything is fine and "try" enjoy the night, with not letting her know really whats on your mind... Yes its easy to say, especially when you see her acting in a different way...


Just don't push it... and try not let her see it bothering you.

 

Perhaps she is assessing the relationship and thinking of having one of those serious talks...

 

Actually we've had quite a few serious talks. Progressively she admits more and more. She already knows how I feel about her. The ball is completely in her court. We've been affectionate, but we haven't even kissed. One night she came over to watch a movie, that struck a chord in her, and after she bolted out of my house. On the drive home, she's crying, and I ask her if everything is ok, and she's say "I almost kissed you tonight".

I know she's torn, she wants to be young and have fun, but at the same time she knows what a great time we have together, we have these emotions towards each other, but none of have fully acted on it, when she's in "young mode" she wants to just date people, when she's in "mature mode" she talks about the future and where we are there. She tells me it bothers her when I talk to other girls, she knows I've dated too but I feel like we're both dating other people when we really should be dating each other.

This has been going on for a few months, I would think after numerous serious talks and emotional moments she'd be closer to figuring things out.

Maybe I just either A) need to have a serious talk tonight or B) just straight up be a man and kiss her?

 

Don't try to analyze her reasonings behind her actions. Just observe her actions and your justifications of them.

You say:
1. She acts affectionate yet you have not even kissed. What's you definition of affectionate? Sitting side by side watching TV and touching shoulders? There's romantic affection and there's platonic affection. I love patting my dog on the head and I like hugging my parents but that's not the same as wanting to kiss a girl.
2. The ball is completely in her court. You've got that right at least. You have already let her know how you feel multiple times and she has actually also let you know how she feels.... that she is ambivalent towards you. If she felt the same, you'd already be together. She likes you as a friend, doesn't want to lose that since she likes having someone to give her emotional support without having to give you emotional support in return. You say that "This has been going on for a few months, I would think after numerous serious talks and emotional moments she'd be closer to figuring things out." You are in serious denial and hanging on to a sliver of hope. If you asked me to give you $10 and I don't answer you for "a few months" would you still be waiting for me to "figure it out?" A lack of answer is the answer.

You've got the case of "Bitch in Waiting Syndrome." That's when a guy likes a girl who doesn't like him back "in the same way." You two can talk until the Sun comes up and I don't think you'll be any closer to your goal: to find out if she is willing to make the change from friend to boyfriend. She says that it bothers her when you talk to girls. You take that to mean that she cares for you. What it REALLY MEANS is that she doesn't like you being out of her sphere of influence and thinking that you can actually talk to another girl. She doesn't want to care for you but she doesn't want anyone else to come on her turf either. It's a purely selfish motive on her part.

That is the true dilemma for you, whether to push the issue of what your relationship is. You are scared because if you find out that she DOESN'T want to change the nature of the friendship, then you are left without a girlfriend or a friend. So you are willing to let things sit at status quo so you don't have to face the possibility of rejection: a guy's worst nightmare.

The problem with this situations is that there is no romantic passion from her to you. You probably feel passionately about her romantically. She feels affectionate towards you, and I'm sure she even cares for you, but she doens't feel passion towards you. If she did, you would have already been getting it on like rabbits.

Whe she says "I almost kissed you tonight" it's her saying that she wished that she felt more romantically passionate towards you but she doesn't and she feels bad about it because she knows you like her and she wants to be friends but for some reason she doesn't fee that way towards you.

Here's the somewhat good news. You have dug yourself in pretty deep into "friendship hell" but there's a small chance out. You've got to do what you've been afraid to do for all these years. You've got to force her to make a decision between you as a friend or you as a boyfriend. There can be no in-between. And the important part is that you don't talk to her about it. You've got to do it with your actions. You've got to make her want you and decide for herself if she can live without you. And before you decide to do this, you've got to be sure that you can live without her because chances are, you may.

Here's your only chance at redemption. You've got to start making yourself scarce. I'm not talking about avoiding her calls or being rude to her. Actually the opposite. You've got to pull yourself back emotionally from her but still be a good casual friend. That means, talking to her like once a week, not every night. That means, hanging out with her as you would a guy friend. That means, not talking mushy shit begging her to take you and waiting like an obedient dog for her answer. You've got to be a man and start taking charge of the situation that you have put yourself into. You've got to make her FEEL the difference between you as the needy friend who she can just take for granted and NOT having you around. The only way you will get her is to make her choose. You may or may not like the answer she comes up with but learn to live with it and don't wait for something that may not be there.

