Lister00169

Alrightly, I've been going out with my girlfriend for ~6 months now. To get to the point, she is not Indian, she is Portuguese. I've been up front with my parents about her telling them that I want to find someone on my own. Everytime I say I am going out with her, they both give me the look. They keep telling me not to get serious with her and my dad keeps telling me "We've worked hard all our lives for you and we ask this one thing for our happiness, don't marry a non-Indian". This drives me nuts and makes me want to cry out sometimes.

I love my parents to death, I would kill for them but they make me feel ashamed and makes me think that I am doing something wrong. I know it's not their intention to hurt me, they are just old fashioned when it comes to me dating and ultimately marrying. I want to get some opinions from other ethnicities (especially East Indians) on how to go about things. I'm not going to marry my girl anytime soon and I know things can change between us, it's just that I don't like this added pressure. I know I've done nothing but the right thing all my life which I attribute to the values my parents taught me. It just sucks that my parents base their opinion off of cultural contraints. It's funny that my religion (Sikhism) preaches equality and doesn't prohibit me from marrying outside my ethnicity. Thanks for letting me rant and thanks for the future opinions .

svtmike

Well I'm not in your target demographic, but it's not clear to me if your parents have ever met your girlfriend? If they don't know her at all, it's a lot easier to be prejudiced about her.

If they do know her, and she's a good person, and they and are still all wound up in her nationality, then I don't know what you could do to change their minds.

Mike

CGTSX2004

iTrader: (1)

Lister, I think you need to sit down and have a long discussion about this whole situation with your parents. If you talk to them about your feelings and perhaps listen some more to their side of the argument, you might be able to come to a compromise.

Unless you think this girl you're dating is absolutely the one you'll be spending the rest of your life with, you can console your parents by telling them that you're still looking for the right person. If things get more serious, then you'll have already layed everything on the table for them. If your parents really care about your happiness, they'll eventually understand your point of view.

As a good son, you should also make sure that you understand and respect their wishes, but that doesn't mean you should give up your free will to appease them.

GeishaGirl

^^^ maybe if they met her and liked her they'd accept the idea of you being with her

I'm Japanese and my family has always promoted the idea of sticking with people of the same ethnicity, but in the end they are happy for me if I am happy. My grandmother who has always pushed my uncle to find a nice Japanese girl, couldn't be happier for him now that hes found his future wife even though she is Filipino. I'd hope that your parents would be happy for you no matter who you end up with As long as the person makes you happy IMO race isn't important.

gordon_gekko

since she's protugese (kinda brown), just draw a red dot on her forehead and pass her off as indian...she only has to fake it for a couple hours overs dinner (low lighting is key) and a couple hours at teh wedding...

honestly though...i think you gotta fuck your parents on this one ....errr, you know what i mean. i dunno your culture but i guess it's some deep tradition that indo's marry other indo's or whatever..

but it's 2005 man and the heart wants what it wants...if you love this spanish bitch how could you settle for some indian bitch just cuz your parents want you to marry an indian? you'd regret passing up the one you loved...you might not find that again. what the spanish girl would lack in body hair she would more than make up for in all the other areas that attracted you to her in the first place...

don't settle dude....your parents will get over it. they cant stay mad at you forever.

Lister00169

Thanks guys. My parents have not met her, but I have met her parents and they are essentially the Portuguese version of my parents. Her dad even told her to "Not get too involved. He is just going to break your heart since he will have to marry an Indian girl." I have had the discussion with my parents and have told them that I am trying to find the right girl. They have told me that they won't force me to marry who they want, but "you know our taste." They are putting the guilt trip on me and it's makes me insane at times. My parents have sacrificed so much for my brother and myself and marriage is a huge deal for them. I am planning on setting up a dinner date with my family and her after I come back from India on March 12th (I leave this Friday the 25th). Keep the opinions coming! Thanks to those who have replied .

8-)

Follow your heart.

The parents may be great, but it's your life. Pay the parents back with something else, like your happy life. Or share your lottery winnings. Or send them on a great vacation. But you need to live your own life.

If you end up living your life just to please your parents, and it doesn't work out, you'll end up hating both your parents and your self. Don't do it.

