Have any of you dated or are currently married/engaged to someone of a different religion? How does it work? How did you make it work? What faith did the kids choose or how was that handled?

 

me = protestant. girlfriend = hindu

No problems yet. Neither of us is overly religious. Kids would be the major issue, and honestly I'm not sure how we'd handle that part.

 

I am not married but I am a kid from a mixed religion marriage. My dad is a Serbian Orthodox and my mom is a Croatian Catholic. If anyone knows anything about history, you know that serbs and croats hate eachother and we were in a war for a while. My parents had their ups and downs but mostly because of the familie from my mom's side. My dad's side accepted my mom for what she was and never looked at her differently as where my mom's side of the family doesn't like her very much and absolutelly hate my dad. They made it work just by respecting eachothers religion, my mom does her thing and my dad does his. They however didn't raise me to be either and I was not baptised untill I was old enough to decide for myself. I chose my dad's religion when I was 18, chose my own godfather too and my parents both respect my decision.

 

Only for short periods of time in HS, but never anything serious. They all ended actually because religion was not something we had in common, which just meant that once the "newness" wore off, the relationships died out.

I think you have to be very careful. I think it totally depends on how much one or the other practices their religion, and to what extent practicing it may interfere with the other. The only mixed religion relationships I've seen work well (and with the kids) are ones where the two spouses agree up-front what the "ground rules" are about allowing the other to practice freely, and also what the kids will be. I think people who wait 5 years into their marriage to hash that out are in for big trouble. If religions are lightly practiced, it may not be a huge deal but well worth clearning the air and being like-minded just the same. Communicate and establish clear expectations.

 

If neither of you are hard core and your families are both okay then you should be alright.

 

I agree. Any relationship is exciting and fresh in the beginning, but as it progresses the deeper traits and additional expectations always surface. I think if a couple respect each other and each other's religious beliefs, then it can work. Respecting each other's religion is not always merely allowing the other to follow their beliefs, but also taking an active part at times in the beliefs of the other partner.

I'm an atheist, but respect all religions. I've dated women who shared the same beliefs that I have, and also those who have run the gamut from Christian to Muslim. None of them have ever been what one would could consider to be fundamentalists, and for the most part it's always been fine. The relationship with the Muslim girl was a little difficult, but only because of family members outside of her immediate family.

So no, it wouldn't deter me. And if the other is sincere in the relationship and sees you for you, it shouldn't deter her either.


Terry

 

I have seen it work quite a few times in my life. I agree with Terry though. All kinds of differences are fine (and even exciting) at first. There can even be the taboo factor going on. It can be fun short term. The roll playing stops after a while, though, and we, as grown-ups, have to be able to love each other not in spite of, but because of who we really are. Yes, this will mean participation in each others lives on every level at different times. It's nice to say "Oh, that's lovely" and stay on our own sides, but that really isn't inclusive to our mates. It's exclusive. It's nicer to say "Of course I'll participate in your brothers wedding service if he'd like me to."

I was raised Baptist. Both of my parents were very involved in our church. As a result, so were my brothers and I. It did us quite a bit of good overall. I left my church, and all churches, when I took a turn down a very bad road.

Now at 44, I do not attend church. I am very spiritual and I pray for help and guildence every day, but I am not religous. To me, and only me, it really doesn't matter if my prayers are heard. As long as I turely believe that they are, and I do, it helps me.

I spend my time with a very wide variety of people that have a very wide variety of beliefs. For me, open-mindedness and a willingness to learn gives me a more expanded understanding of my "brothers", and a fuller opportunity to define my own beliefs and feelings.

 

Well its pretty complicated with me. My Dad is Hindu, my Mom is Christian, I fall in between and my better half is Greek Orthodox.

Everything seems to work out fine. We are all very open minded.

 

Tried it once.
In the end, didn't end up working out too well.

 

Care to elaborate? How do you fall in between?

 

I mean I do not follow either exclusively. I follow both. Does that make sense?

 

My last g/f was catholic. I'm not religious at all. Never really any problems between us but she talked of kids one day and that was where there were disagreements. Don't have to worry about that shit anymore though

 

Well I guess just trying to figure out how you follow both. Believe in both beliefs? Celebrate both religious holidays? That's what I was wondering.

 

I think one of the things to remember is that the ultra-religious wouldn't even consider dating someone outside of their religion, so that cuts out a lot of people who absolutely wouldn't budge for someone with different beliefs.

I think a lot of people's willingness to accept someone of another faith depends not only on the importance they place on their own religion, but also on what stage of life they're at and what their goals are. I find when people go into situations with only the expectation of casual dating, religion isn't as much of a concern or hot topic because they aren't going into the relationship with the thought of long-term commitment or marriage.

I think when people are truly looking to settle down, they start to question exactly what they want in a mate and try to envision how they will live their lives together and perhaps the way they would like to raise their children. Sometimes, it's extra pressure brought on by immediate family of the couple, who feel very strongly about 'sticking to one's faith' and that also causes a lot of stress.