Also be aware that if you do as I suggest, she will feel the difference and ask you WHY you've been acting different. She is just wanting things to go back to the old way that she is comfortable with. If she asks, just say, you like having her as a friend but have decided that you need to live your life for what you have, not what you MAY POSSIBLY have. Don't go into details and don't babble on and tell her your entire plan of action. Just let mystery and her imagination work for you. Reality is your friend. Live with hope, not with denial. There's big difference. Good luck.

 

sala listen its simple, let things play out, if its meant to happen, then it will, i know this is so cliche but its the truth, just be yourself and dont force anything, if it doesnt happen then it doesnt, not much you can do to make her change her mind if she really doesnt want anything more than a friendship, females are decieving, trust me i just went through some shit too

 

SDCGTSX, you couldn't have spelled it out any clearer. I mean you're missing some of the parts, but just the little stuff I told you, you pretty much know what is goin on. Totally opened my eyes... I'll hang out with her tonight, just be myself, not force anything, let MYSELF have a good time, if I want to kiss her, I will, if she's not having it, whatever. Thanks guys, I think I got this

 

hmm.. is she brown? Brown girls take things a little tooo seriously.

 

brown for sure sala

 

That makes sense. Here's why: Brown girls take everything in a relationship one step further than other girls. Holding hands/being affectionate in a brown relationship = kissing in any other race relationship, kissing in a brown relationship = fucking in the other relationship.

Just let her know how you feel, try not to make her too uncomfortable. Tell her even if she doesn't feel the same, its ok, and you will still be friends. This way the decision is totally up to her.

Again, take it slow... let your hand show your affection instead of your lips. If you do kiss her, go for the forehead/cheek rather than on the lips. Once you've gained her trust, she start returning the affection... then keep pushing it a little.

 

We've already done the hand holding thing. Anyways, off I go tonight. Thanks again guys.

 

I differ to the brown expert for the details, but brown or not, all women are pretty similar. Most (except for the super femme nazis) actually like it when a guy takes control (not being a bully, but a leader). If you stop asking HER how she feels and actually show her how you feel by making a move, then at least you get your answer. She will either kiss you back, or recoil back in disgust, either way, at least you have your answer and can move on.

 

True. Guys should act on what they say what they feel. Talking comes later.

 

Being a non-brown. I've dabbled in some brown myself and I have a lot of friends of the heritage. A lot of the girls are more relationship oriented, from my experiences, a lot of them are crazy also.

How long have you known her, she might have some tramatic past that she's hiding from you and she's just waiting to drop it on you when the time is ready. Hold on to your balls and be prepared. Let's just hope she's always been a she.

 

We aren't talking about hitting the pooper pipe.

 

Night itself was great, but I was just being myself, not being overly nice or anything, I treated her like one of my boys. The only thing I did do was kiss on the cheek, just thought I'd keep it simple. She tried to call me while I was driving home to do the talk till dawn crap, but I was actually visiting a friend when she called, and I wanted to listen to music while driving home so I didn't call back. F it. I'm taking SDCGTSX' advice, playing the "whatever game" and if it happens, cool, if not, I'll hang out with these other girls I've been talkin to.

 

Just be careful that you don't take the attitude too far. I mean, it's good to be relaxed and confident when you're around her, but don't take that all the way to apathy, otherwise she'll figure that you don't think she's worth the effort.

 

This might backfire on you. Being too unavailable might send her the wrong signals.

 

I suggest you violate her anally.

 

I agree

It is all about control dude. Woman like a man who is confident enough to take charge.

This "ball is in her court" is a load of crap. The only balls she should be playing with is yours...........

Be a man. Take charge, if she starts to cry, then run as fast as you can, she's a basket case that needs the kind of help only a psychologist can give.

Sounds simular to a girl I once dated, we were friends first and should of stayed at that.

Brown, black, yellow, pink or white, a woman with issues is something you don't want to mess with................believe me....