Jinen

I'm Indian and I know exactly what you are going through...

however, I have a different opinion as opposed to everyone who has replied so far...

personally, I would not go for inter-racial marriages...i just feel that, in the long run, they would have more complications than same race marriages...

i know how indian parents are...and i'm sure it's not them only that would feel this way...all your uncles, aunts, grandparents and basically everyone would feel awkward with this relationship....it is true that your parents came to this country for you and your brother and they have worked very hard to give you two a good life....and in return, they just want you to maintain your culture and pass it onto your kids...

think about it, if you and this portugese girl get married, then what language do you think your kids will speak? MOST LIKELY JUST ENGLISH...what does that mean? that your kids won't have that culture that your parents are talking about...they will be ABCD's basically...i'm sure you know what that means lol...i'm not saying there is anything wrong with ABCD's, but they will be considered that...now as far as religion is concerned, what do you think the kids will follow? sikhism or christianity (i think that's what portuguese people follow, correct me if i am wrong though)...so as you can see, it becomes very difficult to pass the culture/religion/language onto the future generations...hence making it more complicated...ya, you may be very happy with your wife and your wife will be happy with you, but what about the future generations?

from what i understand, you are not even certain whether you want to marry this girl or not...but u just want your parents to accept the fact that you are dating someone else who isn't indian...and that can be very difficult for desi parents to accept...especially since they were born and raised in India and then they come here and expect the same from you and your brother...they want you to study hard and become something of yourself and then marry an Indian and pass the tradition on...and you know, to be honest, I completely respect that...I have a girl and she's Indian and guju and I love the fact that she's the same culture/religion that I am...i can talk to her in guju and we can talk about our culture and know what's going on, we can attend the same religious events/ceremonies/rituals...i think it's soo much more convenient...

so, in my opinion, i would advise that you listen to your parents on this one...in the end, they are only trying to look out for what's best for you...ya and i know this is 2005, but that doesn't mean that an individual must lose his culture/tradition/background/religion/language and so forth...ya and i also know that this is "your girl" and "your life" but an Indian society never focuses on "the individual's life"....it's more about "the family's life"....

and i know that there are many punjabi girls out there lol...so it's not like there is some scarcity issue here...so you can't say "well i can't find a punjabi girl" hahaha...just imagine that you have to attend some religious event, would your girl feel comfortable in a kurta? would she feel comfortable when all the desis are staring (cause we know that desis have a staring problem lol)...would she feel comfortable when people are talking behind her back? what would it do to your parents name in society (cause we know that society has a huge impact on parents)...i mean i have nothing against people dating other people of other cultures, it's their life, so they can do anything that they want, but personally, i just wouldn't go down that route...i see more complications than the benefits...

8-)

Aren't a few complications worth dealing with to be with someone you love?

Sorry, but your attitude frightens me. "What about future generations" you ask? What about them...What, we're not supposed to mix nationalities for some reason? Afraid of diluting the Indian nationality? You're scaring me.

NYZGREATST

ahhh EDISON NJ has chimed in where 1 out of ever 1.5 ppl is a fuckin indian, shit if i lived in edison, my girl, my mechanic, my doctor, my pharmacist, my butler, my tenants, my local grocery store owner, my teachers, my principal and basically every single person i ever came into contact with would be indian. i'd live the most sheltered and closed off life.

BUTTTTTTTT, not everyone has the "privilage" of living in lil-india. so we stray from the crowd our parents want us to marry, cant help it. if they wanted us to marry in the same sect and cast shit they should have stayed in india. cus it aint gonna happen here

yo lister, im guju, gonna marry a malu (which ONLY happened cus i came to UMD, whose indian population is like Rutgers). same race yes. same religion no. problem yes. BUT WHO GIVES A FUCK? yea you love you parents, your uncles, your aunts, your sister, your brother, your grandparents but at the end of the day who do you want to live for. your parents or yourself? NOTHING you do will make your rents or your family 100% ok with it. its just the fact of the matter. that generation is forever gonna be old school and there is no way to convince them otherwise. you try your hardest to make it work out with your family if it dont work out then shit, you tried. if you and the grl dont work out, shit oh well. shit happens, life goes on but at least it was your life to live and not your parents.

my cousin sister married a afghan muslim and i helped her. i tried to convince her not to. not cus of religion or where he's from but cus neither had finished college. bad choice, yes. but for more sane reasons. nobody in my fam talks to her anymore except for me but shes happy because its her life to live. in the end, if you fall into what your parents want, you will forever blame them for every wrong thing that happens in your life. you have to take that step that will open the door for the future generation to be able to live how they should be able to live.