I think it's easier to meet on common ground if both parties are willing to participate, be educated, open, and even interested in accepting a variety of celebrations, holidays, and customs into their lives. Either that, or one person simply isn't very committed to his/her own religious beliefs and doesn't feel strongly either way. I know many children who celebrate a number of holidays from more than one religion and culture because of the diversity of their immediate and extended families. The children don't seem to mind either way, as long as the parents don't place more importance on one vs. the other....it just makes ALL of the events fun for/to the children that way.

 

Depends on how different... I grew up Catholic and my wife grew up Protestant. We both believe in what we consider to be important: the Bible, Jesus' death and resurrection, etc. We just needed to pick one or the other for our kids, but we are not married to the "worldly" doctrines of either one. It caused a little bit of tension with in-laws, but it was never an issue with us. Now, if one of us had been non-Christian, it would have been a tougher road... I'm pretty open-minded, so I can't say I *woudn't* have married someone from another religion, but choices when raising kids would have been the tough.

 

My wife was brought up Catholic and I was brought up Jewish. Neither of us are currently very religious, but still generally observe holidays and follow tradition. We both respect each other's religion (sometimes more than we respect our own ) so it works out fairly well.

We don't have kids yet, but that will be a challenge we will have to deal with when it happens. Her current thinking is that the child should go to private (likely Catholic) school. We shall see.

Family on both sides, while not excited about the religious differences, have not really made it an issue for us beyond some early comments about how much easier it would be if we were the same religion. No real concerns now that we have been married for a few years.

 

I've never been in a really serious relationship that lasted more than 2 years and I prefer not to talk about religion, so it's really been a non-issue for me. I'll still come over to her family gatherings for holidays if it doesn't take place on the same day as my family's gatherings, and I'm open to expanding my cultural boundaries.

Personally if someone can't get along with me for the most part because of my religion, I'd be better off without them. Thankfully I haven't gotten close to girls like that, but I've met a few of them. Its actually kind of off-putting, come to think of it. I prefer girls who are open-minded... I have enough stubborn people in my family as it is.

I'm more of a spiritual person than a religious person, if it matters.

 

Tis true...

 

I have never actually dated someone with the same religion as me. I'm Hindu, but not really practicing. Some of the other women I have dated were very religious and it sometimes led to problems with our relationships. I have only really had one that ended because of it. Luckily, my wife is not very religious, so I guess that's why we get along so well.

As for how it works.....I feel that you have to discuss it. Be open with each other. I think if you can both realize the similarities in different religions as well as appreciate the differences them it will be less of a problem.

 

I guess the one big concern is this -- baptize or not?

Obviously you can respect each others religion, and observe the major holidays of both, but the baptism -- followed by communion, confirmation -- seem like a very serious issue.

 

Good topic.

My wife is catholic, she goes to church every Sunday for mass.
I was brought up as a Hindu, but am not very religious.

We're doing fine at the moment because we do not have any kids yet. I know things are going to change when the kid comes. We have prepared for that but I know we'll face challenges. We can raise our kids as both or none. I'm leaning towards none because I don't practice hinduism so my kid won't be getting much from my side, on the other hand the wifey goes to church every week so I think she will be influencing the kids much more. I don't want to force anything on the kids and let them decide when they are of age which religion, if any, they want to follow.

 

If your wife is Catholic, you can't raise them as both, in the eyes of the church at least. That's why I raised the baptism question.

 

The usual answer for people who come from different faiths (where neither one is dogmatic enough to need the other one convert) is Unitarian Universalism (or depending where you live, Quakerism/Friends). Neither has a "creed" so there aren't firm rules about exactly what you believe, and that works for lots of mixed background couples, especially when it's time for Sunday school for the kids.

 

I don't think she was a real Muslim, because it's strictly forbidden for Muslim women to be involved with non-Muslim men.

 

Not to mention, muslims can't really "date"

 

My dads Jewish my moms catholic. She had poor experience with catholic church in Chicago my brother and I were raised Jewish. She is still catholic and does her thing. Has never been an issue for us, other people have an issue with it. But like most things people have trouble accepting things that are different. Keep in mind it should probably be discussed before marriage.

My cousin (also jewish) was engaged to a catholic girl. My mom asked how they woudlnt raise their kids and she said "I don't care as long as they believe in Christ". The engagement was called off soon after that (she was a cheating whore). Just somethng to keep in mind.

 

I don't know to what degree her beliefs were, but she did come from a Muslim background. It was a very long time, in university, but I can remember a lot of sneaking around and not being able to be seen in various places. One of the things that I can recall the most is that we were having dinner at one time, someone saw us, and phoned her parents. They were waiting for her when I brought her home. I'm not really sure to what capacity we would have continued the relationship if her parents had difficultly with it, but after a few awkward meetings they didn't have an issue with it.


Terry