Hey guys, I'm thinking about proposing to my girlfriend. We've been together for about 15 months now and I have no doubt that I want to spend my life with her. When it comes to this sort of thing, I'm totally clueless though. I had a perfect opportunity around the first of the year, but didn't want to take it because it had been less than a year. We've talked about marriage in general, I know she's open to the idea of being married. But we haven't talked about it beyond that. I want to do it soon because she'll be moving to California for a year next month. She got accepted to a fellowship at Stanford soon after we met so this is something I've known about from the beginning.

I've been doing some research on rings and how much you should spend and what to get, but if anything I'm more confused now than when I started. She doesn't really like large or flashy jewelry, so I was thinking of something simple. Is it normal for couples to go shopping for the engagement ring together? I would think that would spoil the surprise when the guy does finally pop the question. How did you guys do it?

Sorry if it all seems a bit disjointed but I'm kind of freaking out just thinking about it.

 

wait till she comes back from CA..........

 

Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

 

I took mine shopping with me to pick out rings. Saved me over five grand when she fell in love with something way cheaper than I was prepared to spend



oh yeah, and

 

Absolutely. If the relationship is still strong after that year, that's a good sign.

 

That's tough. I would normally say do it but if she is moving away for a year it is not that easy. Have you ever thought about moving with her? Is that an option?

 

We talked about me moving out there with her, but its really best if I stay here for the time being. No sense in trying to rent out the house or sell it, find another job that will probably pay me a quarter of what I make here, and figure out how we're going to get all of our stuff cross country for a one year fellowship. I've got 16 weeks of vacation time at my disposal, so I'll be in California for most of it. And when the fellowship is over, she may or may not be able to find a job right away anyway. I'm hoping she'll just move in with me after the year, but we'll see.

 

Do it after the fellowship.

 

 

+2

 

o.O Do you teach? Or..... WHAT?!


+1 on waiting until after she gets back, though I completely understand why that would compel you do do it sooner

 

Nope, work for the city utility. We get good benefits, not the least of which is the ability to save time off. Of the 16 weeks, 6 are saved time I've accrued.

Now that I've had some time to think about it, and read some responses, I think I'm going to hold off. Just out of curiosity, why do you all think I should wait?

 

because a year of "long distance" will be a good test of strength. a proposal prior to her leaving could cause undue stress, and is jumping a gun as you will be unable to be with her for most of the time. and if her being in cali ends up in your guys breaking it off or getting rocky *knock on wood, i wish you luck* then there is no pressure from the engagement and family and stuff. you don't wanna rush the engagement and then get a divorce. but getting through this will strengthen your bond and make you more prime for marriage

also, women are fucktarded and think with their left elbow and right knee. exactly, it doesn't make sense. she may think you proposing to her prior to her leaving is your insecurity and you are afraid she will meet another guy in cali

 

WAIT. Long distance can change everything - theres a greater rise from animosity, and the lack of physical/sexual contact. it is a very eye opening experience that can go one of two ways. 15 months together + 12 months away does not necessarily = sure thing. Regardless of what you may be feeling now.

If you feel the need to propose before the move, then that could be a subconcious sign of uneasiness.

You do not want to sacrifice work to possibly move to CA. And she does not want to sacrifice the fellowship to stay in FL. That says quite a bit. Getting engaged will not greaten the chances of staying together through it all. It will just add tension, and equate to a "forced" long distant relationship that may be constantly second guessed for artificial feelings, not natural feelings. And that is under the great assumption that she even says YES, knowing that she is about to move, and had little conversation with you about marriage. It's 2012, proposals are turned down all the time, and engagements are called off. Proposing now is premature, and not a safe alternative to not moving to CA.

Either WAIT...or propose ONLY IF one of you sacrifice your previous commitments and decide to live in the same city (FL or CA).

 

..................
sorry for the negativity. i do not have doubts about your feelings or hers...just painting a realistic picture based on the external factors.

 

No need to apologize Thermon, that's exactly what I was looking for. A well reasoned statement of why I should wait. And believe it or not, it all makes perfect sense. I'm not going to lie, the thought of her finding somebody else out there has crossed my mind. I have no reason to think that she'd act on that as she's been totally honest and faithful since we met. That's just my insecurities talking though.

 

I say wait, but I don't see the value in waiting the full year if you still feel its the right move. You don't want to put an engagement right in front of a huge life change like that. Let her go, get settled, and see how the first 3-4 months go. Thermon is right in that the distance will teach you some things and will put a challenge on your relationship. While challenges like that can drive a wedge, they can also create a stronger bond. You'll learn a lot by the initial separation. Hopefully, it will make you closer.

But after you've experienced that if you still feel like it's the right move, I'd go ahead and propose during one of your visits. Just don't get married until she's done and you can decide where to settle down together.

But if you propose during her stay in CA, just be sure to get a good read on where she's at. If she's "freaking out stressed" all the time a proposal might be unwelcome. Basically, pick your moment carefully and rely on what her behavior is telling you.

As for the ring, my wife and I did a lot of "window shopping" before we got engaged. That's a good way to get a good feel for what she likes. And PLEASE IGNORE any "how much should I spend" stuff you read from jewelry stores. My standard advice is: spend enough she knows you sacrificed, but not so much that you drain your life savings or go into debt. And if she's low-maintenance about jewelry, you can shoot just above what she's expecting and thrill her without busting the bank.

 

I like the window shopping idea. Maybe we can go sometime after she moves. We've actually got a lot of stuff planned for that year. My aunt has a house in Tahoe, we're planning on spending some time there. We both want to spend some time in wine country. We want to take an Alaskan cruise. The list goes on. Plenty of great chances for me to pop the question while she's there.

I wouldn't think of getting married before we figure out where we're going to land. She wants to stay in Orlando, her family is all here. I want to relocate, but I've got family here too and a good job.

 

Take your time.. 15 mos is a blink compared to 50 years.

 

Only with her 15 months and she is going to be gone the next 12? Wait to see if she comes back. Ring or no ring isn't going to matter. If she loves you she will come back. If she doesn't she will sell the ring.

 

Good choice on waiting.

I like the suggestion of waiting until she is closer to moving back or y'all living together. It opens the door for a well planned surprise when you do end up asking her. Also if you were to ask her at the end of her fellowship them it will give her something to look forward to and plan as one life event comes to an end at Stanford. Women love planning shit. Best of luck to you.

 

Her fellowship is only for a year and it's uncertain where she will be afterwards. If I were in her shoes, I'll be practical and wait at least for a few months. Just make sure you communicate regularly, and perhaps during one of the visits, you can go to a mall, stop by one of the jewelry stores on your way to a particular shop, and look around. My husband did that I remember him pointing to a particular ring and asking, "do you like this style? or do you prefer a more simple one?"

At the near end of her fellowship, gauge if your relationship became stronger and if you still feel she's the one... then make a decision. Meanwhile, start saving!

 

+1

1louder's advice

 

Give a shout out if you come by the Sacramento area

 

Another +1 for waiting. No reason to rush into engagement.

Good for you regardless

 

Well....we had a wonderful 5 days, and it took a lot of restraint on my part but I didn't pop the question. Thanks for all the great advice guys.