and that bulshit about you will be happy with a indian girl is str8 bulshit. fact of the matter is 90% of indian girls are fukin dirty sluts who probably have had numerous abortions. if you marry a chick from the US, your already gonna be kissin a mouth that prob had more dick in it then jenna jamison. so what chu gonna do now? go to india to "find" a bride?? bring back sum chick who dont even like you but is jumpin on the oppurtunity to come to america? get the hell out of here.

stick to your girl. if it works out, it works out. dont break it off just cus your rents dont like it. but at the same time dont be bitter if they cant accept it. try your hardest to make the situation work. what else can you do or ask for?! my girl is learning guju. she's learning my culture and everything so she can be accepted in my family. at the end of the day, if they accept it GREAT, if not we tried real hard. so all that bulshit from Mr. Edison bout how the culture stuff wont work out means nuthin.

Lister00169

I agree with you to a certain point. It is a family thing and I want things to be comfortable, but I will pass my culture's values onto my kids if I happen to marry outside my ethnicity. I love my culture for the good things and the love inherent in it, but I really do like this girl. Out of all the girls I have dated (including Indian girls) she is like me in more ways than I can count. My parents want me to get a girl from India, they don't even want an Indian girl from the U.S., Canada or England (my country of birth). It just sucks that I am being guilted into following a cultural constraint. I just don't see the fairness.

teg_to_bike

Side question... where are muratis from??

Lister00169

There were parts in your reply that nearly made me cry because I am feeling that shit right now. I was born in Hounslow West in England and lived there for 10 years, so I had my large Indian community there. We moved to the U.S. (Oakley, CA to Brentwood, CA to San Ramon, CA to currently Dublin, CA). We live far away from a large Indian community (Fremont ) and I went to school in predominantly white/asian schools. I think Indian girls are beautiful and would love to meet one that is "the one". But alas, I have not and I can see myself marrying my current girl in the future. I just have to take it slow with my parents, because I am not giving up on this relationship. I know things can change and it may not work it, and I can live with that. I just can't live my life and keep thinking "What If?" Hopefully things will work out and I should stop stressing so much. Thanks everyone for the opinions. I would still like to hear what others have to say.

NYZGREATST

EXACTLY. a person cant go on thinking "what if". thats a shitty life. just do what you gotta do man. fight for what you want. we have the privilige of growing up in a free country man, take advantage of that to its fullest.

supermegaglossy

If your parents have sacrificed so much for you, then they should realize that those sacrifices also meant opening the door for you to embrace other cultures. I'm assuming by the sacrifices that they've made pertain to leaving India and coming to the US to make a better life for the family? If that assumption is true, then it comes with the territory that you are able to meet women of other nationalities. They didn't raise you in India to have an arranged marriage with an Indian woman, so why should they expect that since they raised you in the United States? As long as this Portuguese girl understands your cultural background and isn't trying to convert you to Catholicism or something then you've got nothing to worry about. It's possible to embrace each other's background and practice traditions from both cultures. If it were me, I would explain to your parents that if they truly made all these sacrifices for you, they can sacrifice the notion that you need to marry someone who happened to descend from your nationality as well.

One of my best friends always says, "you can't help who you fall in love with."

BEETROOT

Is your name Beyrooz?

Lister00169

Sorry bud, that name sounds Muslim. I am Sikh.

sleeper

though i won't go through the same thing, i know some people who are/have. true, it sucks and it's not fair. but what you're going to have to do is find some way to convince your parents that you have to make this choice for yourself. no matter how much you love them, in the end if you might not be truly happy because you'll live the "what if" life. maybe you're even going to resent them for it.

let them know that the guilt and pressure is making you unhappy and that while you respect thier wishes, you have to do what is best for yourself. remind them that you're being honest with them instead of hiding your relationship. lastly, tell them that you want to see where this is going, but you'll still keep an open mind.

they need to understand that you love them and will try to continue the tradition, but that you can't turn your back on the person you want to spend the rest of your life with, regardless of whether they're indian or not. of course, it will help a lot if your lady is interested/willing to try traditional indian things; that goes a long way.

btw, you're only 23; you have plenty of time. if things are going good with your lady in a couple of years, your parents will probably get used to the idea of you being with her and they might not be so apprehensive about it. why people want to get married so goddamn early.




central west-coast area of india.

edit: fuckin beetroot.