 

Thats when I call the next day

 

latinas are crazy-loca about relationships, especially the FATR (Fresh Across The River) ones. Mexican culture is so strict about relationships and pre-maritial bunga-bunga. If she is a FATR, then good luck , dood, though I married one it is something of an acquired taste. Then again, mine DOES treat me like gold. If I ever cheater on her she would feed my testicals to me with beans and rice.

 

Is the term "brown" used more for middle eastern/indian people or latinos?? I'm confused.

 

Well others have pretty much summed it up.

But if you really want her start dating somebody and telling her how great she is.

That will make up her mind in a hurry. Sure its petty, but it works. You're getting used and played. Play back.

 

Agreed. The best thing you can do FOR YOURSELF (at this point you need to be slightly selfish) is date other women and make sure she knows it. But be tactful about it or she'll see right through you.

 

If she can't make up her mind by now......that doesn't spell good things for the future

As for her getting jealous, its all territorial...it doesn't mean crap...most women are jealous of their guy friends getting invlolved with anyone whether they want them or not...(my bf and i have been together for 3 years...and we'll just say he doesn't speak to 95% of his female friends anymore...No, it's not because i don't like them or am jealous...it's just i decided i wasn't going to let those bitches treat me the way they did (and believe me, they did some pretty nasty shit and said some pretty nasty things) so he had to be on my side or theirs..i didn't force hime to chose, the girlfriends did...if they coulda just played it cool, they'd still have their friend) it's just like 2 dogs fighting over a bone...

all in all, it sounds like you're doing the right thing...just step back a bit, do your thing...and maybe someday, she'lll figure it out

just don't put your life on hold

 

Well I've told her I am talking to/dating other girls. She tries not to show jealously but it comes up during conversations once in a while. There are times when I've actively been hanging out with another girl, but I can't just bring it up in conversation out of the blue, maybe if she asks me what I've been doing over the course of the week/weekend, I can mention it. Maybe she just needs to see me with someone else to wake up and smell the coffee. I'm not holding my breath on her either, there's just so much between us that I wouldn't want to give up and would love to build upon, but hey if it doesn't pan out, life goes on, no big deal, I can learn to live without it.

 

This has been happening for months?? Dude she is not that into you . If she was there wouldnt be any BS . she either wants to be with you or not.

 

she might be waiting for the right moment to tell cTLgo that she's really a he.

 

I kind of back tracked an realized its only been since the end of June, :lol: sometimes it seems like an eternity. Most of this just happened, late July, early August.

 

I bet she is one of those girls that has a bunch of guy "friends." Move on my freind! If she wants you she will chase you down. And I can almost bet your celly will blow up the minute she sees you with another lil hottie.

 

You're half way there but you're still sort of missing the point. You still have desire for her and as long as you desire her, it'll show. It's ironic but to possibly get her, you have to lose your desire for her. You are still thinking, acting, and trying too hard. The whole point of being a "player" is to make them want you and then choosing to be with them. That's the game. If you are trying to do things to make them like you, you're missing the point. You can't make every girl like you, you have to just learn to be the coolest version of you and you'll see that you will attract as many girls as you are meant to.

 

She's just not that into you.

 

yeah, you're laughing now... later you might be like-->


But lets hope not.

 

Not that cTLgo is trying to be a player, but I agree with the coolest version of you part...

 

I agree with this much. But you can't expect the switch to be flipped overnight. I'm slowly getting sick of this/over it. I know I just have to come to the point where I forget it. Heck if she keeps acting like this it'll happen real quick, the patience has run thin. Definetly time for a change, I know that.

 

 

she called me last night "to see how my day went and how I was doing"
Haven't decided if I'm gonna call back yet.

 

Man, i went through the same basic thing with a girl i really liked for a while. She would do the same cuddling stuff and call me to talk all the time.

We even hooked up (just kissing) a couple of times and she said she liked me a lot as a friend but didn't want to take it further. I kept thinking, no way, you like me more, you just won't admit it for some reason. Well, she didn't apparantly. And one day i just cut off all contact cuz i couldn't take it anymore. But she's still calling and told me she doesn't understand why i don't want to hang out. It's really hard to scale back your feelings for someone unless they do something horrible to you or.. i dunno, they lose a limb or something.

Since i had been seeing another girl tho, i figured it would be easier to be desireless towards the girl i actually like. We'll see if that makes any difference.