Black TL

You are right on the money... Before college, I never hung out with other Indians. Once I started college, I thought I should learn more about my culture so I started hanging out with many Indian people. Eventually, I said to myself I want to marry an Indian girl to keep our culture. I'm a first generation Indian American and I barely know my culture. I recently came back from India and I was ashamed of how much of my culture I actually knew. Its actually quite nice. I like the values that they teach and this is something I would like to pass onto my children. When I was younger, I used to know Gujarati very well but over the years, I seem to have lost most of it and going back to India was a big smack in the face. I've been making every attempt possible to speak Gujarati at home now so I can relearn it.

I started dating a few Indian girls thinking that they were "old fashion" Indian girls who were looking for a nice guy and was amazed at what happened to the first generation Indian American girls. All of the girls I have gone out with are trying to live the life of the girls on Sex and the City. When I started getting close to one girl and basically asked her for an exclusive relationship and she said "I'm not ready for a relationship... I still want to have fun..." I was quite amazed by this. Most Indian girls I meet these days have reputations, especially the girls from Edison, NJ. I don't know what they are thinking by trying to date as many guys as possible. The Indian community is VERY small (relatively) and word gets around about their repuation pretty fast. I can't find any Indian girls that I like without a reputation like this and quite honestly, I don't want these kinds of girls. Don't get me wrong, I'm not looking for a mother Theresa, just not a girl with a reputation like this. Another thing about Indian girls is that most of them are now looking for a millionaire to buy them everything they ever dreamed of so they won't have to work. It's amazing how excited they get when they meet a guy who makes good money. They practically drop down on their knees when they see you. Considering most of them lived with parents who worked their asses off for everything they had, you would think they would learn to be independent and work hard. I would not want to marry a girl because she thinks I will provide her with a great life. I want to marry a girl who will be their if I can give her everything or even nothing.

What bothers me most about Indian girls these days is that many of them date guys that they know they won't be able to marry. I have a couple of friends who have had long relationships with them and only a few weeks after the girl broke up with them, they were engaged to a different guy. That's absolutely rediculous.

Parents these days think that Indian girls are princesses who do nothing wrong but little do they know. My parents always ask me why I can't find an Indian girl and I don't want to tell them the truth.

Feels good to vent. ;-)

youngTL

The best piece of advice I can give ya is when your parents are long gone, who's stuck with the girl he didn't really like, if you gave in to the pressure?

ric

If, indeed, this is a woman that you want to share your life with, have as your best friend and share the intimacy of a true sexual relationship, if this woman is your soulmate or will, over time, grow into that................... then your parents and their codependent needs (combined with their guilt trip) need to take a back seat. I've had one great love affair in my life, and fortunatley, it is with my wife. I cannot imagine living my life with anyone else.

I can't speak to the issues of crosscultural marriage that well, save to note that my family has embraced a mixed racial heratige about three generations back, one of my nieces is in a ltr with a man of Hispanic heratige, and my wife's family (old WASP stock) has intermarried with several young Jewish women. People get over it. And the mix, culturally, is fascinating.

Jinen

8-)

“Few complications”….you clearly don’t know how the Indian society works…in an Indian society, for someone to do something of this sort is like a shame on that child’s parents…everyone talks shit behind your back, they’ll give you looks…not just some random people in society, but your close family members and all…so trust me when I say this, it isn’t just a “FEW complications”…and also, yes, there are good chances that the Indian nationality will get diluted…in comparison to an Indian marrying another Indian…it has been proven and seen…and I think it’s best to conserve as much as we can…yes, living in a different society and environment could change certain beliefs/morals/principles, but the less the better…


NYZGREATST

Ya, Edison does have a lot of Indians…but it’s kewl…I don’t mind…It really doesn’t bother me…so what’s all the fuss about? Just to clear certain things here…In my opinion, it’s better to marry an Indian as opposed to a non-Indian (if you are an Indian)…now when we talk about caste and same sector and all…now I am very open minded about that…yes, there would be some complications, but those can be tackled because both people follow the same religion, they can speak a mutual language (Hindi), so it can be passed down to future generations…it’s kewl if a guju marries a Punjabi…or a guju marrying a sindhi…or Punjabi marrying a south Indian…whatever, that’s kewl cause it’s a lot easier to handle than two different races…and for you to say that “nothing that you will do will make your parents 100% happy”….well that just reflects onto you…cause in my case, my parents are completely happy as to how my life is going and what I am going to do with it…as far as job and personal life…so maybe it’s U that has the problems and your parents can’t seem to accept it…that I don’t know cause I don’t know you nor your parents…so if I were you, I wouldn’t make such generalizations cause they ARE NOT TRUE…

So you said that your cousin sister married an afghan…and that no one talks to her anymore except you…see this is the type of stuff that you could easily prevent…now think about it, when your cousin sister has kids, her kids will be like “mommy, who is my grandma/grandpa”… “mommy, islam believes in monotheism and hinduism believes in polytheism, so what do I follow??”….what is your cousin sister going to say about that? Your cousin sister is probably missing out on so much right now just cause no one talks to her…if you guys have any events/parties where all the family members are invited and she is the only one that’s not there, so people will talk shit (I really hate it when people do that, but in reality, they will and they always will, so we can’t control that)…they will make her parents look bad and shit (and you know how desi parents don’t like their “izzat” to go down)…

And as far as you saying shit like 90% of the Indian girls are dirty sluts…man, what neighborhood are you living in? lol…seriously, you gotta stop making such generalizations…do you have any idea how many “sidhi sadhi” (straight) desi girls are out there…I have MANY girls as friends who are straight and not do some of the shit that other girls are doing…so where are you coming up with this statistic of yours?


Lister00169

See, when you say that your parents want you to marry a girl just from India…that sounds messed up…I mean there are many decent Indian girls in the U.S…I mean I am not even sure if you love this portugese girl that much that you are willing to go through all these hassles…in an ideal world, ya “follow your heart, go for the one who you love and all”…but I’m not really sure whether you REALLY REALLY love this girl or not…and you just have to decide whether you will be able to go through all these complications…and ya, it’s very easy to say that you will pass the tradition/culture on, but from what I’ve seen/heard/been exposed to, it’s really not that easy…I’ve met parents who have a really tough time with their kids when it comes to passing the tradition on and the kids are even more confused lol…if you really love this girl then you just have to ask yourself whether you and the girl have the strength to overcome all these obstacles...becuase more than likely, your parents and your family are going to pressure your girl and you don't know whether she will be able to handle that...you might be all up for this, but what about your girl? let's talk about her for a second....do you think she will have the strength to listen to all the shit that the desis will be saying? is she willing to handle things when they get REALLY REALLY rough? i think before anything else, you need to tell your girl how things COULD be if you guys got together and ask her whether she's willing to go through all that...if she is, then by all means, go for it...if she isn't then you know what to do...

see, as i've grown up, i've started to see things more clearly and i've stopped living in that "la-la land"....indians are not so bad as people portray them to be...some are asswipes and some are really great people...but that goes across any nationality...it's normal...and you really don't know what's going to happen....but the way i see it, if you follow your family's footsteps, then in the long run, life will be a lot easier for you...ya you may feel that "what if", but you know, with time, you will have an answer to that...you will see that everyone in the family is happy and things are going well, and at that time, you will be like "you know what, i made a right decision"....so ya, it may seem right now that you want to be with this portugese girl but as time goes by, that opinion could change...for the better or for the worse...

and also, i'm really curious as to what the portugese girl has to say about this...and also how are her parents? would her parents be open to her marrying an indian guy? i think that's part of the equation also, so let's get some input on that...

please keep in mind that what i have mentioned above is just my opinion...my i don't expect anyone to follow/not follow anything that i've said...all i am saying is that I, JINEN, would opt for a same race marriage as opposed to a different race marriage because in the long run, it's better for the entire FAMILY...not just yourself, but for the ENTIRE FAMILY...because in desi culture, the groom and the bride don't just marry themselves, but the "families of both the groom and the bride marry each other"...may sound freaky, but that's how it is, and you desis sure as hell know that lol....in the end, it's going to be your decision as to what path you want to take....but know what you are getting into....

Jinen

to all you desi guys out there who think that it's hard to find a good desi girl...

don't give up hope...trust me, they're there...you're probably not looking in the right crowd...either you are looking at girls who are completely ABCD's and your opinions against them are harsh...maybe you may need to look into a crowd that has a mix of "FOB's and ABCD's"....i really don't like these group names, but it's there, so

BlackTL:

i know what you mean man...it's hard...but you know what, just try your best to mix with a crowd that has a good blend of both the American and the Indian culture, and that's where all the "good girls" are....that's where i ran into my girl and i can't be more happier than what i already am cause i love the girl like crazy!!!!!!!

Lister00169

You bring up alot of very valid points. I know how her parents feel and they are like my parents when it comes to this, but at least they have met me and know that as a PERSON, I am good and I have been raised right. I know it will not be easy to pass down my culture to my children if I marry outside my ethnicity. I am going to give this relationship some time and see what happens. The main thing is that my parents should understand that I am trying to find the right girl for me by myself. I don't want an arranged marriage because marriage to me is more than another source of income and a means to reproduce. I want to meet a girl who I can relate with on multiple levels and I have told my parents this. I am not even close to being ready to marry, I just want to be free to find a girl that I want. I would love for her to be Indian since it makes things so much easier, but when I find the one, I have to go for it and not let cultural boundaries hold me back.

M TYPE X

If "love is blind," why are most couples of the near the same age and ethnicity, let alone race?

matelot

tell your folks you dumped her then wait a few weeks and tell them you got hooked up with a new one and that she's British

8-)

Uh, right, Indians are unique in that way

Jinen

are you indian?

8-)

No

joeshmoe

xizor

here's my opinion its sad your parent's xenophobia (and possibly racism) has been passed on to you. your crap about ethnic purity and "diluting" your race and culture in mixed children sounds the aryan race saying how great blond hair blue eyed people are. these parent's need to get with the program, they are living in America, "the mixing bowl." If they have a problem w/ their children's girlfriend or wife, its not the son's fault, its their own because they can't get over their own bigotry.

you don't know anything about interracial marriage (obviously), because when you say its worse for you children, you're completely mistaken. your children will be blessed by having 2 cultures, histories and backgrounds. You have the twisted idea that your own culture or history is the only good one. relationships with parents/family can be harder and more complicated but love conquers all.

don't try to choose a mate based on race, you're cheating yourself if you carry on your parent's fears. o yeah, and if you didn't notice, i'm mixed (not indian)

8-)

Good post.

8-)

Are you Chinese?
Are you Japanese?
Are you German?
Are you Italian?
Are you French?
Are you English?
Are you African?
Are you Polish?

Rhetorical...

GeishaGirl

x394394839843

Living in America its almost impossible to get away from the idea of mixed marriages/relationships. Parents from another country have grown up there and accept the social norms of their country, but when they bring children over to America it is hard to imagine that said children will not soak up the norms of the new environment. Not saying everyone in America has a mixed marriage but it isnt as frowned upon here as it is in some other countries.

teg_to_bike

Does anyone see the same ad banner as I do? IndianMatrimonials.com! How appropriate for this thread!

Jinen

okay, let's not get into racism here because you have no idea who I am or who my friends are...some of my really close friends are from different countries (America, Spain, Africa, Great Britain)...and also, most of my colleagues are from different parts of the world since I am part of an International team...so why don't u just yourself cause you don't know shit about me...so don't be sitting there making any assumptions...yes, and you are right, i know absolutely "nothing" about inter-racial marraiges...you are the expert...right? and in my posts, when did I say that my culture or history is the only good one? i think what you need to do is go take some reading comprehension classes because you really don't know how to read properly...so rather than investing some time here, go find out more details on "hooked on phonics"...

am i telling you what to do in your life? NO...this guy asked for an opinion and I gave him my opinion...and i had also mentioned that i am NOT AGAINST racial-marraiges...i just said that I PERSONALLY WOULD NOT PREFER IT...

8-)

the reason why I asked you whether you were an Indian was to see whether you know how the culture works or not...if you are not Indian, then you probably WILL NOT understand...and for example, if you are Chinese/Portuguese/African, chances are that I WILL NOT understand your culture/society...and that's understandable...so your "rhetorical question" makes ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE what-so-ever...

to understand the equation, you must be part of the equation...if you are outside the equation, then it becomes very difficult for a person to understand...and that's where you are...outside the equation...

GeishaGirl

it is completely normal for children to soak up the norms of the environment...especially the first generation children...but in that process, an individual must choose how much he/she wants to absorb...because obviously, the more you absorb, the more you lose your background...for example, if this guy marries a portugese girl, and he has kids, and then they have kids...what are the chances that lister00169's kids are going to even follow the Portugese or Indian cultures? let's be realistic here...as time goes by, if an individiaul doesn't do anything to maintain his/her ethnicity, then the future generations will not follow as well...is it safe to assume that? i think so...now, as with everything else in life, there are EXCEPTIONS to this...but in this example, we have to look at the odds...

also, in a forum that is dominated by "Americans", this guy is not definitely going to get an answer that is 99% in his favor lol...the best way is to post in different forums and then tally up the answer

8-)

Do you even realize how silly you sound? Telling me and everyone else that we can't understand because we're not Indian...give it up. It's not unique, ok? If you want to keep kidding yourself, go right ahead. Do you really think Indians are so much different from Jews that want their children to marry Jews? Or Catholics that want their children to marry Catholics? Or whites that would disown their children if they married outside of their race? You need to come back to reality.

My rhetorical question does not make sense to you because you are so blind to the truth that's in front of your eyes. Maybe you can figure it out if you think real hard - you have to drop the bias first, but you seem incapable of doing that.

Jinen

i still believe in what i said...who is talking about unique? seriously, don't be putting "words in my mouth"...i never said anything like that...go back and read EVERYTHING that i wrote and you will see that NOT ONCE have i wrote that sh!t...

also, it's very difficult to understand an Indian society, or perhaps any other society, IF YOU ARE NOT PART OF IT...ask the other Indian members on this forum whether they agree with me on that or not...and i am not saying that Indians are different in terms of how they want their kids to marry Indians...of course, parents would usually prefer to have their kids marry someone within their society...but I just believe there is more leniance in a Catholic society as opposed to an Indian society, for example...now that leniance could be interpreted in two ways...open-minded...or even careless...now that is completely subjective...

yes, we are living in the 21st century and bla bla bla...but that doesn't mean that everyone must conform, does it? the best thing is to find a medium...where you have some bits of the american culture and some bits of the indian culture...in that way, you can still maintain your culture but at the same time you know how the environment is of a different culture/society...

i want to get something clear here...i'm not sitting here and trying to change your beliefs or anything...i'm providing reasons/explanations as to why I, JINEN, would choose same-race marriages as opposed to inter-racial marriages...so it's really pointless to go back and forth on this topic...at the end of the day, you're still going to do what you believe in and i'm still going to do what i believe in...right? so just drop the debate/argument cause it really is not going to have a solution...

lister00169,

so what did your girl have to say about all this? what is her outlook on inter-racial marriages? what are her parents beliefs/opinons on this? in this particular situation, i really believe that having information from her and her parents can answer your questions...so keep us updated with that information

ric

Well, I think he was looking for dialogue and considered opinion, not subjecting his life to someone's vote. Ultimately, he will cut his own path. If he adheres to his parents, he will maintain, perhaps, for one generation, a set of values and standards. If he marries "outside" his group, he will continue the process of acculturation that his parents began by coming here in the first place.

And - the unique issues you face in acculturation/culture maintenance have been faced by virtually every ethnic group to migrate to this country. There are certainly unique aspects to your culture, but the nature of being unique is not uniuqe.

virtualbong

Hey man, I totally understand what you're talking about, but my situation is a little different. I'm basically on the side of your gf. What I'm saying is that I've been going out with my current gf for ~5 months come this Sunday and I have yet to meet her parents because they want her to meet someone of their own race. She is Tibetan and I am Chinese. I know that if they would put that fact aside, they would love me because I'm not a hoodlum, I have a good job and come from a respected family. I treat her well, but they don't get to see any of that because my gf has to hide the fact that we're together or her father would explode on her. I totally understand her situation so I don't pressure her whatsoever. I'm just hoping that things work out in the end since our relationship is going extremely well. One good thing is that she has met my parents so she's happy when she's with my family and I, but she hates the fact that she can't do the same with her family. I hope it works out some day. Good luck with your situation and don't let your family control your feelings. No one can force you to love someone, you're the one who needs to find your soulmate.